How To Talk To Your Kids About The Divorce

When we tell our kids that a divorce is occurring, they do not need to know the adult details behind the decision. When parents overshare details in the name of “truth” and “vulnerability,” they are often speaking from spite and trying to create a loyalty bind (the feeling that the child is not allowed to love both parents).

I discuss these ideas in the video about talking to your kids about divorce.

Even after the dust has settled and the divorce is final, the kids don’t need to know the details that drove the decisions. We should give them solid reasons to explain why the divorce happened...but we should do so in terms of the larger values that drove the choice...such as “we want different things in life and this choice allows us to pursue those things” or “sometimes marriages don’t work out for many reasons, and that’s okay.” It is okay to say “we’re not happy together and this choice allows things to be better.” Speak to the larger values, not the details.

Any message should be about reassuring the kids that the divorce decision was not their fault and should reinforce to them that they are supported and secure. Speaking reassurance and support to the kids is far more important than a parent speaking his or her “truth” to them.