The Topical
258 episodes - English - Latest episode: almost 3 years ago - ★★★★★ - 1.4K ratingsThe Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.
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Episodes
The Final Episode Of The Topical
May 20, 2021 09:00 - 15 minutesLeslie Price returns from a months-long investigation to serve as host of America’s only daily news podcast one last time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce
February 05, 2021 10:00 - 9 minutesHear why PETA is coming to the defense of these over-bread monstrosities that exist for the sole purpose of having fresh tomato paste extracted from their many teat-like protuberances. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird
February 04, 2021 10:00 - 8 minutesIt looks dirty, and it’s doing a weird thing with its wings. Hear why it would be best if you just didn’t go near it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees
February 03, 2021 10:00 - 9 minutesHear why these arborists believe that if the fruit’s on the ground, it’s ready to pound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted
February 02, 2021 10:00 - 9 minutesPlus, from royalty to recluse, we’ll sit down with a former prom king who now lives anonymously among the commoners. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God
February 01, 2021 10:00 - 8 minutesIt’s an awe-inspiring scientific advancement, but is it ethical? Hear why critics say these geneticists shouldn’t be playing God on God by making God. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command
January 29, 2021 10:00 - 8 minutesHear why, when they snap their fingers, you will make the sound a donkey makes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan
January 28, 2021 10:00 - 8 minutesHear why authorities now believe the suspect stalked the 4-year-old buck for several hours before shooting him in the chest. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’
January 27, 2021 10:00 - 8 minutesHear why scrambling DHS officials are calling the missing folder “no big deal,” but they would really like to find it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids
January 26, 2021 10:00 - 9 minutesAnd they weren’t even playing with it right. Hear why these dead children apparently thought it would be a good idea to ruin the fun for everyone else. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters
January 25, 2021 10:00 - 8 minutesHear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of their skulls and incinerate their bodies instantly. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law
January 22, 2021 10:00 - 8 minutesWe have everything you need to know ahead of this weekend’s big legal battle. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden
January 21, 2021 10:00 - 8 minutesHear why authorities are now questioning how this 10 to 15 mph gust was able to get so close to the 78-year-old president in the first place. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club
January 20, 2021 10:00 - 8 minutesFor the first time since 2016, the U.S. will join over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed businesswoman-slash-model-slash-singer-slash-actress. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
New Erectile Dysfunction Startup Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse
January 19, 2021 10:00 - 6 minutesIt’s called Inuus, and it promises to keep your partner sexually satisfied by sending a discreet, medically certified sex god straight to your home. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant
January 18, 2021 10:00 - 7 minutesHear why millions of Americans remain concerned that taking the vaccine could shrink them down to a size so small they would need to fight off mice with a toothpick. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal
January 15, 2021 10:00 - 6 minutesHear why consumer advocates are warning that falling for this blatant con job could end up costing you hundreds in food and toys, as well as hours of your valuable free time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue
January 14, 2021 10:00 - 9 minutesHear why detectives believe it could be the work of a serial killer. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second
January 13, 2021 10:00 - 6 minutesHear why 9 out of every 10 children go missing as soon as a mother or father chooses to focus on something that isn’t about their kids, like eating or showering or briefly sitting in a chair for the first time all day. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines
January 12, 2021 10:00 - 7 minutesNearly 2.3 million Americans die each year from wandering into the ethereal black pine forest. Hear how you can heed the warnings of grizzled woodsmen and lonely widowers to keep from succumbing to alluring calls from beyond the trees. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Government Lobbyists Call For Members Of Congress To Play A Little Harder To Get
January 11, 2021 10:00 - 7 minutesHear why lobbyists across many industries are growing concerned with just how easy it’s becoming to undermine the American public. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something-Anti-Something Clash
January 08, 2021 10:00 - 7 minutesHear how public demonstration and counter-demonstrations have been sparked by renewed vows from pro-something leaders to get the thing they want, which is the complete opposite thing that anti-something leaders want. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
New Food Safety Law Requires Restaurant Workers To Take Full Bubble Bath After Using Restroom
January 07, 2021 10:00 - 7 minutesHear why health officials are recommending that anyone who works with food take a good 30 to 45 minutes to soak their body in a warm and fragrant bath anytime they use the restroom. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Northwestern Hospital Apologizes After Accidentally Switching Couple’s Baby With Random Man In Emergency Room
January 06, 2021 10:00 - 7 minutesHear the unbelievable story of a couple who thought they were leaving the hospital with their newborn baby, only to find out years later that they had actually been sent home with a 63-year-old man named Jeff. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname
January 05, 2021 10:00 - 5 minutesHear why police believe this psychopath may be trying a little too hard to claim the moniker. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Congress Swoons Over Newly Elected Bad Boy Who Believes Amendments Were Made To Be Broken
January 04, 2021 10:00 - 8 minutesHear why members across the legislative branch are going gaga over the newest congressman representing the wrong side of the tracks in North Carolina’s 16th district. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Santa Claus: ‘Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!’
December 24, 2020 10:00 - 10 minutesOn this special Christmas Eve episode of The Topical, Leslie is joined from the North Pole by Jolly Old Saint Nicholas himself who has a very special and very important message for all of his favorite little rubbers and tuggers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Astronomers Say December 24th Will Be Best Chance To See Santa Until 2021
December 23, 2020 10:00 - 8 minutesGet your telescope ready for the celestial event that only happens once every 10 months. We have the latest on how to best get a glimpse of the jolly old fellow barreling through the sky for yourself. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Report Finds Majority Of Business Leaders Visited By 3 Spirits Make No Changes To Lifestyle
December 22, 2020 10:00 - 8 minutesHear why many CEOs believe ’tis might not be the season for becoming a better person. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day
December 21, 2020 10:00 - 8 minutesHear how this new productivity trend is helping Pope Francis get through his grueling advent schedule, and why it may be catching on all over Vatican City. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad
December 18, 2020 10:00 - 9 minutesPlus, what to get for your one cousin this year who’s obsessed with militias. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame
December 17, 2020 10:00 - 9 minutesHear why going back to a romanticized version of your past could put you at increased risk of having your heart broken yet again by an ex-lover from your youth. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It
December 16, 2020 10:00 - 8 minutesHear why your place in line for a vaccine will definitely be before any of those little peabrains because what’s the worst they can do? Go cry to their mommies? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List
December 15, 2020 10:00 - 7 minutesHear what mothers around the country are threatening to do if they do not receive a full and complete list this instant. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Nation Worried After Catholic Church Issues Really Vague Apology
December 14, 2020 10:00 - 8 minutesAmid unclear pleas of “Forgive us” and “God have mercy,” hear why experts have been left to speculate on what possible atrocity the Church could have committed this time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged More Than $25 To The Topical’s Patreon This Month
December 11, 2020 10:00 - 10 minutesSorry, but if you wanted to hear news relevant to your interests, or just the national landscape in general, then you should have been a little more generous toward our Patreon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals
December 10, 2020 10:00 - 8 minutesHear why Chicago officials are hopeful they’ll be able to effectively serve all citizens a frothy craft IPA in a chilled mug throughout the makeshift drinking establishments. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Former Presidents Named Barack Obama
December 09, 2020 10:00 - 7 minutesHear why former President Obama is also investing in a Ring camera for his front door and a fresh can of pepper spray. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud
December 08, 2020 10:00 - 8 minutesHear why the Georgia governor is hopeful this herd of swine will be able to detect something humans cannot. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt
December 07, 2020 10:00 - 9 minutesOPR joins His Holy Father in the most remote parts of Heaven to learn a little more about this time-honored tradition. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Baboon Couple Sues National Geographic For Distributing Private Sex Tape
December 04, 2020 10:00 - 6 minutesHear why a lawyer for the primates is arguing that by publishing the video, NatGeo has caused her clients irreparable harm. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside
December 03, 2020 10:00 - 7 minutesHear why you or a loved one could be at increased risk of being piloted by an extraterrestrial like a fleshy, human skin puppet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved
December 02, 2020 10:00 - 7 minutesHear why these gentle elders are adamant that their love for us all needs no reason, just as a sunrise need not a reason to be breathtaking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Inside The Sacred Temple Where ‘People’ Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Each Year
December 01, 2020 10:00 - 10 minutesFrom George Clooney to Michael B. Jordan, People magazine publishes this attention-grabbing feature every winter. But how do they do it? We’ll take a look inside the holy site where the coveted hunk is chosen each year. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Newly Uncovered DNA Evidence Frees Thousands Of Damned Souls From Hell
November 30, 2020 10:00 - 7 minutesHear how justice was finally served for those wrongfully accused of greed, glutony, and premarital sex. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger
November 26, 2020 10:00 - 8 minutesOn this special Thanksgiving Day episode, hear how your own tendency to overeat and your aversion to exercise could stem all the way back to one 327-pound Plymouth Colony settler named Jeremiah Alden. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving
November 25, 2020 10:00 - 8 minutesHear why some animal activists are asking people to consider giving one of the thousands of lonely turkeys trapped in an animal shelter a nice, warm forever home this Thanksgiving. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy
November 24, 2020 10:00 - 7 minutesHear why members of the growing movement are calling cold weather nothing more than a leftist hoax made up to force Americans into thick down layers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit
November 23, 2020 10:00 - 9 minutesHear why Monsanto authorities are still struggling to apprehend the tomato due to it’s unusual size and strength. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Hormel CEO Dares Anyone To Try And Come For His Chili Empire
November 20, 2020 10:00 - 7 minutesHear why if you come for the crown of Hormel CEO Jim Snee, King of Chilli, you best not miss. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices