Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE
255 episodes - English - Latest episode: 12 days ago - ★★★★ - 112 ratingsTwo sex addicts in long-term successful recovery are ALSO world-class mental health professionals who specialize in porn and sex addiction recovery. Drawing on 40 years of combined personal and professional experience, Mark and Steve get RAW and REAL about HOW to overcome addiction, heal betrayal trauma and save your marriage. If you're struggling with addiction—we get it. Recovery is hard. We've been there. We'll help you take the fight to your addiction like never before. If you're married to an addict—we KNOW what it's like to nearly destroy a marriage! We'll help you understand the world of your husband's addiction and begin healing your betrayal trauma, regardless of what he decides to do. You don't have to stay stuck. You don't have to keep suffering. We've made all the mistakes so you don't have to. Take back your life. Take back your marriage. Let's do this together! This is the PBSE podcast.
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Episodes
It’s Been a Long Time Since I Looked at Porn–Am I Cured? Do I Still Need “Recovery Work”?
July 26, 2022 12:00 - 28 minutes - 19.6 MBA PBSE listener writes in about her spouse who has been porn-free for over ten years. Yet, there are still many areas of his personal life and their relationship where there is room for growth and improvement. In this episode, Mark and Steve talk about how "recovery" is about a WHOLE LOT MORE than just being "sober." When one gets into recovery, IF he or she can catch the full "vision" it is truly AMAZING the many ways personal lives and relationships can evolve into something never imagin...
Would my Spouse Still be an Addict if He had Married Someone Else?
July 19, 2022 12:00 - 28 minutes - 19.4 MBIn this episode, Mark and Steve speak from the heart to a PBSE listener whose addict spouse passed away and now she finds herself wrestling with some horrific "what-ifs." Here's the honest and courageous message she sent to Mark and Steve— Would this have happened if my spouse had married someone else?—Three years ago my marriage And my life as I knew it imploded upon learning that my husband of 21 years had been living a double life of lies, infidelity, and addiction for our entire relati...
Would my Spouse Still be an Addict if He had Married Someone Else?
July 19, 2022 12:00 - 28 minutes - 19.4 MBIn this episode, Mark and Steve speak from the heart to a PBSE listener whose addict spouse passed away and now she finds herself wrestling with some horrific "what-ifs." Here's the honest and courageous message she sent to Mark and Steve— Would this have happened if my spouse had married someone else?—Three years ago my marriage And my life as I knew it imploded upon learning that my husband of 21 years had been living a double life of lies, infidelity, and addiction for our entire relati...
What if my Addict Partner DEMANDS Sex so He can Stay Sober?
July 12, 2022 12:00 - 22 minutes - 15.5 MBIn this episode, Mark and Steve directly address a spouse's extremely difficult situation. Here's a small excerpt from the message she sent to PBSE— He has been an off and on again porn user through the years, and currently claims he is not using it. Since he has given it up, the demand for sex is nearly daily with clear expectations that “sex must happen every other day” or he will relapse and it will be my fault. - Attempting to transfer ownership of sobriety to a partner. - Using thr...
How “Sex” can be used as an “Intimacy Substitute.”
July 05, 2022 12:00 - 22 minutes - 15.4 MBIn this episode, Mark and Steve speak directly to a PBSE listener's in-depth question about sex being used as a substitute for true intimacy— "I love your podcast. I'd love to make a podcast topic request, if you're able . . . "Question: Can sex be used as an intimacy substitute? My husband wants lots of sex and cuddling, but then either avoids or only goes "into the shallow end" regarding the other areas of relational intimacy. I wonder if he has been using sex to try to fill an emotio...
How “Sex” can be used as an “Intimacy Substitute.”
July 05, 2022 12:00 - 22 minutes - 15.4 MBIn this episode, Mark and Steve speak directly to a PBSE listener's in-depth question about sex being used as a substitute for true intimacy— "I love your podcast. I'd love to make a podcast topic request, if you're able . . . "Question: Can sex be used as an intimacy substitute? My husband wants lots of sex and cuddling, but then either avoids or only goes "into the shallow end" regarding the other areas of relational intimacy. I wonder if he has been using sex to try to fill an emotio...
Recovery and Healing ARE Possible—Here's HOW to be Successful!
June 28, 2022 12:00 - 26 minutes - 18.3 MBPorn/sex addiction recovery and healing from betrayal trauma can be SO confusing, frustrating and even come to the place of hopelessness! In this episode Mark and Steve give you a view into their own recovery and healing journeys as well as their experiences as therapists. Learn what it takes to succeed in your recovery and healing efforts. Find hope that as a couple you absolutely can come together and be better than ever! Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to C...
The “Abuse Cycle” Par Two—The Impact of Abuse on Betrayal Trauma and Healing
June 21, 2022 12:00 - 31 minutes - 21.5 MBIn Episode 127, Mark and Steve addressed the "Abuse Cycle" and its effects on addicts in recovery. In this episode, they talk directly to the partners of addicts. How does the Abuse Cycle impact partners suffering from Betrayal Trauma and their healing process? Factors to be aware of regarding the Abuse Cycle— - Abuse from prior romantic/non-romantic relationships including childhood. This can include abuse that is often "discounted" such as a history of neglect, dysfunctional family syst...
The “Abuse Cycle” Par Two—The Impact of Abuse on Betrayal Trauma and Healing
June 21, 2022 12:00 - 31 minutes - 21.5 MBIn Episode 127, Mark and Steve addressed the "Abuse Cycle" and its effects on addicts in recovery. In this episode, they talk directly to the partners of addicts. How does the Abuse Cycle impact partners suffering from Betrayal Trauma and their healing process? Factors to be aware of regarding the Abuse Cycle— - Abuse from prior romantic/non-romantic relationships including childhood. This can include abuse that is often "discounted" such as a history of neglect, dysfunctional family syst...
The “Abuse Cycle” Part One—The Impact of Abuse on Addiction
June 14, 2022 12:00 - 28 minutes - 19.6 MBIn this episode, Mark shares his own story of abuse as a child to illustrate how the "abuse cycle" is often directly related to addiction. - The "Abuse Cycle"— 1) Tension Builds 2) the "Incident" 3) Reconciliation 4) the "Calm" - The Abuse Cycle is NOT an excuse for addiction but a VERY CRUCIAL EXPLANATION! - Remember that "abuse" is in the eye of the beholder: what seems "minor" to one may be "deeply traumatic" to another. - Understanding an abusive history doesn't "fi...
My Addict Partner of 33 Years is Out of Control and I Don’t Know Where to Start!
June 07, 2022 12:00 - 27 minutes - 18.8 MBThis heart-felt description, question and request comes from a PBSE listener— I’m a wife of 33yrs in betrayal trauma after finding husband on multiple times has had on and off affairs over 8 yrs with the same person and now found he is using drugs. Multiple addictions. I would like to set boundaries but I’m not part of his addictions as he does not turn to me. No sexual relationship in 2yrs between us. Can you talk about escalation of addiction. He started with weed then alcohol then porn t...
My Addict Partner of 33 Years is Out of Control and I Don’t Know Where to Start!
June 07, 2022 12:00 - 27 minutes - 18.8 MBThis heart-felt description, question and request comes from a PBSE listener— I’m a wife of 33yrs in betrayal trauma after finding husband on multiple times has had on and off affairs over 8 yrs with the same person and now found he is using drugs. Multiple addictions. I would like to set boundaries but I’m not part of his addictions as he does not turn to me. No sexual relationship in 2yrs between us. Can you talk about escalation of addiction. He started with weed then alcohol then porn t...
How to Surrender Control of an Addict’s Behaviors while Maintaining Boundaries and Accountability.
May 31, 2022 12:00 - 28 minutes - 19.5 MBIt's very normal for a betrayed spouse to seek to be safe and avoid being "blindsided" by more betrayal, by trying to "control" the addict spouse's recovery. Here's how a PBSE listener describes this challenge— My addict is coming up on 2 years of sobriety and 5th D-Day. I am in therapy and he has been in therapy off and on, changing therapists a few times and seeing them maybe twice a month. He was going to multiple SA meetings a week, even leading some. Now he goes a few times a month. I...
“To Masturbate or Not to Masturbate?” that is the question!
May 24, 2022 12:00 - 29 minutes - 20.2 MBMasturbation is an extremely controversial topic these days; one that elicits a lot of heated debate. This is especially true when an addict spouse engages in masturbation alone and separate from his spouse. Here's what one PBSE listener had to say about this— Hello Mark and Steve- I want to say thank you so much for your weekly podcasts. I am a former client of Steve’s, and I still listen to the podcasts weekly. I am so grateful to you both, for your conversations. I listed to your most re...
It’s NOT an Addiction if I’m Only Using “Porn Substitutes”—Right???
May 17, 2022 12:00 - 30 minutes - 21.1 MBThere's a lot of heated debate out there about "what is pornographic" and "what is not." Too often in these arguments, the REAL ISSUES can get pushed aside. Recently, a PBSE listener and spouse, submitted the following with regard to her partner's use of "porn substitutes"— Just over a month ago, around 2 months into his latest recovery, I noticed my partner watching videos on YouTube that are porn substitutes (eg clickbait 'funny' videos with suggestive thumbnails, videos of women filming ...
How Mark & Steve moved from “Defensiveness” to “Fighting for their Marriages”—Part Three—The Conclusion!
May 10, 2022 12:00 - 24 minutes - 17 MBThis is Part Three—the concluding episode on "How Mark and Steve moved from defensiveness to fighting for their marriages. In this episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and real to addicts in recovery about—HANGING BACK vs. LEADING OUT. - When an addict in recovery "hangs back" in the marriage, what does that look like? - Checking-the-boxes attitude or "it wasn't on the list." - Waiting for a spouse to apply pressure before taking action; doing the mandatory/minimum ...
How Mark & Steve moved from “Defensiveness” to “Fighting for their Marriages”—Part Two
May 03, 2022 12:00 - 26 minutes - 18 MBIn "Part Two," Mark and Steve address a VERY difficult situation for recovery addicts and their spouses—HOW to navigate people and places that are "triggering" (for both the addict and the spouse)— - A review of the people, situations and locations that can be triggering for both spouses. - How an addict in recovery can use "grounding techniques" to successfully navigate through triggers. - How to prepare for triggering situations IN ADVANCE. - How to "get ahead" of triggers as oppo...
How Mark & Steve moved from “Defensiveness” to “Fighting for their Marriages"—Part One
April 26, 2022 12:00 - 26 minutes - 18.1 MBOne of the greatest challenges we face as sex/porn addicts in recovery is becoming "defensive" when our partners offer feedback, speak their truth, stand their ground, face triggering people or places, etc. We easily go into fight, flight or freeze and DEFEND ourselves as opposed to "fighting for our marriage"! In "Part One," Mark and Steve share their personal experiences with specifically HOW to go from defensiveness to FIGHTING for their marriages when it comes to—"My spouse is speaking ...
How Long Should I Be “Sober” Before I Start Dating or Having Sex Again?
April 19, 2022 12:00 - 23 minutes - 16.4 MBThis PBSE episode is directed at single listeners and those already in a relationship. A PBSE listener who is single sent in the following quesiton— Hi there! I'm so grateful for your podcast- just found it last week on and feel I've already gained a lot. Here's something I'd love love love if y'all could address: For us single guys (and girls), at what point in recovery can we/ should be/ may we start dating? I know in 12 step circles, many suggest a year of sobriety before dating. In your...
Should I Just be “OK” with my Partner's Lusting?
April 12, 2022 12:00 - 18 minutes - 13 MBIn this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a PBSE listener's question about her struggles with her partner lusting after a co-worker— Hello Mark & Steve, My partner and I are currently in reconciliation from sex addiction and we are in our 4th month of monthly couples sessions as well as I recently started individual sessions. We really like our sex specialist, but he tells me to not pay attention to [my partner's] "lusting" and to get out of his head when it comes to the lusting as well....
Are you Sick & Tired of Relapsing? Then it’s time to “Be Stubborn”and “Get An Attitude”!!!
April 05, 2022 12:00 - 35 minutes - 24.3 MBAre you trying to break free from porn viewing and/or other unwanted sexual behaviors, but you just keep falling back into it?! In this episode, Mark and Steve get real about their own struggles to attain lasting sobriety–what does it really take? How exactly do you get to that “permanent place of sobriety”? You may be surprised by the answer. Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spous...
Are you Sick & Tired of Relapsing? Then it’s time to “Be Stubborn”and “Get An Attitude”!!!
April 05, 2022 12:00 - 35 minutes - 24.3 MBAre you trying to break free from porn viewing and/or other unwanted sexual behaviors, but you just keep falling back into it?! In this episode, Mark and Steve get real about their own struggles to attain lasting sobriety–what does it really take? How exactly do you get to that “permanent place of sobriety”? You may be surprised by the answer. Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spous...
How can I KNOW when my Partner has finally Stopped Lying and is Serious About His Recovery?
March 29, 2022 12:00 - 29 minutes - 20.6 MBIn this episode, Mark and Steve answer a spouse's questions about her addict husband and how she will KNOW that he is serious about recovery and no longer lying— My husband is in early recovery for his sex addiction which he has kept very well-hidden for years. We had our most recent D-Day’s 6 months ago at which time he swore that I knew everything and he was working on changing.. I was seeing a CSAT for betrayal trauma and he was seeing a therapist who specialized in “relationship issues ...
I Have Discovered My Husband's Relapses More Than a Dozen Times. What Now?
March 22, 2022 12:00 - 26 minutes - 18.3 MBIn this episode, Mark and Steve address a major challenge faced by many betrayed spouses—they keep uncovering and discovering their addict partner's relapses and bad behaviors. The addict may get some "sobriety" under his belt, but refuses to lead out by proactively pursuing his own recovery work. It seems the only time he does much of anything is when he "gets caught." Here's the situation a PBSE listener presented— i am messaging you from sunny England about my husband who doesn't know if...
When is it OK for my Addict Partner to “Back Off” from His Recovery?
March 15, 2022 12:00 - 25 minutes - 17.8 MBHow long should a spouse expect her addict partner to keep up his recovery? Doesn't there come a time when he can "back off" to some degree? In this episode Mark and Steve answer an excellent set of questions offered by a PBSE listener. Here's what she had to say— My partner and I have been in recovery since February 2021. Your podcast has really helped pull us through some rough times. We have navigated the "messy middle" and my partner says that now he is in a "good place." He has taken ...
When is it OK for my Addict Partner to “Back Off” from His Recovery?
March 15, 2022 12:00 - 25 minutes - 17.8 MBHow long should a spouse expect her addict partner to keep up his recovery? Doesn't there come a time when he can "back off" to some degree? In this episode Mark and Steve answer an excellent set of questions offered by a PBSE listener. Here's what she had to say— My partner and I have been in recovery since February 2021. Your podcast has really helped pull us through some rough times. We have navigated the "messy middle" and my partner says that now he is in a "good place." He has taken ...
What if my Betrayed Spouse Won’t Keep Up?
March 08, 2022 13:00 - 23 minutes - 16.1 MBIn this episode, Mark and Steve openly and passionately address a PBS listener's situation and questions. Here's what he asked— I have been found out for the eighth time. I am working with my counselor to work on my recovery. She says she’s not sure how much longer she will stay in the marriage. I will not fail to work on my recovery this time. I am in a SAA twelve step group. I will work on myself to make myself a better man. Here’s my question—I truly want to be transparent. However she ...
Episode 112: As Addicts, We Can Throw Up HUGE Barriers to Recovery and Mending Our Most Important Relationships!
March 01, 2022 13:00 - 24 minutes - 16.5 MBIn this episode, Mark and Steve address a situation and series of questions from a PBSE listener who is the partner of a porn/sex addict and struggling with betrayal trauma. Here's what she had to say— Hi Mark and Steve. first off thank you for all that you do. my partner and I have been listening to your podcasts lately. I have a few concerns though that I'm seeking input on: he told me he's not in a place of his recovery to be disclosing things to me such as what his fetish was/is. I thin...
TV, Movies & Media in a Betrayed Relationship—Part Two: What to do if you are the Spouse.
February 22, 2022 13:00 - 28 minutes - 19.7 MBIn episode 110, Mark and Steve addressed the responsibility that a recovering porn/sex addict has with regard to TV, movies and media--both for his own recovery and in creating the environment where his spouse can feel safe and heal. In this episode, Mark and Steve get super real about how crazy hard it can be for a betrayed spouse to trust her recovering addict husband around TV, movies, media and in public in general! HOW can a spouse trying to heal from betrayal trauma navigate her spou...
TV, Movies & Media in a Betrayed Relationship—Part Two: What to do if you are the Spouse.
February 22, 2022 13:00 - 28 minutes - 19.7 MBIn episode 110, Mark and Steve addressed the responsibility that a recovering porn/sex addict has with regard to TV, movies and media--both for his own recovery and in creating the environment where his spouse can feel safe and heal. In this episode, Mark and Steve get super real about how crazy hard it can be for a betrayed spouse to trust her recovering addict husband around TV, movies, media and in public in general! HOW can a spouse trying to heal from betrayal trauma navigate her spou...
TV, Movies & Media in a Betrayed Relationship—Part One: What to do if you are the addict.
February 15, 2022 13:00 - 27 minutes - 18.7 MBSomething that can be a BIG issue for couples—when one is a porn/sex addict in recovery and the other is a betrayed spouse trying to heal—is TV, movies and media! A PBSE listener asked Mark and Steve about this— Hi guys! My husband and I are working through his sobriety and our recoveries. We found your podcast and are truly thankful we did, thank you so much!! I had a question regarding boundaries. I have been working on my list but I am struggling with one in particular. When my husband a...
TV, Movies & Media in a Betrayed Relationship—Part One: What to do if you are the addict.
February 15, 2022 13:00 - 27 minutes - 18.7 MBSomething that can be a BIG issue for couples—when one is a porn/sex addict in recovery and the other is a betrayed spouse trying to heal—is TV, movies and media! A PBSE listener asked Mark and Steve about this— Hi guys! My husband and I are working through his sobriety and our recoveries. We found your podcast and are truly thankful we did, thank you so much!! I had a question regarding boundaries. I have been working on my list but I am struggling with one in particular. When my husband a...
Are Your “Resentments” Holding You Back?
February 09, 2022 21:00 - 28 minutes - 19.9 MBResentment is a POWERFUL emotion! And while it most certainly can be very legitimate based on actual events, history, betrayal, etc., it also acts as a HUGE BARRIER that can block us from moving forward in our recovery, healing and relationships. In this episode, Mark and Steve get real and dig deep on this issue— - What exactly is resentment? - How can you navigate through your brain's own defense mechanisms to recognize, identify and face your resentments? - Are you willing to begi...
As a Spouse, You Have “4 Primary Rights” with Regard to His Disclosure!
February 01, 2022 13:00 - 24 minutes - 17.2 MBOne of THE most important milestones in real recovery is when a porn/sex addict prepares a completely transparent and authentic "disclosure" of his past discretions and betrayals and then presents it to his spouse. This is often referred to as "D-day." And while the addict plays a key role in this process, there is also a VERY significant and essential focus on the betrayed spouse that must not be discounted or sidestepped in any way. In this episode, Mark and Steve address the needs and "r...
As a Spouse, You Have “4 Primary Rights” with Regard to His Disclosure!
February 01, 2022 13:00 - 24 minutes - 17.2 MBOne of THE most important milestones in real recovery is when a porn/sex addict prepares a completely transparent and authentic "disclosure" of his past discretions and betrayals and then presents it to his spouse. This is often referred to as "D-day." And while the addict plays a key role in this process, there is also a VERY significant and essential focus on the betrayed spouse that must not be discounted or sidestepped in any way. In this episode, Mark and Steve address the needs and "r...
How Can I Ever Dare to Trust Him Again?
January 25, 2022 13:00 - 29 minutes - 20.6 MBWhen there has been Betrayal Trauma, it can seem impossible to ever dare to fully trust again. A PBSE listener describes this struggle as "foreboding joy"—things can be going OK in the relationship, even happy, but there's always this "shadow" in the background threatening to "blindside" her with another betrayal. Here's how she describes it— I came into the relationship with many self-esteem and insecurity issues which, of course, have only been deepened by his betrayal. The thing I strug...
How Can I Ever Dare to Trust Him Again?
January 25, 2022 13:00 - 29 minutes - 20.6 MBWhen there has been Betrayal Trauma, it can seem impossible to ever dare to fully trust again. A PBSE listener describes this struggle as "foreboding joy"—things can be going OK in the relationship, even happy, but there's always this "shadow" in the background threatening to "blindside" her with another betrayal. Here's how she describes it— I came into the relationship with many self-esteem and insecurity issues which, of course, have only been deepened by his betrayal. The thing I strug...
All the ways we convince ourselves we are “entitled” to act out in our addictions
January 18, 2022 13:00 - 21 minutes - 15 MBThere are MANY reasons the ego-addict part of the brain convinces us that we are entitled to escape into our addiction outlets. These can include: I'm not getting enough sex from my spouse; I have no other way to cope with hard things; Every guy does this to some level; I've tried to quit a thousand times and it's impossible–I've resigned myself to it; You all expect too much of me–you don't want me to have a normal life; I need to be free to just be me . . . and the list goes on and on. ...
How do we move out of a “Trauma Response” into “Relationship Authenticity”? (Part Two)
January 11, 2022 13:00 - 24 minutes - 17.2 MBOnce you recognize that you and/or your partner are caught in a "Trauma Response," HOW can you intentionally move into a place of "Relationship Authenticity"? Assuming you have completed and openly discussed your "trauma map," proceed as follows— - Take a break from the situation—the people involved and/or the environment and circumstances. - Pursue some sort of grounding self-care, i.e., Journaling; Talking it out with someone NOT involved; Some sort of recharging self-care (not avoid...
How do I Recognize when I or my Partner are Caught in a "Trauma Response"? (Part One)
January 04, 2022 13:00 - 22 minutes - 15.8 MBThere are MANY "trauma triggers" that can create great conflict, pain and difficulty between partners. If you truly desire to work on mending your relationship and/or deepening your trust, connection and intimacy, it is CRITICAL that you each learn to recognize when you are becoming caught in a "Trauma Response." - Why is this recognition SO important to your personal and partnership path of healing? - How can you learn to step back and truly "see" your trauma response in the heat of the...
New Year’s Resolutions Can Make Addiction Worse! Try this Instead.
December 28, 2021 13:00 - 26 minutes - 18 MBIn this episode, Mark & Steve talk raw and real about why the traditional "New Year's Resolution" failed for them SO many times—and often had the effect of making their addictions even worse! What is the Psychology of the New Year's Resolution? Why do they often fail? Why do we keep doing this to ourselves, year after year??? The KEY to success is all about realistic, reasonable, reliable systems and routines, NOT grandiose goals! And here's the kicker--much of the process that gets us i...
How to Balance Christmas (and other holidays) with the Trauma of Recovery & Healing
December 21, 2021 13:00 - 21 minutes - 15.1 MBIn what can sometimes be the "hellish" experience of addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing, can we still find wonder, enjoyment and even a little "magic" in our special holidays and celebrations? In this episode Mark and Steve will share with you a very simple formulas they have personally used and taught to others--one that can help you find joy in the "little things" which can make ALL the difference! Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You h...
When Stress Hits—STAND UP for Your Personal & Couple-ship "Bill of Rights"!
December 14, 2021 13:00 - 24 minutes - 17.2 MBEveryone faces different kinds of STRESS in everyday life. But, when we're in addiction recovery or healing from betrayal trauma, that stress is often multiplied and magnified! Then add on top of all of that "holiday stress" and you have a recipe for some daunting challenges! In this episode Mark and Steve talk about how crucial it is to have a personal and couple-ship "Bill of Rights." Learn how to draw the line, set boundaries and stand up for yourself and your relationship in the face of...
This is Our 100th Episode! In the Pain of Addiction & Betrayal Trauma—There is GREAT HOPE!
December 07, 2021 13:00 - 20 minutes - 14.3 MBAlthough we can't quite believe it, this is PBSE's 100th Episode!!! Thank you to all our listeners who made this possible! It would never have happened without YOU! In this episode, we talk about a SUPER important part of recovery and healing--HOW do we find HOPE in the midst of the immense struggle of addiction and the deep pain of betrayal trauma? Come with us as we explore Real Stories of Hope! Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access...
My Spouse is in Recovery but will NOT have Sex with Me! What Can I Do?
November 30, 2021 13:00 - 26 minutes - 17.9 MBThere are plenty of situations where an addict spouse wants to have sex all the time. There are situations where the spouse suffering from betrayal trauma does not feel safe having sex with their sexually addicted spouse, even when that spouse is in successful recovery. But what about a situation where a spouse is yearning for the healthy connection of sex, but her husband in recovery will NOT engage with her sexually? In this episode, Mark and Steve address a PBSE listener who submitted...
How Do We Find Connection When There’s Been “Mutual Betrayal”?
November 23, 2021 13:00 - 24 minutes - 16.7 MBA PBSE listener recently sent in a situation and question— He has been in recovery and "clean" for a year. At one point during that year of recovery, his wife admitted to having an affair while he was in recovery. His question is—"How do I help my wife trust me again while I'm also having trouble trusting her?" - Why does "mutual betrayal" happen??? - This is a VERY complex form of trauma and requires a very specific and comprehensive approach to healing. An "outside" support system is C...
What Should Come First—Him Ending His Affair, or Us Starting Couples Counseling?
November 16, 2021 13:00 - 22 minutes - 15.2 MBWe know—the title of this episode is INSANE!!! But it comes from an actual question sent in by a PBSE listener— My partner and I are STUCK. We have been separated for almost a year now but living together for financial and child reasons. I have told him that he has to break up with his affair partner before I will agree to couples counseling. That goes without saying that I will not welcome him back to our bed without breaking up with his AP. He will say to me that he will break up with th...
How Can I “Adequately” Explain to My Spouse WHY I Looked at Porn?
November 09, 2021 13:00 - 20 minutes - 14 MBHere's a question from a PBSE listener— I am a recovering sex and porn addict working on my recovery and trying to reconcile with my wife and heal our marriage. She is constantly asking questions as too why I looked at porn and web cams and also commented and looked at women with lust. I struggle to answer this question in a way that satisfies her if that’s even possible. Any way you can help us navigate this difficult question would be helpful. Thanks This is a VERY common challenge and o...
My Husband Watches Female Professional Wrestling. Is That a Problem?
November 02, 2021 12:00 - 19 minutes - 13.6 MBIn this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a listener who asks a very important question about one of her spouse's favorite pastimes—watching female professional wrestling. While this sounds pretty straight forward, there is a LOT to consider here! I caught [my husband] watching women’s wrestling and a very inappropriate video of the same. More than once in the last few months, he lied until I showed him evidence. Then there were excuses and gaslighting and finally a pathetic apology. The ...
As an Addict, How Can You Move Past Your Defensiveness to Truly Connect With Your Spouse?
October 26, 2021 12:00 - 24 minutes - 16.9 MBIn this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a PBSE listener's sincere inquiry about HOW to move through his defensiveness in response to his wife's legitimate trauma triggers. Here's his message and question to PBSE— I am a sex and love addict, I have found that I perceive my life in negative defensive ways. When my wife pulls away from me for mental safety I perceive it as her wanting to abandon me. How do I repair that? I don’t want to continue being so defensive. I understand where my def...