Unapologetic Parenting artwork

Unapologetic Parenting

35 episodes - English - Latest episode: 12 months ago - ★★★★★ - 53 ratings

Carl Knickerbocker, JD is an Award-Winning divorced lawyer with 3 children in a thriving blended family. He's an emotional abuse survivor, parallel parenting advocate, and all-around sceptic of everything dealing with trendy-trendy coparenting and the family court system. He is the founder of Unapologetic Parenting, IG influencer, multiple year SuperLawyer, and passionate speaker on all topics dealing with divorce and parenting after divorce. Getting divorced does not mean you failed your kids. Coparenting should never be done at the expense of your sanity. Episodes cover strategy, boundaries, recovery, healing, and effective kid-raising tips. Join us for healing and learning!

Parenting Kids & Family Health & Fitness Mental Health divorce coparenting narcissist parallel parenting blended family stepparent stepmom parenting alienation divorce recovery
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Episodes

You Are Not Weak For Staying Too Long

April 05, 2023 20:00 - 3 minutes - 2.56 MB

We hear mixed messages about leaving relationships all the time.  If only you were stronger, you would have left sooner.  If only you were stronger, you would have stayed longer and tried harder.  Weak people focus on themselves too much...and weak people don't focus on themselves and their needs enough. Such messages are unhelpful and often get us nowhere except bogged down in shame and self-doubt. The better path is to focus on what's ahead and to pour our energy into moving forward rath...

Why The Court Treats The Abuser Like The Victim And The Victim Like The Abuser

March 30, 2023 01:00 - 6 minutes - 4.25 MB

Hypothesis: the heart of so many of the family court’s judgment errors boils down to the emotional illiteracy of the lawyers, judges, therapists, and other paraprofessionals attached to the system.  The family court system is not trauma informed. The judges are not therapists and spend the least amount of time learning about the case out of all the players.  The therapists attached to the system are often opportunists to make matters worse for their own gain.  Facilitators and evaluators ma...

When Court Ordered Coparenting Is Not In Anyone's Best Interests

March 24, 2023 13:00 - 9 minutes - 6.49 MB

Court-ordered coparenting is pretty much doomed to fail when one of the parents is highly narcissistic.  When the courts take a one-size-fits-all approach to coparenting expectations and standards, they end up creating a sure-to-fail situation where everyone involved loses.  That is, everyone except those who directly profit from the increased conflict, legal expenses, and court-ordered therapy work that is generated by trying to force those who are incapable of collaborative parenting into ...

Mantras For Dealing With A Narcissistic Coparent

April 17, 2021 00:00 - 7 minutes - 5.37 MB

We begin with the principle (the fact) that the narcissist's words and actions are caused by their disorder...not by you.  Their words and actions are disordered, not personal. From there, we focus our attention on the things we love and the things we are creating.  We avoid mantras and affirmations that refer back to the narcissist because such affirmation work to produce more of the same. Instead, we direct ourselves to the things we love about ourselves, our kids, our home, our lives, an...

How Not To Get Baited In By The Narcissist

April 17, 2021 00:00 - 9 minutes - 6.6 MB

Narcissists seek attention, plain and simple.  They thrive off of baiting others into conflict and needless interactions.  The same generally goes for Borderlines and other various disordered exes. When baiting is an issue (i.e. the narcissist acts out in one of their many attention-seeking ways), the best antidote is to remain deeply focused on your own vision of what you are working to create in your life.  The narcissist seeks to divert your attention away from you own life so they can h...

Teaching Your Kids About Narcissists

April 17, 2021 00:00 - 11 minutes - 7.98 MB

We do not teach out kids about narcissism, borderline, and other disorders because of their other parent.  We teach them about high-conflict individuals and about the importance of standards and boundaries because those lessons are crucial to a good life.  Whether the other parent is high-conflict or narcissistic or not, it is important to teach our kids about how to handle themselves in a real world that is populated by significant numbers of problematic people.

Uncomfortable Child Exchanges

April 17, 2021 00:00 - 14 minutes - 9.85 MB

Child exchanges can be uncomfortable and tense...been there! This episode discusses several potential remedies and rules of thumb for conducting child exchanges with a high-conflict or disordered coparent.

What To Document To Protect Your Sanity

April 17, 2021 00:00 - 11 minutes - 7.73 MB

When we deal with high-conflict and disordered coparents, it is vitally important to document certain things and collect data.  In this episode, I discuss the importance of tracking data to establish patterns for the purpose of not only clarifying those patterns, but to be able to use those patterns as permission to forgive yourself and believe in your own sanity.

Handling The Narcissistic Parent's Lies And False Accusations

April 16, 2021 23:00 - 11 minutes - 7.88 MB

Narcissistic coparents, as well as Borderlines and other similarly disordered individuals, have a nasty habit of making up lies, fictitious events, and false allegations. Those of us who have dealt with such people know that there is no end to what they will cook up and pretend to be real. This episode focuses in on getting very clear on the facts, clear on your own character, and discusses the importance of being impeccable with your word.  Once those spaces have been managed, anything tha...

Covert Narcissists

April 16, 2021 23:00 - 19 minutes - 13.8 MB

We are generally well aware of what overt narcissists look like, but narcissism can manifest in different ways, including the covert or vulnerable narcissist.  This episode touches on the traits of the covert narcissist, and then discusses what to do when it becomes clear that you are dealing with this type of narcissistic person.

Divorce Does Not Define You

April 16, 2021 23:00 - 5 minutes - 4.12 MB

ou are not defined by your divorce experience. Your value as a parent is not determined by a custody schedule. What your ex says and does is not a reflection of your worth. Shared custody does not make you a part time parent or less of a parent. Having a high-conflict ex does not indicate any lack of worth in yourself. Their behaviors often reflect their disorders and not anything personal about you. Your divorce story is not the narrative of your life. At most, it is a few scenes in a cha...

Getting The Court To See The Narcissist For Who They Are

April 16, 2021 23:00 - 13 minutes - 9.2 MB

Can we get the court to see the Narcissistic coparent for who they truly are? Most likely not, especially since the Family Court System is 1) not equipped to handle mental health matters 2) is predominantly trauma-uninformed and 3) financially incentivized to not see such things clearly. That said, there are still powerful strategies for protecting yourself if you end up back in the court system.

When The Kids Are Failing School At The Other House

March 09, 2021 01:00 - 8 minutes - 6.14 MB

When The Kids Are Failing School At The Other House Often times when we step in to bail the other parent out, we are enabling them to continue failing as parents. We think we are helping the kids, and perhaps they do benefit in the short-run in some way, but in the big picture we are usually playing into codependency dynamics. This is a game that currently gets played out with the kids' schooling, especially when they are learning remotely. One household lets them fail and the other gets p...

Preparing for Crazy - AKA Preparing for The Ex's Lies

March 08, 2021 18:00 - 15 minutes - 10.6 MB

If you haven't discovered it already, many people seem to have a near limitless capacity to make stuff up and lie, especially in the divorce and coparenting context.  This episode digs into these behavioral patterns and discusses strategies to protect yourself for the crazy when it comes.  And it will come. We should never under-estimate an ex's capacity to completely fabricate conversations and events, especially when any Cluster B personality disorder traits are involved.  Don't be caught...

When The Other Parent Sucks At Being A Parent

March 08, 2021 02:00 - 18 minutes - 13 MB

It is difficult, if not impossible, to comprehend parents who literally do not show up for their kids...especially when that absentee or negligent parent is the other parent of your own child. Many times the child neglect is part of an attention seeking game played out by a narcissistic parent.  The game is designed to keep you enmeshed in contact and enabling. This episode discusses those situations where the other parent sucks at being a parent, what often lurks behind such behaviors, an...

Divorce Battle On Multiple Fronts

March 08, 2021 01:00 - 23 minutes - 16.1 MB

For those of us who have gone through the divorce process, we often figure out fairly quickly that there are more adversaries than just the ex.  We are up against the ex as well as their divorce lawyer, who has a vested interest in stirring up as much conflict as possible.  We often have our own divorce lawyer who is aligned with us on one hand but against us on another.  Many people end up misused, exploited, and dropped by their own lawyers. Then add to the mix the court system itself, po...

Narcissistic Parent Games - Lesser of Two Evils

March 08, 2021 00:00 - 12 minutes - 8.35 MB

Narcissistic parents often work to create situations where you are forced to choose between two unsavory choices. They don't want you to have you time. They don't want you to have a good time. So they create situations that feed them attention while simulteneously diminishing your experience with the kids. And when you choose to take the higher path that actually serves the kids...they use that against you, too. . . #coparenting #coparentingdoneright #coparentingwithanarcissist #coparentin...

Get Out. Stay Out. Stay Safe. How Not To End Up Assaulted.

March 08, 2021 00:00 - 11 minutes - 7.93 MB

In this episode I tell my story of how I messed up on my own rules and ended up assaulted, which resulted in me having a permanent neck injury.  When it is time to move out...get out, stay out, stay safe.  If you must go back to the house for any reason, do so in a way that provides for accountability and protection. 

Get Out. Stay Out. Stay Safe. How Not To End Up Assaulted.

March 08, 2021 00:00 - 11 minutes - 7.93 MB

In this episode I tell my story of how I messed up on my own rules and ended up assaulted, which resulted in me having a permanent neck injury.  When it is time to move out...get out, stay out, stay safe.  If you must go back to the house for any reason, do so in a way that provides for accountability and protection. 

Teach Your Kids That They Are Free To Keep Or Drop Any Family Traits

February 14, 2021 01:00 - 5 minutes - 3.61 MB

It is okay to teach your kids that they can keep or drop any family traits and practices that they want. There are family habits and values that lead to great life, and there are family habits and traits that may lead the kids away from the type of life they want to create. We try to have frequent conversations with the kids about the types of life experiences they want to have both now and in the future and then have them check in with which traits, behaviors, and values lead them closer t...

Murphy's Law For Narcissistic Exes and Parents

February 13, 2021 03:00 - 5 minutes - 4.01 MB

When we apply Murphy’s Law to a narcissistic ex, we find that anything they can possibly jack with they will jack with. If there is a situation that they can make more difficult in order to gain attention, then they will. If there is an obvious decision that they can draw out and complicate, then they will to get their fix. We see this constantly. One time the narcissistic ex wants one thing when it is clearly inconvenient and impossible and then when the same thing is offered to them at a ...

Spotting A Narcissist's Fake Apologies

February 13, 2021 01:00 - 7 minutes - 5.54 MB

We all make mistakes, and we all occasionally make mistakes that hurt other people. When we own those mistakes and offer genuine apologies, we can work to soothe hurt feelings, heal relationships, and rebuild trust. Narcissists rarely, if ever, offer authentic apologies. Building trust and respecting others’ feelings does not matter to a narcissist, even with their own kids. Narcissists are focused on preserving their own image, avoiding accountability, and avoiding discomfort, even when th...

Narcissistic Exes Often Accuse Others Of The Very Things They Are Guilty Of

January 28, 2021 04:00 - 11 minutes - 7.96 MB

Extreme accusations that come in the absence of authentic evidence are often self-accusatory projections. For example, when an ex makes accusations of “abuse” in the absence of actual evidence of abuse, then the accusation often indicates that the accuser is “splitting.” The accuser has split the other person into all-bad and is viewing his or her behavior through that distorted lens. Or for another example, if the ex accuses you of being a narcissist without any real evidence to support th...

How To Talk To Your Kids About The Divorce

January 28, 2021 04:00 - 17 minutes - 12.1 MB

When we tell our kids that a divorce is occurring, they do not need to know the adult details behind the decision. When parents overshare details in the name of “truth” and “vulnerability,” they are often speaking from spite and trying to create a loyalty bind (the feeling that the child is not allowed to love both parents). I discuss these ideas in the video about talking to your kids about divorce. Even after the dust has settled and the divorce is final, the kids don’t need to know the ...

How To Not Create Kids Who Are Emotional Monsters

January 15, 2021 01:00 - 8 minutes - 5.93 MB

It is good for kids to be able to express their emotions...and most kids seem to have no difficulty doing so at all. The difficulty is usually training kids to be centered and rational. What we see in popular media and trendy-trendy parenting advice is an over emphasis on emotional expression with almost nothing to balance it in terms of manners, boundaries, self-discipline, and rationality. Kids do not need to have unchecked emotional expression in order to be healthy. They do not need to...

Divorce As Opportunity Mindset

January 14, 2021 04:00 - 5 minutes - 4.06 MB

We have an option to see divorce as a tragedy or an opportunity. We can choose to view the divorce process as a chance for growth and development or as a set-back from which we will not recover for a long time, if ever. When child-custody is set and part of our reality moving forward, we have the choice to view the time we have available to us as an opportunity to grow in as many ways as possible or not.  Media representations and social narratives tell us that divorce has to be a time of ...

Behind Most Stepmom vs Biomom Conflict Is A Man Not Doing His Job

January 12, 2021 03:00 - 26 minutes - 18 MB

I firmly believe that there is no reason for a stepmom and a biomom to be having direct conflict with one another. I also am of the opinion that in most cases direct communication between a biomom and stepmom is completely unnecessary. Maybe I am biased in my view, but to me the root issue behind direct stepmom and biomom conflict is a man (biodad) who is not fulfilling his role in the situation. Here’s what I mean—dad is ultimately responsible for the kids. The one who is ultimately accou...

Stop Talking To Your Ex

January 10, 2021 03:00 - 9 minutes - 6.54 MB

There is usually no need or good reason to talk to your ex during and after the divorce process. A good rule is to cut out phone and in-person conversations completely. Verbal conversations with exes typically devolve into verbal abuse. Verbal conversations also expose us to manipulation and having false claims brought against us.  Exes will deny the awful things they say and claim that we said things we never said. The best way to avoid these problems is to not have verbal conversations in...

When Your Ex Creates A Double Bind Situation

January 09, 2021 22:00 - 18 minutes - 12.7 MB

Double binds are the classic punished if you do and punished if you don't situations. If you respond to your ex's nonsense, then you are compromising yourself and exposing yourself to further mistreatment.  If you do not respond, then there is the threat that they will use you unresponsiveness as evidence that you are a bad parent. If you call out the game, then you are labeled as high conflict. Almost every way you looks at it, it seems like you will be punished. This episode discusses the...

If Your Ex Is Committed To Disagreeing With Everything You Say, Stop Arguing

January 09, 2021 03:00 - 7 minutes - 5.32 MB

Don’t argue with someone who has decided that they are never wrong and you are never right. When exes disagree with us, it is often part of the power that existed during the marriage, through the divorce, and into the present. They are set on winning by always being right and making us always wrong. They refuse to concede. Constant disagreement is also a way to bait us into giving them attention. They then use that attention to further provoke and disrupt us. They use disagreement to make ...

Introduction To Parellel Parenting

January 09, 2021 02:00 - 11 minutes - 8.21 MB

Parallel parenting is a plan with clear rules and clear boundaries. To parallel parent is to stay out of your ex’s house (literally and figuratively) and vice versa. Parallel parenting is based on personal accountability and acknowledges the reality of conflict and divorce. Trendy coparenting is a philosophy of “shoulds.” Coparents should have free and open and friendly communication. Everyone should get along. Coparenting should work if you love your kids enough and focus on the kids enoug...

When You See Negative Traits In The Kids, Model The Behavior You Want To See

January 09, 2021 02:00 - 9 minutes - 6.5 MB

When we see our exex' negative traits showing up in the kids, it is a call for us to step up and model the behaviors we want the kids to embody. This is also true when we see our own past or present undesirable traits taking root in the kids. Or when we see negative traits that remind us of our parents or grandparents. The best way to influence kids’ behavior is through consistent modeling of the desired behavior. Shaming them that they are like so-and-so and cracking down on the behavior ...

How To Handle Gaslighting And Manipulation

January 08, 2021 17:00 - 21 minutes - 14.9 MB

Nothing empowers us more against gaslighting and manipulation than a firm grasp of the facts. If we want to become highly resistant or impervious to gaslighting and other high-conflict games, we need to be dedicated to facts, evidence, and rational thinking. Lots of online advice encourages you to keep “feelings journals” and to tell yourself affirmations about “knowing your truth.” Far better is keeping an accurate and consistent fact journal and letting the data affirm your knowledge of t...

Introduction To Parental Alienation

January 05, 2021 02:00 - 27 minutes - 18.8 MB

There is a lot of misinformation out there on the topic of parental alienation...not only concerning what it is but also what to do if you think legitimate alienation is in play. Many of the online definitions are incorrect and confuse alienation with estrangement. Many describe normal child-preference behaviors and incorrectly label them alienation. Alienation is not the same thing as estrangement. Alienation is not simply when a child likes one parent less than the other. Being behind in ...