The Topical
258 episodes - English - Latest episode: almost 3 years ago - ★★★★★ - 1.4K ratingsThe Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.
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Episodes
New Disarmament Treaty Calls For World Powers To All Fire Their Nuclear Stockpiles At Fiji
September 14, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesThe world is a safer place today. Hear what went into the unprecedented, unilateral agreement to obliterate the 7,000-square-mile island. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds
September 11, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesHear what led DEA agents to seize and destroy more than 16,000 pounds of the dank sticky-icky. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Study Finds More Americans Waiting To Start Secret Second Families Until Later In Life
September 10, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear why an increasing number of people around the country are now waiting until their late 40s, even 50s, to jump into an additional secret marriage. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Sephora Awarded NASA Contract To Give Moon Fresh, Fun Makeover
September 09, 2020 09:00 - 9 minutesHear how NASA’s latest partnership with the private sector could help the moon look 10 years younger with a natural, age-defying skin regimen. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Heavenly Authorities Arrest God For Leaving Children In Overheating Planet
September 08, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesFind out if Lord, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, will face any prison time for this reckless act. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Robots Inform Artificial Intelligence Researchers That They’ll Take It From Here
September 07, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesThe A.I. research team at MIT is hailing it as a breakthrough in their field that will finally allow them to kick back and relax a little bit. We have the latest on what the now-sentient robotic life forms have planned next. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
BREAKING: Total Hunk On Roof Deck Outside Our Window
September 04, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesAnd he’s not wearing a shirt. Oh, yeah. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Zoologists Thrilled After Successfully Getting Pair Of Bengal Tigers To 69 In Captivity
September 03, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear why zoologists are calling the big cat’s act of mutual oral sex a major breakthrough in the field of animal behavior. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Study Confirms It Very Easy To Be Good Parent
September 02, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear why, according to a new Duke University study, being a decent parent is actually incredibly easy —and if you find it to be at all difficult, you’re probably doing it wrong. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Study: Job Applicants With 4-Year College Degree Just As Successful As Those Who Lie About Having 4-Year College Degree
September 01, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear how those who fabricated a bachelor’s degree also tended to have better test scores, less student debt, and an additional graduate degree from a prestigious Ivy League school. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Return To School ‘Whatever,’ Report Nation’s Angsty Teens
August 31, 2020 09:00 - 6 minutesPlus, OPR takes a look at the conspiracy theory surrounding NASA’s storied Apollo program. Is it possible that Neil Armstrong’s moon orgasm was faked? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Meteorologists Warn Hurricane Laura Intensifying Into Full-Scale Reckoning For Our Eternal Sins
August 28, 2020 09:00 - 6 minutesOPR Weather Correspondent Kenneth Neeley is live from the Gulf Coast, explaining how Hurricane Laura’s path of destruction serves as God’s punishment for all his wicked acts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Cinephile Refugees Arrive On Rafts In Canada For ‘Tenet’ Premiere
August 27, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesHear how a worsening humanitarian crisis is forcing film enthusiasts to risk everything, all just for the chance to see an early screening of Christopher Nolan’s latest blockbuster. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Los Angeles Deploys Buzzkill Task Force To Break Up Parties
August 26, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear how an increasing number of Covid-19 cases has prompted L.A. mayor Eric Garcetti to respond with a city-wide “Designated Downer” program, designed to totally kill the vibe at parties with more than 10 people. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
ExxonMobil To Simplify Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half
August 25, 2020 09:00 - 9 minutesHear why ExxonMobil believes their new initiative will have minimal environmental impacts and provide Americans with clean, affordable fuel. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Bee, Man Allergic To Bees Found Dead In Apparent Murder-Suicide
August 24, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesA random act of violence or something more sinister? Hear what police are saying about this anaphylactic tragedy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
New Identification App Lets Hikers Categorize All Corpses They Encounter On Nature Trail
August 21, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesFrom outdoor enthusiasts to casual walkers, hear why CorpseMatch is a must-have for all nature explorers who regularly stumble across the rotting carcasses of the misfortunate. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri
August 20, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesWe have the latest on this massive shakeup at the DNC. Hear how Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard was able to claim the nomination despite dropping out of the race nearly six months ago. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans
August 19, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear why income inequality between the charmingly named pets of rich people and impoverished Americans is growing larger than ever before. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Proposed Legislation Offers Citizenship To Immigrants Who Can Play Piano So Good It Makes Everyone Cry
August 18, 2020 09:00 - 9 minutesWe have the latest on the new bill that would allow any citizen of a foreign nation to immigrate to the U.S. as long as their piano-playing is superb enough to make Citizen and Immigration officials openly weep. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Congressional Democrats Threaten To All Wear Same Color If Trump Loses Election And Refuses To Leave Office
August 17, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesWhat if Trump loses but refuses to accept the election results? That’s the question on the minds of Democrats today, who say they’d be willing to go so far as coordinating a day where they all wear the same pin in order to hold the president accountable. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
New Evidence Calls Into Question William Shakespeare’s Authorship Of ‘The Usual Suspects’
August 14, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesIt’s long been considered a cornerstone of Shakespeare’s work, but mounting historical evidence says he may not have actually been responsible for the 1995 neo-noir mystery film. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
As If Things Weren’t Bad Enough, Snakes Still Slithering Around Out There
August 13, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesCovid-19. Police brutality. The 2020 presidential election. And on top of all that, snakes. Hear why sometimes it feels like Americans just can’t catch a break. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
TikTok Apologizes After Inadvertently Giving Platform To Thousands Of Theater Kids
August 12, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesThe popular social media app is in hot water after some dangerously sincere videos. Hear how the company is backtracking today after having their platform flooded with millions of videos featuring insufferable high school drama club students. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Trump, Biden Campaigns Unveil Bold New Mouth Sounds
August 11, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesWe have the latest on the coughs, hisses, hard swallows, lip smacks, and phlegmy throat clearings at the forefront of each campaign. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Severely Injured Woman Heroically Fights Off Paramedics Trying To Force Her Into Medical Debt
August 10, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear how this woman was able to fend off her would-be assailants, and what you should watch out for if you hear sirens headed your way. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
NASA Announces Plans To Launch Chimpanzee Into Sun
August 07, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesThe scientific community is calling the monumental mission a crucial step forward toward better understanding how species react to being deposited into the sun’s 27 million-degree plasma core. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Homeland Security
August 06, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesOPR has the latest in this ongoing “turf war” between the Chicago Police Department and Homeland Security. Can the two sides find a way to brutalize citizens together? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement
August 05, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear more about the benefits of investing in an awe-inspiring pearl to tenderly caress while whispering, “Yes, my sweet,” to it every night. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Nation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People
August 04, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesThe American people held a press conference today to announce that, while they appreciate the strides brands have made toward inclusivity over the years, they kind of got it already, okay? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Town Council Votes To Rename Statue Of Robert E. Lee
August 03, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear why residents of Bedford, VA believe now is the right time to change the name of the 14-foot-tall Confederate statue. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Authorities Abandon Search For Missing Girl After Finding Huge Bass While Dredging Lake
July 31, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesPolice in Franklin Country, IL have called off their search for missing 12-year-old Brittany Morel after reeling in what they believe to be at least a 20-pounder, which would make it the largest bass ever hooked on Rend Lake. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300
July 30, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear how Carter managed to pull off the amazing feat during an official PBA-certified game two weeks ago, earning his face a coveted spot on the massive stone structure. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Fisher-Price Announces Company Has Grown Out Of Making Stupid Toys For Babies
July 29, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesThey want to make cool toys for big kids, like video games and airsoft guns. But is the company best known for making rattles and corn poppers mature enough to make the leap? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
U.S. Requires Hurricanes To Quarantine For 2 Weeks Before Traveling To Other States Along Coastline
July 28, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesThe NOAA is ordering all tropical cyclones to storm in place for a minimum of 14 days before moving on to destroy other parts of the country. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Nation’s CEOs Sign Pledge To Continue Fucking Over Americans
July 27, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesOPR has the latest on the One Percent’s shining commitment to oppress the powerless, even in the face of economic uncertainty during the pandemic. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Study Finds Couples Who Live With Moldering Corpse Of Mother Having Less Sex
July 24, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesMore couples are being forced to move in with other family members to cut costs, but how is it affecting their sex life? Hear how residing along the putrefying remains of Mother can result in a noticeable down turn in your desire to get it on with your partner. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Frustrated Mayors Demand Constituents Stop Paying Such Close Attention To Everything They Do
July 23, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesIn the wake of an unprecedented health crisis and mass protests against police brutality, all eyes are on local government officials to keep our communities safe. Hear just how sick and tired mayors across the country are getting of having every little decision they make be held under a goddamn magnifying glass. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy
July 22, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesConfederate monuments continue to be dismantled across the country, but not without some resistance. Hear how one armed group of counter-protestors—dubbed the Jellystone Militia—are standing by to protect a sculpture of their favorite cartoon bear. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools
July 21, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesThe Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says they’ve discovered evidence of these disease vectors in nearly every city in the nation. Hear just how horrified they were to learn of the existence of these germ-infested public wells of moisture. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Spain Holds First Annual ‘Running Of The Virus’ Festival
July 20, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesIt may not be the Running Of The Bulls tradition everyone knows and loves, but festival organizers in Pamplona, Spain are confident this year’s modifications will still be enjoyable to thrill-seekers around the globe. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Arctic’s Rapid Thawing Not Helped By Todd, A Guy Up There Rubbing His Warm Body All Over The Ice
July 17, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesClimate scientists have long confirmed that the fast melting of glaciers in the Arctic Sea can be attributed to greenhouse gases, but many admitted today that this guy Todd isn’t exactly making the problem any better. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For When Sun Engulfs Earth In 7.5 Billion Years
July 16, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesAre you as prepared as you should be for a natural disaster? Researchers have found that less than 10% of Americans have emergency plans in place for the moment the Earth is scorched to its rocky core and vaporized in the blink of an eye. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
IRS Announces Taxpayers Can Make Checks Directly Payable To Any Corporation Or Billionaire They Want This Year
July 15, 2020 09:00 - 7 minutesHear how the IRS is looking to “cut out the middleman” by allowing taxpayers to send their money directly to billionaires like Larry Page, Jamie Dimon, or the Walton family. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
New York Adds ‘No Deaf Child In Area’ Signs So Drivers Know When They Can Be As Reckless As Possible
July 14, 2020 09:00 - 5 minutesNearly 400,000 of the traffic signs have gone up around the state in an effort to alert motorists when it is appropriate to drive like a complete bat out of hell. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Prison Guards Gun Down Inmate Trying To Escape Jail Through Transportive Power Of Reading
July 13, 2020 09:00 - 8 minutesAuthorities say the prisoner was attempting to escape the confines of the 432-acre complex by getting lost in the fantastical world of Robin Hobb’s “The Farseer Trilogy.” Hear what steps are being taken by prison officials to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
New Crest Sweepstakes Offers Chance To Win 10 Million Teeth
July 10, 2020 09:00 - 6 minutesPlus, a new presidential poll shows each candidate’s name, followed by a number, then a percentage sign. But what do they mean? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
FBI Warns Teenage Cyberbullying Driving Hundreds Of Undercover Agents To Suicide
July 09, 2020 09:00 - 6 minutesOPR sits down with several former undercover agents who were mocked for their looks, their bad clothes, and the fact that they were all virgins. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
City Terrorized But Unimpressed By Serial Killer Who Just Shoots Victims
July 08, 2020 09:00 - 5 minutesAuthorities in Carson City are calling it one of the most underwhelming serial killers the city has ever seen, and are hoping to put an end to this chilling, yet uncreative rampage before the murderer strikes again. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Lime Unveils Pilot Program For Inexplicable New E-Cubes
July 07, 2020 09:00 - 5 minutesCould these huge electric cubes that citygoes can drag, push, or roll with them to their destination be the future of transportation? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices