The Topical
258 episodes - English - Latest episode: almost 3 years ago - ★★★★★ - 1.4K ratingsThe Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.
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Episodes
CDC Urges Nation’s Hotties And Studs Not To Hide That Pretty Little Face Behind A Mask
April 20, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesThe CDC is issuing new guidelines in the fight against Covid-19. Hear why health officials now believe that if you got it, you should flaunt it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Ford, General Motors To Begin Manufacturing Car-Sized Ventilators
April 17, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesThe American automotive industry is taking action in the fight against coronavirus, and manufacturers all across the country are pledging to use their factories to produce much-needed ventilators, so long as no one minds that the ventilators will look like and be the same size as cars. OPR has the latest on this heroic undertaking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
‘I Congratulate Joe Biden, A Very Decent Man,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Unprovoked Attack On Democratic Party Unity
April 16, 2020 09:00 - 6 minutesThe gloves are off. But is former presidential contender Bernie Sanders just a sore loser, or does he really want to see another four years of President Trump? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It
April 15, 2020 09:00 - 5 minutesIt’s a historic stimulus bill that will finally offer some financial relief to those affected by the coronavirus outbreak. But will Americans be able to prove they’re mature enough to spend it responsibly? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Census Foot Soldiers Swarm Neighborhoods, Kick Down Doors To Tally Household Sizes
April 14, 2020 08:00 - 7 minutesEvery 10 years, platoons of armed soldiers from the U.S. Census Bureau burst through doors across the nation and count everyone living inside. Hear how the Bureau accomplishes this astonishing feat. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores
April 13, 2020 08:00 - 6 minutesLawmakers are finally beginning to take action with a new coronavirus package that will distribute 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzles to all bored families most affected. But will it be enough? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
European Vacation Dispatch: All Good Things Must Come To An End
April 10, 2020 20:00 - 1 minuteWhile host Leslie Price wishes his Italian getaway would never end, he simply can’t wait to get back behind the microphone. Join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
European Vacation Dispatch: Ciao From The Venetian Riviera!
April 08, 2020 20:00 - 1 minuteHost Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
European Vacation Dispatch From Leslie Price
April 06, 2020 20:00 - 1 minuteHost Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FIVE: The Last Will And Testament Of Topical Host Leslie Price
April 03, 2020 20:00 - 10 minutesAfter discovering he may have contracted Covid-19 from his yoga swami Derek, Leslie Price reflects on his time on Earth as he prepares for the worst. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FOUR: Host Leslie Price Confronts The Cursed Scratching Within His Walls
April 02, 2020 20:00 - 11 minutesAfter four days of self-isolation, the walls inside Leslie Price’s apartment begin to speak to him. But are their incessant dronings that of a plagued beast? Or something not of this realm at all? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY THREE: Scientists No Closer To Understanding How Pressing Buzzer Unlocks Apartment Door
April 01, 2020 20:00 - 9 minutesEven while being quarantined in his home for the past 72 hours, Topical host Leslie Price still finds a way to deliver groundbreaking investigative journalism. In this in-depth OPR report, Price searches for answers to the questions other podcasts are too afraid to ask, like does the buzzing unlock the door? Or is it just a signal that the door is unlocked? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY TWO: Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closures Of All Orifices
March 31, 2020 20:00 - 8 minutesHear how those in and around the rim of the adult film industry will be affected. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY ONE: Jesus Christ Cancels Return To Earth Amid Pandemic
March 30, 2020 20:00 - 9 minutesOPR is sheltering in place and podcasting from home. But that won’t stop host Leslie Price from bringing you all the day’s top stories, including why the Son of God’s triumphant second coming may be suspended indefinitely. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Doctors Encourage More Women To Regularly Perform Breast Self-Exams To See If They Need Implants
March 27, 2020 20:00 - 6 minutesIt’s a simple procedure you can do at home, and it only takes a few minutes each month. Hear how performing this routine check-up yourself could change your life. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
NASA Finds Life Drowned On Mars
March 26, 2020 20:00 - 5 minutesIt’s an historic achievement that is being celebrated by the scientific community. Find out what this means for our solar system, and if this could lead to the discovery of more extraterrestrial corpses. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
National Park Service Under Fire For Wasting $40 Million To Pamper A Single, Charming Moose
March 25, 2020 20:00 - 6 minutesHis name is Alton, and he’s a 1,200-pound bull moose who’s been described as “charismatic” and “charming” by the NPS. But are their attempts to woo him costing taxpayers millions? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Russia Pledges To Run Completely Positive Disinformation Campaign In 2020
March 24, 2020 20:00 - 6 minutesThe same Russian internet trolls known for interfering with the 2016 election are taking a step back from the mud-slinging, and are committing themselves to only spreading nice lies this time around. But will it work? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
God Possesses Pope Francis’s Body, Spins Head Around In Miraculous Sunday Mass
March 23, 2020 20:00 - 7 minutesThe Creator of Heaven and Earth spoke directly to his followers yesterday by forcing Pope Francis to crab walk on the ceiling of St. Peter’s Basilica. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
NASA Announces They Definitely Just Destroyed An Asteroid
March 20, 2020 20:00 - 13 minutesA really big one, too. Hear how close NASA officials say the Earth was to total annihilation, and why they are the ones to thank for saving us all. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Dark, Ominous Storm Clouds Atop Mount Money Indicate Recession Could Be Near
March 19, 2020 20:00 - 7 minutesBut what do these black, billowing clouds covering the mountain’s foothills mean for your wallet? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Marina Abramović Stolen In Daring Performance Art Heist
March 18, 2020 20:00 - 7 minutesHear how thieves were able steal the prized performance artist from the Museum of Modern Art, and what the NYPD is doing to catch them. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Fiat Recalls More Than 10,000 Cars For Not Looking Small And Weird Enough
March 17, 2020 20:00 - 5 minutesThe Italian car manufacturer announced the recall of their new C-SUV, citing issues that range from it not having funny little mirrors to drivers not bumping their head when they get inside. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time
March 16, 2020 20:00 - 8 minutesThe World Health Organization is issuing new warnings today following reports that an 8-year-old chimney sweep in 1860s London has tested positive for Covid-19. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
An Alarming Crime Scene In New England
March 13, 2020 20:00 - 7 minutesWhat we now know about the crime scene in Portland, ME that has all the different kinds of cops. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Green Giant Takes A Stand Against Gun Violence
March 12, 2020 20:00 - 7 minutesThe vegetable packaging company Green Giant announced this week that they are rolling out a new program where gun owners can trade in their firearms for green beans. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building
March 11, 2020 20:00 - 9 minutesScientists are calling it perhaps the biggest setback ever in the field of neuroscience. Hear why researchers believe one mouse, who’s a real little bastard, may be to blame. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Is Bernie Sanders Too Old To Be The Next James Bond?
March 10, 2020 20:00 - 8 minutesA new poll shows the majority of Americans believe the senator’s age could impede him from carrying out the duties of MI6’s most daring spy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Dow Rallies After It Turns Out Trader Who Jumped Out Window Was Merely Having Marital Problems
March 09, 2020 20:00 - 8 minutesGood news on Wall Street today as the Dow recovers following a big scare. Hear how markets surged after it was revealed the stock trader who jumped out of a high rise window only did it because his wife left him. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
FAA Restricts Passenger Jets To Flying No More Than 15 Feet Above Ground
March 06, 2020 21:00 - 7 minutesNew FAA regulations announced today are looking to make the skies a little safer. But can anything truly save us from those giant metal death traps hurling through the air? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
CDC Warns Public Of Mutating Coronavirus
March 05, 2020 21:00 - 9 minutesNew data show that the virus Covid-19 has become so advanced that it could now mutate into anything or anyone, even someone you trust. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Catholic Leaders Transfer Most Alluring Children To Another Church
March 04, 2020 21:00 - 7 minutesVatican officials are under fire for what many are calling their ineffectual, soft-handed response to charges of mass sexual abuse within the Catholic church. Will transferring the most alluring Catholic children to another church be enough? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
White House Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt
March 03, 2020 21:00 - 8 minutesOn this Super Tuesday, Democrats in a number of key states are headed to the polls, but Republicans are outraged. Hear why many on the right are calling the 2020 election nothing more than a partisan witch hunt aimed at unseating the president. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
DNC Commits To Younger-Looking Leadership With New Rejuvenating Skincare Routine
March 02, 2020 21:00 - 8 minutesDemocratic leaders hope to bring in fresh, butter-soft, blemish-free appearances to the party with a new $40 million pledge toward rejuvenating skin care products. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Pentagon Awards Oscar Mayer $102 Million Contract For New Military-Grade Hot Dog
February 28, 2020 21:00 - 9 minutesThis puppy’s got all the fixins, too. We’re talking mustard, relish, even hot peppers. But will this all-beef dog be the most advanced encased meat on the battlefield or just another classic example of government waste? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
CBS Inks Deal For 30-Episode Bloomberg Ad
February 27, 2020 21:00 - 8 minutesHear why CBS studio executives are calling the decision to order up a full series of long-form ads from the Bloomberg campaign a “no-brainer.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
CDC Warns Against Potential Health Risks Of Flavored Gun Barrels
February 26, 2020 21:00 - 8 minutesIt’s the hottest new trend among our nation’s teens, but could it be deadly? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Yosemite On Lockdown After Bear Spotted In Park
February 25, 2020 21:00 - 8 minutesThe National Park Service announced that Yosemite National Park will be closed indefinitely after startled witnesses reportedly spotted a bear on the grounds. A really big bear, too. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Federal Government Reinstitutes Practice Of Spanking Criminals As Punishment
February 24, 2020 21:00 - 7 minutesHuman rights activists are up in arms after the DOJ announced it would be resuming federal punishments, making it legal to sentence the country’s most naughty felons to a good, hard spanking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Anti-Cyberbullying Campaign Encourages Kids To Get Out There And Do It In Person
February 21, 2020 21:00 - 10 minutesIt’s the latest attempt to cut down on online abuse among middle and high schoolers. But will it work? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
God In Critical Condition
February 20, 2020 21:00 - 7 minutesThe Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, was rushed into emergency surgery after accidentally shooting Himself while cleaning His gun. Hear what doctors have to say about His chances of recovery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Australian Officials Touting Bushfire As Huge Success
February 19, 2020 21:00 - 8 minutesParliament officials in Canberra are celebrating today, touting the success of their new wildfire introduction program that is designed to control the country’s pestering koala population. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Pope Francis: ‘Nobody Out-Molests The Catholic Church’
February 18, 2020 21:00 - 8 minutesA major announcement in Vatican City as Pope Francis insists that Catholic priests around the world are not about to be out-molested by some goddamned Boy Scouts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Tyson Foods Orders Trump To Cease And Desist
February 17, 2020 21:00 - 7 minutesThe Trump campaign received a cease-and-desist letter this morning from Tyson Foods demanding that the president stop playing their slaughterhouse recordings at his rallies. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Love Sounds With Martha Saunders: How I Learned To Love Valentine’s Day After A Nude Man In A Diaper Killed My Father With A Bow And Arrow
February 14, 2020 21:00 - 7 minutesOn a special Valentine’s Day edition of The Topical, join the host of OPR's Love Sounds, Martha Saunders, as she explores questions about sex, love, and a lot of other topics you would probably prefer to keep private. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Tinder Swipes Right On Big Changes
February 13, 2020 21:00 - 8 minutesThe popular dating app Tinder announced today that it will no longer match users exclusively with distant relatives. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
FBI Warns Against American Dream Scam
February 12, 2020 21:00 - 7 minutesIt promises prosperity and success in exchange for nothing more than a lifetime of hard work and determination. Hear how authorities suggest people protect themselves from this growing scam. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Department Of Evil: ‘All Of You Must Die’
February 11, 2020 21:00 - 9 minutesThe Department of Evil issued a strong and clear message today confirming that every resident of the United States must die. But what does it mean for Americans and their mortality? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Oscars Ceremony Ruined
February 10, 2020 21:00 - 10 minutesLast night’s Academy Awards were marred by what might be the Oscars’ worst gaffe in years. Hear how a leaky pipe in the Dolby Theater almost shut down the ceremony for good, and about the superintendent who stepped in to make it all much worse. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
A Shocking Scene Of Rebellion
February 07, 2020 21:00 - 6 minutesOnlookers were stunned in Lansing, MI after witnessing a rebellious young man who had the audacity to dye his hair blue. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices