Speculative Grammarian Podcast
298 episodes - English - Latest episode: over 7 years ago - ★★★★★ - 11 ratingsSpeculative Grammarian—the premier scholarly journal featuring research in the neglected field of satirical linguistics—is now available as an arbitrarily irregular audio podcast. Our podcast includes readings of articles from our journal, the occasional musical number or dramatical piece, and our talk show, Language Made Difficult. Language Made Difficult is hosted by the SpecGram LingNerds, and features our signature linguistics quiz—Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics—along with some discussion of recent-ish linguistic news and whatever else amuses us. Outtakes are provided.
Homepage Apple Podcasts Google Podcasts Overcast Castro Pocket Casts RSS feed
Episodes
Dissection
September 20, 2011 13:15 - 34 seconds - 542 KBDissection; by Bryan Allen; From Volume CL, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, January 2005. — Dissection—extracted from the ether it lies... (Read by Bryan Allen.)
The Glottal Stop Word
September 20, 2011 13:15 - 3 minutes - 2.55 MBThe Glottal Stop Word; by So /ʔːː/ Confused; From Volume CLVIII, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, March 2010. — Dear Editors, I think I may have discovered an unexpected allomorph of the so-called “F-word”. I have a long-time friend—the sort with whom one may seem to share a psychic connection, able to complete each other’s sentences and speak volumes with the a flick of an eyebrow. We were discussing a mutual enemy when she said: “I wish he could get his /ʔːː/ act together.” (Read by Lee...
Veritas
September 10, 2011 13:00 - 40 seconds - 559 KBVeritas; by Pocus Pisces; From Volume XVI, Number 4, of Psammeticus Quarterly, August 1989. — Linguistic thought’s been full of folks/ Who’ve known the psych-real rules;/ Each one is sure that he is right/ And all the others—fools! (Read by Keith Slater.)
How Computers Can Do Fieldwork For You: A Case Study
September 10, 2011 13:00 - 7 minutes - 5.1 MBHow Computers Can Do Fieldwork For You: A Case Study; by Chit Fullah; From Volume CLVIII, Number 4, of Speculative Grammarian, April 2010. — So, as a very mature and worldly individual—I am 20 years old after all—I am continually surprised by the lack of sophistication among the older generations—y’know, from 30 on up. They seem to be oblivious to the most rudimentary facets of everyday life, like Twitter, Reddit, and Fark. I mean, these people grew up on this planet—not like in Africa or som...
Language Made Difficult, Vol. VII
August 19, 2011 12:00 - 32 minutes - 30.3 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. VII — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined by surprise guest Comptroller General Joey Whitford for Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, discuss stubborn speakers of a dying language and robot conlangers, enjoy more Words of Wisdom from Lady Fantod, and discuss the Slater Method with its creator.
To the Field Workers, to Make Much of Time
August 10, 2011 12:02 - 21 seconds - 335 KBTo the Field Workers, to Make Much of Time; by Earl Herrick; From Volume XVI, Number 4, of Psammeticus Quarterly, August 1989. — Gather ye data while ye may,/ Old Time is still a-flying./ Informants that can speak today/ Tomorrow will be dying. (Read by Keith Slater.)
Linguistics Manifesto
August 10, 2011 12:01 - 4 minutes - 3.27 MBLinguistics Manifesto; by Ling M. Anifesto; From Volume CLXI, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, March 2011. — Introduction to Linguistics Manifesto—There have been many linguistic manifestos over the course of the many centuries since man uttered his first schwa. But never, in the entire history of the universe, according to my private research, has there ever been a linguistics manifesto—that is, a manifesto on linguistics itself. (Read by David J. Peterson.)
How to Pay for Linguistic Fieldwork
August 10, 2011 12:00 - 3 minutes - 3.56 MBHow to Pay for Linguistic Fieldwork; by The SpecGram Editorial Board; From Volume CLVIII, Number 4, of Speculative Grammarian, April 2010. — The thing is is that fieldwork is expensive, and yet we have to somehow pay for it. Or we won’t get to do it. And really, heaven help the poor soul who can’t pay for a trip even to Tahiti, and has to try to come up with some topic on English syntax that hasn’t already been beaten like a dead metaphor. (Read by Trey Jones.)
Language Made Difficult, Vol. VI
July 21, 2011 02:40 - 29 minutes - 20.6 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. VI — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined by guest Devan Steiner for Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, discuss a Boston Accent Eradication Program and the suddenly uncertain future of the Oxford Comma, enjoy more Words of Wisdom from Lady Fantod, and answer tweets from fans.
The Uncanny Science of Linguistic Reconstruction
July 10, 2011 19:15 - 18 minutes - 45 MB VideoSpeculative Grammarian proudly re-presents “The Uncanny Science of Linguistic Reconstruction” by Timothy Pulju. Originally presented at TEDxDartmouth 2011. ©2011 TEDxDartmouth; licensed under the Creative Commons (CC BY-NC-ND 3.0).
Language Made Difficult, Vol. V
June 20, 2011 12:45 - 30 minutes - 21 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. V — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss just how wrong Chomsky is and whether phoneme inventories shrink with distance form Africa, and investigate more Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics. We also enjoy more Words of Wisdom from Lady Fantod and grill DJP on his experience creating the Dothraki language for HBO.
The Joy of Old and Odd Books
June 10, 2011 13:00 - 2 minutes - 2.19 MBThe Joy of Old and Odd Books; A Letter from the Managing Editor; From Volume CLVIII, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, February 2010. — As I was perusing my signed 1355 first edition copy of Jötunn Svartálfar’s Teach Yourself Gothic in Six Score Minutes per Fortnight, I was struck by the stark disparity between my personal and professional collections of books, as compared to the utter disregard for the written word displayed by the general American populace. Old books and odd books, musty ...
λ♥[love] (Linguistics Love Song)
June 04, 2011 19:00 - 3 minutes - 4.44 MBλ♥[love] (Linguistics Love Song); by Christine Collins; From Volume CLXII, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, June 2011. — let me have your heart and i will give you love / the denotation of my soul is the above / if there’s anything i lack, it’s you / as my double brackets, you make me mean things / i can’t say enough (Used with permission.)
Language Made Difficult, Vol. IV
May 20, 2011 12:45 - 33 minutes - 15.3 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. IV — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss the anatomical oddities of phoneticians, the fact that Big Brother may now be watching your every word, and more Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics. We also enjoy Words of Wisdom from Lady Fantod and discuss Twitter Feedback from “fans” of the show. Someone leaves the tape running too long, but power through it for an explosive musical bonus at the end of the episode.
Video: Linguistic Stand-Up Comedy from Gabe Olsen
May 10, 2011 14:28 - 3 minutes - 20.1 MB VideoLinguistic Stand-Up Comedy from Gabe Olsen
Survey of Linguistic Evidence of Meta-Consciousness in Tier-19 Terran Primates
April 22, 2011 17:20 - 24 minutes - 22.4 MBSurvey of Linguistic Evidence of Meta-Consciousness in Tier-19 Terran Primates; by Cëŏjpruustcrêrt êe Âgriüsturttâiy Fuördrêostsklanöukklėû Růŕskramnnuũrgciwä and Ëø Daerl stiic Uasŝăź swerz Ê; From Volume CLV, Number ζ of Speculative Grammarian, January 2009. — The following message arrived several months ago at the SpecGram main offices as a steganographic message encoded in the gift card attached to a Big Ol’ Bucket O’ Meat gift basket from Big Stu’s World of Taste—which had been the usual...
Language Made Difficult, Vol. III
April 15, 2011 13:22 - 29 minutes - 13.7 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. III — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss linguistic “thought experiments”, physicists modelling bilingual societies, a letter from a young proto-linguist concerning the word “lukewarm”, and Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics.
The Other Sino-Tibetan Languages
April 10, 2011 14:06 - 3 minutes - 1.56 MBThe Other Sino-Tibetan Languages; Book Announcement from Psammeticus Press; From Volume CLII, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, March 2007. — This volume fills in the considerable gaps left by Routledge’s slim 2003 volume The Sino-Tibetan Languages. Displaying an uncharacteristic lack of ambition, Thurgood and LaPolla treated, in that otherwise excellent work, less than 40 of the 400+ languages of this important family. Clearly, much work remained to be done, and we at Psammeticus Press hav...
Doing Fieldwork on Constructed Languages
April 10, 2011 14:05 - 6 minutes - 1.83 MBDoing Fieldwork on Constructed Languages; by Curtis U. Lehder; From Volume CLIX, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, May 2010. — As all linguists know, there are only about 6,000 languages left in the world today, and that number is shrinking rapidly. Constructed (or created or invented or planned) languages, on the other hand, number more than 128 trillion, according to conservative estimates, and more and more flower into existence each and every day. Though up to now, formal linguists (or,...
Language Made Difficult, Vol. II
March 20, 2011 13:22 - 28 minutes - 13 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. II — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss mammal individuality and population size, architectural linguistics, a letter from a young proto-linguist concerning Urban Dictionary; and Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics.
Language Made Difficult, Vol. I
March 10, 2011 13:00 - 34 minutes - 15.7 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. I — The SpecGram LingNerds discuss the Sapir Worf Hypothesis; “New” vs “Nyoo”; and a letter from a young proto-linguist concerning IBM’s Watson on Jeopardy. Plus Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics.
Nursery Rhymes From Linguistics Land
February 20, 2011 15:36 - 3 minutes - 3.06 MBNursery Rhymes From Linguistics Land; by Yune O. Hūū, II; From Collateral Descendant of Lingua Pranca, October 2009. — Continuing in the great tradition of Stepfather Goose, the following nursery rhymes are presented to ensure their preservation for future generations of young linguists. (Read by Peter iVox, Trey Jones, Rachel iVox, Ryan iVox, Heather iVox, Klaus iVox, Lucy iVox, and Graham iVox.)
An Iñupik Linguistic Fragment (or, the Last Grammarian)
February 20, 2011 15:35 - 7 minutes - 6.71 MBAn Iñupik Linguistic Fragment (or, the Last Grammarian); by Metalleus; From Lingua Pranca, June 1978. — The following fragment was found in a shoe box at Indiana University. It was translated by Metalleus with the help of a Phi Beta Kappa key. The author is unknown. (Read by Trey Jones.)
Regular Isomorphisms of Categorization in the Apathetic Informant
February 10, 2011 13:31 - 8 minutes - 7.81 MBRegular Isomorphisms of Categorization in the Apathetic Informant; by Angus Æ. Balderdash, Esq.; From Volume CXLIX, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, July 2004. — Unfortunately, it is often the case that when working with data sets containing particularly uncommon kinds of data, the number of qualified consultants available to provide native-speaker interpretations of the data is quite low. In such cases, it is often necessary to work with consultants who have one or more sub-optimal chara...
They Don’t Have a Word for It
February 10, 2011 13:30 - 1 minute - 1.61 MBThey Don’t Have a Word for It; Book Announcement from Psammeticus Press; From Volume CLVII, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, December 2009. — With the inexplicable success of pseudo-lexicons such as Howard Rheingold’s 2000 “They Have a Word for It: A Lighthearted Lexicon of Untranslatable Words and Phrases”, C. J. Moore’s 2004 “In Other Words: A Language Lover’s Guide to the Most Intriguing Words Around the World”, and Adam Jacot de Boinod’s 2005 “The Meaning of Tingo: And Other Extraordin...
The Oxford Comma: A Solution
January 20, 2011 13:02 - 1 minute - 1.78 MBThe Oxford Comma: A Solution; by Eliza Doolittle; From Volume CL, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, April 2005. — The Oxford Comma has once again raised its nasty little head in linguistic circles, thanks largely to the efforts of one Ms Truss and her book, Eats, Shoots and Leaves. It is time once and for all to put this little beast to rest. (No, not Ms Truss, you moron—the Oxford Comma). (Read by Rachel iVox.)
Twenty Special Forms of Rhetoric
January 20, 2011 13:01 - 5 minutes - 5.02 MBTwenty Special Forms of Rhetoric; by Dawn B. Seely; From Volume CXLVII, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, March 1993. — Rhetoric has been a topic of academic interest for, approximately, forever. Below are detailed a number of special types of rhetorical argument, some of which, for example, Proof by Impressiveness, have been observed since the time of Aristotle and before. Others, for example, Proof by Intimidation, have been clearly recognized only within the last century. Some of these,...
Ready! Fire! Aim!—A New Approach to Military Combat Using Language Science
January 10, 2011 13:00 - 6 minutes - 6.19 MBReady! Fire! Aim!—A New Approach to Military Combat Using Language Science; by François Achille Bazaine; From Volume CLVIII, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, March 2010. — One of the aims of any branch of scientific inquiry is to improve the lives of men. Surely the Science of Language is no different, and just as surely the lives of soldiers are among those most in need of improvement. The French military has had a long and varied history, with its share of both victory and defeat. There ...
An Introduction to Linguistics in Haiku Form
January 10, 2011 13:00 - 39 seconds - 687 KBAn Introduction to Linguistics in Haiku Form; by Anonymous; From Volume CLIX, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, September 2010. — linguistic theory / hidden representations / to surface structures (Read by Peter iVox.)
Towards a Perfect Definition of the Term “Sign”
December 20, 2010 13:00 - 3 minutes - 3.28 MBTowards a Perfect Definition of the Term “Sign”; by Louis Capet; From Volume I, Number 3 of Better Words and Morphemes, The Journal of the Linguistic Society of South-Central New Caledonia, May 1991. — Saussure defined the sign as the union of the signifier and the signified. Steinmetz emphasized the importance of the interactional element. Burma-Shave proposed that a sign could only be understood in the context of adjacent signs. Modern linguistics has elaborated the concept of the sign syst...
French Sues English
December 10, 2010 13:00 - 3 minutes - 3.42 MBFrench Sues English; by SpecGram Wire Services; From Volume CLIX, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, June 2010. — The Académie Française filed a lawsuit today at the European Court of Language Slights in Brussels against the English language, claiming 650 million euros in compensation. The suit against the English language describes “the intentional misappropriation of core elements of French and imitation of its distinctive sound.” The Académie seeks damages and an injunction that, if grant...
The Linguistics Wars
November 15, 2010 13:00 - 10 minutes - 9.99 MBThe Linguistics Wars; by Dæriam Landec, Ph.D., l’École de SpecGram, Istanbul; From Volume CLI, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, January 2006. — As is widely known—though not exhaustively covered in the linguistic, academic, or mainstream press—an unfortunate series of events that have become widely known as “The Linguistics Wars” unfolded in Montana in the spring of 2005. Over the course of a few days, several devastating attacks were launched between the Montana Morphemic Militia (or M³)—...
The Encyclopedia of Mytholingual Creatures, Places, and Things—Part II
October 15, 2010 13:00 - 4 minutes - 4.55 MBThe Encyclopedia of Mytholingual Creatures, Places, and Things—Part II; by Jʚsɘph Cɑɱpbɛɬɭ; From Volume CLIX, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, July 2010. — Noams: Small, wizened, earth-dwelling mytholingual creatures of Europe and North America. Generators of controversy and vitriolic rhetoric among such detractors as Traskus—Basque-speaking etymological kobolds—who often claim that noams publish “dogmatic”, “half-baked twaddle” on universal mythogrammar, despite the fact that “UM is a hug...
The Encyclopedia of Mytholingual Creatures, Places, and Things—Part I
September 15, 2010 13:00 - 5 minutes - 5 MBThe Encyclopedia of Mytholingual Creatures, Places, and Things—Part I; by Jʚsɘph Cɑɱpbɛɬɭ; From Volume CLIX, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, June 2010. — Abominable Synonym: A mytholingual creature of Nepal and Tibet that causes speakers within the radius of its effect to pathologically doubt their ability to choose the right word. (Read by Trey Jones.)
Phonological Theory and Language Acquisition
August 15, 2010 13:00 - 2 minutes - 1.41 MBPhonological Theory and Language Acquisition; by Notker Balbulus, Monastery of St. Gall; From Volume CXLVIII, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, January 1998. — Gildea has argued that modern phonological theorizing suffers from a tendency toward over application of a particular insight. That is, a particular theory is developed to deal with a particular sort of problem, which it handles well. However, the theory's creators, emboldened by their success, and eager to win a Kuhnian victory ove...
Morphemes: A New Threat to Society
July 15, 2010 13:00 - 2 minutes - 2.22 MBMorphemes: A New Threat to Society; by Susan Wishnetsky; From Lingua Pranca, June 1978. — This leaflet was produced by the Council On Morpheme Abuse (COMA) to increase public awareness of the most recent health hazards. (Read by Trey Jones.)
How to Do Fieldwork on Proto-Indo-European
June 15, 2010 13:03 - 17 seconds - 209 KBHow to Do Fieldwork on Proto-Indo-European; by Tim Pulju, Dartmouth College; From Volume CLVIII, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, April 2010 (Read by David J. Peterson.)
New speech disorder linguists contracted discovered!
June 15, 2010 13:02 - 41 seconds - 697 KBNew speech disorder linguists contracted discovered!; by Yreka Bakery, Egello College; From Volume CLI, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, April 2006. — An apparently new speech disorder a linguistics department our correspondent visited was affected by has appeared. Those affected our correspondent a local grad student called could hardly understand apparently still speak fluently. (Read by Jouni Filip Maho.)
Subliminal Linguistics
June 15, 2010 13:01 - 1 minute - 1.77 MBSubliminal Linguistics; By Trey Jones, at Rice University; From Volume CXLVII, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, February 1993. — The new field of subliminal linguistics questions whether or not it is possible that there are clues available to children for language acquisition which are not obvious to those who study the process, and which may occur below the level of conscious recognition, but nonetheless aid language acquisition. (Read by Trey Jones.)
What is Linguistics Good For, Anyway?
May 16, 2010 13:00 - 6 minutes - 5.68 MBWhat is Linguistics Good For, Anyway?; An Advice Column by Jonathan “Crazy Ivan” van der Meer; From Volume CLV, Number 4 of Speculative Grammarian, February 2009. — The most commonly asked question of a linguist, when one’s secret is revealed, is (all together now!): “How many languages do you speak?” I’ve decided that a good answer to this question is π. More than three, less than four—though if you discover that your interlocutor is singularly unsophisticated or otherwise from Kansas, you c...
The Braille Song
April 15, 2010 13:00 - 3 minutes - 2.99 MBThe Braille Song; by Innocuous Mustard; Music and Lyrics by Sheri Wells-Jensen, Sam Herrington, and Jason Wells-Jensen; From Volume CLVIII, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, January 2010. — You can read it in the sunshine, / Standin’ in the lunch line, / Under cover after bedtime: Braille, Braille, Braille.
The Boustrophedon-Plummerfeld Hypothesis and Futurological Linguistics
March 15, 2010 13:00 - 5 minutes - 4.77 MBThe Boustrophedon-Plummerfeld Hypothesis and Futurological Linguistics; by Jay Trones; From Volume CXLVII, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, February 1993. — Recently I found myself "fortunate enough to find such occasion" (Pyles & Algeo, P.46) as to weasel the word 'boustrophedon' into a conversation. After having expounded on the many joyous properties of this word, I entreated my fellow conversational participant to remember the word, and attempt to become one of those few and proud who ...
The Tribesman
February 15, 2010 13:00 - 4 minutes - 3.98 MBThe Tribesman; by Aya Katz & Leslie Fish; From Volume CXLVII, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, January 1993 —— Once a fieldworker hiked into unknown terrain, / Seeking someone to question, he came. / When he asked of the natives what language they spoke / There was one who was glad to explain. / Behind lay a linguist, as well as a saint, / Who would translate the Bible for them. / Would decipher the code of their language so quaint, / And secure for himself lasting fame. (Performed by Lesl...
A 21st Century Proposal for English Spelling Reform
January 15, 2010 13:00 - 7 minutes - 7.03 MBA 21st Century Proposal for English Spelling Reform; by H. Sanderson Chambers III; From Volume CXLIX, Number 2 of Speculative Grammarian, January 2004. — As is well-known to all educated people—and if it’s not well-known to you, then you’re not one of us—the early part of the 20th century was the heyday of the Simplified Spelling movement, which sought to reform English spelling on the grounds that it was “mard by absurdities and inconsistencies”. So what, you might say? Well, among other thi...
Reanalysis of Spanish by Naïve Linguists
December 15, 2009 13:00 - 4 minutes - 4.47 MBReanalysis of Spanish by Naïve Linguists; by Chesterton Wilburfors Gilchrist, Jr.; From Volume CLV, Number 1 of Speculative Grammarian, September 2008. — While sitting in the Linguistics Lounge the other day, I overheard some first-year grad students discussing the day’s Spanish class. My eavesdropping turned out to be much more interesting than I had anticipated. (Read by Trey Jones.)
Nasal-Ingressive Voiceless Velar Trill (Letters to the Editor)
December 01, 2009 13:03 - 1 minute - 1.59 MBLetters to the Editor; From Volume CLI, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, July 2006. — To the most respected editors, In the fall I’ll be a first-year grad student in linguistics at R—— University. A couple of the current fourth-years told me that the International Phonetic Association was adding several new symbols for sounds that have previously been considered to have questionable status as phonemes. They said that the most contentious new addition was double-dot wide-O, a nasal-ingressi...
Where No Researcher Should Tread
December 01, 2009 13:02 - 7 minutes - 7.23 MBWhere No Researcher Should Tread; By Cowell R. Augh, Ph.D.; From Volume CLVI, Number 3 of Speculative Grammarian, May 2009. — We, the linguistic community at large, owe a great deal of thanks to our esteemed colleague Quentin Popinjay Snodgrass for alerting us to the dangers of lexicalism. A hero of his stature doesn’t come along every day, and it would be wise of us to pay close attention to his advice—and, may I say, it is my general belief that many of us have done just that. There are tho...
The Effect of Coffee Consumption on Adults' Average MLU
December 01, 2009 13:01 - 3 minutes - 3.21 MBThe Effect of Coffee Consumption on Adults’ Average MLU at the Breakfast Table; By Suzy X.; From Volume XVI, Number 3 of Psammeticus Quarterly, May 1989. — Dear Sirs: When Mommy fell asleep at the computer during her third straight all-nighter and accidentally erased her doctoral thesis, I wrote this to help her out. She graduated with honors, and so I thought I’d do a paper on it and send it to you, since I’ve heard it’s your kind of thing. Please do not print my full name with this article,...