Hello Dysfunction

115: Jacket And Shoes With No Pants On

Disrespectful dreams. Carolyn gets a haircut. What do you want to be when you grow up? The truth from Doug. Wishing Tessica the best. Sex work really is empowering and witchcraft won the Super Bowl.  This week’s tv recommendations are: Jersey Shore  Season 3 of The Sinner  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsor! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterh...

114: Trigger Warning

It’s been a really dysfunctional week.  The original is always better than a copy. There’s been a horrible local murder. Awkward parenting moments, the disgusting wealth gap and some great listener write ins.  This week’s book recommendation is:  How To Talk To Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere by Larry King  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsor! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your fir...

113: “Most Valuble Playa”

It’s raining it’s pouring, Crystal got the vaccine and is in Facebook jail, AGAIN! Constipated babies, postpartum hair loss and Pata Fria might not be asexual after all. Eskimo sisters, don’t tattoo animals and stay out of ppl’s trash!  This week’s tv recommendation is:  Tell Me Who I Am (Netflix)  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsor! • Syma’s Persian and Mexican Grill 1019 San Pablo Ave.  Albany, CA  symasgrill.com  Join our Pat...

112: Find My Balls

Crystal blows a nervous kiss, we reintroduce ourselves and Pata Fria’s mom hates green. Michigan is taking steps in the right direction, aggressive hippos are throwing off ecosystems and don’t get braces at anyone’s home.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  Night Stalker (Netflix) Unforgotten: 25yrs after Willowbrook (tubi) An American Crime (tubi) Hard Candy (tubi)  Book recommendations:  A Child Called “It”  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out t...

111: Wait, Look At My Socks

Crystal thought she had Covid. Coffee is just a blindfold. Take care of your credit and cheese is more addicting than crack. Vaping isn’t safer than cigs and please don’t call our phones or do emergency break-thrus.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  Dear Mr. Gacy (on Tubi)  Surviving Death (Netflix)  The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsor! • Syma’s Persian and Mexican Grill 1019 San Pablo Ave.  Albany, CA  symasgrill.com  Join ...

110: Never Having Sex With You Again

Covid is acting a fool, protect your toes! Carolyn takes a fall, grieving is tough, are you being accountable for your own actions? Celebrities and their spouses being frauds, don’t stay with anyone that doesn’t clean themselves and some tardy Happy Birthdays! This week’s tv recommendations are: The Minimalists (Netflix) The Wittman’s (ID Chanel) Obsession: Dark Desires (Hulu)  Check out our sponsors! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% o...

109: Sex Shouldn't Hurt Others

2020 is trying to kill Pata Fria. Always practice fire safety. Having kids later in life might be the way to go and Pee Pee is very spiritual. Wipe your devices before gifting them. Don’t touch hot things. Tinder for corpses is unfortunately not a thing, but do you know a serial killer? Some listener questions and lots of laughs.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  Songbird Nekromantik  Diagnosis I’m your woman and Soul.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is o...

108: E-40 Raised Me

It’s been a rough week. The vaccine is here, register your sons for a draft?? Some breaking news in really old cases, and the best verzuz yet. Take care of your mental health, some funny work stories and cool things to watch.  This week’s tv recommendations are: Alabama Snake  Murder on Middle Beach  The BeeGees doc  On The Record  The Surgeon’s Cut  Room 1028 Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first mont...

107: I Choose Violence

Don’t eat the McRib. Kids say the darndest things. Pata Fria chose comfort, LOCK UP YOUR GUNS, now isn’t the time to travel and beware of secret envy.  This week’s tv recommendation is The Occupant on Netflix.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: ins...

106: Dessert Eggs

It’s been a CRAZY week. Irish cream is back, our families aren’t doing well, the covid vaccine is coming. Let’s read more books, weird new citizenship requirements, listener questions and cool things to watch while inside. This week’s tv recommendations are:  Hillbilly Elegy The Kindergarten Teacher  Kennedy Assassination doc Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use ...

105: Beautiful

Xmas is here, let the decorating begin!  Covid scares, crazy soup and a platform shoe. Astral projection, helping our communities and cold raviolis. This week’s tv recommendations are: The Art of Racing In The Rain Game of Thrones  and Antebellum  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.co...

104: And Altso

Rainy days, xmas decorations and cat capes. Independent women jumping batteries, covid is acting up again, don’t be materialistic.  Discrimination, mental health talk and tons of listener write ins!!  Enjoy Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instag...

103: Vocal Dancing

New car, new president, cold weather and the holidays are now upon us. A really uncomfortable revelation and tons of great listener write ins!  This weeks tv recommendations are: I Was A Child Bride ; The Untold Story (hulu) The Queen’s Gambit (netflix) Frank Sinatra doc (netflix) A Teacher (hulu)  Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

102: Bisexual Criminal

It’s election day and we’re stressed. Halloween, nightmares and menopause. Mysterious medical records, men hitting women, dark humor and managing anger.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stor...

101: We're Barbers

Menopause, haircuts and skywriting. Don’t bully your kids, watch out for pipe bombs and always check the walls. Interesting groups, childhood weirdness, we got it all.  PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU VOTE!!! This week’s tv recommendations are: Borat Subsequent Moviefilm and revisiting Nurse Jackie. Join our Patreon! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected]  Don’t forget to subscribe/rate/review ...

100: You Better Not Suck It

It’s our 100th episode!!  Please make sure you vote like your life depends on it, if you find money keep it, can we lean more towards home remedies?  Cleaning house and plant studies, keep an eye out for all things spooky.  Tv recommendations for this week are:  Endless, Beautiful Boy and Lovecraft Country.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELL...

99: Save The Mexican Pizza

Post office drama, phone overboard, trigger warnings are important and what is the electoral vote! Raccoon babies have arrived, catfish is staged, Saturday is World Mental Health Day.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  Waves I Met The Devil Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

98: Mrs. Buttersworth

Beware of guitar picks, Dottie is happy, baby and Carolyn are getting sassy. Halloween is cancelled, PLEASE make sure you vote.  *Trigger warning: domestic abuse is discussed* This week’s tv recommendations are American Murder: The Family Next Door, The Eddy, and The Getaway.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Jo...

97: Don’t Scream In The Bank

We’re back! Hospital nightmares, no skin checks, vaginas do bleach panties. Monitor your kid’s zoom messages and don’t scream in the bank. Ratched is this week’s tv recommendation. Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  ...

96: Nose Stink

Our new baby is here!!  The rough ride is finally over, Crystal is healing with a frustrating new side effect, please wash yourself thoroughly before receiving a service.  We can’t hang out with problematic celebrities and as a rule, let’s continue learning and becoming a better you every year.  Queen & Slim is this week’s tv recommendation.   Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterh...

95: Can You Even Fit Your Fingers In There?

Today’s the big day!  Taco Bell KEEPS breaking our heart, Crystal is experiencing some interesting nasal changes, we share secrets on this podcast. Celebrity disappointments, the fires are consuming A LOT, please don’t ejaculate your pets.  This week’s tv recommendations are The King of Staten Island and Married At First Sight.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use...

97: You Guys Know Discharge is Normal Right?

94: Poop Knife

Crystal updates us on her surgery while Pata Fria prepares for hers. Family drama, lots of bullsh*tting on OF, an injured testicle. A funny work story, a listener write-in, and you’ll never look at butter knives the same.  This week’s tv recommendations are In The Dark, 1BR, Married At First Sight, Steel Magnolias and Fried Green Tomatoes.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp....

93: Vaginal Preservation

Crystal is nervous about surgery and guys are really gross. Our air quality is awful and depression is on the rise. Kittens are available! vaginas weren't made for men and please use extreme care when introducing step-parents into your family. I May Destroy You, Perry Mason and The Rain are this week's tv suggestions. Stay safe and don't forget to subscribe! Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at...

92: I'm A Receipt Keeping Bitch

This week we’re celebrating Crystal’s birthday, playing matchmaker and calling out bullshit. Unexpected places to blow off steam, listener write-ins and probably the worst birthing story you’ve ever heard. Stay cool, stay safe and subscribe xo Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

91: Ghosts Are Assholes

Waking up to some bad news, Crystal is Snow White in her dreams and don't ever question what someone else is purchasing. Fruit cocktail is tied to some uncomfortable memories, new paranormal things are happening and micro penises are more common than you think.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! ...

90: The Spence Stinkies

Crystal is dressed like The Ultimate Warrior, Pata Fria is having contractions. Wear clean underwear for your medical procedures. Don’t have strangers text your kids, if you want Dottie or Crystal’s attention use cheese. Pregnancy really causes some unexpected surprises and body modifications have reached shocking new levels.  Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

89: Maybe Don’t Eat Canned Meat

Welcome back...some babies have arrived, court went well, cats cast spells, watch out for things sucking your feet! Check expiration dates everywhere, don’t joke about anyone’s trauma, utilize social media now more than ever and bring back products from the 80s!  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO

88: Speaking Of Heavy Meats

We’re back with a bang and good news from our doctors! Crystal had a long visit inside a small chamber, spiders can’t be trusted, keep your kids close but give your doggies some space. Try new meats and always be aware of your surroundings. Some difficult news and code switching isn’t a good thing after all. Are re-born dolls doing more harm than good?  Enjoy xo

87: Kevin Is Famous

California is shut back down, we might lose the Oakland zoo, Crystal and Kevin made the news! Stop following problematic artists, Oklahoma natives are owed some rent and some listener write-ins are discussed.  Wear a mask, people.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO

86: You Go Fight At Cheese Park

Happy Birthday Frida Kahlo. Fires, no sleep, bubonic plague and firecrackers. Racists exposing themselves, a sad election and a couple fights. Always put your own well being first and get out of your comfort zone.  Enjoy xo. 

85: Just Leave Him

Busy busy week learning new technology. Crystal’s been diffusing family drama and Pata Fria is stressed from not working. Covid is alive and well and it looks like we’ll be charged for treatments after all. Headlines are usually lies and communication is always key.  Check out our sponsor!   BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO

84: Always Wipe The Pee Off

Happy Juneteenth/Father’s Day/Birthday! The ghost is picking on Dottie, Corona is alive and well, please rinse your damn dishes and everyone needs to wipe. Natalia is at it again, we have some really awesome listeners. No family towels and the ground is still lava.  Enjoy xo 

83: Crest With Sparkles

Family drama, celebrities in trouble, a heart attack scare. Police are being erased from tv, company branding is getting a much needed makeover and a few businesses that won’t survive the pandemic. Some day to day objects that can be surprisingly useful, don’t sell content that isn’t yours! And now’s a great time to explore some online dating. Check out our sponsor!   BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to better...

82: She Ate The Carpet

We’re back after a break, discussing some of what’s going on in the world. The importance of always speaking up, in the RIGHT way. Problematic family members don’t get a pass. Including Dottie. Crystal has once again expanded her squad. The Bay Area is slowly opening back up and never underestimate the value of good customer service. Check out our sponsor!   BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com a...

81: Bitch, She's On TikTok

It’s been a long hot week and we’re still under quarantine. Sometimes “friends” can be weird. Please practice some online etiquette, Crystal is now offering legal advice and lending out her purse. Pata Fria’s houseguest is showing off and Carolyn is acting out. Weird news, cool things to watch and stand up for our black brothers and sisters or be exiled, it’s not a choice.  Enjoy xo.  *If you or someone you know needs to be tested for Covid-19 please call  1-888-634-1123

80: Is Lucy Missing Money?

Happy Birthday Malcolm X and Pata Fria. Dottie is on her way out, a new animal is on the scene and pelvic pain is the worst. Find out if Crystal is under investigation and don’t let missing fingers and toes be a deal breaker.  Thank you to our sponsor! Better Help To receive 10% off of your first month head to BetterHelp.com/HELLO, again that’s BetterHelp.com/HELLO for 10% off your first month.

79: My Tits Were My Best Personality Trait

We're back again wishing Stevie Wonder and Dottie a happy birthday. Crystal's animal rescue foundation has re-homed all the kittens as she continues work as a full-time contractor. We share some tips on how not to train your dog, and get ready for bell bottoms because they're back. A little frustrating celebrity news and some tv recommendations. We hope you enjoy xo

78: Your Butthole Is Not For Vengeance

We're back from a break because let's face it, sometimes life takes over. Cinco de Mayo is for drinking, we visit lots of weird news, and why were all grandparents so beautiful? Some parenting talk, new film and book recommendations and keep Crisco out of your god damn cookies. Enjoy. Thanks to our sponsor for this episode: BetterHelp Right now, just for our listeners you can go to BetterHelp.com/HELLO and use promo code HELLO for 10% off your first month.

77: Hit It With Something Wet

Our brains are getting bored and we’re all dreamers. Home school is stressful. Health over capitalism. Must see show/film recommendations. Frankenstein is freezing and it’s a shitty time for a money scam. Crystal takes us down a dark path about cleanliness and if you don’t want to barter w your landlord don't ruin it for everyone else.  Enjoy.

76: Mom’s New Sex Toy

Same old shit, different day.  Crystal and Pata Fria handled a joint dog catching assignment. Happy Birthday to Crystal’s mom Charlene. Pata Fria is doing a new form of charity work. Don’t expect Crystal to change her cleaning routine. Be careful how you speak to/in front of your kids. No show can really top The Office and Trump is ready to colonize other planets.  Check out our sponsor! BetterHelp To receive 10% off of your first month head to BetterHelp.com/hello, again that's BetterHe...

75: Sobriety Swim Test

Lonely days, disturbing dreams, some family dysfunction, sassy tones and lots of tv  xo Betterhelp.com/Hello

74: I LOVE sex

Keeping in touch with you guys during the social distancing. This week we discuss lucid dreams, a new baby, ridiculous dads, investigating your partner, tiger king and the inability to get motivated lately may not be your fault... 

73: Keep Cats Out Of Your Ludes

Week 2 of quarantine is upon us, some ideas for making use of your time at home, companies extending some free offers to the community, don’t let johns take advantage. Crystal is back to normal and discovered an interesting new way to show off your pets.  Enjoy xo

72: Pistol Whipping

Corona Virus is bullying us all, book vs film. Don’t get scammed on the internet, penis injections are a thing and Pata Fria has added a new service to her menu. Stay calm and safe in the house... We’re all in this together. Betterhelp.com

71: That Time I Had Anal Warts

This week Crystal is starting a water challenge while growing closer to her adopted raccoon. Pata Fria revisits the importance of credit and making money on social media. Porn Hub is in hot water, celebrity sex offenders receive some justice and the corona virus might be scarier than we thought.  Enjoy xo

70: Just remove the walnut from your butth*le

Mercury is in retrograde and everyone is feeling it. Don’t worry about the Corona virus, strange news, ppl are cat fishing and women’s bodies really have it rough.  Enjoy xo. Betterhelp.com

69: Sex Splits

Financial literacy is important as are cameras surrounding your house. Dog bites suck, 90s beauty products were great and Pata Fria made Crystal litter. Do a credit check on your future partners and don’t ask how much someone paid for their kids.  Enjoy xo

68: Wiener Rescue

Ep.68.   V Day recap, it’s time to restructure The Bakers Act, we love dating shows and Robert Lee Noye is a hero.  Domestic violence is serious, don’t bomb the wrong house, you can tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to. Enjoy xo Betterhelp.com/Hello to save 10%

67: Stop Skipping All The Good Parts

Crystals cat is acting like Pata Fria, assume everyone has home surveillance, keep your pets out of your webcam scenes and always support those that support you. Valentine’s tees are a huge hit, no more butter before bed and radio dedications are signs of a good friend. https://www.instagram.com/hellodysfunction