Hello Dysfunction
267 episodes - English - Latest episode: 2 days ago - ★★★★★ - 1.7K ratingsChildhood best friends, PataFria: a professional Dominatrix, mommy/grandma and overall jack of all trades, and Crystal: a die hard animal lover, mommy/wife, peacemaker and caregiver of MANY share hilariously dysfunctional stories from their personal lives. Navigating mental illness, familial chaos, awkward sexual experiences, views on current events, a little gossip, the dumpster fire of politics and so much more.
“Nothing is off limits and everything is funny”
Homepage Apple Podcasts Google Podcasts Overcast Castro Pocket Casts RSS feed
Episodes
66: Drink The Power
February 05, 2020 15:36 - 1 hour - 91.5 MBCrystal saves a cat through osmosis, Pata Fria ponders getting a shock collar for Dottie. Water your hot pockets and wash your ass. Some fun fan questions, a Dom story with a pro golfer and Crystal’ s early wrestling career.
65: PERTENTIAL DANGERS
January 30, 2020 04:46 - 1 hour - 80.7 MBThe weekend recap, family drama, McDonald’s soda secrets, pass on the Grammy’s, be on time aka early, practice code switching and let’s all be smart with our money. Enjoy xo
64: Give Me ALL The Sperm
January 22, 2020 21:38 - 1 hour - 83 MBIKEA sucks, Crystal hates January. Pata Fria searches for a dead body and dentures are really common. Read a book, watch the Aaron Hernandez doc and don’t wear nazi costumes. Enjoy xo www.Instagram.com/Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction www.Twitter.com/dysfunctionShow
63: Are You Leaking?
January 15, 2020 06:51 - 1 hour - 86.8 MBCrystal has another sinus infection and Pata Fria’s energy bill has skyrocketed. We need multiple streams of income so try everything, even singing about cats. Don’t shame people for working regular jobs, don’t be a house pirate. Donate your organs and check your pets for wetness. Enjoy xo Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction
62: Intimate Parts
January 09, 2020 08:49 - 1 hour - 90.6 MBThe first episode of 2020 is here with more vagina talk, explore the possibilities of lube, teach your kids to properly prank each other, never trust a leather kilt, follow the rules of the internet, keep your brains hydrated, some interesting beauty procedures and ear maintenance Enjoy xo Betterhelp.com
61: What’s Your Dirty White Secret?
December 31, 2019 07:15 - 2 hours - 115 MBIt’s the end of a decade and this week we have the amazing Lil Debbie joining us. Holiday recap, tips on successful gift giving, cats are thieves, New Years traditions from around the globe, don’t cheat during monopoly, baby jousting, and our favorite white trash delicacies. Happy New Year!!
60: Tammy’s Getting Spanked
December 19, 2019 10:53 - 1 hour - 78.9 MBCrazy Xmas shopping and delivery delays, Crystal celebrates 14yrs w Mark, internet matchmaking, did Pata Fria finally cure her rash, cancel culture, trust your intuition, delicate familial subjects, save your skin after you die, and did a sweat shop make your outfit? Enjoy Betterhelp.com/Hello
59: F*CK FRED
December 12, 2019 05:00 - 1 hour - 78.7 MBRainy days, kids know when you’re gay, celebrity tension, ‘tis the season for kindness, culture vultures, Crystal’s Animal Rescue is still in business, don’t share contact lenses and be nice to strangers that text you. Enjoy xo
58: DON’T SPIT START IT
December 04, 2019 10:00 - 1 hour - 88.3 MBLive show recap, Billy was a joy, Apple is glitching our phones, kids shouldn’t give haircuts, foreplay is mandatory, possible potato crisis, signing up for Better Help, listener questions, I probably won’t let an animal get raped. Enjoy xo BetterHelp.com/Hello
57: 15 Dogs Are Missing
November 27, 2019 07:40 - 1 hour - 68.7 MBVacation observations, don’t take your dog’s pills, poop forensics, respect other laws and cultures while visiting abroad, T.I. is still gross, Bezos’ latest donation, and don’t use my good paper towels. Enjoy xo Sponsored by Betterhelp.com use code: Hello for 10% off Betterhelp.com/Hello
56: “Two Live Crew”
November 20, 2019 08:03 - 1 hour - 71.7 MBHappy Anniversary. This week’s episode was recorded live before a studio audience. Crystal revisits a childhood kidnapping. Would you paint your son’s nails? Don’t lock your customers inside the store. Shameful OCD subtypes. Men definitely fake orgasms.
55: Post More Pics of Your Ass
November 13, 2019 05:00 - 1 hour - 77.5 MBIt’s National Kindness Day, is Rodney Reed a serial rapist? Dottie is leaking clear sh*t, there‘s actually a narcissism spectrum, don’t check anyone’s hymen and stop wasting paper towels. XO instagram/@hellodysfunction Facebook/hellodysfunction
54: I Better Not Be Burnt
November 06, 2019 05:00 - 1 hour - 85.8 MBThis week the girls periods are syncing in studio 54 with a Halloween recap, no one wants to get drunk and go to bed alone, an absent speculum, always check your tires, strange news and the first round of attendees drawn! Enjoy xo instagram/@hellodysfunction Facebook/hellodysfunction
53: 11 Dicks
October 30, 2019 04:45 - 1 hour - 61.3 MBDon’t trust Crystal with your Mexican drug operation, the Bay Area has been going thru it, tell your callers when they’re on speakerphone, Kanye does gospel, the universe is being weird, Always removed a logo no one really cares about, don’t be racist for Halloween Enjoy xo
52: Don’t Call It A Pee Pee
October 23, 2019 06:19 - 1 hour - 80.3 MBCringy words, Crystal has another damn cat, prepare your kids for sticky situations, yoni pearls, blood diapers, the joker, trauma makes you great and a few listener questions. Enjoy xo T-shirts & Sweatshirts Available at Hellodysfunction.com
51: Your Mom Is Not A Drug Dealer
October 10, 2019 07:34 - 1 hour - 87.2 MBKids are difficult, tell your car you love it, the Joker hits home, planned electricity suspension scare, Pata Fria was in a low speed chase with the cops and lots of listener questions Enjoy xo
50: There IS a limit to a mother’s love
October 03, 2019 04:00 - 1 hour - 85.9 MBThe joys of getting old, Pata Fria is still a practicing doctor, true love of true crime, Amber Guyger is guilty, read more books and parenting woes. Enjoy xo
49: All I Can Think Of Is John Travolta
September 24, 2019 06:06 - 1 hour - 90.2 MBTypical post break up transformation, Crystal got some new wheels, stranger’s awkward convos, everything is linked to parenting, unusual attractions and white privilege Enjoy.
48: Double D Donyah
September 17, 2019 04:14 - 1 hour - 77.8 MBPata Fria’s been getting artsy, Crystal is still car shopping, dreams and your memory are married, tarot readings coming soon, and don’t support shitty celebrities. Enjoy.
47: Ancestry is NOT for sex
September 11, 2019 04:10 - 1 hour - 85.3 MBMaria tried to scam Crystal, babies don’t have kneecaps, big fondue plans and an interesting “what if”... Enjoy
46: I Got Played
September 06, 2019 11:11 - 1 hour - 87.4 MBEpisode 46 “I Got Played” This week the girls return with some fun and not so fun announcements. Pata Fria is a newly single Grandma, Dottie is adjusting nicely, Crystal is collecting formal gowns for a great cause, Keto is scary and some listener questions are answered. Enjoy.
45: Pilots Be Drunk
August 29, 2019 05:15 - 1 hour - 99.8 MBThis week the girls are back with lots of talk about Hawaii and the introduction of Dottie. Getting old sucks, weird dreams and lots of listener questions. Enjoy.
44: Interracial Gangbang
August 13, 2019 06:45 - 1 hour - 99.3 MBEpisode 44 starts off with Pata Fria manifesting a new pet and sharing her latest reading, unapproachable soccer moms, school shopping is a drag, the truly dark side of being an empath, drifting off your meds, dysfunctional event planning and don't get in trouble at work!
43: Stay Away From Andy
August 06, 2019 00:13 - 1 hour - 70.9 MBThis week is episode 43 and the girls discuss some unfortunate events. Always check your drivers license for fine print, brace yourself before entering the post office, download a vpn before watching snuff, and real friends make radio dedications. Enjoy xo.
42: God is a Dom
July 30, 2019 04:35 - 1 hour - 79.3 MBThis episode focuses on a few odd subjects. Crystal's grandfather's feature in a book, don't lose yourself in a relationship, is the zodiac international, the rapture is all a big set up, don't give the internet your info, and do let your friends teach you sexual acts. Enjoy.
41: They're Definitely Neighbors
July 23, 2019 03:29 - 1 hour - 85.1 MBEpisode 41 starts off with a LA vacation recap, Crystal makes a medical discovery, gentrification woes, movie suggestions, animal tales, kids say the darnedest things, loving all things gross, and a very creepy murder Enjoy xo
40: No New Friends
July 18, 2019 23:24 - 1 hour - 88.6 MBEpisode 40 is back at you with an announcement of the new Facebook group "Hello Dysfunction, the meetup", hot girl summer with golden girl knees, how this show was born, Pata Fria reunites w her dad, Crystal needs to lock her doors, don't flirt with your son and boobs are sex toys. Enjoy xo
39: "I think Finnish people are cool"
July 09, 2019 07:55 - 2 hours - 122 MBEpisode 39 is here after a week off...the girls describe their new room, another example why humans suck, some celebrity news, food made from science and some beauty tips Enjoy.
38: Hittin Switches
June 26, 2019 07:53 - 1 hour - 106 MBEpisode 38 kicks off with a birthday recap, grandma's having company, don't spoil your kids, bad hygiene is rude, our deplorable government, Reebok pumps and some interesting Q&A Enjoy.
37: Piss over ice
June 18, 2019 02:05 - 2 hours - 123 MBEpisode 37 is here with some hippie hacks, trouble the kids have been into, Crystal’s grandfather is worse than we imagined, unknown neighborhood names, why it’s not always good to refer ppl, and Crystal reveals a shocking secret.
36: My Whole Life Is A Lie
June 11, 2019 07:50 - 1 hour - 94.4 MBPata Fria reveals a family secret, Crystal has a pleasant surprise while shopping, some film suggestions, what the bedroom is really for, Crystal loves talking to strangers and Pata Fria hates the heat. Enjoy Episode 36.
35: Wet n Wild 508
June 04, 2019 19:38 - 1 hour - 96.7 MBPata Fria can’t cry and has tattoo blisters, Crystal has an animal rescue foundation in her home, some mom talk and how to get fly in the 90’s. Enjoy. Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow
34: Ancestry Is Messy
May 30, 2019 19:31 - 1 hour - 104 MBEpisode 34 is here with a birthday recap, some dark family secrets, a medication update, what not to do in the post office, intuition vs anxiety and Crystal rescued more f*cking cats. Enjoy. Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow
33: "I Murdered Alicia Keys"
May 21, 2019 05:04 - 1 hour - 85.5 MBEpisode 33 kicks off with a recap of Crystal's hectic week, a ghost joined the Dom session, weird sex laws, uncomfortable dreams and more. Enjoy. rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow
32: DAD, DON'T COME IN
May 14, 2019 01:06 - 1 hour - 88.2 MBThe ladies return for episode 32 with a Mother's Day recap, the importance of being polite, some interesting news, technology is out of control, hygiene nightmares and a work story that involved some of moms miscellaneous items. Enjoy.
The Yee Yee Girls (bonus Episode)
May 09, 2019 10:20 - 18 minutes - 17.1 MBA Bonus Episode of Hello Dysfunction with Guest hosts the "Yee Yee girls"
31: Discussing Douches w Strangers
May 06, 2019 21:20 - 2 hours - 112 MBEpisode 31: After a brief hiatus the podcast returns with some dysfunctional family stories, the normalcy of anilingus, bad experiences w cops, a phallic playground, bloody cocktails and lots of listener questions Enjoy xo
30: Don't Masturbate To Death
April 23, 2019 20:57 - 1 hour - 93.5 MBEpisode 30 shows up with a bang. Literally. Some talk about how much April sucks, vaginal steaming bars, Crystal's new auntie tribe and the importance of tipping. Dont ask flight crews to do your dirty deeds, queens and princesses, overbearing moms and how Pata Fria's been spending her free time. Enjoy xo
29: I Like To Get Stretched
April 16, 2019 00:41 - 1 hour - 94.1 MBAfter an interesting weekend episode 29 covers it all. Pata Fria had a panic, Crystal Barbie and family keep things interesting. Some info and details about kink life, sugar daddies are just older boyfriends, a few celebrity news stories, Planet Fitness does dirty biz, press on nails and listener questions. Enjoy xo
28: Funerals Should Be Funny
April 08, 2019 21:25 - 2 hours - 111 MBThis week a lot of subjects are covered. White privilege is definitely real, Pata Fria made it to Detroit, Crystal does a good deed, pay attention to signs the universe is sending you, put the car in park before you get out, unfortunate news, Fisting is popular, and loads of listener questions.
27: YOU WEAR FAKE TOES??
April 01, 2019 22:33 - 1 hour - 103 MBEpisode 27 is full of random subjects and theories...we revisit chem trails, the effect hairstyles can have on a person, STRONG animal love, sex workers tend to steal, Crystal doesn't eat food or wear panties, Pata Fria completely misunderstood an eBay ad, the latest MJ accusers might be some damn liars, be a good friend or you're outta here, keeping your relationship hiccups within your relationship, and RIP NIPSEY HUSSLE 🙏
26: I Hate Babies
March 27, 2019 22:58 - 1 hour - 79.7 MBIt’s dysfunction as usual this week with another ER visit, soccer startup, Crystal’s new shoes and Pata Fria’s “recovery” to name a few. Abortion, some recent news, the importance of transparency and interesting bodily facts are also discussed. Listener questions and a few “would you rathers” are included to finish you off. Enjoy xo
25: Would You F*ck My Dead Body?
March 19, 2019 21:58 - 1 hour - 87.9 MBThis week is episode 25 and the dysfunction continues with an array of interesting subjects. Some advice is offered to their younger selves, astronauts get a lot of herpes, some women really love dick pics, the French appreciate gross smells, can you really be yourself? and much more. Enjoy, xo
24: Would You Rather...
March 12, 2019 05:17 - 1 hour - 89.1 MBThis week episode 24 begins with some feelings about the weather, how we're not anti-pimp and calling men a bitch is a universal no no. Stevi handles business, strip club etiquette and a little talk about Michael Jackson is discussed. More paranormal activity, is makeup catfishing and some awesome listener questions are answered. Mostly. *Our views are our own and not always agreed upon lol... enjoy xo Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction...
23: My Penis Was Crying Your Name
March 05, 2019 05:49 - 1 hour - 89.5 MBThis week’s episode begins with dreams, and spirt communication, discussion of the new MJ documentary, and Billy’s trip to Target for tampons. The ladies also share some info on interesting sex facts, Dubai showers, a begging Bay Area news anchor, and a hypothetical kidnapping. As always, enjoy.
22: Who Thought This Was A Good Idea
February 27, 2019 05:45 - 2 hours - 126 MBThis week we tried something new and had our producer Lev sit in. He won't be back. Enjoy xo Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow
21: Stop Petting The Cat and Finish
February 19, 2019 07:49 - 2 hours - 117 MBThis week opens up with a Valentine's Day recap, some parental stress and a warning about Love Potion. Weird news, a 3D printable death chamber and interesting poop preferences are also shared. Some listener questions are answered followed by a disturbing dirty client story. Enjoy xo Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow
20: Two for Twomp
February 12, 2019 17:17 - 1 hour - 104 MBThis week starts off w some celebrity drama, blackface fashion becoming an intentional trend, it's Black History Month, grey sweats are for bachelors only, pathological liars, Pata shares an unfortunate incident (trigger warning: a sexual assault is discussed), ending with a little porch surgery among friends. Enjoy xo Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow
19: Everything Is Gay
February 05, 2019 06:55 - 1 hour - 100 MBThis week there's some talk about problematic celebrities, the beginning of Black History Month, our shitty government, how the internet really can be great, interesting animal facts, listener questions and a story about bikers undoing their pants. Enjoy xo Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow
18: Foreskin & Pepper Spray
January 29, 2019 09:29 - 2 hours - 124 MBThis week's discussion includes circumcision, pubic hair preferences, parental enablers, the new abortion law, birth control tips, war on sex workers, views on Future and Chris Brown, how to avoid being roofied, and why you should always double check your teeth before going to a dentist appointment. As always, enjoy. Rate us on iTunes Instagram @Hellodysfunction www.facebook.com/HelloDysfunction Twitter @dysfunctionShow