Desire for Rewards

Why do we continue to use the sticker charts? They're so common and often suggested for parents and teachers, even though we have so much information about some of the negative effects of token economies. This episode talks through this concept and different ways to change behaviors and motivate our kids.

A quote on the CDC's website talks about how rewards make both parents and kids happy. This isn't really our goal or something we seek as far as wanting our kids to be responsible for our happiness or to only be happy because they're getting something they like. 

So many sites also indicate that reward charts and behavior programs increase self esteem. This seems counter intuitive, because it sounds like self esteem is boosted because someone else is happy or because they got something they wanted. 

You cannot have a reward system without it also being a punishment system. If you can earn something, then you have to be able to not get it or lose it, which feels like a punishment. This can cause the focus to be on negative behaviors and compare behaviors to others. 

Behavior charts fail to get underneath a behavior. The assumption is that the kids are making choices to behave badly and they simply need motivation. There is no room to ask the questions:  do they know how to do this? Do they have the skills? Are they regulated enough? Are they safe enough?

Behavior charts cause external motivation and prevent intrinsic motivation, causing kids to appear manipulative, which is also problematic.

Rewards for behavior are particularly problematic when what they can earn is relationships with special people or additional time. This teaches kids that relationships are transcational and love and care is attached to your behavior and if you're naughty enough no one will want to be around you.

Ultimately, CONNECTION is the sticker. Connection is the antecdote and the tool to actually improve behavior.  There is a place to implement boundaries and make sure our own emotional and relational needs are met as a parent, but this can be implemented without withholding connection in response to negative behaviors.

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