Teenagers & Social Media - What To Do

Tracy continues on her theme of raising teenagers, focusing on the pressures of social media. This episode offers advice and actions to take if social media is affecting your children, or your relationship with them.

Following the main episode, there is a meditation helping you release all the things in life that you can't control, which you can listen to as often as you wish.

For help with any issues raised in this podcast, or for a free initial consultation, contact Tracy:

Facebook: www.facebook.com/Tracy.Kimberg.Counselling.Therapy.Coaching/

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Website: www.tracykimberg.com

TRANSCRIPT:

My name is Tracy Kimberg. I'm a teenage transformation therapist and a healthy relationship coach. As parents. We can often feel that we are a failure when our relationship with our teen deteriorates, our teens find it difficult to cope. Feeling anxious, angry, and they feel like failures themselves. I support frustrated, anxious, and overwhelmed parents and teenagers find mutual understanding and respect.
Trust, compassion, contentment. And happiness. Nobody deserves to feel like a failure and alone humans thrive when we are surrounded by honest, happy, and healthy relationships when we can speak confidently and honestly about our emotions. They are so many things that impact our mental health and especially teenagers.
One of those things is social media. And today I'm going to talk about the impact of social media on the teenagers mental health and what we can do as parents to help them control and manage their social media. And if anything in today's discussion is something that you would like to talk to me about, then please get hold of me on my three social media platforms, Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn.
You can find me there just type in Tracy Kimberg hypnotherapist. And I would be happy to have a discussion with you. No obligation of course, and no cost. Just get in touch and we can see if there's anything I can do to help you and your teenager. And when we reached the end of a discussion, they will be another free hypnotherapy download for you to listen to, and, um, keep for yourself so that you can listen to whenever you feel the need to take time out, just to relax and to feel calm.
I am so sure that many of you will agree with me that many parents are extremely worried about the exposure to technology and how it might affect toddlers. Developmentally. We know our preschoolers are picking up new social and cognitive skills at a stunning pace, and we don't want hours spent glued to iPads and iPhones, but.
Adolescence is an equally important period of rapid development. And too few of us are paying attention to how our teenagers use of technology, much more intense and intimate than a three-year old playing with their dad's iPhone is affecting them. In fact, the experts are saying that social media and text messages have become such a huge part in the teenager's life and are promoting anxiety and lowering self-esteem.
This is such a huge concern because another report done by the Royal society of public health done between 14 and 24 year olds in the UK showed that young people. Um, all extremely worried and that they have definitely found that they, um, feelings of depression, anxiety, poor body image and loneliness have gone up at a rapid pace.
We all know that teens are masters at keeping themselves occupied in the hours off to school until way past bedtime. They not doing their homework. They're online and on their iPhones, texting, sharing, stroke, trolling scrolling, you name it, snap chatting. Um, make sending selfies. Of course, before everyone had an Instagram account, teens kept himself busy too, but they were more likely to do their chatting on the phone or in person.
When hanging out in town, in the mall or wherever we used to hang out as teens, it might have looked like a lot of aimless hanging around, but what we were doing when we were experimenting, trying out skills and succeeding and failing in tons of tiny real time, mean actions that kids today are completely missing out on.
So one thing modern teens are learning to do most of their communication while looking at a screen and not at another person. There's no question in my mind that kids are missing out on a very critical thing. And that is social skills in a way texting and online communicating well it's it creates a nonverbal learning disability, but it puts everybody in a non-verbal disabled context way, body language.
Face or facial expressions and even the smallest kinds of vocal reactions oriented, invisible. Of course, certainly I'm speaking in directly creates a barrier to clear communication, but that's not all learning how to make friends is a major part of growing up and friendship requires certain, um, a certain amount of risk-taking.
This is true for making a new friend for instance, but it's also true for maintaining friendships. When there are problems that need to be faced big or small ones, it takes courage to be honest about your feelings. And then of course, to hear what the other person has to say, learning to effectively cross these bridges is part of what makes a friendship fun and exciting, and also scary.
Part of healthy self-esteem is knowing how to say what you think and feel even when you're in disagreement with the other person, or if it feels emotionally risky. When we look at the online friendships that our children have, they are stripped of those communication tools. It's much easier to keep your guard up when you're texting.
So. Less it is said that there's less at stake, but you aren't hearing or seeing the effects that your words are having on the other person, because the conversation isn't really happening in real time, each party can take more time to consider response. No wonder kids say calling someone on the phone is too intense.
It requires more direct communication and. If you aren't used to that type of communication of can feel extremely scary. If kids aren't getting enough practice relating to people and getting their needs met in person. And in real time, many of them will grow up to be adults with. Um, more anxiety about our species.
Primary means of communication, which is talking. And of course, social negotiations only gets riskier. As people get older and begin navigating romantic relationships and employment. The other big danger that comes from kids communicating more directly is that it has gotten easier to be cool. I don't know about you, but I have three daughters and I have many, a times had to do with cyber bullying and on non bullying, kids takes all sorts of things that you would never in a million years contemplate saying to anyone's face.
And the weird thing is that this. Seems to be especially true of girls who typically don't like to disagree with each other in real life. We, as parents, we'd like to teach our children that they can disagree without jeopardizing the relationship. But what social media is teaching them to do is to disagree in ways that are more extreme and do jeopardize the relationship.
It's exactly what you don't want to happen. The experts say that girls are more at risk because girls are socialized more to compare themselves to other people, girls in particular, to develop the identities. So it makes them more vulnerable to the downside of all this. We forget that the relational aggression comes from insecurity and feeling awful about yourself and wanting to put other people down.
So you feel better. It's all got to do with self-esteem lack of self-esteem is definitely to blame. We forget that relational aggression comes from the insecurity and feeling awful about yourself and wanting to put other people down so that you can feel better. Peer acceptance is a big thing for adolescents and many of them care about the image as much as for instance, a politician standing for election and to them, it can feel extremely serious.
Add to that. The fact that kids today are getting actual polling data on how much people like them or their appearance via likes. This is awful. Isn't it enough to turn anyone's head who wouldn't want to make herself look cooler if she could. So kids can spend hours pruning the online identities, trying to project and idolize their image.
Teenage girls. So through hundreds of photos, agonizing over which ones they can post online and which ones not. But what about the boys? Boys compete for tension by trying to outgrow each other, pushing the envelope as much as they can in the already this inhibited atmosphere, online kids, gang, up on each other.
Adolescence have always been doing this. I know, but with the advent of social media, they are faced with more opportunities and more traps than ever before when kids scroll through their feeds and see how everyone lives and how it seems, how everyone lives, it only adds to the precious. We used to worrying about the impracticalities of, um, photo shocked magazine articles and things like that.
But what happens with the kid next door when, um, they are shopped or even more confusing? What happens? On your own price, um, to yourself when your own profile doesn't seem to represent the real person that you are, um, on the inside adolescence and the early twenties in particular are the years in which you are acutely aware of the chronic contrasts between you, um, who you appear to be and who you think you are and who you should be.
You could say that it is similar to imposter syndrome in psychology, as you get older and acquire more mastery, you begin to realize that you actually are good at some things, and that you feel that gap hopefully narrow, but imagine having your deepest, darkest fear be that you aren't as good as you look and then imagine needing to look that good all the time.
It must be exhausting. Self-esteem comes from knowing who you are, but the more identities you have, the more time you spend pretending to be someone you aren't and the harder it is going to be for you as a person to feel good and okay about yourself. The next thing I'm going to talk about is stalking and being ignored.
Another big change has come with new technology and especially smart phones, um, which is something that we are never really alone. Kids update their status, share what they watching, listening to and reading and have apps that let their friends know where they are in their location, on a map at all times.
Even if a person isn't trying to keep his friends updated, he's still never out of reach of a text message. So the result is that the kids feel hyper connected to each other. The conversation never, ever stops. And it feels like there's always something new happening. So in actual fact kids never get a break from it.
And that in, um, in itself can produce anxiety. Everybody needs a response from the demands, um, of intimacy and connection. We all need time to regroup and replenish and just chill out away from it all. When you don't have that, it is so easy to become emotionally depleted and completely overwhelmed with anxiety.
It's also surprisingly easy to feel lonely in the middle of all the hyperconnection. For one thing, kids now know with depressing certainty that they are being ignored. We all have phones and we all respond to things pretty quickly. So when we, for instance, waiting for a response that doesn't come, the silence can be definitely.
The silent treatment might be a strategic insult or just an unfortunate side effect of an online adolescent relationship that has started out intensely and then slowly starts fading away, which is normal, but not in this sense. The teenage feels it in overwhelm. In the old days when boys were going to break up with you, he, um, had to give you a conversation or at least a note, or at least a phone call, but these days they just disappear your screen and you never get to have that.
What did I do wrong or can we be friends or. Just a decent conversation. Kids are often left, imagining the worst case scenario about the situation and of course more seriously themselves. But even when the conversation doesn't end being in a constant state of waiting can still provoke anxiety. We can feel ourselves being put in a black corner.
Um, we, we put ourselves back there and our very human needs to communicate is effectively delegated. Um, the two,
hi, my name is Fiona and I'm recording this, um, in respect of, uh, the need for help for teenagers, um, mental health. Um, I met Tracy a couple of years ago. Um, when my daughter was really struggling with her mental health following, um, bullying us. And Tracy undertook 10 sessions with her, um, of therapy. And I have to say she's absolutely, truly amazing.
She is one of the calmest, kindest people. I know, in fact, I think I'd probably say she is. So almost serene. Um, if I'm counting B and she turned my daughter's life around, she gave her coping strategies ways to manage her anxiety, helped her to rebuild her self esteem. Um, and during to a happy, confident, um, teenager who is.
Now, um, after college, um, admittedly when the strange times of COVID, um, because of the strategies that she's learned from Tracy, because of the help she had, um, she's managing to thrive. Spike COVID. Um, I know the strategies that Tracy has given her. She's also used herself to help friends. And I think that that will be something that will stay with her lifelong.
Um, I'd just like to say thank you, Tracy, because thanks to you. My daughter is. Um, an amazing human being. If you are worried about your teenager's mental health, I would absolutely strongly encourage you to consider a syrupy for your child. It can make such a difference in their lives.
I concentrate enough that it's so important that you to minimize the risks associated with technology is it's very important to look at yourself first as a parent. Look at your own cassette consumption of social media, it's up to parents to set a good example of what healthy computer usage looks like.
Most of us check our phones or our emails far too much, whether we do this out of real interest or nervous habit, or just pure boredom, it doesn't matter. Kids should be used to seeing our faces, not our heads bent over the screen established technology, free zones in the house and technology free times.
Um, when the whole family stays off their phone, including mum and dad, don't walk in the front door, in the middle of a conversation. Um, and B um, I can't listen to you now. I'm on my phone or I just need to check my emails or I need to make a couple of businesses be present with your children. Um, in the morning, get up half an hour earlier, um, and do your business calls and email checking before the children wake up so that you can be available to your children to listen to their concerns and prepare them for their day.
Give them your full attention until they are out the door. And neither of you should be using phones in the call or from school, because that's an important time to talk. Not even to mention that you shouldn't be on the phone while you're driving. Not only does limiting the amount of time you spend plugged into computers, provide a healthy counterpoint to the tech ops, upset, um, tech obsessed world.
It also strengthens the parent-child bond and makes kids feel more secure. Kids need to know that you are available to them and to listen to their problems, talk about their day, give them a reality check and try and connect with them on an emotion. It is the many moments of disconnection when parents are too focused on their own devices and screens that dilute the parent child relationship.
When kids start turning to the internet for help or to process whatever happened during the day, you might not like what happens. Technology can give your child more information than you can, and it doesn't have to, um, necessarily agree, um, or, um, go hand in hand with your values. So, um, it won't be sensitive to your child's personality.
It won't answer the question on a developmentally appropriate way. And, um, in addition to that, your child will start disregarding your answers versus the answers of the internet. Um, so. I use the same, um, advice here that I use when talking about kids and alcohol, try to get as far as you can, without anything at all.
If your child is on Facebook, then, um, you should be your child's friend and monitor their page. If your child's on Instagram the same. And if your child on Tik TOK the same. I do, however, advise against going through your child's text messages and Lisa is serious. Cause for concern, if you have a big reason and you all worried then, okay.
But it better be a very good reason. I see parents who are just plain old spying on their kids, parents should be, um, uh, trusting of their children and the children should feel that they are trusted to not even give your kid. The benefit of the doubt is incredibly damaging for the relationship. You have to feel like your parents think you're a good kid.
Those kids, usually all good kids. Yeah, offline the gold standard advice for helping kids, um, build healthy self-esteem is to get them involved in something that they're interested in. This could be sports or music or a hobby, well taking part in some volunteering activities, anything that sparks an interest and gives them confidence when kids learn to feel good about what they can do instead of how they look.
And what their own, they are happier and better prepared for success in real life. And of course, most importantly, taking part in these types of activities requires them to have face to face contact with other people and their peers, where they will learn valuable communication and social skills. And to you listening out there who is having a really tough time with your teenager at home, never getting them off their phone and feeling ready, troubled.
Don't forget that you aren't doing the best you can, and you can always ask for help. Help is just a phone call away.
now it's time for your hypnotherapy meditation session. And as you just sit back and relax, make yourself comfortable, find yourself a blankets and just settle down, lie back, rest your arms on your chest. Whether you're sitting, you can nest your arms in your lap and just change. Please start breathing normally.
Alrighty allowing your body and your mind to relax,
become aware of your surroundings,
noticing any sounds. Maybe you can have birds or cars, any sound. You might hear and just notice them. Don't try. And I don't notice them.
Now I'd like you to focus on the inside of your body. Notice if you feel any tension, any way, it might feel some tension in your shoulders, perhaps in your spine, maybe your head. Anywhere, possibly in your body where you might feel any stress or tension, just notice it
normally.
And then I'd like you to imagine yourself
lying in a matter,
very calmly on the grass, just relaxing as if it was a sunny summer stay and you were just out and decided to lie down. In a very safe and quiet and serene place. And you're just lying there. Observing the clouds in the sky as they come and go changing shape,
moving away and making place for new ones.
Happy if a thought of how many things you try and control that you just have no ability to control things like what people say, what might happen in the future.
The weather, for instance, things you have no control over that you obsess over
and I'd like you to make an imaginative list in your head of the things that you can't control.
Just list them one by one,
write them down on an imaginative piece of paper. And you can see the words there because your imagination is so powerful and you can see anything you want. If you just tell it to.
And as you have your list in your hand, the one that you wrote down, all the things that you can't control. I want you to tear that list up into tiny pieces.
Feel yourself, tearing up the paper. Into tiny pieces.
And I want you to throw them up into the sky. And watch them all go up into the sky in the breeze. Each piece of paper attaches itself to a cloud and a chain PLE floats in the air. And you notice that each cloud. Has the word
signifies. One of the things that you can't control
and just breathe and just observe these things floating in the sky far away from you
just touched from you.
And you know that there's nothing to do, nothing to say, nothing to change. I just like clouds in the sky. Each of those words, they come and they go just the way they meant to come and go just to weigh them into go.
Unless you notice these clouds moving pasture in the sky and you notice how they disappear eventually into the sky, just into the universe. Off into the horizon disappearing slowly, but surely
you notice that the sky sometimes looks more blue than others when most of the clouds disappeared. And then you see more clouds appearing with more words on. But when you see them, you're just breathe
and you remind yourself that you don't have control over those. Can you just let them be and just to say, came at the right time, they move away at the right time
out of your control.
Everything is
in the middle. I want you to repeat after me, everything is as it should be.
And again, everything is as it should be.
And again, everything is as it should be.
Take a deep breath and Azure. Exhale allow yourself to just relax.
And now repeat after me, I release the things that I can't control.
and again, I release the things that I can't control.
I released the things that I can't control.
Have a nice deep letting go breath
as you do. So notice how you feel lighter.
Notice how the stress in your body feels
as you've become aware of that. You need to let go of the things that you can't control because they follow your mind and your mind feels better when it's emptier.
Uh,
you cannot allow yourself to come back to AOL and become more aware of your surroundings. Maybe your party where it's touching the bed or the chair. Maybe you can hear the birds again,
take a deep breath
and open your eyes.
Feeling really calm and relaxed. And free of all the thoughts that you need to control the uncontrollable.
Thank you for joining me for this meditation. I'll see you next time. And please remember to follow me on Instagram. Uh, Tracy Kimberg therapist on Facebook, Tracy Kimberg hypnotherapist. And you can have a look on my website, Tracykimberg.com.