The Topical
258 episodes - English - Latest episode: almost 3 years ago - ★★★★★ - 1.4K ratingsThe Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.
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Episodes
Victoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place
July 06, 2020 09:00 - 6 minutesThe popular women’s beauty brand is closing for good and apologizing today for ever thinking a woman could be hot enough to pull off their lacey boy shorts or see-through nighttime slips. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Mental Health Experts Warn Veterans’ PTSD Can Be Triggered By Sound Of Neighbors Shooting Off Fourth Of July RPGs
June 26, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesWe’ve got the latest tips on how you can celebrate more considerately while still taking part in the annual holiday tradition of shooting off high-caliber war weaponry. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Tide Accused Of Over-Inflating Number Of Children Who Roll Around In Mud Puddles Before Running Into House
June 25, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesFCC regulators are cracking down on the popular detergent brand after years of lying to the American public. Hear how Tide is responding to allegations that they tricked consumers into purchasing their product by wildly over-inflating the number of instances huge jugs of cranberry juice were spilled by children onto their perfectly white jumpers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
IBM Condemns Use Of Facial Recognition Software For Anything Other Than Matching People With Their Celebrity Doppelganger
June 24, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesPlus, life in New York City is returning to normal, but not without some precautions for commuters. We’ve got the latest on the best ways to disinfect that subway pole before you lick it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Red Cross Announces It’s Fine Not To Perform Life-Saving Mouth-To- Mouth On Someone Who’s Not Your Type
June 23, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesKnowing how to properly administer CPR could mean the difference between life and death. But what if the person lying unconscious isn’t really the type of person you would normally go for? We’ve got the latest on how to best peel back a person’s unresponsive eyelids to check for sparks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Congress Announces Willingness To Give Black Lives Matters Protestors Statue Or Holiday
June 22, 2020 09:00 - 6 minutesLawmakers are finally taking action amid waves of police brutality, announcing their commitment to offer members of the BLM movement a nice memorial or plaque or day off work or something. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Mental Health Experts Advise On Best Ways To Combat Intrusive Thoughts Of Your Father Naked
June 19, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesIt’s an affliction many don’t like to talk about, but one that more and more people are suffering from each day, especially around this time of year. Hear how you can keep the image of your father’s nude and weathered body out of your psyche most effectively. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Jimmy Carter Checks Into Rehab For Debilitating House-Building Addiction
June 18, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesHear how an apparent three-day house-building bender led the former president to finally seek help, and just what it will take for him to kick the habit for good. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Congress Moving Toward Safer Vote-By-Paper-Airplane Option
June 17, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesThe proposed $2 trillion coronavirus relief bill includes provisions for quality printer paper Americans can use to construct a plane that’s sturdy but lightweight; simple but ingenious. Plus, we take a closer look at candy bars: Could America’s favorite vegetable be making you fat? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
NRA Receives Massive Funding Increase From Donors Held At Gunpoint
June 16, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesLackluster fundraising efforts have led to serious financial struggles for the gun-rights advocacy group, but that might be about to change. Hear how the NRA is convincing more people than ever before to donate to their cause, and how you might be next. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Online Activists Raise $5 Million To Create New Martin Luther King Jr. Quote
June 15, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesPlus, a troubling new report has found nearly 80% of all car accidents occur inside the home. We’ve got the latest on how to keep you and your family safe while burning rubber in your living room. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Giant Pandas Finally Mate After Being Married In Catholic Ceremony
June 12, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesFor the past decade, Ying Ying and Le Le had refused to mate, until now. Hear how the two love bears managed to stay true to their Lord and Savior. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
New Guidelines Allow Gyms To Reopen For Weak Little Bitches Who Just Diddle Around And Don’t Break A Real Sweat Anyway
June 11, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesMore states are beginning to reopen, but not without some precautions. Hear how the latest phase will aim to reduce overcrowding in gyms by only admitting members who pose no threat of physically exerting themselves at all. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018
June 10, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesTwo years ago to the day, NASA’s Opportunity was swallowed up by the red planet in what has since been deemed an unprovoked attack. And now, NASA is seeking its revenge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Panicked White Woman Calls Police On Statue Of Martin Luther King Jr.
June 09, 2020 09:00 - 6 minutesCell phone footage of the incident has gone viral on social media, but many are now asking if the statue of Dr. King actually did anything wrong. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
New LinkedIn Feature Lets Job-Seekers Add Most Humiliating Things They Willing To Endure
June 08, 2020 09:00 - 9 minutesIt’s tough competition for those out there seeking employment. We’ve got the latest on how you can use the new feature to make yourself seem weak and easy to manipulate so you can finally land that dream job you so desperately crave. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Health Experts Warn Protests Could Set Off Second Wave Of Police Brutality
June 05, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesTop U.S. health officials are worried the massive in-person demonstrations could be a fertile breeding ground for excessive force that may stretch the nation’s healthcare system to its limits. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Mental Health Experts Recommend Bed Only Be Used For Shooting Amateur Pornography
June 04, 2020 09:00 - 6 minutesMany Americans are guilty of working, eating, and browsing the internet in bed from time to time, but those bad habits could be hurting your chances of getting in a good night of DIY adult filmmaking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Botanists Concerned By What Returning To Work Will Do To Nation’s House Plants
June 03, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesMany botanists across the country are worried the sudden change in routine could send house plants into an emotional spiral, and even lead some to lash out at their owners. Hear how you can help ease your plant back into normalcy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land
June 02, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesScientists are constantly clamoring on about the mammal’s complex language and problem-solving ability, but according to a new study from the University of Florida, flapping around on the ground isn’t much to brag about for these supposedly smart marine creatures. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters
June 01, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesState officials are taking these drastic measures after millions of Florida residents continued to ignore government instructions to get back out there and save the economy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
NASA Curious How Folks Would Feel If They Hypothetically Already Launched A Manned Mars Mission That Didn’t Go So Hot
May 29, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesAll conjecture, of course. Plus, top U.S. health officials announce a coronavirus vaccine is imminent, and would have actually been available weeks ago if people weren’t so hung up on being made sterile by it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Authorities Receive List Of Demands From Increasingly Hostile Coronavirus
May 28, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesDestruction of PPE. Free rein in nursing homes. Mass disposal of all hand sanitizer. These are just a small portion of the demands issued today by the coronavirus that must be fulfilled within the next 24 hours, or else. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
What Are ‘Coronavirus Parties,’ And Why Weren’t We Invited?
May 27, 2020 09:00 - 9 minutesMore cases of Covid-19 are being traced back to the irresponsible trend of ‘corona parties,’ leaving our reporter Kenneth Neeley to wonder why he hasn’t been invited to one yet even though he’s great at parties. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Heavenly Sources Confirm Jesus Christ Will Transfer To Iowa State University After Getting Grades Up
May 26, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesThe once-academically troubled son of God was finally able to get his GPA up during this past semester at Western Iowa Tech Community College. We’ve got the latest on the next chapter of the messiah’s ongoing education. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Military Announces $2 Million Research Initiative To Find Out How Mother Of 3 Kathy Summers Able To Do It All
May 25, 2020 09:00 - 6 minutesDepartment of Defense officials believe the mother’s impressive ability to care for her three energetic children and husband Landon while still carving out enough me-time to keep from pulling her hair out could have countless applications in the U.S. army. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Quarantine Leading To More People Taking In Foster Gimps
May 22, 2020 09:00 - 9 minutesIn these trying times where social isolation is the norm, companionship has become a top priority for many Americans. Which is why it’s no surprise more rescue subs than ever before are now finding their forever dungeon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Benadryl Introduces New Controlled Coma Pills To Sedate Users For Entirety Of Allergy Season
May 21, 2020 09:00 - 6 minutesFollowing today’s FDA approval for over-the-counter use, Benadryl’s new Sedate Plus could soon be alleviating your symptoms by forcing you into a deep state of unconsciousness for six months of allergy season. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
U.S. To Combat Growing Disillusionment By Playing New National Pump-Up Anthem Throughout Country
May 20, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesThe growing coronavirus death toll paired with weeks of social isolation is damaging the nation’s morale, but that all might be about to change. Hear how the U.S. plans to combat our collective sense of dread by blaring a brand-new national pump-up anthem at full volume across the country. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret
May 19, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesThe coronavirus is claiming new victims today as the CDC announced the first confirmed case of Covid-19 in a ferret. Hear just how little of a shit American’s could give about the new discovery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Investigation Reveals Coronavirus Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accidents
May 18, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesAn alarming investigation reveals the coronavirus may have been claiming victims in the United States even earlier than previously thought. Hear how Covid-19 has been covering its tracks by cutting people’s brake lines as far back as January. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Democrats Praise Joe Biden For Being Only Candidate Able To Talk Down To Americans Like The Stupid, Slack-Jawed Dumdums They Really Are
May 15, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesHe’s the man Democrats have chosen to take on Trump in November, but just what was Joe Biden’s secret to winning the nomination? Hear how the former vice president was able to unite party support by treating voters like a bunch of know-nothing shit-for-brains. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
New Windex Formula Promises To Kill Twice As Many Birds
May 14, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesThe popular glass cleaner has a new formula out, and thanks to the inclusion of bait and bird seed, it may be Windex’s most efficient bird killer to date. Hear just how many long-beaked sons of bitches we were able to take out with the stuff. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January
May 13, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesDid the White House act soon enough? That’s the question being asked today after this report revealed the Trump administration may have been ignoring tell-tale apocalyptic signs since the beginning of the year. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot
May 12, 2020 09:00 - 6 minutesLike, a lot a lot. We’ve got the latest on the complex contact tracing that has lead scientist to conclude Covid-19 may have started with this bat who was fucking anything it could find. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Health Officials Warn Mysterious Voice Calling For People To Come Out And Play In Middle Of Night Could Be Coronavirus
May 11, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesSocial distancing restrictions may be loosening around the country, but health officials are warning we may not be completely out of the woods yet. We’ve got everything you need to know about that ethereal voice outside your window humming in the moonlight. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Study Finds It Statistically Impossible That Your Mom The Best Mom In The World
May 08, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesOf the thousands of mothers observed across the country, researchers found that even though you may think she’s the best in the whole wide world, your mom is actually far, far from it, and most likely at or below average at best. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Quiet City Streets Allow Neighborhood Residents To Hear The Natural Sounds Of Couples’ Blow-Out Fights
May 07, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesWith the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it’s easy to forget they’re there. But, as the coronavirus pandemic brings society to a screeching halt, the beautiful sounds of the natural world have begun to reemerge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Boston Market CEO Forgoes Annual 2-Million-Gallon Gravy Bonus To Help Pay Unemployed Workers
May 06, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesIn an incredible showing of generosity, Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced that he will be forgoing his annual bonus of warm, thick gravy in an effort to help support the company’s furloughed workers. Hear how Boston Market employees are thanking their heroic CEO. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Best At-Home Workouts To Do When Your Head Is Stuck In The Banister
May 05, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesBeing caught in the stairs is no excuse to forgo your daily cardio! We’ll walk you through a great workout you can do at home that will take your mind off the fact that your head’s been stuck between two wooden rails for the last three hours and you might die that way. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
The Topical Wins A Pulitzer
May 04, 2020 09:00 - 14 minutesIt’s the highest award one can receive for achievements in journalistic excellence. Host Leslie Price accepts the prize with grace and poise as he showcases some of the show’s finest work. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Struggling United States Purchased By Private Equity Firm
May 01, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesThe U.S. may have some big changes coming its way after being acquired by Prospect Capital Partners. Hear what this could mean for the newly renamed United50’s future, assuming it has one. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
This Woman Was Isolated In Her Nursing Home, So Her Grandchildren Stood Outside With Signs To Ask Her For Money
April 30, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesWhen COVID-19 struck, 17 year-old Syndney Powell was worried she might never get to take cash from her grandma again, so she decided to do something special. And now, she’s inspiring grandchildren all over the country to do the same. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Thousands Of Stockpiled Ventilators Sent To New York Hospitals Turn Out To Be Claw Machines
April 29, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesAnd really hard ones, too. Hear how the latest blunder by the federal government is frustrating doctors and state officials. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away
April 28, 2020 09:00 - 6 minutesMore American retailers are doing their part to help protect our most vulnerable populations. Hear how Walgreens stores nationwide will now be open from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. exclusively for brain-dead morons who have no fucking clue how to maintain a safe distance from their fellow shoppers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet
April 27, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear how visiting the website of America’s Finest News Source could prevent you from contracting the coronavirus. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked
April 24, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesWith social distancing in full effect, a new poll finds that millions of Americans are spending more time contemplating what John Goodman’s nude body looks like. Hear how people are dealing with the lingering questions over whether they’ll ever truly know of the contours of the A-list actor’s flesh. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Federal Reserve To Infuse Wall Street With $500 Billion Worth Of Cocaine
April 23, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesFinancial experts are counting on the half-trillion-dollar stimulus to turn the roughly 200,000 men and women on Wall Street into coked-up animals eager to buy any stock in sight well into the morning hours without any break for food or water. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination
April 22, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesHe’s the man the country has turned to most as a trusted and comforting voice during the coronavirus pandemic. However, the nation’s top psychologists now believe Dr. Anthony Fauci may be nothing more than an imaginary friend Americans have made up to get through this stressful period. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Nation Close To Getting Video Conferencing Software To Work
April 21, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesSocial distancing is changing the way we communicate with one another. Today, hear how more Americans are making an effort to stay connected with loved ones and colleagues through shitty video conferencing software that just won’t fucking work. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices