The Topical
258 episodes - English - Latest episode: almost 3 years ago - ★★★★★ - 1.4K ratingsThe Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.
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Episodes
Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years
November 19, 2020 10:00 - 8 minutesHear what has led 55-year-old Kansas City resident Jonathan Huston to not reading, seeing, or hearing a single verifiable fact since 2014. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
New Study Reveals Majority Of Memory Lapses Brought On By Visiting Government Black Site
November 18, 2020 13:39 - 8 minutesIf you’re feeling a little more forgetful nowadays, you’re not alone. Hear why it could be linked to being blindfolded, thrown into the back of an unmarked van, and taken to a covert CIA bunker for several days at a time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon
November 17, 2020 10:00 - 8 minutesHear why a natural, mutual chemistry finally led the two intergalactic lovebirds to making it official. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night
November 16, 2020 10:00 - 6 minutesHear how the dramatic increase in grassroots fundraising could help spread the Aryan Brotherhood’s message of racial purity nationwide. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Nation Regrets Not Signing Prenup After Finding Out Trump Entitled To Half Of Country’s Assets
November 13, 2020 11:00 - 7 minutesHear how Trump’s lawyers plan to aggressively go after the nation’s belongings, and why the American people are likely going to have to pony up. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
New United Ultra Economy Class Tickets Lets Passengers Get Dragged Behind Plane By Giant Rope
November 12, 2020 10:00 - 8 minutesHear why United Airlines and customers alike are calling the new Ultra Economy option just as satisfying, comfortable, and safe as any other flight option. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Soldier Faces Difficult Adjustment To Life At Home After Long Trip To Bathroom
November 11, 2020 10:00 - 9 minutesOn this Veteran’s Day, The Topical honors one brave service member and his long road back to normalcy after a particularly long and grueling tour of duty. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
OPR Health Insurance Lists Leslie Price As Employee’s Only In-Network Primary Care Provider
November 10, 2020 10:00 - 11 minutesHost Leslie Price sits down with staff members of The Topical for their annual checkup. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus
November 09, 2020 10:00 - 8 minutesJoe Biden’s campaign promise of a “rapid pandemic response” may have been what earned him a victory, so why hasn’t he or his administration done anything to solve the crisis in the last 24 hours? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Report: You Slept Through Your Alarm And This All A Dream
November 06, 2020 10:00 - 7 minutesHear why you probably should have set a back-up alarm because it’s already 11 a.m. and everyone is looking for you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants
November 05, 2020 10:00 - 7 minutesHear why a growing list of targets and scant resources may have more violent alt-right groups biting off more than they can chew. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Election Night 2020: Trump Figures He’ll Go To Bed Early And Check Election Results Tomorrow
November 04, 2020 02:00 - 2 minutesStay tuned to OPR for more live 2020 election coverage throughout the night. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Election Night 2020: Nation Already Too Drunk To Follow Election Results
November 04, 2020 00:00 - 2 minutesStay tuned to OPR for more live 2020 Election coverage throughout the night. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Election Night 2020: Middle School Basketball Team Told To Play Around Voters
November 03, 2020 21:00 - 2 minutesStay tuned to OPR for more live 2020 election coverage throughout the night. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Disgusted Election Officials Unable To Count Over 5 Million Ballots That Were Clearly Used As Napkins
November 03, 2020 10:00 - 8 minutesHear why these unmistakably nasty ballots that were used to either wipe off a voter’s face or clean up a spill could affect tonight’s election outcome. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Michigan Hopes To Increase Voter Turnout By Making It Legal To Cast Ballot By Stepping Outside And Shouting Candidate’s Name
November 02, 2020 10:00 - 10 minutesPlus, we’ll sit down with OPR’s immortal election expert who has only predicted 12 of 58 presidential elections correctly, but we still give him some air time every four years anyway. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out
October 30, 2020 09:00 - 11 minutesA pro-Trump voter from rural Missouri. A young, die-hard Democrat from Boston. Can they put their difference aside, and prove that there is more that unites us than divides us? We’ll find out as soon as we unlock the door of the room they’ve been sealed inside of for the last week. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly
October 29, 2020 09:00 - 9 minutesAnd later, we explain how to properly fill out your mail-in ballot just in case you’re too fucking stupid to figure it out yourself. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
American Populace Worried They’re Not Likeable Enough To Attract Good Candidate For President
October 28, 2020 09:00 - 9 minutesHear why the American populace has never been lucky in leadership, and is now beginning to wonder if they’re the reason they’ve never been able to settle down with someone who’s truly the electable type. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Election Experts Worry Record Voter Turnout Could Make Nation Look Like A Bunch Of Dorks
October 27, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesHear why the high volume of voters in 2020 could pose a massive problem by making our country look like a bunch of pencil-pushing poindexters. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Frustrated Political Scientist Patton Oswalt Attempts To Explain Gerrymandering Without Help Of Visual Aids
October 26, 2020 09:00 - 10 minutesOPR election expert Patton Oswalt attempts to explain the controversial practice, but this time on a podcast. Will he be able to show voters how gerrymandering affects their ballot without using any of his usual charts or maps? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator
October 23, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear why even the strictest protocols may not be enough to prevent the spread of The J-Dog with a case full of brewskis. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End
October 22, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesHear why many Christian pro-life groups are celebrating what they believe could be the judicial power needed to stop pap smears and HPV tests for good. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
High Crime Rate Leading More Inmates To Consider Moving Out Of Prison
October 21, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear where the nation’s incarcerated plan to flee in order to start a safer, quieter life. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Report: Friends Don’t Really Think Of You As Part Of Group
October 20, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesHear why the people you thought you were closest with actually don’t feel similarly at all. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
CDC Reclassifies Majority Of Covid-19 Deaths To Being Personally Murdered By Barack Obama
October 19, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesHear why top health officials now believe most of the 200,000 fatalities in the U.S. can be attributed to violent underlying conditions brought on by our nation’s 44th president. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
L’Oréal Introduces New Smudge-Proof Lipstick Able To Withstand Getting Hit By Bus
October 16, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesL’Oréal’s new FaceSmash collection guarantees not to blotch or smear even after you’ve been pancaked by a 20-ton bus hauling ass down the highway. But is it too good to be true? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk
October 15, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear why increased exposure to highfalutin books in fancy-type settings could cause you to get a little too big for your own britches. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Finland Ended Homelessness: Why Trying To Show Us Up Like That Comes Off As Insecure
October 14, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesBecause, like, we could totally end it tomorrow if we also wanted to be a bunch of tryhard suck-ups like Finland. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Report: Amtrak Loses $100 Million Annually To Route Interruptions Caused By Mustachioed Villains Tying Kidnapped Damsels To Railroad Tracks
October 13, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesFind out how often your local route is disrupted by train conductors unwittingly barreling over screaming lassies as they wave their dainty handkerchiefs in the air for help. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
New Paternity Leave Policy Would Allow Fathers To Take Off Work If They Need To Appear On ‘Maury’
October 12, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesThe progressive new policy grants potential fathers eight days to fly out to a taping of the popular daytime talk show so they can determine if they are off the hook for the next 18 years or if their old side piece is trying to trap them out of revenge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Report: Kangaroo At Petting Zoo Can’t Be Good
October 09, 2020 09:00 - 6 minutesOh yeah, that’s definitely not good. We have the latest on this marsupial that could only have been acquired through some particularly sketchy means. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day
October 08, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesHear how Democratic officials are looking to lure snuggled voters out of their beds and to the polls this fall. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Piece Of Shit From Nearby Town Marries Bitch From High School
October 07, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesLike, for real. We have the latest on how these two dumbasses reconnected, and you’re not going to believe it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
NASA Discovers Evidence That Life Could Exist Outside America
October 06, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesCould there be potential lifeforms lurking in the mysterious void that lies beyond the U.S.? We have the latest on this monumental discovery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Small Town Ravished By Alejandro
October 05, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesWe have the latest on the hot-blooded heartthrob that made landfall two days ago, sweeping hundreds of men and women off their feet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Study: Pitbull Owners 10 Times More Likely To Bite Pedestrians Than Owners Of Other Dog Breeds
October 02, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesNew data today is backing up claims that pitbull owners, on average, tend to be more aggressive and territorial than owners of German shepherds or rottweilers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Local Residents Express Concern Over Homeless Shelter Being Built On Their Planet
October 01, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear why citizens across the globe are displeased with a local nonprofit’s plan to build a new homeless shelter in such close proximity to the planet’s many schools, homes, and parks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line
September 30, 2020 09:00 - 4 minutesHear why placing your hands on another person’s hips and swaying rhythmically, even for just a few beats of the drum, can be greatly beneficial for one’s mental health. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October
September 29, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesInitial timelines have estimated a Covid vaccine could be available by early 2021, but according to the White House, we may have something even sooner. Hear why the Trump administration believes they will have some kind of sharp thing to puncture your skin and inject you with before the election. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Disney World On Lockdown After Mickey Escapes Enclosure, Rampages Through Park
September 28, 2020 09:00 - 9 minutesHear what steps Disney workers are taking to keep parkgoers safe from the bloodthirsty beast. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit
September 25, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear what led researchers to conclude that the bird of prey is absolutely gaga for booger sugar. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value
September 24, 2020 09:00 - 9 minutesIt’s the simple and surefire way to increase the resale value of your home. We have everything you need to know before making the investment and adding the actor, director, and two-time Sexiest Man Alive. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards
September 23, 2020 13:14 - 9 minutesAfter ongoing public outcry from body positivity experts, hear why many popular napkin brands are changing their messaging today and proclaiming that gravy-stained bodies are beautiful. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine
September 22, 2020 09:00 - 10 minutesPart blizzard, part hurricane, part tornado—all destruction. We have the latest on this unprecedented tsunami-hailstorm combination and why many experts believe it could be caused by the villainous Professor Vile and his weather-destabilizing machine. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers
September 21, 2020 09:00 - 9 minutesHear why many young professionals saddled with student loan debt are struggling to afford basic necessities, like early access to episodes and exclusive content, despite it being priced as low as $5 per month. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want
September 18, 2020 09:00 - 9 minutesHear the heartwarming story of Troop 242, and why this year they decided to put their Girl Scout cookie proceeds to good use and buy a 2020 Corvette Stingray with a 6-liter V8 engine and 400-plus horsepower. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation
September 17, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesOn the anniversary of the signing of our nation’s Constitution, hear how the newly authenticated diary entries of Ben Franklin point to his revolutionary theory that electricity could be harnessed from lightning and trained to flow from the clouds to his erect penis, providing immense pleasure. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal
September 16, 2020 12:51 - 9 minutesAmericans stand united today in their call for television programs to go back to the days when all episodes began with a catchy tune and lyrics that explained the entire concept of the show and its characters. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape
September 15, 2020 09:00 - 6 minutesHear why the NRA believes Bugs Bunny’s long history of curtailing the Second Amendment rights of Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam by twisting their firearms in a big bow qualifies the cartoon rabbit for their lowest possible rating. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices