Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

#45 - 5 Signs You May Be Over-Giving

February 06, 2019 08:00 - 34 minutes - 20 MB

It's the first episode of the month, and that means we're focusing on boundary issues related to women. While both men and women can struggle with over-giving, women are particularly vulnerable to people-pleasing or saying “yes” to every request. Today, we’ll talk about five signs that you’re over-giving, and what to do about it. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #45: Most women will significantly extend — and overextend — themselves for others, but they may neglect themselves in the process...

#44 - Boundaries Quick Tips #4: Are Boundaries Selfish?

January 30, 2019 08:00 - 15 minutes - 9.39 MB

Has anyone ever told you that boundaries are selfish? Some people might claim that your boundaries are too “harsh” or “rigid,” or that boundaries are “wrong” or even “evil.” ( Yes, really!) In this episode, I’ll explore several explanations for why people might react this way, and truth about boundaries and selfishness. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #44: The least pathological explanation for why someone might think boundaries are selfish is that they simply don't understand what boundar...

#43 - Increase Your Confidence With These 5 Boundaries

January 23, 2019 08:00 - 25 minutes - 15.3 MB

This episode all about confidence! Confidence is more important than your experience, your credentials, what background you came from, or any other external factor or feature about you. That’s why it’s so important to protect it! Tune in to learn about five boundaries to help you increase your confidence. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #43: Confidence has a huge impact on how you feel about your past, your present, and your future. It’s often the only barrier between staying stuck or sett...

#42 - When Your Request Is Ignored

January 16, 2019 08:00 - 29 minutes - 17.1 MB

A question I get from time to time that always surprises me: “What do you do when you make a request of another person, and they ignore your request?” Assuming that you know that the other person heard your request, it’s painful to get no response. Today’s episode explores what to do if this happens to you. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #42: How you respond when someone ignores your request depends a lot on who you made a request of, the type of request you’ve made, and how important tha...

#41 - Boundaries Quick Tips #3 | Demands & Requests: What’s the Difference?

January 09, 2019 08:00 - 21 minutes - 12.8 MB

Thanks to all the listeners for the great feedback and questions you’ve been submitting. This episode is a response to a listener’s question about the difference between demands and requests. Tune in to learn about the difference between the two, and whether it’s possible to create a boundary with another person without making a request. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #41: Almost everyone struggles around knowing the difference between demands and requests. Even if you feel you understand...

#40 - The Listening Boundary Part 3: High Quality Listening = Higher Quality Responses

January 02, 2019 08:00 - 29 minutes - 17.3 MB

Thank you for joining me for the third and final part in my series on the complicated—but so important—listening boundary. If you’ve missed the earlier episodes, I recommend that you go back to listen to Part 1 and Part 2. Today, we’ll move from what happens to you internally as you listen to how you may want to respond. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #40: When your listening boundary is working well, you’re not only filtering what you’re hearing, but also paying very close attention to...

#39 - The Listening Boundary Part 2: How It Works

December 19, 2018 08:00 - 37 minutes - 21.8 MB

Welcome to Part 2 in my series on the listening boundary! It bears repeating that this is the most complicated of the four primary boundaries, and today, we’ll go straight into the heart of using this boundary in practice.* Biggest Takeaways From Episode #39: Listening with curiosity and the intention of knowing the other person better is the foundation for using the listening boundary well. The closer the relationship you have with someone, the more challenging it is to maintain a strong...

#38 - Safety & Sensuality (for Women)

December 12, 2018 08:00 - 32 minutes - 19.2 MB

As with every first episode of the month, this one is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. But men, that doesn’t mean you should stop listening! This information will help men have a greater understanding of women’s experiences of safety, sensuality, and sexuality, which can lead to deeper connection with the important women in your life. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #38: There’s a missing link between a woman’s experience of safety and her sexuality, or between the experienc...

#37 - The Listening Boundary Part I

November 28, 2018 16:59 - 34 minutes - 20 MB

A listener asked for an episode specifically dedicated to the practice of the listening boundary. As I started working through what I wanted to talk about, I realized there’s too much to fit into one episode, so this will be a series. This is the first part; the second part will air in two weeks. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #37: The listening boundary is how we take in, filter, and ultimately respond to incoming information, whether verbal or written. This is the most difficult, challe...

#36 - Boundaries Quick Tips #2 - Needs & Wants: What’s the Difference?

November 21, 2018 08:00 - 21 minutes - 12.5 MB

This week's episode is the second in a series I started last month—Boundaries Quick Tips. These short, laser-focused episodes will give you quick tips and tools for learning about, or upleveling, your understanding and practice of healthy boundaries. This Quick Tips episode is an answer to a listener’s question about how to identify needs and wants. You’ll also learn how to tell the difference between needs and wants. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #36: A want is something that is desired...

#35 - Holidays + Boundaries = More Joy

November 14, 2018 08:00 - 19 minutes - 11.6 MB

Ready or not, the holidays are coming! And today I want to talk about how to navigate this potentially tricky season with good self-care and better boundaries. It’s simple, but not easy. In this episode, I’ll talk about how the quality of your boundaries impacts your experience of the holidays, and make some recommendations about how you can navigate this season with more ease and joy. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #35: Adults have the right to decide how they spend their time, and with ...

#34 - Women, Choose Self-Care Over Self-Sacrifice

November 07, 2018 08:00 - 29 minutes - 17.4 MB

As the first episode of the month, this one is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. I’m extremely confident, though, that at least a few men will relate to this one! This topic is inspired by a listener’s question on how to get others to respect your boundaries instead of reacting with blame or shame. In this episode, I’ll give you tools and strategies to navigate these types of situations. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #34: When someone tries to send you on a guilt trip, you ...

#33 - When You Lose Yourself in Relationships

October 31, 2018 07:00 - 34 minutes - 20.4 MB

Do you ever feel like you lose yourself in your relationships, or like you defer too much to what your partner wants to do? Or maybe you feel like you over-value the other person, and under-value yourself. In today's episode, I answer a listener’s question about what to do when you think you may have given up too much of yourself in a relationship. This dynamic can happen in intimate relationships, friendships, and family relationships. Sound familiar? Then this episode for you! Biggest Ta...

#32 - Boundaries Quick Tips #1: So, You’re Offended?

October 24, 2018 07:00 - 16 minutes - 10.2 MB

Welcome to the first of many “Boundaries Quick Tips” episodes. These short episodes will be laser-focused on tips, tools, and strategies for you to learn about while up-leveling your boundary work. This one will tell you exactly what to do when you get offended by what someone else does, or they get offended by something you did, or didn't do. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #32: If someone in your life has ever been angry with you for something you did, said, didn’t do, or didn’t say,...

#31 - Rest, Rejuvenation, & Boundaries

October 17, 2018 07:00 - 21 minutes - 12.8 MB

Today’s episode is all about rest, rejuvenation, and boundaries, which absolutely relate to one another! I’ll explain why rest is so important and why it’s so difficult to unplug in our uber-connected, device saturated world. I’ll also give you some tips on how to truly rest and enter into states of being rather than doing, and why rest is crucial for health, creativity, and even productivity. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #31: To create spaces of time off—whether for a few hours or a fe...

#30 - Women, I Know Why You Didn't Tell

October 03, 2018 07:00 - 28 minutes - 26.4 MB

Biggest Takeaways From Episode #30: Everything that happens to us is our private information. We get to decide when to share that information, how, and with whom. This is a good starting point for thinking about the topic of sharing experiences involving sexual abuse, harassment, or assault. There are many reasons that a woman might not share her experiences of sexual abuse, harassment, or assault. In today’s episode, you’ll hear about the eight most common: You were told that somethin...

#29 - 4 Ways Your Boundaries Help Those You Love

September 26, 2018 07:00 - 29 minutes - 27.4 MB

This episode is inspired by a blog comment. I’m often asked how to communicate boundaries in a way that doesn’t hurt or upset the other person involved, or make them unhappy. However, creating boundaries offers benefits not only for yourself, but also for your loved ones. Today, you’ll learn four ways in which this can happen. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #29: When you start learning about boundary work, it can be almost impossible to believe that the important people in your life would...

#28 - Is Free Speech Really Free?

September 19, 2018 07:00 - 28 minutes - 26.5 MB

There's been a lot of talk recently about free speech—specifically, news stories about a somewhat infamous media figure who was banned from several major social media sites. It got me to thinking about the limits of free speech, which is all about boundaries. In this episode I'll talk about why boundaries have a lot to do with free speech, as well as how freedom of speech operates in both physical and virtual space. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #28: Although each of us is free to say or...

#27 - When You've Got Nothing But a Hunch, Can You Set a Boundary?

September 12, 2018 07:00 - 32 minutes - 29.9 MB

Today’s episode was inspired by a listener’s great question. She was completing a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier, and while working through Step 1 (Knowing Your Reality), she realized she only had a hunch, rather than any hard data. She wanted to know if intuition, or a gut feeling, is enough to go on when you want to set a boundary. In general, the answer is “yes,” but you need to know some specifics before proceeding. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #27: Intuition is "the ability to ...

#26 - Navigating & Negotiating Women’s Needs for Safety

September 05, 2018 07:00 - 42 minutes - 39.1 MB

As with every first episode of the month, this one is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. I was inspired by a recent incident in my own life that made me even more aware that there are stark differences between the way women and men perceive safety or danger, and their relative needs for safety. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #26: Boundaries are about protection and creating safety for ourselves and others. If women and men have a different perception about safety in general, ...

#25 - Part 2 Accountability & Intimacy: Who Decides Whether You're Being Accountable?

August 29, 2018 07:00 - 24 minutes - 23.3 MB

What do you do if someone is trying to hold you accountable, but you don’t think you’ve done anything to be accountable for? What if you don’t feel sorry or remorseful for a minor mistake that you’ve made? What if someone is using accountability as a weapon and using it as a tool to blame, punish, or shame you? Accountability can be a confusing, complex, and messy topic, and this episode will answer all these questions—and more. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #25: When someone confronts y...

#24 - The Politician (No, Not That One)

August 22, 2018 16:06 - 27 minutes - 25.5 MB

Today’s episode is all about The Politician. And no, not that one! No matter which politician comes to mind, I’m not talking about him or her. Instead, what I call The Politician is a powerful communication tool that politicians, pundits, and political operatives have all mastered, and one that you should too. It’s a simple tool, but a very difficult one to use. I’ll teach you all about it, and give you tips on how to practice it when you need it. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #24: T...

#23 - TMI, and Other Problems When Sharing Personal Information

August 15, 2018 07:00 - 29 minutes - 27.6 MB

I don’t hear the term “TMI” (which stands for “too much information") much anymore, but it perfectly fits what we’ll be exploring in this episode. Some of us tend to share too much, while others tend not to share as much as we should. This episode includes a homework assignment you can complete after you listen that will help you figure out with whom and how much to share—using what I call the Zones of Intimacy and the Zones of Privacy. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #23: Sharing pers...

#22 - Want More Intimacy? Accountability is Key

August 08, 2018 07:00 - 30 minutes - 28.1 MB

We all make mistakes or break a commitments from time to time—myself included. Just last week, I was supposed to release a podcast episode about women and boundaries, but it completely slipped my mind that it was the first episode of the month. When things like that happen, the key is to be accountable, plain and simple. Sometimes a simple apology is enough, but for higher-level broken agreements or boundary violations, you'll need a higher level of repair or amends. Tune into this episode t...

#21 - Is it Secret or Private? How to Practice Honesty with Boundaries

August 01, 2018 15:20 - 32 minutes - 30.5 MB

For most of us, the line between secrecy and privacy can get blurry. If you’ve ever wondered whether something is secret or private, you’re in good company! Most people struggle to tell the difference. Fortunately, there are three simple questions you can ask yourself to determine whether something is secret or private, whether it’s your own information or information someone else has withheld from you. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #21: Secret information is intentionally withheld f...

#20 - Making Anger Your Ally

July 25, 2018 07:00 - 37 minutes - 34.7 MB

Do you have too much anger? Or not enough? If either of these are true for you, this episode will illuminate the many ways anger can be a gift. I’ll also explore the consequences of not expressing anger appropriately, and teach you how to own your anger so that you can make it an ally. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #20: Most of us don’t have a good relationship with anger. We usually experience anger at the extremes, or we're afraid of it. When you have a healthy relationship with a...

#19 - When They Go Low… We Go Lower

July 18, 2018 07:00 - 36 minutes - 33.8 MB

Today’s episode is all about what's called “offending from the victim position.” It's such a crucial concept to understand when it comes to healthy boundaries that I am dedicating this episode to Pia Mellody, who coined the term. I’ll go into depth to explain what offending from the victim position means, as well as why it’s so problematic. I’ll also share some tips to avoid this boundary-less and problematic behavior. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #19: To offend means to cause to feel u...

#18 - The Knife & The Spatula: Knowing When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

July 11, 2018 07:00 - 29 minutes - 27.4 MB

Today’s title may sound cryptic and odd, but by the time you’ve listened to this episode, I promise you will totally get it! I'll cover what is called the "internal boundary" using a recent event from my own life that will help clarify exactly what the internal boundary is and how it works. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #18: The internal boundary is the boundary that all of us have—or should have. When you experience an event or situation, you filter that experience through your percepti...

#17 - Yes, No & Maybe: Sexual Boundaries for Women with Sheri Winston

July 05, 2018 14:45 - 54 minutes - 50.2 MB

I'm delighted to have Sheri Winston on the podcast today as my guest to talk about sexual boundaries! Sheri is a Wholistic Sexuality teacher and an award-winning author. In our conversation today, we’ll explore in-depth the topic of sexuality and boundaries, particularly for women—but also for men, and anyone in between. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #17: Far from being boring or bad, boundaries create freedom. If you have a hard time appreciating the benefits of boundaries, think about ...

#16 - You, Technology & Boundaries

June 27, 2018 19:01 - 41 minutes - 38.2 MB

When you take a moment to think about you, technology, and boundaries, don't you feel the guilt and pressure? Most of us have a love/hate relationship with technology, and struggle to create boundaries around tech. In this episode, I'll help you define your boundaries around technology and inspire you to own technology, rather than letting technology own you. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #16: When you hear the word “consumption” you probably think of food. In reality, you are consum...

#15: When Boundaries are Successful . . . or Not (Step 5 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)

June 20, 2018 07:00 - 34 minutes - 32.5 MB

This is the fifth of a five-part series taking a deeper dive into each step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. If you haven’t heard the episodes covering the first four steps, go back to Episode #10 and start there so that you can get a firm foundation for all five steps. Today, you’ll learn how to evaluate the results of your boundary work, and what to do if the boundary you attempted to set wasn't as successful as you had hoped. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #15: If the boundary ...

#14: Taking Action! (Step 4 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)

June 13, 2018 07:00 - 35 minutes - 32.9 MB

After last week’s episode on the topic of women and boundaries, we’re returning to our deeper dive into each step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. This episode will focus on Step 4: Taking Action. If you haven’t already heard the first three steps of the 5-SBS, go back and listen to Episodes #10-12. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #14: When you're planning what action to take, you need to know whether you have a contract (agreement) with another person, or whether it’s just an expe...

#13: Why Are You Putting Up Walls? Women, Boundaries, and Connection

June 06, 2018 07:00 - 35 minutes - 33.3 MB

The first episode of every month is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. Most women experience apprehension, fear, pushback, resistance, or even hostility when they attempt to establish or improve their boundaries. In this episode, I set the record straight about why it is absolutely not true that you are "putting up walls" when setting personal and relationship boundaries. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #13: Every time you set a boundary by saying “no,” you're saying “yes” to ...

#12: Your Power Center (Step 3 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)

May 30, 2018 07:00 - 31 minutes - 29.8 MB

Today you’ll learn about the third step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process, Identifying Your Power Center. (If you haven’t already heard the previous two episodes, I recommend listening to them first.) Most of us have a conflicted, or even negative, relationship with power. Step 3 is all about identifying your power center. Tune in to learn all about power: what it is, its negative and positive aspects, and how to use it as you are developing better personal and relationship boundaries....

#11: Getting Your Needs Met (Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)

May 23, 2018 07:00 - 31 minutes - 29.7 MB

This episode covers Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. If you’re tuning in for the first time, I recommend going back to last week’s episode to work through Step 1 before you dive into this show! Step 2 is all about identifying your needs and creating a vision for the outcome you want, so that you can get your needs met. It’s important to remember that the outcome you envision needs to be specific, measurable, and clear. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #11: If you aren’t aware...

#10: Knowing and Owning Your Reality (Step 1 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution)

May 16, 2018 07:00 - 27 minutes - 25.3 MB

Today and for the next four episodes, I’m going to take a deeper dive into each step of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process. The first step, which is what I’ll be covering in this episode, is knowing and owning your reality. When you're working on any issue, you've got to start with knowing exactly what your reality is—what is true for you—and Step 1 will help you do just that. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #10: There are three parts to knowing your reality: identifying the data (or wha...

#9: Introduction to the 5-Step Boundary Solution

May 09, 2018 07:00 - 41 minutes - 38.7 MB

In this episode, you’ll learn the basics of a boundary-setting process I created called the 5-Step Boundary Solution. The 5-Step Boundary Solution (5-SBS) is a step-by-step formula that walks you through the process of identifying, creating, and maintaining healthy and effective boundaries. Although the 5-SBS process can be useful for boundaries of all kinds, it was created and is intended for use in adult-adult relationships. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #9: The five steps of the 5-SBS...

#8: Celebrate the No!

May 02, 2018 07:00 - 34 minutes - 32.1 MB

The first episode of each month is dedicated to the topic of women and boundaries. In this episode, we’ll dig into the topic of saying "no." I’ll talk about why "no" should be celebrated whether we’re saying it or others are they're saying it to us. We’ll also explore strategies and tools to help you avoid saying “yes” when you really want to say “no.” Biggest Takeaways From Episode #8: “No” is a complete sentence, and the ultimate boundary. It’s a hard stop, and is is a non-negotiable bo...

#7: Six Common Mistakes People Make When Setting Boundaries

April 25, 2018 07:00 - 31 minutes - 29.5 MB

If you’re worried about making mistakes when setting boundaries, this episode is for you! I’ll share the six most common mistakes people make when they’re getting started with boundary work. You’ll also learn helpful, easy-to-learn strategies for avoiding these mistakes so that you can take your boundary work to the next level. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #7: There are six common mistakes in setting boundaries: not understanding power by either underestimating or overestimating how muc...

#6: What to Expect When You Set Boundaries (+Non-Negotiable Boundaries)

April 18, 2018 07:00 - 39 minutes - 36.5 MB

You’ll learn about the kind of responses or reactions you’re likely to encounter as you start setting or improving your boundaries. We’ll also talk about non-negotiable boundaries—what they are and how you go about establishing them. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #6: When you start setting boundaries, or changing existing ones, you should expect that you're going to get a range of negative responses or reactions. Responses can range from simple resistance or pushback all the way to hosti...

#5: Four Signs That You May Need to Set a Boundary

April 11, 2018 07:00 - 24 minutes - 22.5 MB

I return to our look at foundations of good boundary work, after taking a slight detour last week to talk about women and boundaries. You’ll learn four signs that you might need to set a boundary: feeling anger, resentment (or victim-anger), out-of-control, overwhelmed, or getting feedback from other people that you’re overstepping limits or are a chronic boundary pusher. Recognizing these four signs, and assessing whether you want to set a boundary, is a great beginning to developing health...

#4: Women and Boundaries: Struggles and Strengths

April 04, 2018 07:00 - 35 minutes - 32.9 MB

Every first episode of each month focuses on women and boundaries. Women are vulnerable in ways that men aren't, and the inherent power imbalances in society can contribute to women experiencing more boundary violations. I discuss why these imbalances exist, some of the inherent strengths women have and how those strengths can contribute to boundary challenges. I will devote the first episode of each month to the topic of women and boundaries—so be sure to tune in! Biggest Takeaways From E...

#3: Boundaries in Balance (and at the Extremes) + Boundary Ruptures and Boundary Violations

March 28, 2018 07:03 - 29 minutes - 27.7 MB

I cover the whole spectrum of boundaries—from boundary-less to walled off, including what boundaries look like when they’re in balance. Plus, I’ll talk about the difference between boundary ruptures and boundary violations and give plenty examples of each. Boundary ruptures and boundary violations can be traumatic, and in future episodes, I’ll be going into detail about how to respond when someone breaks an agreement with you or violates a boundary. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #3: To u...

#2: What Good Boundaries Can Do For You + The 5 Types and Two Functions of Boundaries

March 28, 2018 07:02 - 36 minutes - 33.7 MB

Today I dive deeper into defining boundaries so that you can understand the different types and how they function. One of the most important concepts in this episode is that physical and sexual boundaries are non-negotiable—meaning a “no” to physical or sexual touch is not negotiable. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #2: Boundaries give you a sense of safety, create clarity, and help you make important improvements in your life as you set limits. Good boundary-setting skills give you the ...

#1: Boundaries: What They Are and Why They’re So Misunderstood

March 28, 2018 07:00 - 34 minutes - 31.7 MB

In this first episode, I want to begin laying the foundation for you to create your very best personal and relationship boundaries. So many people are either uninformed or misinformed about boundaries, and I want you to have all the information you need to help you feel more confident about how boundaries work. Biggest Takeaways From Episode #1: If you’re feeling clueless about how personal and relationship boundaries work, or you think they’re selfish, rigid, or bitchy, you’re in the rig...