Movie Mastery
235 episodes - English - Latest episode: 4 days ago - ★★★★★ - 67 ratingsJef and Jon review movies by randomly rolling on an audience-submitted list.
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Episodes
In Theaters Now – Avengers: Infinity War
May 03, 2018 23:52 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/05/movie-mastery-avengers-infinity-war.mp3 You didn’t vote for it but we went to see it anyway. It’s anarchy here over at Movie Mastery studios. Jef is gone and has been replaced by fan favorite, Claire. It’s all topsy-turvy and the whole world is blowing up. In the movie, too. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – The ALF Movie (1987)
April 01, 2018 16:06 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/04/movie-mastery-the-alf-movie.mp3 Hah! He kills us. This almost embarrassingly cheap TV special takes Alf on a grand tour of… some B-roll footage of Chicago. We meet ALF’s brother Mitch (yes, we know the cartoon said his brother’s name was Curtis), and the government agent tasked with catching them both. What branch of government? Shut up. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Theodore Rex (1995)
March 22, 2018 23:39 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/03/movie-mastery-theodore-rex.mp3 After the release of Jurassic Park, dinosaur mania was sweeping the nation. The people wanted dinosaurs and they didn’t care how they got them. Then along came this putrid attempt at a buddy cop film that wasn’t sure if it wanted to be a wacky fart-laugher for kids or a dystopic Judge Dredd-esque cop story. Truly a wake up call for us that maybe we had a problem. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphon...
Movie Mastery – Helldriver (2010)
March 09, 2018 06:37 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/03/movie-mastery-helldriver.mp3 It’s like someone took the storyboard for an amazing, nutty zombie movie and then let the most boring person alive edit it. If you thought that the one thing that high adrenaline action horror movies needed was turning what would be an establishing shot into an entire scene of a movie then I guess you’re in luck. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – Black Panther
February 22, 2018 22:14 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/02/movie-mastery-black-panther.mp3 From the bottom of our heart shaped plants, thank you for voting for this over Fifty Shades this month. It is a rare occasion that we get to see and review movies that are even remotely decent, let alone overwhelmingly great. It’s like getting a little vacation and it’s all thanks to the voters. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – Maze Runner: The Death Cure
February 09, 2018 02:19 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/02/movie-mastery-the-death-cure.mp3 In a world where every post apocalypse scenario has come to pass, only a handful of plucky kids can save the day. Can the mega corporation with the dumbest acronym stand up to the mighty onslaught of horny teens? Find out this and more with our in depth review! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Guardians (2017)
January 26, 2018 01:15 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/01/movie-mastery-guardians.mp3 It’s time for some superhero action from the Motherland. Russia’s greatest/only heroes must band together to stop the machinations of the evil Dr. Electro-Bane. It’s like if the Fantastic Four were cosmonauts instead (yes I know about Red Ghost and the Super-Apes). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Suburban Commando (1991)
January 11, 2018 20:07 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2018/01/movie-mastery-suburban-commando.mp3 There was a time when Hollywood was trying really hard to turn Hulk Hogan into a legit movie star. With films like this, though, they skipped the standard process of turning a famous muscle man into a star which usually involves being an action hero and went straight to family comedy. It’s like if Schwarzenegger’s big film break had been Kindergarten Cop. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone....
In Theaters Now – Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle
December 28, 2017 22:29 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/12/movie-mastery-jumanji-welcome-to-the-jungle.mp3 So this isn’t a reboot or a remake, this is a sequel to the 1995 original Jumanji movie. Which is weird, because they ditch the entire conceit of the original movie where it’s the game invading the real world for a much blander “Sucked into the video game” trope. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – The Santa Clause 1, 2, and 3
December 25, 2017 18:00 - 2 hourshttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/12/movie-mastery-the-santa-clauses.mp3 Merry Christmas, everyone. As a special holiday treat we are giving you a giant-sized gift in the form of us reviewing ALL THREE Santa Clause movies. Just a warning, we get a little punch drunk after recording for two hours so it gets a bit off the rails. But that’s what the season is all about! Or something! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Deck the Halls (2006)
December 14, 2017 06:20 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/12/movie-mastery-deck-the-halls.mp3 It’s time for some seasonal fare with the first of our Bad Dads Christmas movie spectacular. Do these terrible dads not love Christmas enough? Do they love it too much? Not in the specific way the writer/director thinks one should? Well, then, time for them to get dunked on until the realize the error of their ways. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – Justice League
November 30, 2017 23:50 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/11/movie-mastery-justice-league.mp3 Beloved heroes will come together in a climactic story that will both shock and entertain you as you see the spectacle you’ve been waiting years for. That’s not until Avengers: Infinity War comes out, though, so for now you can also watch a movie where bad versions of DC heroes get clowned on until they rely on Superman Ex Machina to save the day. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – The Chipmunk Adventure (1987)
November 16, 2017 21:35 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/11/movie-mastery-the-chipmunk-adventure.mp3 You might have seen this as a kid and remember that it was a fun musical cartoon movie with characters jetting around the globe. It is that, yes, but it is also so much more. This film exists in a universe that is begging to be unraveled and this episode we tear into the meaty flesh to expose what lies beneath. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties (2006)
November 02, 2017 23:48 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/11/movie-mastery-garfield-a-tale-of-two-kitties.mp3 Just as this was torture to watch, so too must this episode be torture to listen to. Sadly the audio equipment malfunctioned on this one. Rather than just lose an entire episode, we salvaged it to a listenable point and present it to you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – My Little Pony: The Movie
October 19, 2017 23:50 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/10/movie-mastery-mlp.mp3 Can the magic of friendship overcome the oppressive totalitarian regime of the Storm King and his merchandising? Probably! Special guest James D’Amato from One Shot joins us in picking apart the bizarre implications of the My Little Pony universe. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Night Train to Terror (1985)
October 06, 2017 01:29 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/10/movie-mastery-night-train-to-terror.mp3 God and the Devil must divvy up the souls of the dead in this horror anthology where everything is just super truncated clips from movies that they could get as cheap as possible to repackage. But hey, Richard Moll is in here twice though so…there’s that. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – It (2017)
September 21, 2017 20:31 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/09/movie-mastery-it.mp3 Something evil is haunting the town of Derry, Maine. It’s a clown that really likes fucking with the protagonists. Can Jon overcome his love of the original Tim Curry It? Can Jef overcome the fact that he hates horror movies and movies in general? Only one way to find out. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – The 13th Warrior (1999)
September 08, 2017 01:51 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/09/movie-mastery-13th-warrior.mp3 It turns out that not every single person that makes a suggestion for the show ends up trying to get us to watch the absolute worst nonsense available. This time we got to watch an actual decent movie adaptation of a Michael Crichton book. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2006)
August 24, 2017 08:17 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/08/movie-mastery-dungeon-siege.mp3 At some point in time Uwe Boll watched The Lord of the Rings and thought to himself, “Hey, I could do that.” Using the barest connection to a video game and some tax loopholes; he was finally able to create the poor man’s LotR. Like, the poorest man. A man so poor he can’t afford to pay attention. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – The Dark Tower
August 11, 2017 21:04 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/08/movie-mastery-dark-tower.mp3 There are other worlds than these. In one of those worlds, there was probably an adaptation of this well beloved series that received critical acclaim and went on to be like The Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. Sadly, this world will probably see this as a one-and-done semi-sequel that most people were lukewarm to at best. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
July 28, 2017 05:07 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/07/movie-mastery-valerian.mp3 Most of your favorite sci-fi has likely borrowed something from the hugely influential comic series Valerian and Laureline. Now see the adaptation of the source material that has the bravery to turn intrepid space hero Valerian into a sleazy Pick-up Artist and his competent companion/friend Laureline into a sarcastic bikini model. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Rock-a-Doodle (1992)
July 13, 2017 23:43 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/07/movie-mastery-rock-a-doodle.mp3 Get ready for an animated musical that features all of your favorite things from the genre including: Songs that last 10 seconds, useless main characters, and a total lack of moral or lesson to be learned. Don Bluth presents Rooster Elvis & Sex Chicken: A Musical Love Story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Scourge of Worlds (2003)
July 01, 2017 02:43 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/06/movie-mastery-dd-scourge-of-worlds.mp3 Join us on a magical adventure where YOU decide what happens! Well…not, you. I mean, WE decided what would happen. We had the controller and all. Anyway, it’s a choose your own adventure style cgi animated D&D movie that looks atrocious and is just as well acted. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – The Mummy (2017)
June 15, 2017 20:37 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/06/movie-mastery-the-mummy-2017.mp3 It’s time to enter a new Dark Universe. One where all the old horror movie monsters have been turned into super villains that aging action heroes must combat for the fate of the world. Get ready for car chases, explosions, and Tom Cruise running. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – Baywatch
June 02, 2017 23:50 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/06/movie-mastery-baywatch.mp3 Normally seeing that The Rock is in a movie is an assurance that it will at least be somewhat charming, if nothing else. The greatest sin of this movie isn’t the shitty script, lazy jokes, or underwhelming action. No, it’s that they managed to make Dwayne Johnson boring. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Tiptoes (2004)
May 18, 2017 07:09 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/movie-mastery-tiptoes.mp3 Yes, ok, Gary Oldman has great range and can do many characters. That said, making him walk around on his knees and pretend to be a little person is just terrible. You even had Peter Dinklage RIGHT THERE. Goddammit, movie. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Fateful Findings (2013)
May 04, 2017 04:35 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/05/movie-mastery-fateful-findings.mp3 Take a journey into the fever dream of Neil Breen. Where no plot point is too stupid to be included and no detail is too interesting to suddenly ignore entirely. A land where novelists are also the world’s best hackers and ghosts are just here to show you a book you don’t care about. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – Fate of the Furious
April 20, 2017 18:31 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/04/movie-mastery-fate-of-the-furious.mp3 Yet more Vin Diesel action in this movie that is a culmination of what the series has done so far. Which is drive fast, blow stuff up, and have some really cool people say some really stupid dialogue. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Laser Mission (1989)
April 06, 2017 20:57 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/04/movie-mastery-laser-mission.mp3 Time to delve into the mysterious world of espionage carried out by incompetent, non-government agents-for-hire. Can Michael get the diamond before the super weapon is built? Can nepotism overcome how awful this movie is to ensure Brandon Lee keeps getting work? All these questions and more answered here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Power Rangers (2017)
March 27, 2017 02:00 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/03/movie-mastery-power-rangers.mp3 Come fellows, it is the time of morphing! That’s what they always said, right? I’m not a 90s kid or whatever you needed to be to care about this. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
March 09, 2017 06:56 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/03/movie-mastery-freddy-got-fingered.mp3 This movie is the worst. Not mentioned in the review but a running “gag” in the film is his neighbor’s kid keeps getting horribly mangled by things. This managed to be one of the least terrible bits. Yup. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – Fifty Shades Darker
February 23, 2017 09:30 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/02/movie-mastery-50-shades-darker.mp3 Quick warning on this one: If you don’t want to hear about emotionally abusive relationships or really terrible sex, give this one a pass. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Blood Punch (2014)
February 09, 2017 21:09 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/02/movie-mastery-blood-punch.mp3 Think about the concept of Groundhog’s Day but it’s an action thriller movie. Got it? Ok, now instead of the super rad thing you imagined; think of the dullest version of that movie. Congrats. You’re ready to take a big swig of Blood Punch. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – xXx: Return of Xander Cage
January 26, 2017 08:16 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/movie-mastery-xxx-return-of-xander-cage.mp3 When the world is in peril and all seems lost; there is only one man that the U.S. Government can turn to. Xander Cage and his power of sassy extreme sports. Can his team of inept Xtreme morons win against a team of equal Xtreme-ness? Find out now! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Judge Dredd (1995)
January 13, 2017 05:30 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2017/01/movie-mastery-judge-dredd.mp3 A pretty horrible take on the property but it’s still probably better than the first two times they tried to make a Punisher movie. Also, for the mythology nerds out there, I know Bellerophon killed the Chimera not the Manticore. How does that reference come up, you ask? Better listen! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – Assassin’s Creed
December 30, 2016 03:01 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/12/movie-mastery-assassins-creed.mp3 The Assassin’s Creed games are all about the epic struggle between two secret societies in a deadly struggle for the fate of mankind. The Assassin’s Creed movie is all about Michael Fassbender confusedly walking around in scrubs. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Saving Christmas (2014)
December 15, 2016 07:13 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/12/movie-mastery-saving-christmas.mp3 Kirk Cameron takes some time off from his lucrative rap career to let everyone know what the holidays are really all about. Rampant, unbridled consumerism with a thin veneer of religion slapped on top. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
December 02, 2016 03:24 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/12/movie-mastery-fantastic-beasts-and-where-to-find-them.mp3 Now our review of the latest installment in the Harry Potter world which also ends up being Jef ranting about how much he hates magic in Harry Potter. It’s a long one but there’s a lot of unpack. Do you get it? Unpack? He has a suitcase with beasts in it? You get it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Dragonlance: Dragons of Autumn Twlight (2008)
November 17, 2016 05:05 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/movie-mastery-dragonlance.mp3 It’s Dungeon’s and Dragons but now it’s in cartoon form. No, not that terrible show from the 80’s. It’s the terrible movie from 2008. Be amazed as actual decent voice talent is lost in a sea of generic fantasy music and shitty editing. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Stealth (2005)
November 11, 2016 03:18 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/movie-mastery-stealth.mp3 Three sassy, sexy Navy pilots that play by their own rules are tasked with hunting down an experimental jet powered by an AI that goes haywire and now it plays by its own rules. The only rule is: There are no rules! Guest starring apples. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Horrortoberfest Day 19 – Shin Godzilla (2016) (It’s a podcast)
October 20, 2016 04:57 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/10/movie-mastery-horrortoberfest-shin-godzilla.mp3 Well, we tried, buit this is in no way a horror movie. It’s an interesting movie. It’s a cool movie. It definitely has a monster in it. But it’s not a horror movie. That’s okay though, it’s still White Ween. *Here is a brief list of things that Jef said that were wrong so you don’t need to email us about them. First Godzilla movie: 1954, not 1951. First American Godzilla movie: 1998, no...
Horrortoberfest Day 5 – The VVitch (2015) (It’s a podcast)
October 06, 2016 04:22 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/10/movie-mastery-horrortoberfest-the-witch-2015.mp3 Hey, remember how much good press this movie received? People were all like “Oooh, it’s not found footage” “Oooh it isn’t connected to Joss Whedon!” Well, here it is on Horrortoberfest now. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – Bridget Jones’s Baby
September 23, 2016 02:29 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/09/movie-mastery-bridget-joness-baby.mp3 A movie with no stakes and no tension. Thrill as Bridget Jones much choose between a handsome, rich man who loves her or a different handsome, rich man that loves her. What happens when these two suitors meet? Nothing. Nothing happens. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Dragonfyre (2013)
September 08, 2016 05:10 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/09/movie-mastery-dragonfyre.mp3 When orcs begin to invade our world, it’s up to the Poor Man’s Mark Wahlberg to stop them. He will be helped by a Porn Star in Spock Ears, a Native American Stereotype, and some redneck named Scooter. But will it be enough to stop the Ineffectual Mummy Witch? Find out here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – Suicide Squad (2016)
August 25, 2016 05:00 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/08/movie-mastery-suicide-squad.mp3 Turns out that once you get us talking about super hero related stuff we just will not shut up for any reason. This one is a super long Movie Mastery where we dissect the jumbled mess that really wants to be like a Marvel movie but is more like Guardians of the GaLAZY! Ha! Be sure to tip your waitress. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Speed Racer (2008)
August 12, 2016 01:55 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/08/movie-mastery-speed-racer-2008.mp3 This movie is sincerely lacking in Tim Curry. I know what you’re thinking, which is that most movies are sincerely lacking in Tim Curry, but you feel it a lot more in this one. We’ll explain why that’s the case, and also expound deeply on out hatred for Spridle, on today’s review of Speed Racer. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theaters Now – Ghostbusters (2016)
July 28, 2016 07:13 - 1 hourFind out who was right about this movie. Was it terrible like the angry white men on the internet that refused to see it said or was it good like literally everyone else has said? https://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/07/movie-mastery-ghostbusters-20161.mp3 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Movie Mastery – Howard the Duck (1986)
July 15, 2016 04:01 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/07/movie-mastery-howard-the-duck-1986.mp3 It was 1985, and with two years separating George Lucas from Return of the Jedi, it was a sure bet the world was his oyster, and he could make any movie he wanted. No license would be denied him, no actor could possibly turn him down. He was the brightest star in the sky, and so naturally he decided to turn to the Sal Mayerik/Steve Gerber 1972 creation that no one had ever heard of, Howard the Duck. A...
Movie Mastery – The Wizard (1989)
July 01, 2016 04:06 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/06/movie-mastery-the-wizard-1989.mp3 Well, we’ve covered two Dungeons and Dragons movies, Mazes and Monsters, and Wizards, so I guess at this point we’re just getting titles that even sort of remind people of nerd stuff. It’s that Fred Savage movie you only remember because of the power glove scene on today’s System Mastery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
In Theatres Now – Warcraft (2016)
June 17, 2016 03:17 - 1 hourhttps://systemmastery.files.wordpress.com/2016/06/in-theatres-now-warcraft-2016.mp3 More work? Yes, my lords. We watched the Warcraft movie because it’s clearly winning the June In Theaters Now poll. It was a lazy day around here, and something need doing, anyway. So join us, won’t you, for a dour joyless slog through grim Game of Thronesy Azeroth, in a movie inexplicably based on a game that is basically a massive mapped out collection of jokes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit ...