Hello Dysfunction

212: Extra, Extra

It’s really true what they say, what’s done in the dark will always come to light. What happened to girl code? Crystal is almost prom queen at the new Safeway and many thanks to Robyn.   For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

211: BG and HD

This week Hello Dysfunction got to sit in with another Bay Area podcast, Burbeck and Garretson. We got some male prospective and a lot covered with seven of us all sitting in.  Follow them for more awesome episodes at Burbeck & Garretson on Spotify  and Instagram.com/burbeckandgarretson  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over t...

210: Sex Feet

We’re still sick.  Pata Fria is drunk and off her meds.  The craft supplies are out of hand and Crystal has some great white trash tattoos.  Crystal’s family has more dark secrets and sharing a bed is poor people shit.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/...

209: Big Mama

Crystal loves having phlegm.  Pata Fria is going thru metamorphosis. Again.  Peez loves to cause a scene and cigarettes are pretty hot. Crystal’s dream ruined their new lashes, local sex workers are making everyone really proud, eating food in the bathroom isn’t that bad and the 90s were pretty barbaric.  For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us...

208: Small Town Drunk

Rest In Peace Queen Prudence.  Stand on one foot if something is wrong.  Pata Fria is a single woman and will be for the rest of her life.  Poppies and eagles are for Merica. Carolyn is gonna hit Crystal any day now. Uncle Jimmy wants something and Pata Fria really doesn’t need alcohol.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head ove...

207: Arch Nemesis

This week we’re doing something different and sharing part of an episode that was exclusive to Patreon and we really enjoyed. We hope you like it, the full episode and video are on Patreon.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join o...

206: Wet Irish Meat

Sinus infections, vertigo and stomach viruses…oh my! Traffic has Crystal ready to leave earth and tummy tuck swelling is an unpleasant surprise. It’s now illegal to send surprise unwanted nudes in CA and Trump is going to jail. For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

205: Stay Out There

It’s a wild Saturday night!  Crystal got crop dusted, smoking used to be really cool, don’t encourage conversation with strangers and please always ask before dropping some heavy loads on someone.  Pata Fria can’t see and is still getting really manic. Crystal has taken steps to get her ADD under control and is drinking more water. Fords have no loyalty and being yourself will ultimately give you the best life experience.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  BetterHelp Professional therapy ...

204: Where's Your Teeth?!

Crystal is planning a no dairy challenge, Peez is after all the babies, driving in the rain is scary and people are always showing up at Pata Fria’s door.  Carolyn is doing and not doing whatever she wants, insulting racist humor isn’t funny and you don’t have to claim your whiteness if you don’t want to.  For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us...

203: Car Sandwich

Pay your bills. Crystal is on the loose! We’re experiencing a REAL winter right now and Pata Fria’s foot is probably fractured. Mayo is really important to Crystal, Pata Fria has been leaning on God and they’re both considering starting a church. For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

202: Budget TV Dinners

Valentines Day was cute, same day delivery is dangerous, we can definitely be bought and some people don’t have visual imagination!  Childhood trauma is so so hard. We miss old TV dinners. Don’t let your kids date adults and Pata Fria has an album coming soon  Check out this week’s sponsor! BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use disco...

201: Sex Machine

Surgery is done!  Pata Fria had a rough time but she’s finally home.  Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, re-use your towels and Robert Crumb is basically Crystal’s family.  Check out this week’s sponsor! BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patre...

200: Hanky

It’s episode 200!!!! We’ve been doing this for 200 years. Jimmy is alive. Happy Birthday Stinkers. Build A Bear has gone too far. Pay attention to the messages the universe sends you and don’t forget your kegals. For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

199: This Is Honesty Hour

Did your family swim in garbage cans?  RSV is terrifying. Dnt throw away cookies and try not to pee your pants.  Everyone’s info is on the internet and if you have it in you, be a Dom.  For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

198: Brown Couches

Happy New Year!! Don’t pawn your family’s decorations for meth. Crystal was a really bad child. Girl you know it’s true is a timeless classic. Apologize in your partner’s love language! Being a woman is really risky. Movies from the 90s can be pretty great. Pata Fria is sensitive to criticism and mean parents get softer with age. For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.c...

197: Couch Ham

Welcome to the dysfunction, Crystal’s brain has fun commercials on loop. Please don’t put Pata Fria on the spot about a tip. Christmas was different for everyone this year, but let’s keep it cozy as long as possible. RIP to our HD family member Rahni 🖤 Try to stay loose if you’re in an accident and ask Crystal to show you her new sweats!  For bonus episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction Instagram.com/lurkpatafria I...

196: A Good Bay Area Welcome

Pata Fria is really sick. Crystal has identified the local pervert. Spread kindness whenever you can and school is really a scam. Power really changes people and Crystal’s hypothetical questions are ENDLESS! Check out this week’s sponsors! BetterHelp  Professional online therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners! For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO ...

195: This Disease I Have

Pata Fria is sick. It’s a painful sick.  Don’t ask people if they just woke up.  Keep an eye out for the local serial masturbator. If your burps stink please stay home.  Sick dreams have been so fun and Suga Free is cancelled.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also well...

194: Who’s Knocking?

We’re back after a week of chaos!  Please provide others with the type of service you’d like to receive. Pata Fria finally got her tree up. Vaginal issues feel like bad karma and cartel videos are great.  Crystal had a visitor, Peez is cussing, grave robbing isn’t always bad and don’t accept bad treatment from anyone, not even family. Check out this week’s sponsor! • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real peopl...

193: Best Friend Energy - Ad

193: Business In The Bathrobe

We’re back and better than ever!  We love men who cry, break ups are embarrassing, we love meeting listeners and don’t lie about sleeping with people.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Gladskin Gladskin is a product that works with your skin’s na...

192: Little Mama

Starting out with a little ASMR. They aren’t called “windmeals”. You gotta be a little well off to really enjoy Disney. Childhood makes you the person you’ll be. Nightmares have been really rude lately and unnecessary details are Crystal’s favorite.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • Gladskin Gladskin is a product that works with your skin’s natural bacteria to soothe and resolve eczema, rosacea, acne and other skin irritations. Steroid-free and non-toxic, safe enough to also use on baby....

191: Bang Bang Niner Gang

Welcome to episode 191  Peez swings on everyone, genetics are crazy and we’re slowly becoming our moms. Don’t send illegal things thru the mail, Crystal has very sexual recipes and it’s so cute when you let kids dress themselves.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also well...

190: Pata Freak

Peez introduced this episode, Crystal serenaded our intro, Toto is timeless and Pata Fria might be drunk. There’s a new Damato in the gang, 80’s Cabbage Patch Kids are the current obsession and we got some things to celebrate!!!! War times are getting intense, don’t make a joke of adrenochrome, iron lungs are crazy and Grandmacore is not what it sounds like.  Check out this week’s sponsors! • Gladskin Gladskin is a product that works with your skin’s natural bacteria to soothe and resol...

189: Ruby Edgewood

Welcome. This is not a scam.  Knees are getting injured left and right, Peez had a meltdown in front of the paramedics and Mexican pizzas have been subpar.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO BEST FRIEND ENERGY Looking for your next podcast obsessi...

188: Your Sleeping Bag Stinks

It’s our anniversary.  Familial masturbation is awkward.  Pata Fria’s ghost is jealous again.  The wedding was beautiful and Crystal beat a ticket!  Be grateful for everything, even the hard lessons. Carolyn needs a phony inspection. Dreams are getting crazy and we have serial killers.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is ...

187: Small Town Girl

If you don’t like us, we feel you. Pata Fria was given a defective vagina, Crystal used to love morning after pills and there’s a fine line between subtle enhancements and full on transformation. Crystal lasered herself a new face and loved telling everyone all about it.  Men flirting is really cringe. Sexual dysfunction is stressful and Crystal is NOT from Steel Magnolias. For bonus content and additional episodes join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagr...

186: Her Shoes Don't Fit

Pata Fria is a bio hacker.  Roasting yourself is empowering!  Bring back pink popcorn, more lavender foods and bad moms are a popular theme this week.  It’s Latinx heritage month! Scarface is cancelled and don’t give your child a ridiculous name.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down ...

185: One, Two, Three, Six

Happy Birthday Peez!!  Hers a big girl and is already acting like it.  The Queen has passed. Now return the stolen artifacts. We’ve been having record breaking temperatures, don’t share my goodbye letter and tape your mouth shut.  Check out this week’s sponsors!   • BetterHelp Professional therapy from the comfort of your own home. Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s b...

184: It's Ramen Time

CHREEEEEEEES!!  We feel sick. Crystal is a woodworker. Don’t sleep with your dead pets and Pata Fria is opening a Montessori school.  Be patient with your neurodivergent partners and learn your love/apology languages.  Forgiveness develops with time. Growing up in the 90s was so incredibly toxic and have you made a virginity promise to your dad?  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/...

183: Murder Was The Case

The kids are back to school and bringing home germs, yay! Crystal is a contractor specializing in residential renovations. The local Starbucks needs to train their employees on proper protocol.  Bukk is here. Beater Boys. Please keep your pets away from onions and garlic!!  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  ...

182: Not Classy And Kind Of Annoying

Happy Birthday Crystal!!! Camping was a shit show, trouble follows us everywhere and influencer drama has us in a chokehold.  Reviewing some unnecessary write ins, not the good kind.  Check out this week’s sponsor! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hello...

181: Contist

Leo season is upon us.  We’re recording in a bed.  Is Pata Fria’s ig gone forever?  Crystal’s house and nerves are in disarray, Pata Fria and Will started fasting and talk shows in the 90s were AWFUL.  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

180: He Was On Demon Time

We’re doing our best.  Crystal’s house is all over the place, Pata Fria is a carpet cleaning professional, stop leaving your lashes everywhere.  We’re still waiting on Uncle Jimmy, let’s all take monkey pox seriously and always plead not guilty on your tickets. It’s worth a shot. Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added wee...

179: Don't Call CPS

Is the Choco Taco really saying goodbye?  Kids, finish your raisin water, snap peas and blackberries.  Shaving Cream has a lot of uses! Your name coulda been Elvis.  Stop wasting paper towels and wash your rice?  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Foll...

178: Mexican Violence Juice

Welcome to grow tf up everything isn’t funny.  Carolyn might be getting a roommate, Pata Fria is becoming a gamer and we might move to LA.  Never leave your kids unattended, follow these notes on how to be a good wife, zebras in CA is true.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon....

177: Slugging

Back loving the Blood Mary’s.  Let’s all get new haircuts. We live in hell, boric acid is not for everyday use and if you’re into skat play safe!  People flashing their lights in the daytime are friends! And Crystal won’t even cheat with a doll.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down th...

176: Dickfished

In person is always better.  Everything in moderation, even the good stuff.  If you love me, play dead.  Loss of a pet is insanely rough.  If you’re gonna dress up your siblings at least take pics.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: I...

Dickfished

In person is always better.  Everything in moderation, even the good stuff.  If you love me, play dead.  Loss of a pet is insanely rough.  If you’re gonna dress up your siblings at least take pics.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: I...

175: Betty Gotta Go

We’re so happy to be back.  We would like a Raisin Bran sponsorship.  Now Bunny has Covid.  Be careful driving cars that backfire.  Bladder botox is ridiculous and we miss our grandmas.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com...

174: Tweeker Pooh

We’re back!  Crystal and family had Covid, Pata Fria ran away to Florida. iPhones are messy, don’t make new videos of dead loved ones, Crystal will never stop seeing dad d*ck and got a hot new bathing suit!  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories...

173: Don't Come Here Clean

Pata Fria got a Mexican denture and surprised herself with how creative she gets while hurt. Crystal got a special voicemail and visit right when she needed it. Nightmares are among us, after 2.5yrs Crystal finally got Covid and blocking ppl is about self preservation, not you.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.c...

172: Roach Girl

It’s hot.  Roaches are never welcome.  Crystal is a caring death doula and guns are outta control. Pata Fria is more prude than you’d expect, thank god for growth, use water in the bathroom and dnt be gross.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us ...

171: We Be Havin' Thangs

Happy Birthday Pata Fria. Don’t call me “lil mama”.  Be extra nice nice to the ugly produce and Aunt Debra is a damn fool.  Being a woman is annoying, not everyone can breastfeed and Crystal’s singing has to stop.  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

170: Little Wet Friend

We’re almost 4 years old!!  Pata Fria is back from Mexico.  Carolyn might have a keepsake for sale and we have a new beauty secret to share.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people ...

169: Just Date Crows

Crystal is an adult cheerleader.  Keep politics out of our vaginas.  Hyper sexual children are more common than some realize and love at first month is totally possible.  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

168: We're Trying

Coffee is a trickster.  Tomatoes used to be a lot better tasting.  Stop telling everyone your family planning and extreme cheapskates are great.  Crystal is ALL about mid century modern and Pata Fria is getting her affairs in order.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app ...

167: Fluffer

Welcome.  Pata Fria draws nice stars. Crystal’s “what ifs” are non stop. Don’t fall for IG scams. Don’t forget your kids places, honest people still do exist.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram....

166: Loser Juice

Wanna smooth things out? Make a dance routine. Women are really in constant physical pain. Water isn’t a good time and cannibalism should be legal. Personality tests be on point and don’t let social media make you feel like you aren’t doing enough.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea i...

165: Parliament Belt

Eat cinnamon mentos for dinner. Our kids been stressing us to death and we hate Pepsi. Our recording decor is really classy and Netflix is being greedy. Tips on how to get more fellatio and plan your after death signs now.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunctio...