Parental Development
130 episodes - English - Latest episode: 2 months ago - ★★★★★ - 36 ratingsParenting is one of the hardest jobs we'll ever have. Dr. Leah Featherstone, clinical psychologist, and her sister, Beka Dean both grew up in a very traditional, conservative family, with a parenting style to match. Through her education and experience, Leah has moved away from that approach and now uses principles of attachment, relational neurobiology, and positive parenting to raise her own kids. The sisters talk through this new approach, with the goal of promoting cooperation and enhancing relationships between adults and the children they help to nurture, support, and raise.
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Episodes
Replay: Expectations (Part 2)
February 21, 2024 10:00 - 36 minutes - 25.3 MBWe cut last week's episode short, so we needed another one to finish our conversation about expectations. In last week's episode we talked about the need to lower expectations if our kids are showing us with their behavior that they can't do the task. But what if your kid has done it in the past and now all of a sudden they are refusing or saying they can't do something anymore? There is still a function behind this behavior, and I choose to see this behavior as a CAN'T do as opposed to a W...
Replay: Lower Your Expectations
February 14, 2024 09:00 - 40 minutes - 28.1 MBThis episode talks through the expectations we have for our kids, how to make sure they're realistic and look at them differently, through this new parenting lens. Can we differentiate our DESIRES for our kids from the EXPECTATIONS of our kids. Expectations feel like boundaries or rules, which can lead to the punishment, control, shame, or coercion we're trying to change in this type of parenting. If we truly believe that "bad" behavior is a lack of a skill, lack of connection, etc. and th...
All That Really Matters
February 07, 2024 10:00 - 29 minutes - 20.2 MBThe moral of this week's episode: Nothing matters other than your relationship with your child! What doesn't matter: grades; behavior; attitude; sports What does matter: Our relationship My job as a parent isn't to control my kids' behavior, get them to act a certain way, make sure they're making other people comfortable. It's to show them love and acceptance and show them what a healthy, loving relationship is supposed to look like. So much pressure is put on parents to make sure our k...
Knowledge Is Power
January 31, 2024 09:00 - 37 minutes - 25.7 MBHow do we treat our kids like full human people without treating them like adults and forcing them to grow up too quickly. Let's talk about it! Treating our kids like full people simply means that we welcome all of their humanness and don't try to minimize or talk them out of their experiences. It means that they deserve as much respect as any adult. There is not a topic that's off limits with my kids. There is a spectrum of the amount, intensity, and way information is shared. For hard t...
Not Quite Done Yet
January 24, 2024 09:00 - 36 minutes - 25 MBThis episode finishes our conversation about bias, inclusion, and how our brains are wired for sameness , making these changes hard. In order to start to change our unconscious beliefs, we first have to bring it into our conscious awareness so we can then override those that are unhealthy, dangerous, wrong, etc. We have to consciously choose to access the parts of our brains that challenge our biases and help us develop new pathways regarding people and situations that are "other." Inter...
Unconscious Bias
January 17, 2024 09:00 - 47 minutes - 32.3 MBThis episode talks about what can sometimes be a taboo or hard topic: bias, diversity, and race. We utilize science to talk through how our brains are wired for sameness and build bias into our system, in order to protect us. For more information about this topic, check out this book, that we used to start our conversation. Understanding the science can help take the shame and judgment out of this topic, which can then make it easier to have productive conversations. Our brains are designe...
We Back
January 10, 2024 09:00 - 31 minutes - 21.8 MBGuess who's back!!! We're slowly getting back into the swing of things with our first episode of the new year! This episode talks about several topics and situations we encountered over the last few weeks and different approaches and suggestions for dealing with them. Anxiety isn't something that we can simply overpower. It has to be managed and processed in a way that honors it, validates it, and teaches our kids ways to manage it on their own. Forcing kids to repair with their peers can ...
My Way or the Highway
November 22, 2023 10:00 - 43 minutes - 30.1 MBIt's our last episode of 2023!! This one talks through various topics, including lying, managing big behaviors, and managing different opinions of family members. You can hear our episode on lying here and the episode when Lincoln had a hard interaction with his teacher here. Bottom line: Give people grace and approach behavior with curiosity. If you're looking for more information on parenting differences, that one can be found here. What are your non-negotiables? What is reasonable to...
If/Then
November 15, 2023 10:00 - 40 minutes - 27.5 MBLast week was all about learning what our attachment style is, now this episode takes about what to do about it. We have no control over how our attachment is developed. We do have control over how we adjust moving forward. Attachment healing can only happen within relationship. To change attachment the patterns first have to come into our awareness. Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts! Follow us on social media to join the conversation...
Getting to Know You
November 08, 2023 10:00 - 46 minutes - 32.2 MBThis episode talks about adult attachmen styles, which is important for us to learn, so we can understand how we relate to others, including our children. We need to normalize all attachment styles, while also understanding that we can work toward being secure. Our comfort level with and willingness to allow closeness and intimacy determines our attachmen style in adulthood. Recognizing how our insecure attachment can be so easily passed down to our kids through our interactions, and dec...
Our Healing
November 01, 2023 09:00 - 42 minutes - 29.4 MBThis episode dives deeper into the relationship between parents and adult children. What do those relationships look like now? What if parents aren't able to do what you need? How do you know if you're ready to have hard conversations? For adult children, true healing can only come when we stop being dependent on our parents for our validation, regulation, and wellbeing. If our parents weren't able to meet those needs in our childhood, it's unlikely they'll be able to do it differently whe...
A Little Bit Of This And A Little Bit Of That
October 25, 2023 09:00 - 43 minutes - 30.1 MBThis episode is a little bit of everything, all based on situations happening in Leah's house. How do we validate anxiety without contributing to it? How do we challenge unhealthy thoughts without being invalidating? How do we just sit in the discomfort with them? Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts! Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!! Facebook Instagram
Let Them Struggle
October 18, 2023 09:00 - 48 minutes - 33.2 MBAll parents desperately want to protect their kids, which is a great and noble goal. At the same time, overly protecting our kids in certain areas can stunt their growth and development in important ways. Many times the concept of protection allows us to control behaviors in ways that make us feel more justified. Areas in which we protect our kids in inappropriate ways: Physical - find ways to let your kids explore and engage in risky behaviors Social - it's part of relationships to be h...
Parenting Adult Children
October 04, 2023 09:00 - 35 minutes - 24.2 MBThis one is for parents of adult children, who might be learning about this type of parenting and information for the first time. How do you talk about what you wish you'd done differently? How do you repair what you now see as ruptures? Ultimately, everyone wants to be validated, which is not the same as acceptance. We all have our own experience, and just because it's different than your experience, doesn't mean it's wrong. 1. Validate 2. Listen to understand 3. Guard against defensivene...
Adoption
September 27, 2023 09:00 - 46 minutes - 31.8 MBAdoption is beautiful, necessary, and important. It's also hard and often misunderstood. This episode talks about some important ways adoption is misunderstood and how to think about it in a way that might be helpful. Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts! Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!! Facebook Instagram
Replay: Attachment
September 20, 2023 09:00 - 47 minutes - 32.9 MBIn this episode, we FINALLY talk about attachment, Leah's first love and truly what guides everything she does as a parent and a person. Attachment is a reciprocal relationship between people and begins to develop in utero and continues throughout childhood, but particularly in the first three years of life. As we respond to our babies in distress, we start to hardwire their thoughts and beliefs about themselves, other people, and the world around them. Over time, our responses to our bab...
Replay: Let the Punishment Fit the Crime
September 13, 2023 09:00 - 46 minutes - 32.2 MBThis episode talks about consequences, which usually means punishment and often doesn't address the actual problem or behavior. People use these words interchangeably, but they actually are very different. Many people only know two ways to change or manage behavior: rewards or punishment. We believe that misbehavior is a sign of a need or a missing skill or a desire for connection, which means imposed consequences are not effective in actually fixing any of those problems. Attempting to i...
Fill My Cup
September 06, 2023 09:00 - 42 minutes - 29.1 MBLast week we talked about what zaps our resources, and this week we build on that conversation talking about how to build resources and think of resourcing as a verb. In the therapy world, resourcing someone means we're giving people tools to be able to manage the stress and dysregulation that often comes from stres and trauma. Effectively, we want to do the same thing with our kids, giving them tools to know how to handle the stress they experience, even if we don't understand or agree wit...
No More Resources
August 30, 2023 09:00 - 38 minutes - 26.4 MBWe all know when our kids are out of resources and can't handle anything. It can be challenging though to know how to respond in those situations. Things that zap our resources: Hunger Fatigue Pain Decision making Heavy effort Punishment Lack of connection It's ok to lower demands and expectations when you see your kids are out of resources. When they're out of resources, we want our kids to learn how to: Recognize what's happening Communicate that to their people Regulate their behavior ...
Problem Solving
August 23, 2023 09:00 - 44 minutes - 30.4 MBOne of the most important skills our kids can learn is problem solving! Lots of research has shown it leads to better academic performance, self-esteem, and social skills. This episode talks through this information and gives ideas for how to develop this skill in our kids. Problem solving comes from the prefrontal cortex, which is the last part of our brain to develop. But when we're in a stress response, that part of our brain is not working as well as it can, making problem solving hard....
Replay: It's About Us
August 16, 2023 09:00 - 34 minutes - 23.4 MBIn this episode from 2022 Leah does her own work, in front of everyone. Illustrated by an interaction with her 9-year-old, she works through her own history and how it impacts her responses to her own children. We often assign very negative intentions, motives, and behaviors to our kids when they are incredibly young, setting the stage to maintain these negative beliefs about them as they age. The messages we got as children seems to determine the negative attributes we assign our kids. ...
I'm so Proud of You
August 09, 2023 09:00 - 37 minutes - 25.8 MBThis episode talks through how the successes and challenges of our kids say nothing about us as parents, even though many of us feel like it does and let this drive our response and parenting style. We all have different areas that are important to us as parents and that we focus on and struggle to find our worth as a parent. These might include: 1. Sports 2. Academics 3. Clothing 4. Behavior If you find your worth in these areas, then when your kid struggles, you have a higher likelihood...
What Are You Really Angry About?
August 02, 2023 09:00 - 40 minutes - 28 MBIs it anger or something else? Parenting anger is so tricky and something we often don't know how to manage or discipline. In this episode we talk through it all. Kids need to learn ways to manage ALL emotions, not just anger. When we single out anger we lose sight of the overarching skill kids need. Anger is almost always a secondary emotion nd there's something under the surface that's causing us to appear and act angry. When we teach our kids that we always want them to share their th...
Still Learning
July 26, 2023 09:00 - 38 minutes - 26.4 MBToday we talk about the ongoing reactions and hard behaviors with Leah's 10-year-old son and she is trying to navigate it and make sense of his behavior and their relationship. Going through challening seasons with our kids can be really challenging, even when we've adopted this new way of parenting and see their behavior through a new, more respectful lens. It's ok to be burnt out and need extra time and support. Our kids are learning new skills and ways of being and that will always be m...
Parent Yourself
July 19, 2023 09:00 - 46 minutes - 32.3 MBIt seems to be harder and harder for parents to manage their emotions, and this episode talks through why that is and what we can actually do to try to develop skills to manage ourselves when we're triggered and dysregulated. Most of the time when we lose control and feel dysregulated, it's happening outside of our awareness. So the first step to be able to effectively manage our emotions is to have awareness about what's happening. Our brains go through the same thing as our kids when we ...
What The
July 12, 2023 09:00 - 42 minutes - 28.9 MBIn case you mistakenly thought we've got it all together, this episode will say you straight! We talk through lots of situations that hopefully build a sense of community and an understanding that we're all in this together! This podcast episode talks through in more detail the concept of guilt and how we can tell if what we're experiencing is actual guilt or something else. If you want more insight into how to talk to kids about hard things, check out this post on instagram too. Subscrib...
New Parents
July 05, 2023 09:00 - 46 minutes - 31.6 MBThis episode includes Leah's top 10 tips or suggestions for first time parents, or even second or third time parents. 1. Trust your gut 2. Set boundaries if you need to 3. Each awful stage is just that, a stage 4. Find support 5. Find time for yourself 6. Let your parenting style evolve 7. When in doubt, connect 8. You only have to be good 30% of the time 9. Prepare to do your own work 10. Enjoy it Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts! ...
Replay: Tantrum
June 28, 2023 09:00 - 47 minutes - 32.7 MBToday's a replay because, life. This is one of our most downloaded episodes all about every parent's favorite topic: tantrums Tantrums can be one of the most challenging things to manage as a parent. They seem to come out of nowhere and can feel almost impossible to stop. This episode talks through some of the science behind tantrums and what parents can do to try to manage them a little better! It's important to remember that tantrums are a healthy, normal part of a child's development. T...
Blind Obedience
June 21, 2023 09:00 - 36 minutes - 25.2 MBThis episode is part 2 of our discussions about the Shiny Happy People documentary, and goes over the flip side of authority which is blind obedience. The idea of obedience pervades our society and is usually the barometer people use to demonstrate the 'goodness' of kids. Kids aren't 'good' just because they do what other people say. When we tell kids how good or bad they are, we often teach them that if they're bad they lose relationships, they aren't wanted as much, they lose friends, t...
Ultimate Authority
June 14, 2023 09:00 - 35 minutes - 24.6 MBIf you've watched the new documentary, Shiny Happy People, then this episode is for you! We talk through the idea of authority and how dangerous it is to teach kids to follow and obey all authority, no matter what. The idea of authority will always increase the risk of abuse. When we think about how we want our kids to react if they're being abused, including kicking, yelling, biting, sayng no, then we have to help them learn how to react similar ways when they're not being abused. I will ...
Curfews
June 07, 2023 09:00 - 33 minutes - 22.8 MBThis episode keeps it simple, talking about curfews and how to establish and maintain them for kids as they get older. How do we establish curfews? Do we set them arbitrarily? What would happen if we just let kids decide when to come home on their own? What's the purpose of a curfew? To make sure kids get enough sleep? To keep kids safe? To teach them how to make good choices? Does a curfew really keep kids safe or teach them how to make good decisions? They can get in just as much troubl...
Fear-Based Motivation
May 31, 2023 09:00 - 37 minutes - 25.9 MBThis episode talks about fear-based parenting and the specific neurobiology of fear. Some parents talk about how their kids have "healthy fear" of them, which makes them behave themselves. But really, the only healthy fear is the fear that helps keep us alive. Brain science teaches us what happens in our brains when we're faced with threat - Can I outrun this? Can I beat this? Then you would fight or flight. If you can't do either of those things to stay alive, then you have to come up wi...
Death 'N' Dyin'
May 24, 2023 09:00 - 41 minutes - 28.5 MBHow do you talk to you kids about death and dying? What do you do about funerals? How do you help them cope? This episode answers all these questions and more, trying to help us support our kids during really challenging times. Kids cannot fully understand death and its finality until they are 8 or 9 years old. This makes it difficult for them to process death and react in ways that feel appropriate to us as adults. To help kids with death: Be completely honest Don't try to control thei...
Let the Punishment Fit the Crime
May 17, 2023 09:00 - 46 minutes - 32.2 MBThis episode talks about consequences, which usually means punishment and often doesn't address the actual problem or behavior. People use these words interchangeably, but they actually are very different. Many people only know two ways to change or manage behavior: rewards or punishment. We believe that misbehavior is a sign of a need or a missing skill or a desire for connection, which means imposed consequences are not effective in actually fixing any of those problems. Attempting to i...
Let Them Be Who They Are
May 10, 2023 09:00 - 34 minutes - 23.9 MBThis episode is basically two scenarios that happened in Leah's house this week that illustrate lots of things we talk about on a regular basis. Apologizing, rupture and repair, and letting our kids be who they are. To apologize, there is no room for justifying our negative behaviors as parents. There can be no, "you made me mad," or " it was because you did...." The ruptures in our relationships are healthy and inevitable. The repair is where the learning, growth, and attunement can happen...
Tell Me Anything
May 03, 2023 09:00 - 46 minutes - 31.9 MBThis episode was at the request of Beka, after seeing a TikTok video talking about "attention-seeking" behaviors. It's important to remember that wanting attention is not a problem and is even a biological need our kids have and has to be met in order for our relationships to be strong and supportive. If you want other information about connection and relationships, check out the episodes here and here. Attention seeking behavior changes as our kids age, but the function is always the sam...
Desire for Rewards
April 26, 2023 09:00 - 51 minutes - 35.6 MBWhy do we continue to use the sticker charts? They're so common and often suggested for parents and teachers, even though we have so much information about some of the negative effects of token economies. This episode talks through this concept and different ways to change behaviors and motivate our kids. A quote on the CDC's website talks about how rewards make both parents and kids happy. This isn't really our goal or something we seek as far as wanting our kids to be responsible for our ...
Unconscious Mind
April 19, 2023 09:00 - 44 minutes - 30.6 MBWe were due for a really nerdy episode, so this is it! Internal working models are a common concept in attachment theory and are really critical for how we develop our own beliefs and stories as we age. The information in this episode comes, at least in part, from this episode of a different podcast. Internal working models generally mean our innermost beliefs, ideas, and stories about ourselves, other people, and the world. They're developed, at least in part, within the first 3-5 years o...
Replay: Mental Health
April 12, 2023 09:00 - 47 minutes - 32.7 MBWith spring break traveling and other life things, we decided to replay our episode discussing mental health. We thought it was relevant with everything going on in our world, so we hope you enjoy! Subscribe, rate, and review us on Podchaser, Apple, or wherever you listen to podcasts! Follow us on social media to join the conversation!!! Facebook Instagram
Multiple Conversations
April 05, 2023 09:00 - 44 minutes - 30.5 MBThis episode is a bit all over the place - we cover a listener question about a 4 year old who is focusing too much on a boy in her classroom who professed his like for her. And in a hard left turn, we talk more about mental health in light of the Nashville shooting last week. So many of us grew up with a focus on relationships - Disney movies, relationships, etc. and we as parents are trying to make sure our young kids aren't focused on these types of relationships and are just learning to...
Getting Ready For School
March 29, 2023 09:00 - 37 minutes - 25.6 MBHow do you know your young child is ready for school? What if they don't want to go? How do you handle drop off? We're answering all the questions in this episode! Find a school you feel good about and examine how ready your kids are to go to school. Prep, prep, prep: avoid "I'm not going to tell him until the day before so he won't worry about it." This almost never works and misses the opportunity to let them express and it's their big feelings. Your kids are going to cry at drop off. T...
Friends
March 22, 2023 09:00 - 35 minutes - 24.2 MBThis episode talks through ways to help your kid with social interactions, coach them on how to be a good friend, and teach them how they should be treated in relationships. As always, validate their feelings about their peers, even if it's unkind or inappropriate. Give them space to share their experiences, questions, and relationships. It's important to help kids take the perspective of others, which can develop new ways of dealing with social problems. Avoid giving directives for how a...
Expectations (Part 2)
March 15, 2023 09:00 - 36 minutes - 25.3 MBWe cut last week's episode short, so we needed another one to finish our conversation about expectations. In last week's episode we talked about the need to lower expectations if our kids are showing us with their behavior that they can't do the task. But what if your kid has done it in the past and now all of a sudden they are refusing or saying they can't do something anymore? There is still a function behind this behavior, and I choose to see this behavior as a CAN'T do as opposed to a W...
Lower Your Expectations
March 08, 2023 10:00 - 40 minutes - 28.1 MBThis episode talks through the expectations we have for our kids, how to make sure they're realistic and look at them differently, through this new parenting lens. Can we differentiate our DESIRES for our kids from the EXPECTATIONS of our kids. Expectations feel like boundaries or rules, which can lead to the punishment, control, shame, or coercion we're trying to change in this type of parenting. If we truly believe that "bad" behavior is a lack of a skill, lack of connection, etc. and th...
Neural Pathways
March 01, 2023 10:00 - 40 minutes - 27.5 MBNeurons that fire together, wire together. It's important that the information we learn is cemented into our neural pathways so we can access it, even during times of stress. This episode talks through the neuroscience and how to strengthen our pathways in this way. In times of stress, we go back to what we know. When stressed, your brain's only goal is to keep you safe and try to survive. We don't have additional energy to try new things, remember novel information, or learn something diff...
Connection
February 22, 2023 10:00 - 46 minutes - 32.2 MBWe all talk about needing to connect with our kids, but often seem to misunderstand what that means or how to do that in more challenging situations or difficult emotions. This episode talks through ways to dip a toe in their emotions while also pulling them back with us into their window of tolerance. See Me: really seeing what they're doing, showing interest; imitating play with younger kids Hear Me: actively listening, listening without correction or judgment; giving space for real conve...
Fear
February 15, 2023 09:00 - 41 minutes - 28.6 MBSo many of our kids have fears that are unrealistic and illogical, leaving us so confused as to how to respond, help support them, but move them past their fears in a clear way. This episode talks about all of this, and gives some other information or options to help navigate these issues. Our kids' fears should be validated, without trying to talk them out of their fear or convince them that what they're scared of isn't truly scary. Is fear the way kids have learned to get our attention, ...
Let's Talk About Sex
February 08, 2023 10:00 - 47 minutes - 32.5 MBIt's not just sex. It's boundaries, reproduction, puberty, and yes, sex. These conversations are hard for most parents, and we're talking about it all! Viewing hard topics through our adult eyes can lead us to oversexualize information, when kids do not assign it that meaning at all. If your kids are asking questions, they need information. Avoid saying, 'you're too young for that,' 'we don't talk about that,' 'you don't need to know that,' or anything similar. Those responses don't make t...
There's a New Kid in Town
February 01, 2023 10:00 - 39 minutes - 27.1 MBThis week's episode talks about how to manage bringing a new baby home when you have other kids. This is always tricky, but we have some suggestions and thoughts about other possibilities to make this a little easier. If you have very young children, even after being prepared, cannot truly understand what having a new baby means or how it's going to impact them and their routine or relationships. Ideas: 1. Prepare them as much as possible 2. Get them a gift from their new sibling 3. Be hon...
Ask Me A Question
January 25, 2023 10:00 - 47 minutes - 32.6 MBThis episode answers more listener questions, covering all kinds of topics. When thinking about how to help our kids manage negative behaviors, there is an approach (The Nurtured Heart) that suggests that kids require different levels of energy from us, even when we're praising and validating them. You can here more about this idea in this podcast episode or this book. The goal in responding to our kids' big emtions is not to make all negative emotions go away. There is growth and power in...