Hello Dysfunction

164: Gas Station Pedophile

RIP to our dear listener Lauren.  Do your laundry.  Carolyn needs to make some money.  Divorce is ok!! Swear on your own life.  It pays to be a good person and tiny mustaches should be a thing.  For additional weekly episodes join our Patreon!!  Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria  Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

163: It's A Testicle Puzzle

Two mentally ill moms… Is Pata Fria retired?  Crystal is still talking to strangers.  New hair, who dis?  Crystal needs to delete games off her phone.  Hand me downs are great. Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   ...

162: Galavanting

Pata Fria’s voice is returning.  We’re still wearing masks.  Depression is a stupid bitch.  Don’t judge a book by it’s cover and beware of mountain lions in your backyard.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfuncti...

161: Kill Your Rapist

Excedrine is that girl.  Don’t take our medical advice.  iPhone “Share My Location” is not always accurate.  Crystal gives great history lessons.  Pray for Ukraine. We’ve been taught very contradictory rules.  Always be open to learning and please leave us a review xo Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HEL...

160: CREAM

Trauma makes you funny. Where is Pata Fria’s period. We’re kids with kids and the Olympics are racist.  We got really sweet valentines, Crystal got embarrassing singing from her mom.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and sou...

159: Move Bitch

Crystal brought us in with a very 90s serenade. Love Day is upon us.  Pata Fria got new lashes.  Don’t break anyone’s heart.  Chode vs mushroom Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpata...

158: Air Fryer Cult

Crystal is singing again. We’re tired of paying bills. The groundhog saw his shadow. We’re not  role models. Decriminalize drug use. Kill your local rapist.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your...

157: Red Rocket

Botox time is always a joy. This is a luxury trailer community. New Year’s resolution for couples.  Billionaires don’t need space toys.   Check out this week’s sponsor!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax before you drift o...

156: Phantom Souls

Welcome to the smoking closet. Crystal has tough lungs and more unlocked memories. Don’t fake the funk. Pata Fria wants a spiked ring of ownership and McKenzie fights.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  ...

155: You Pissed On The Baby

Today’s episode is gross.  There is no singing today.  We’re definitely from the older generation, hygiene is being brought up AGAIN.  Tweaker fights are the best.  Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Instagram.com/lurkpatafria Instagram.com/crystaldamato21 Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

154: I Have Good News

Everybody’s sick.  We’re old. Crystal’s paranormal roommates have been ACTIVE. Try to stay on top of your meds and don’t be a cheater. Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with rea...

153: On God's Birthday

Last episode of the year; 2021 has not been kind. You can stop being friends without becoming enemies. CDC said go to work. Don’t buy your kids tattoo machines. The Damato kids are hilarious. Snow trips with no adults. Roses for Jesus.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hel...

152: AIDS Staples

We’re not starting a pet furniture line. They can’t all be good days. Crystal has been living on IG live. Treat yourself to an occasional visit from a housekeeper. Dog bites. Poor family outings. If you’d like to contribute to Billy’s celebration of life/Carolyn’s independent living expenses, please visit  https://gofund.me/acc45cd6 Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: hellodysfu...

151: It's a Pussy Wig

We’re so happy to be back. Don’t let anyone put you in a closet. Self love shouldn’t bother you. Sober sex is different! Tattoos are great. If you’d like to contribute to Billy’s celebration of life/Carolyn’s independent living expenses, please visit  https://gofund.me/acc45cd6 Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s bet...

150: Make Me a Marionette

We love you Billy. National Day of Mourning. Don’t learn to make greens on the internet. Autopsy tours should be a thing. Frankenstein has moved out. Hippos are living it up in Colombia. In honor of Billy we’re bringing back the holiday tee, details how to purchase are available on our ig page. If you’d like to contribute to Billy’s celebration of life/Carolyn’s independent living expenses, please visit  https://gofund.me/acc45cd6 ANY amount helps, even just a share is so grea...

149: Ol' Trusty Red

We’re back after a rough couple weeks. Pata Fria has a plastic surgery addiction. Billy gave us a huge scare. Check in with your kids and take mental health as seriously as physical health. Don’t go slow in the fast lane and always shower before you get waxed.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Hella...

148: Italian Instinct

It’s our 3 year anniversary week!!  The new iPhone update might have a sneaky new feature. Bad service in a restaurant is really a mood killer and if Crystal wants your recipe she’ll track you down!  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Hella Infused  High quality handmade and lab tested CBD infused pr...

147: I"m a Big Ass Trick

Retrograde is bringing them old thangs back, don’t raise our rent. Crystal is a cool mom and also a part time plumber. Trains vs threesomes and Pata Fria booked another surgery.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Hella Infused  High quality handmade and lab tested CBD infused products. Support local ...

146: Why I Didn't Find One?

We’re back together again!  Crystal is a sex queen. Bunny’s becoming a bit of a problem and please always wash your hands!  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • Poshmark  The seasons are changing, we’re ready to clean out our closets and grab some new items for fall!  Poshmark is our favorite reseller app on the market. It’s super easy to set up a closet to sell your items for cash and browse thru thousands of gently used and brand nee items, some at 70% below retail.   Right now Poshmar...

145: You're Not To Be Trusted

Keep you head on a swivel, weirdos are out there. Raising sons isn’t always a great time. Pumpkin season is upon us and tiktok is great for life hacks.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and soundscapes to help you relax befor...

144: May The Best Pussy Win

Please note, this is our first episode recorded separately due to covid. Our quality of sound may have been somewhat compromised. A few updates, a few write  ins…everyone be safe and thank you for listening!  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Poshmark  The seasons are changing, we’re ready to clean ...

143: Dumb, Dumber, And a Baby

Crystal Barbie wasn’t real, call her Crystal hot tits. Everyone needs to explode sometimes. HSP explains a lot. PeePee is doing much better, Natalia made everyone early valentines. Check the dates on all snacks always.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, se...

142: Let's Joust

Bunny had her first fight, Crystal ate some bad food, Pata Fria is loving store deliveries and curbside service. When was the last time you ran full speed? Stay your asses off the milk crates and race play kinks are unfortunately a thing.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio a...

141: Creamies

Happy Birthday Crystal, fussy babies and the first day of school. Don’t eat chocolate in the bed and does anyone know how long plan B lasts?  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Hella Infused  High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right n...

140: And I Wasn't On Drugs

Crystal got embarrassed at Alpha Beta and has ugly nails. Pata Fria is a lonely girl, but don’t marry your cousin or your child. Starbucks is really slackin so thank god for Orbit Coffee!  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • DIPSEA Dipsea is an audio app full of short, sexy stories designed to turn you on!   The characters feel like real people with real life scenarios and new content is added weekly.  If you need to wind down there are also wellness sessions, sensual bedtime stories and...

139: Meat Sweats

PMS is killing us. Was Crystal actually a southern woman in a past life? America’s eating habits are embarrassing. Don’t wait for the stink.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Hella Infused  High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right n...

138: Hide Your Wieners

We’re still wearing masks, Pata Fria’s sex drive is on it’s way back and Crystal got her mouth clawed. Don’t poison your family, be passive aggressive or start fires with your gender reveals.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • Hella Infused  High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift and 20% off to our listeners. Shop now using code: hellodysfunction at checkout.  hellainfused.com...

137: Beefy Mustache

We’re happy to be back, last week was eventful. Art show was a success, Crystal samples drinks before buying and Pata Fria is fixing her Marge. Please practice fire, covid and drug safety. Crystal has a connection to New Orleans and they love making themselves known.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO •...

136: Pull Those Leggings Down

Welcome to the news.  PeePee is small and if you don’t have a medical clearance please make sure you’re at our art show. Pata Fria had a really vivid dream and beware of ticks! Door Dash has been a joke and Crystal’s phone is still x-rated.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • Hella Infused  High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift and 20% off to our listeners. Shop now using code:...

135: Put It In My Dead Mouth

Happy Birthday Frida Kahlo. Leo the cat used one of his lives and vets are kinda like car salesman. The art show is next week so buy your tickets now! PeePee is a true intellectual. Some twins are EXTRA close and Crystal discovered an awful fetish.  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Hella Infused  Hi...

134: Discount Code.. Hello

Crystal has boob sweat, Pata Fria’s back is broken. Pay attention to signs from the universe, love your friends while they’re here, Pata Fria is planning yet another surgery and Crystal loves 80s mullets.  This week’s tv recommendations are: High On The Hog (Netflix) Outcry (Showtime)  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • Hella Infused  High quality handmade lab tested CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free gift an...

133: Don't Judge Me, But...

There’s a cat in the room and it’s Bunny’s birthday!! Crystal had a Reno getaway, Pata Fria’s had a busy busy week. DNA testing, c-sections are serious, Crystal loves the Tootsie Roll.  This week’s tv recommendations are: • 7 Deadly Sins (Showtime)  • The Accused (Hulu) Check out this week’s sponsor! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO...

132: Sharing The Dysfunction- feat. Judge Us Not Podcast

This week we tried something new and linked with the Judge Us Not podcast for some male perspective! We hope you enjoy!  Check out this week’s sponsor! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: insta...

131: She's A Lot Like The Caldecott Tunnel

Pray we aren’t getting sick, keep an eye on creepy teachers, technology is really changing lives. There’s now a huge free resource for sex workers, don’t defend your children’s wrongdoings. A genital anomaly, let’s all educate ourselves on gender and sexuality.  This week’s tv recommendation is:  • Gender Revolution: A Journey w Katie Couric (Disney +)  Check out this week’s sponsor! • HB Crystals If you’re into crystals for their metaphysical properties or just to admire their beauty, ...

130: Let's Talk About My Tits

Crystal has dry socket, Pata Fria doesn’t have new brows but she does have new bras. Hackers are active on IG and we’re just constantly reminded how awful humans are. Don’t lie to AAA and don’t be afraid to ask where someone got their butt done.  Check out this week’s sponsors! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO The number for covid tes...

129: I'm Sorry, Robyn

Crystal is a registered foster dog mom, Pata Fria had a really nice bday. Nothing ever goes smooth so just laugh.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  • Ultimate Warrior documentary (A&E) • The State of Texas vs Melissa (Hulu)  Check out this week’s sponsors! • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • HB Crystals If you’re into crystals ...

128: Thank You Jessica Simpson

Gemini season is upon us, don’t be outside with a dookie stain, urine therapy is not real and pregnancy fetish is pretty popular. Piercing is much worse the second time around, Crystal is still expanding her vocabulary and the human body is amazing.  This week’s tv recommendations are: • Hoarders (Netflix)  • Unhinged (Amazon) Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.c...

127: He Bought Me These Pumps

Happy Mother’s Day, warm weather is upon us, Pata Fria is being responsible. Everybody doesn’t need kids, go thru your family’s texts, Crystal loves vibrating beds.  The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: instagram.com/hellodysfunction  Email us your questions/stories at: [email protected] 

126: Parsley Pussy

A day late and a dollar short. Crystal is missing her foster puppy and Pata Fria had a rollercoaster of a week. Beware of ticks, scabies and Californians may have an accent.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!...

125: Hood Foarder

Crystal has vertigo and a close relationship with AAA. Covid is still here, Rest In Peace CY. Pata Fria is liking her meds but being around people is still rough. Noise bothers you more when you get older, be careful with life coaches.  This week’s tv recommendations are: • Insecure (HBO)  • I Care A Lot (Netflix) again lol  • The Family I Had (Amazon)  • Exterminate All The Brutes (HBO) Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our l...

124: Are You Dru Down?

We had some technical difficulties recording this episode, bear with us. Pata Fria is planning another surgery, Crystal had a run in with the cops. Bra shopping isn’t a good time and don’t hoard your Meals On Wheels containers!  This weeks tv recommendations are: • 2020 (Hulu) The Chameleon and Tangled Web episodes • Them (Amazon prime) • The Lie (Amazon prime)  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your ...

123: Liver Spotted Dick

Crystal’s favorite store is gone, Billy is at it again, don’t see clients in Discovery Bay and monitor your kid’s porn searches. Happy Birthday Mark and Pata Fria’s dreams are still outta control.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  Koncrete podcast’s YouTube episode featuring Mark Laita of Soft White Underbelly.  The number for covid testing and vaccine appts in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Join our Patreon!! Patreon.com/hellodysfunction  Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/hellodysfunctio...

122: 2021 Women in Podcasting

April Fools, Easter and making sure everyone showers. Crystal is still betraying Pata Fria in her dreams and both are fully vaccinated. Don’t rush your happiness, 30s are when the REAL fun starts and we’ve never regretted breaking up with anyone.  Check out this week’s sponsor!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO The number for covid te...

121: Fuck You And Them Fish

The hot weather is not appreciated, Crystal is BACK in FB jail, Sharon Osbourne is shit, Chet Hanks is embarrassing. The universe is hella funny sometimes, spirits are acting up, let us keep our body parts and now we know how Natalia really feels.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  • Q: Into The Storm (HBO) • Seaspiracy (Netflix)  • Beauties of The Night (Netflix)  • Tina (HBO)  • The Shining (HBO)  This week’s podcast recommendations are: • Radical Musings with Rosanna Arquette! ...

121: Fuck You & Them Fish

120: Side Boob & Stained Holes

Crystal nearly dislocated her shoulder, Pata Fria’s dysfunctional trip to the snow, Billy loves Elvis, onlygrans, watch your mouth on the phone and keep it cute on clubhouse.  This week’s podcast recommendations are: • Radical Musings with Rosanna Arquette! • Sword and Scale episodes 177, 178, and 180. Check out this week’s sponsors!  • Hella Infused  High quality handmade CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business! Right now Hella Infused is offering a free g...

119: Peeing is OK

Nostalgic cravings, an old dumb monarchy, there’s always gold in the comments. Sharon Osbourne is gross, we love positive examples of sex workers, virginity is a societal construct.  This week’s podcast recommendation is Radical Musings with Rosanna Arquette!  Check out this week’s sponsors!  • BetterHelp Right now BetterHelp is offering a discount to our listeners. For 10% off your first month head over to betterhelp.com and use discount code HELLO, that’s betterhelp.com/HELLO • Hella ...

118: Silly Goose

Crystal is emotional, Pata Fria is not Italian. Stretch your butthole. Post our dead pics. How to hire a hooker and mosquito-eaters are harmless.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  •Meghan Harry Oprah interview (PBS) • Bliss (Prime)  • Biggie doc (Netflix)  •Pretend It’s A City (Netflix)  Check out this week’s sponsor!  Hella Infused  Highly recommended handmade CBD infused products.  Black woman owned/local/independent business!  www.hellainfused.com  IG: @hella_infused The n...

117: Dry Gas

Crystal got her final vaccine, Pata Fria has gerd. Don't have power trips while driving and be very careful using uber and lyft. Cute puppies, perform a random act of kindness, stalkers are no fun and some unfortunate news stories.  This week’s tv recommendations are:  I Care A Lot (Netflix)  Buried by the Bernards (Netflix) Canine Intervention (Netflix)  Allen v. Farrow (HBO Max) The number for covid testing in your area:  1-888-634-1123 Check out this week’s sponsor! • BetterHelp ...

116: Who is The Real Throat Goat

We’re entering the world of video. Crystal’s cat has fallen in love. Acid reflux feels like death is near. There’s a teen missing from Richmond. Cleaning your eyelash extensions is a must. Is there really a such thing as “just friends”? And nevermind the expiration dates.  This weeks tv recommendations are: Soft White Underbelly: “Faith” episode (YouTube)  Judas and The Black Messiah (HBO) War Dogs (Netflix)  Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel (Netflix)  The number for covid...