Movie Mastery
235 episodes - English - Latest episode: 4 days ago - ★★★★★ - 67 ratingsJef and Jon review movies by randomly rolling on an audience-submitted list.
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Episodes
In Theaters Now – Angry Birds (2016)
June 03, 2016 05:23 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/06/movie-mastery-in-theatres-now-the-angry-birds-movie1.mp3 Well, it’s certainly in theaters right now. Did you know this is the highest-grossing (in terms of domestic box office) Sean Penn movie? Well, now you do. Take that information and run, friends. Angry Birds is the first incredible disappointment in what is sure to be a painful series of bad ideas, our newest feature, In Theaters Now. You earned it with Patreon, and now we have to g...
Movie Mastery – Screamers (1995)
May 19, 2016 06:30 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/05/movie-mastery-screamers.mp3 On a distant planet, some bullshit happens and then nobody pays attention to it anymore because oh holy hell! There are crazy robos attacking and they could be anyone but probably the ones they spoil in the trailer. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Mazes & Monsters (1982)
May 06, 2016 03:57 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/05/movie-mastery-mazes-and-monsters-1982.mp3 Dare ye enter the magical realm of what filmmakers in the early 80s thought RPGs looked like? It’s a terrifying world of whiny yuppie children and blaming mental illness on games. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)
April 22, 2016 00:40 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/04/movie-mastery-the-adventures-of-ford-fairlane.mp3 Old Mother Hubbard, lived in a cupboard, thrilled that she didn’t own a TV and was at no risk of ever even accidentally seeing any of this depressing, rapey, anti-funny ego trip of a movie. It’s The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, the movie designed to make Andrew Dice Clay look good according to the well-honed sensibilities of Andrew Dice Clay. It’s pretty dire. Learn more about your ad choic...
Movie Mastery – Ewoks: The Battle for Endor (1985)
April 08, 2016 04:21 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/04/movie-mastery-ewoks-battle-for-endor-1985.mp3 Yes, I know this is the second one. We roll randomly, remember? We’ll get to Caravan of Courage at some point. Today, Movie Mastery covers the best Star Wars movie with Wilford Brimley and a mutant Flash Rabbit in it. Journey back to 1985 with us, and try to remember a time when people were so starved for Star Wars content that they’d watch this. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaph...
Movie Mastery: Now Playing – Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
March 29, 2016 04:01 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/movie-mastery-special-bvs-dawn-of-justice.mp3 We’ve had it as a stretch goal on the Patreon for a while and since we were getting close, we’ve decided to give you a little taste of what you could be in store for in the near future. The dark, gritty Movie Mastery reboot where there are no jokes and we only record the sound of dark grey and blue. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – A Talking Cat!?!
March 24, 2016 06:13 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/movie-mastery-a-talking-cat.mp3 The second internet famously bad movie we’ve gotten in a row. Only we know something no other reviewer knows. We know the dark secret that surrounds the filming location of A Talking Cat!?! We understand that it could have been so, so much worse. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Foodfight!
March 11, 2016 03:05 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/movie-mastery-foodfight.mp3 Celebrity voices and product placement come together with the cheapest animation possible to create a devastating whirlwind, the outcome of which is the shittiest movie imaginable. Prepare to be amazed at a movie that fails in every conceivable fashion: Foodfight! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Steel
February 26, 2016 01:53 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/movie-mastery-steel.mp3 This is weird, right? Because you had totally forgotten this movie? And now you’re all “Oh yeah, Steel! I didn’t go see that. Looked really bad, and it came out like three months after Batman & Robin, so I was already pretty mad at DC Comics in general. Yet here this is. Still available for you to watch. Still bearing a rap song about the lead character featuring the lead actor doing some of the rapping, and sti...
Movie Mastery – Scooby-Doo and KISS: Rock and Roll Mystery
February 11, 2016 04:49 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/movie-mastery-scooby-doo-and-kiss-rock-and-roll-mystery.mp3 It’s genuinely unusual that even when the Scooby of today meets a celebrity, it’s a celebrity from the 70s. Anyway, here’s Scooby-Doo and KISS: Rock and Roll Mystery. Though if you ask me, I’ll tell you the real mystery is how both of us grown men had managed to convince ourselves that Gene Simmons was the lead singer of KISS instead of just their weird gross bassist. Learn more a...
Movie Mastery – Mommie Dearest (1981)
January 28, 2016 07:24 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/movie-mastery-mommie-dearest-1981.mp3 An old friend drops by the show to help us review a movie she made us watch in the first place. Claire joins us for Mommie Dearest, a bizarre, slowly-paced melodrama from the early 80s that’s really more useful as fashion guide and Futurama joke fodder than anything else. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Soul Man (1986)
January 14, 2016 16:00 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/movie-mastery-soul-man-1986.mp3 This movie was harder to find that the Holiday Special, and what we can learn from that is that someone needs to work harder at hiding this, because it’s horrible, and needs to be kept away from people, and the light of day. This is the story of a douchebag who thinks that blackface is perfectly acceptable if it means he doesn’t have to get a job, and the various people in his life who reward him for this. En...
Movie Mastery – Santa with Muscles (1996)
December 31, 2015 17:03 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/movie-mastery-santa-with-muscles-1996.mp3 Oh boy, it’s Hulk Hogan! According to that poster, we know he goes sleeveless, doesn’t like buttoning up, and gives some very harmless looking dudes the business. I mean, look at those dudes. That guy on the left is only guilty of the 90s crime of dressing in tucked in layers. This is the final film in our 2015 Holidayathon extravaganza, so next episode is back to free for all rules! Learn more a...
Movie Mastery – The Star Wars Holiday Special
December 17, 2015 16:44 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/movie-mastery-star-wars-holiday-special.mp3 So this thing is internet famous as a bizarre travesty against Star Wars right? Kind of like a Jar-Jar 1978. What the internet won’t normally tell you about the holiday special is that it is crushingly, painfully boring. Dicking around a cellphone isn’t enough to survive this thing in one viewing, you’re going to need a tablet, a second TV playing something better, carolers outside your window an...
Movie Mastery – Christmas with the Kranks
December 03, 2015 19:53 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/12/movie-mastery-christmas-with-the-kranks.mp3 There are three Movie Mastery episodes this December, and you can be sure that every single one of them will be a holiday themed film. There’s no genre of film that Jef hates more, so these should be great. Kicking it off, here’s Christmas with the Kranks, the movie guaranteed to make you hate white people, rich people, people in general, things, the concept of Christmas, and existence itself. Go...
Movie Mastery – Sinbad of the Seven Seas
November 19, 2015 21:09 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/11/movie-mastery-sinbad-of-the-seven-seas.mp3 Hot off his recent triumphant return to the role of the Incredible Hulk (in a movie where he fights Thor, you should go check it out), Lou Ferrigno hits the silver screen with his starring role in what is DEFINITELY a Cannon Films production, Sinbad of the Seven Seas. Thrill as he flexes his way out of all sorts of stupid shenanigans! Marvel at the neverending narration! Learn more about your ad c...
Movie Mastery – Mechanical Violator Hakaider
November 05, 2015 16:49 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/11/movie-mastery-mechanical-violator-hakaider.mp3 Never let it be said we won’t watch some insane random thing out of some vestigial sense of self preservation. Here, we sit down together to watch a tokusatsu film, which probably doesn’t directly translate to “All Power Rangers-y” but might as well. Mechanical Violator Hakaider is a stoic, boring Judge Robocopinator of a weird future, and boy oh boy, is he ever bulletproof. Learn more abou...
Horrortoberfest Day 29 – Infini (2015)
October 29, 2015 18:39 - 55.1 MBSometimes there’s a need for a crappy sci-fi movie where all the special effects budget went into spray painting some laser tag equipment gray. Infini is the result of one […]
Horrortoberfest Day 22 – The Woman in Black 2 (2014)
October 22, 2015 17:47 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/horrortoberfest-day-22-woman-in-black-2-2014.mp3 Ooh what a scary poster of a moment that doesn’t occur in the film at all! In this picture a bunch of british WW2 orphans are shipped off to the dumbest possible location for an orphanage, and then ghost stuff starts happening. Probably. The film could really use a flashlight, or a full moon, anything that emits light. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Horrortoberfest Day 15 – The House at the End of Time (2013)
October 16, 2015 00:07 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/horrotoberfest-day-15-the-house-at-the-end-of-time-2013.mp3 This week we review a Venezuelan horror film from the depths of Netflix. This seems like it is going to be a standard, paint-by-numbers haunted house flick but there is a twist. The twist is that we finally got a horror movie that Jef doesn’t hate. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Horrortoberfest Day 8 – The Mirror (2014)
October 08, 2015 18:31 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/10/horrortoberfest-day-8-the-mirror.mp3 It’s a movie about an evil mirror but not the ones that might have popped into your head. This movie takes the bold new stance that would should really happen in a horror movie is nothing. The most evil thing this mirror did was cause this movie to be made. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Horrortoberfest Day 1 – Goth (2009)
October 01, 2015 15:06 - 60.8 MBThe first film of Horrortoberfest season is always a special one. The leaves on the trees are changing and the songs of merriment fill the air as laughing children dash […]
Movie Mastery – Yor the Hunter from the Future
September 24, 2015 05:54 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/09/movie-mastery-yor-the-hunter-from-the-future.mp3 Yes! A Reb Brown movie! We were waiting patiently for our chance to sit down with the legendary Roll Fizzlebeef, and here it is! This week we discuss Yor the Hunter from the Future, which can best be described as, and I’m reaching with this metaphor a little, a bullshit film that sucks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Big Money Rustlas
September 10, 2015 18:03 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/09/movie-mastery-big-money-rustlas.mp3 Twenty years from now college professors will use this episode as a teachable moment. It’d be nice if it was about how to properly review films, but actually it’ll just be on what ongoing Stockholm Syndrome sounds like. We watch two clown rappers shoot guns and spout catchphrases, and then come back to tell you that it’s actually amazing. Really. For real. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaph...
Movie Mastery – Wing Commander
August 27, 2015 16:18 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/movie-mastery-wing-commander.mp3 Wing Commander is a film we watched. It was filmed in Luxembourg. Luxembourg is the last remaining Grand Duchy in the world, and is the country where popular internet communication company Skype makes its home. They speak Luxembourgish there. Wing Commander stars Freddie Prinze Jr., Saffron Burrows, and Matthew Lillard. Other famous Freds and Matthews include Flintstone and Modine. The other famous Saffr...
Movie Mastery – D&D: Wrath of the Dragon God
August 13, 2015 19:01 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/movie-mastery-dd-wrath-of-the-dragon-god.mp3 It’s our second anniversary and we’re making it D&D Sequel Week, so here’s a horrible D&D sequel, Wrath of the Dragon God. Have you ever wondered what would happen if you actually wrote a movie based around the silly rules and abstractions of tabletop games, without worrying so much about story structure? Spoiler alert, it’d be terrible! Enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone....
Movie Mastery – The Day After
August 06, 2015 07:01 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/movie-mastery-the-day-after.mp3 Are you sufficiently frightened of nuclear attack? This TV movie dares ask the question “How will global thermonuclear war affect a young Steve Guttenberg?” Now fill your family condom with popcorn and sit a spell so Jason Robards can spin you a yarn of cold war terror! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Wizards
July 29, 2015 17:11 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/movie-mastery-ralph-bakshis-wizards.mp3 Is this really a movie about a fat little wizard and his nearly-nude fairy companion trying to defeat a Nazi wizard leading an army of mutants against an army of elves, set 10 million years from now? It is. Does all that craziness add up to anything good? It does not. Let’s talk about Ralph Bakshi’s Wizards! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Zardoz
July 15, 2015 17:23 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/movie-mastery-zardoz.mp3 While our initial plan for Mommie Dearest fell through this week, we press on undaunted, reroll the Movie Mastery Dice (currently a D17) and land on Zardoz, the movie where Sean Connery’s junk is the future! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Master of Disguise
July 02, 2015 04:33 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/movie-mastery-master-of-disguise.mp3 It’s that Dana Carvey vehicle! Here, I’ll sum up exactly how you remember it: “Turtle, turtle.” Boy, don’t you want to know exactly what sort of package that famous catchphrase comes wrapped up in? This week, we settle in to review Master of Disguise, and it’s nothing like we expected, except for that we did expect it to be bad. Next week, we’ll finally have the guest host like we’ve been planning! K...
Movie Mastery 2 – Dead Heat
June 20, 2015 23:01 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/movie-mastery-dead-heat.mp3 Treat Williams. Joe Piscopo. Vincent Price briefly. The dad from A Christmas Story. Some 80s ladies. All that and more crowd the screen searching for glory in the 1988 …hit? No… offering! There we go. The 1988 offering Dead Heat. We’re trying out our new format for Movie Mastery, and here’s the basics: 1. We get recommendations from the listeners. 2. We add those recommendations to a big list. 3. We sel...
Movie Mastery – Left Behind (2014)
June 05, 2015 03:22 - 51 minuteshttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2015/06/movie-mastery-left-behind-20141.mp3 What, it was a lazy Thursday afternoon! System Mastery has already reviewed a few other movies. Dungeons and Dragons, a weird Carrie sequel, whatever the heck Frankenqueen was, and so on. It’s fun stuff for fun people. This time we flopped down in front of Netflix and took in Left Behind, the rapture movie that’s afraid to say Rapture. Hey, does anyone actually like these movie reviews when we do them?...
Horrortoberfest 2014: Day 12 – The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999)
October 13, 2014 04:10 - 57.4 MBHorrortoberfest 12 – The Rage Carrie 2 Today we give way more thought to the ideas behind this Carrie sequel than the original writers of the screenplay did. We go […]
Decemberpalooza Day 6 – Jack Frost (1998) Podcast Edition!
December 07, 2013 15:38 - 55.1 MBLook, if you build a snowman with eyebrows like that, he’s obviously going to come to life and immediately announce he’s Batman to his first girlfriend on their second date. […]
Horrortoberfest Day 13 – Frankenqueen (2012)
October 14, 2013 09:36 - 41.7 MBToday’s review is special in several ways. First is that the review is done in podcast format. The second way in which this review is special is that it is […]