Speculative Grammarian Podcast
298 episodes - English - Latest episode: over 7 years ago - ★★★★★ - 11 ratingsSpeculative Grammarian—the premier scholarly journal featuring research in the neglected field of satirical linguistics—is now available as an arbitrarily irregular audio podcast. Our podcast includes readings of articles from our journal, the occasional musical number or dramatical piece, and our talk show, Language Made Difficult. Language Made Difficult is hosted by the SpecGram LingNerds, and features our signature linguistics quiz—Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics—along with some discussion of recent-ish linguistic news and whatever else amuses us. Outtakes are provided.
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Episodes
Current Issues in Gastronomy
June 19, 2015 20:56 - 5 minutes - 4.75 MBCurrent Issues in Gastronomy; by Elan Dresher and Norbert Hornstein; From Lingua Pranca, June, 1978 — The mounting rumours that the noted linguist James D. McCawley has written an annotated translation of a Japanese cookbook on oriental cuisine have proven to be well founded. A usually consistent informant has brought it to our attention that a major American publisher is preparing the final galleys, and the author’s students and friends are already hailing it as an “underground classic”. (Re...
Cartoon Theories of Linguistics—Part 九
June 19, 2015 20:49 - 1 minute - 1.69 MBCartoon Theories of Linguistics—Part 九; by Phineas Q. Phlogiston, Ph.D.; From Volume CLIV, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, May 2008 — Lexicostatistics vs. Glottochronology ("Insightful!" ... "Balderdash!") (Described by Keith Slater.)
The ’Trilaa Counting Song
June 19, 2015 20:44 - 19 seconds - 321 KBThe ’Trilaa Counting Song; A ’Trilaa Folk Song; From Volume CLX, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, November 2010 — ʙ̥ r̥ ʀ̥ ɦ / 1 2 4 8 / ʀ r ʙ ʙ̥͡ʀ̥ ʙ̥͡r̥ / 12 10 9 5 3 (Performed by Trey Jones.)
On the Correct Usage of the Ellipsis
June 12, 2015 17:37 - 8 minutes - 7.55 MBOn the Correct Usage of the Ellipsis; by Darius D. Dolesworthy, Otis Oswald Ott, and T. Thadeus Theotokopoulis; From Volume CLX, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, November 2010 — It has come to our attention that there are certain individuals associated with this otherwise reputable journal that appear to be ignorant of the rules regarding the proper usage of the ellipsis. In their ignorance they have proposed what they call a “⅔ Ellipsis” as a way of saving on printing costs. It is this p...
Ten New Commandments for Linguists
June 12, 2015 17:31 - 4 minutes - 3.91 MBTen New Commandments for Linguists; Transcribed from the original Stone Tablets by Trey Jones, et al.; From Collateral Descendant of Lingua Pranca, October, 2009 — As a Linguist, thou art an ambassador for the scientific study of Language and languages in the land of the monolingual naive speaker. Even though the monolingual naive speaker roll their eyes at thee and chastise thee as a word-obsessed fool and exalt their own native speaker competence, thou shalt proselytize the study of “Langua...
Introducing.. The SpecGram ⅔ Ellipsis™©
June 05, 2015 13:47 - 1 minute - 1.86 MBIntroducing.. The SpecGram ⅔ Ellipsis™©; by The Editors of SpecGram; From Volume CLIX, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, June 2010 — Introducing.. The SpecGram ⅔ Ellipsis™©—More than a Comma.. Less than a Semicolon!℠® (Read by James Campbell.)
The Typesetter’s Nursery Rhyme
June 05, 2015 13:46 - 17 seconds - 526 KBThe Typesetter’s Nursery Rhyme; by Author Unknown; From Volume CLXXII, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, January 2015 — soft hyphen, ­ hyphen, / a little break prefer... (Read by Jonathan van der Meer.)
The Ten Commandments
June 05, 2015 13:45 - 1 minute - 1.09 MBThe Ten Commandments; by Evan Smith; From Lingua Pranca, June, 1978 — The Ten Commandments: Linguistic Universals—A Finite Set of Rules from Infinite Wisdom, As Told To Moses by God. (Read by Trey Jones.)
Language Made Difficult, Vol. XLIV
May 29, 2015 12:08 - 45 minutes - 42.2 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. XLIV — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined once again by returning guests Jason Wells-Jensen and Tim Pulju. After some Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, the LingNerds discuss tongue twister research and reveal their academic nightmares. Stick around for the outtakes to hear some “interesting” “musical” interludes and other fun stuff.
Language Made Difficult, Vol. XLIII
May 22, 2015 12:08 - 49 minutes - 45.5 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. XLIII — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined by returning guests Tim Pulju and Jason Wells-Jensen. After some Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, the LingNerds discuss how to fake a language, and then contemplate ways in which English spelling, morphology, etc., could be revamped.
Language Made Difficult, Vol. XLII
May 15, 2015 12:08 - 1 hour - 57.5 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. XLII — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined by returning guest Hedvig Skirgård. After some Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, the LingNerds see what comes out of their mouths after reading an article claiming awareness comes after speaking, and then they discuss various linguistical ideas—real and imagined—that are ready for retirement.
Language Made Difficult, Vol. XLI
May 08, 2015 12:08 - 48 minutes - 44.8 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. XLI — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined by guest Hedvig Skirgård. After some Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, the LingNerds go into denial about their own “fingerprint words”, and then flip the script with some descriptivist confessions.
The Nasal Tone: An Honest Tale
April 24, 2015 12:08 - 5 minutes - 5.55 MBThe Nasal Tone: An Honest Tale; by Barb Tyd-Laika and Tessie Chopp Durnford; From Volume CLXVI, (166) Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, January 2013 — One of our favourite places for a “Speculative-Grammarian–style” afternoon is at the home of our dear friend, Sir William Jones, XIV. At 94, he’s full of strange tales and bizarre first-person accounts of the adventure of his life, which includes migrations, linguistics, and more vodka than you can swizzle a stick at. His stories are charact...
Evidential Complexity and Language Loss in Pinnacle Sherpa
April 17, 2015 12:08 - 9 minutes - 8.83 MBEvidential Complexity and Language Loss in Pinnacle Sherpa; by Keith Slater; From Volume CLI, Number 4, of Speculative Grammarian, October 2006 — Abstract / In this paper I describe an unprecedented situation of language loss: that which is found in Pinnacle Sherpa. The language has been completely lost by the oldest and middle-aged segments of the population, but is strongly maintained by the young. The loss is due to exponential increases in the complexity of the Pinnacle Sherpa evidential ...
UXⁿ: The Implications of Sampson’s Proof of Universal Science
April 10, 2015 13:09 - 5 minutes - 5.13 MBUXⁿ: The Implications of Sampson’s Proof of Universal Science; by Bjorn-Bob Weaselflinger; From Volume CLIV, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, May 2008 — As this author has noted elsewhere, it is not uncommon in linguistics—just as in other sciences—for an observation with stunning implications for the field to go largely unnoticed; a researcher will advance an analysis to deal with a highly localized, recalcitrant problem without realizing that the analysis itself is a revolutionary advan...
Language Reviews
April 03, 2015 12:08 - 4 minutes - 4.04 MBLanguage Reviews; by Dr. P. Nonoir; From Volume CLIX, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, July 2010 — This month we asked avid SpecGram reader Dr. P. Nonoir, Professor of Oenological Linguistics at the Sorbonne, to review some of his favourite languages. (Read by James Campbell.)
A Yonge Philologiste’s First Drynkynge Poime
March 27, 2015 12:08 - 3 minutes - 3.36 MBA Yonge Philologiste’s First Drynkynge Poime; Author Unknown; From Volume CL, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, January 2005 — Whan that Apryl, with hir bosooms soote, / The draughtes of beere hath feched barefoote ... (Read by Jonathan van der Meer.)
Velum, Velum, Little Thing
March 27, 2015 12:08 - 1 minute - 1.86 MBVelum, Velum, Little Thing; by Phrançoise Phonétique; From Volume CLXVI, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, January 2013 — Velum, velum little thing. / How I wonder where you swing. / Up above the tongue so high, / Like a larynx in the sky. (Read by Les Strabismus.)
ODE TO ALCUIN
March 27, 2015 12:08 - 58 seconds - 1.14 MBODE TO ALCUIN; by Anonymous; From Volume CLVI, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, April 2009 — ALCUIN, O ALCUIN, YOU RENAIS- / SANCE-Y CAROLINGIAN BASTARD, / YOU HAVE GONE AND NEARLY DOUBLED / THE COUNT OF LETTERS TO BE MASTERED. (Read by Trey Jones.)
Spaz Attack in the Corner—Look! Look! I’m flying...
March 20, 2015 12:08 - 48 seconds - 829 KBSpaz Attack in the Corner—Look! Look! I’m flying...; by Don & III; From Volume CXLVII, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, March 1993 — Linguistics: “Look! Look! I’m flying...” (Described by Keith Slater.)
Linguistics Nerd Camp—Small Talk
March 20, 2015 12:08 - 48 seconds - 888 KBLinguistics Nerd Camp—Small Talk; by Bethany Carlson; From Volume CLX, Number 4, of Speculative Grammarian, January 2011 — Surprisingly, Marty found that his small talk skills had actually declined during his summer at linguistics school. (Described by Keith Slater.)
The Dog Days of Summer—A Letter from the Nordic Editor
March 20, 2015 12:08 - 1 minute - 1.68 MBThe Dog Days of Summer—A Letter from the Nordic Editor; by Rötmånad Mätäkuu; From Volume CLIV, Number 4, of Speculative Grammarian, August 2008 — Welcome to the time of year when the seas boil, wine turns sour, dogs grow mad, and all creatures become languid, causing to man burning fevers, hysterics, and phrensies. Here in the Nordic countries, where we all speak English better (and with notably classier accents) than most so-called “native” speakers from North America, linguists fight off th...
SpecGram, the Religion
March 13, 2015 12:08 - 6 minutes - 6 MBSpecGram, the Religion; by Margo T. Cip, A. M. Grössten, & Strčprst Kskrzkrk; From Volume CLXI, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, March 2011 — Linguists have always had several choices of deity—including Bloduwedda and her lot, or Θωθ, the pre-technological deity of computational linguistics—but there have never been any gods of satirical linguistics. However, on a recent data-diving expedition, we three junior SpecGram archivists have discovered that we are not as theologically lonely as ...
New Course Offerings in Linguistics
March 06, 2015 13:08 - 1 minute - 1.81 MBNew Course Offerings in Linguistics; from l’École de SpecGram, Paris; From Volume CLXVI, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, February 2013 — NEW: Degree in Linguodontics / The Paris campus of l’École de SpecGram is pleased to announce the introduction of a new degree program in Linguodontics. (Read by Les Strabismus.)
The Necessity of Sound Theoretical Frameworks in Linguistic Education
February 27, 2015 13:08 - 4 minutes - 4.2 MBThe Necessity of Sound Theoretical Frameworks in Linguistic Education; by Noah McMosky; From Volume CLXVI, (166) Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, January 2013 — Theoretical Linguistics has the loftiest of goals, namely the creation of a theoretical framework that can explain the features of all languages. Lamentably, however, the pursuit of this goal is often frustrated by the activities of field linguists, who seem to take perverse delight in presenting data that apparently contradicts w...
How They Do It In Linguistics
February 20, 2015 13:08 - 1 minute - 1.33 MBHow They Do It In Linguistics; by James Crippen; From Volume CLV, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, December 2008 — Sociolinguists do it with variety. ... (Read by Trey Jones.)
The Prudent Fieldworker’s Guide to Preparation and Packing—Part II
February 13, 2015 13:08 - 9 minutes - 9.31 MBThe Prudent Fieldworker’s Guide to Preparation and Packing—Part II; by Athanasious Schadenpoodle; From Volume CLIX, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, May 2010 — [Editor’s Note. This is Part II of Professor Schadenpoodle’s authoritative guide to preparing for the vicissitudes of fieldwork.] (Read by Keith Slater.)
The Prudent Fieldworker’s Guide to Preparation and Packing—Part I
February 06, 2015 13:08 - 9 minutes - 9.21 MBThe Prudent Fieldworker’s Guide to Preparation and Packing—Part I; by Athanasious Schadenpoodle; From Volume CLVIII, Number 4, of Speculative Grammarian, April 2010 — [Editor’s Note: While Prof. Schadenpoodle has, to our knowledge, only gone on two excursions, he is quite famous in our field for his awareness of, and proactive preparation for, hazards. On six separate occasions, campus security has had to rescue students who inadvertently triggered the defensive perimeter around his office, a...
On the Meta-Abstractness of the Abstract Abstract
January 23, 2015 13:08 - 1 minute - 1.34 MBOn the Meta-Abstractness of the Abstract Abstract; by Métha Maxwell; From Collateral Descendant of Lingua Pranca, October, 2009 — ABSTRACT: Little note has been taken of the linguistically universal logical and empirical implications and consequences that bear crucially on linguistic methodology and meta-processes that arise from E. Maxwell’s 1979 paper, On the Abstractness of Abstractness. (Read by Trey Jones.)
The Abstract Abstract
January 23, 2015 13:08 - 1 minute - 1.31 MBThe Abstract Abstract; by Edith Maxwell; From Son of Lingua Pranca, November, 1979 — On the Abstractness of Abstractness / This paper will present new evidence which bears crucially on an empirical question not only directly relevant to the future of generative phonology but also clearly pertinent to the field of linguistics as a whole, as I have shown elsewhere. (Read by Trey Jones.)
Linguistic Deskwork
January 16, 2015 13:08 - 2 minutes - 2.38 MBLinguistic Deskwork; by H.D. Onesimus; From Volume CL, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, January 2005 — Since the so-called ‘discovery’ of endangered languages, much breathless attention in linguistics has been devoted to the topic of methods for linguistic fieldwork. So much breathless attention, in fact, that our field is in danger of losing its foundational and most critical resource: the linguistic deskworker. (Read by Keith Slater.)
Language Made Difficult, Vol. XL
January 09, 2015 13:08 - 56 minutes - 51.7 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. XL — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined yet again by returning guest Madalena Cruz-Ferreira. After some Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, the LingNerds discuss Twitter Tribes and why biologists shouldn't do corpus linguistics, and then make a number of particularly humorous prescriptivist confessions.
Language Made Difficult, Vol. XXXIX
January 02, 2015 13:08 - 45 minutes - 41.7 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. XXXIX — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined again by returning guest Madalena Cruz-Ferreira. After some Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, the LingNerds discuss angry texting orthography, and then attempt to lend a helping hand to non-academics.
Language Made Difficult, Vol. XXXVIII
December 26, 2014 13:08 - 47 minutes - 43.1 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. XXXVIII — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined yet again by returning guest Tim Pulju. After some Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, the LingNerds discuss automating historical linguistic reconstructions, and then discuss ideas for new linguistics- and language-themed holidays.
Language Made Difficult, Vol. XXXVII
December 19, 2014 13:08 - 43 minutes - 39.8 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. XXXVII — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined by returning guest Tim Pulju. After some Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, the LingNerds discuss cross-linguistics differences in language acquisition (with special references to lemurs) and share some more Randomata. Also, identify the Secret Word of the Day and email Trey (@SpecGram.com) within a week of the episode's release for a chance to win a free copy of The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics!
Language Made Difficult, Vol. XXXVI
December 12, 2014 13:08 - 54 minutes - 50.2 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. XXXVI — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined again by guest Jason Wells-Jensen. After some Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, the LingNerds discuss the pointlessness of baby talk compared to the pointlessness of lemur screeches, and review more comprehensive exam questions. Also, identify the Secret Word of the Day and email Trey (@SpecGram.com) within a week of the episode's release for a chance to win a free copy of The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to L...
Language Made Difficult, Vol. XXXV
December 05, 2014 13:08 - 51 minutes - 47.2 MBLanguage Made Difficult, Vol. XXXV — The SpecGram LingNerds are joined by guest Jason Wells-Jensen. After some Lies, Damned Lies, and Linguistics, the LingNerds discuss the wisdom of trying to revive “Indo-European”, and partake in some Linguistic Parlor Games. Also, identify the Secret Word of the Day and email Trey (@SpecGram.com) within a week of the episode’s release for a chance to win a free copy of The Speculative Grammarian Essential Guide to Linguistics!
Old Professor Hockett
November 28, 2014 15:50 - 1 minute - 2.36 MBOld Professor Hockett; by James Riley Whitcomb; From World of Language, Volume I, Number 2 of The Journal of the Linguistic Society of South-Central New Caledonia, February 1991 — Old Professor Hockett came to our school one day, / To teach us some linguistics and earn a little pay. / More accurately, history was what he taught us all / In 1989, as the leaves began to fall; / And all us graduate students, when the clock struck one, / We’d gather in the classroom and have the mostest fun / A-l...
Annual Realgedankenexperiment Grant
November 21, 2014 13:08 - 5 minutes - 5.7 MBAnnual Realgedankenexperiment Grant; by the Journal of Forbidden Experiments; From Volume CLXVII, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, April 2013 — Once again, the Journal of Forbidden Experiments is accepting applications for its Annual Realgedankenexperiment Grant, underwritten by the generous donations of the Van Tricasse family. (Read by Trey Jones.)
The Texas World Cultural Festival and Poetry Recitation Competition
November 14, 2014 13:08 - 13 minutes - 12.7 MBThe Texas World Cultural Festival and Poetry Recitation Competition; by Damian Grammatical — I’m Damian Grammatical, Radio Highbrow’s Culture Correspondent based in Austin, Texas. On Saturday, the 18th of October, 2014, the Texas World Cultural Festival and Poetry Recitation Competition was held in Corsicana, Texas. The day began with the “Not Square But Just as Interesting” ethnic dance exhibition, which featured such dances as the Viennese waltz and the Argentine tango. (Performed by Mark B...
The Definition of Progress
November 07, 2014 13:08 - 3 minutes - 3.19 MBThe Definition of Progress; by Sam Crusemire; From Volume CLXVI, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, February 2013 — The average member of Richmond’s “jeunesse dorée” will be delighted to discover that our university plans to release its own “Dictionary of the English Language”. Over the course of a few decades, the Departments of English, Classics, and Modern Literatures and Cultures developed the dictionary, considering Webster pedantic and the OED too wordy. (Read by Trey Jones.)
Using NLP to Defeat NLP
October 24, 2014 12:08 - 2 minutes - 2.94 MBUsing NLP to Defeat NLP; by The Γραμματο-Χαοτικον; From Volume CLXV, Number 4, of Speculative Grammarian, October 2012 — We are the Γραμματο-Χαοτικον, an underground alliance of linguists, philologists, and polyglots. Our self-appointed role is to encourage arbitrary and capricious change both in Language and among languages, world-wide. Our exploits are legion, and now reasonably well documented (see “The Γραμματο-Χαοτικον Manifesto”, SpecGram CL.4). (Read by Trey Jones.)
Important Idioms in Contemporary Science
October 17, 2014 16:12 - 1 minute - 1.74 MBImportant Idioms in Contemporary Science; by Metalleus; From Lingua Pranca, June, 1978 — Text: (28) is very likely a universal constraint. / Read: I know, for sure, that (28) works for English, French, and certain Lolo-Burmese dialects. (Read by Trey Jones.)
Linguists Don’t Need Prescriptivists
October 10, 2014 12:08 - 2 minutes - 2.79 MBLinguists Don’t Need Prescriptivists; by Dr. D. Schkrbtov; From Volume CLVIII, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, January 2010 — I was very disturbed and exceedingly disappointed when I first read Afiresay, Iresaf, and Safopireop’s screed “Linguists Need Prescriptivists (and probably Pig Latin, too)”, for a variety of different reasons. The authors, in discussing language games and their importance to the field of linguistics, only mention the English transformative “games” Pig Latin and Op...
Linguists Need Prescriptivists, and probably Pig Latin, too
October 03, 2014 12:08 - 3 minutes - 3.28 MBLinguists Need Prescriptivists, and probably Pig Latin, too; by Dr. Illiamway Afiresay, hDPay; Dr. Iamwill Iresaf, DPh; and Dr. Willopiamop Safopireop, PophopDop; From Volume CLVI, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, March 2009 — It has been theorized before that many of the perceived constraints on human language (and thus on any universal grammar of human language) are actually more likely to be constraints on the ways that human languages can change as they are transmitted from one genera...
Don’t Baby That Baby, Baby
September 26, 2014 17:13 - 2 minutes - 2.36 MBDon’t Baby That Baby, Baby; by Butch McBastard; From Volume CLXVIII, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, October 2013 — Despite the attempts by those who study the phenomenon to dress it up in jargon (“caretaker speech”), cutesiness (“motherese”), or TLAs (IDS/CDS—“infant-/child-directed speech”), baby talk is still baby talk, and frankly as a linguist I’m insulted that you think I’d fall for that kind of whitewashing of such a despicable practice. That’s right, I said it, baby talk is despi...
A Psychosis of the “Framework Psychosis” Framework
September 19, 2014 12:08 - 4 minutes - 4.95 MBA Psychosis of the “Framework Psychosis” Framework; by Jonathan van der Meer; From Volume CLXVIII, Number 3, of Speculative Grammarian, November 2013 — Framework Psychosis, as expertly reified by Dr. Pill, is a very useful window on the world. It provides an explanatory model of the success of the most successful frameworks, of tribalism in linguistics, and of Chomsky’s successful decades-long trivialization of performance in favor of competence. (Read by Jonathan van der Meer and Trey Jones.)
Linguistic Koans
September 12, 2014 12:08 - 3 minutes - 3.2 MBLinguistic Koans; by Z. En ‘Bud’ Dhist; From Volume CLIII, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, November 2007 — What is the sound of one vocal cord flapping? (Read by Trey Jones.)
The Swiss Data Massage Villa
August 29, 2014 16:12 - 1 minute - 1.46 MBThe Swiss Data Massage Villa; From Volume CLXVIII, Number 1, of Speculative Grammarian, September 2013 — Are your data feeling tense? Unable or Reluctant to bend gently to fit the graceful contours of your new theory? Are your N’s too small? Your P’s too big? Decimal point in the wrong place? Is your Chi not square? Is your bell curve not ringing true? (Performed by Jason Wells-Jensen.)
Where are the Vampire Linguists?
August 22, 2014 14:55 - 2 minutes - 2.82 MBWhere are the Vampire Linguists?; by F. Ang Bangah; From Volume CLVII, Number 2, of Speculative Grammarian, September 2009 — Though many people have had trouble coming to terms with the truth about vampires since they “came out of the coffin” in the so-called Great Revelation—made possible by the creation of the Japanese synthetic blood substitute—their presence represents a unique and untapped opportunity for historians, linguists, and anthropologists. Non-supernaturals have had much opportu...