Let the Punishment Fit the Crime

This episode talks about consequences, which usually means punishment and often doesn't address the actual problem or behavior. People use these words interchangeably, but they actually are very different.

Many people only know two ways to change or manage behavior: rewards or punishment.

We believe that misbehavior is a sign of a need or a missing skill or a desire for connection, which means imposed consequences are not effective in actually fixing any of those problems.

Attempting to impose consequences can very often create a power struggle, because we can only "force" our kids to follow through by using fear, threats, or manipulation. It's important to avoid putting yourself in a position where you can't guarantee cooperation or follow through.

If your goal for imposing consequences is truly to TEACH your kids how to do better, think about how you would teach them to read. If you wouldn't do it to teach them academically, then it probably isn't actually going to teach them how to have better behavior.

There seems to be a group of parents who either think kids always know how to do the right thing, so the consequence has to hurt, which doesn't truly take child development into account. Demanding our kids behave in ways they're not developmentally able to and then punishing them for falling short leads to shame, low self-esteem, guilt, and increased bad behavior.

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