Behind The Line
133 episodes - English - Latest episode: 6 months ago - ★★★★★ - 5 ratingsCreated for First Responders and Front Line Workers to tackle the challenges of working on the front lines. Dig into topics on burnout, workplace dynamics, managing mental health, balancing family life...and so much more. Created and hosted by Lindsay Faas, clinical counsellor and trauma therapist. View the show notes, and access bonus resources at https://my.thrive-life.ca/behind-the-line.
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Episodes
Flipping Love Languages Upside Down: Caring & Processing
December 26, 2023 14:55 - 30 minutes - 28.2 MBShow Notes: **Rate & Review Behind the Line on Apple Podcast – here ** Picking up on last episode, this episode dives deeper into personal applications of The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Today we look at specific ways to apply love languages to meeting personal needs for building yourself up, interrupting tendencies to tear yourself down, and considerations in processing traumatic experiences and high stress exposure. This episode leans heavy on the episode before, so if you...
Flipping Love Languages Upside Down: A New Take on a Classic
December 12, 2023 14:55 - 22 minutes - 20.4 MBShow Notes: **Rate & Review Behind the Line on Apple Podcast – here ** The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is one of the go-to books and resources for couples therapists and people seeking to care for each other well. But what if this same principle could go well beyond applications for couples and actually become a staple way that we think about ourselves, our needs, and be used as a tangible tool to build ourselves up and stop tearing ourselves down?? In this episode we are cov...
"That's What You Signed Up For": Seeking More Supportive Support
November 28, 2023 14:55 - 24 minutes - 22.2 MBShow Notes: **Rate & Review Behind the Line on Apple Podcast – here ** I recently had a listener reach out and share about an experience where she was sharing that she had suffered a hard critical incident to a close friend, and the friends response was, “well, that’s what you signed up for.” Last episode I offered my rant-y thoughts on the matter and promised to put together a follow-up episode to offer some alternative ways loved ones can offer support and ways that First Respo...
"That's What You Signed Up For": An Angry Tirade by Lindsay
November 14, 2023 14:55 - 25 minutes - 23.7 MBShow Notes: **Rate & Review Behind the Line on Apple Podcast – here ** I recently had a listener reach out and share about an experience where she was sharing that she had suffered a hard critical incident to a close friend, and the friends response was, “well, that’s what you signed up for.” …And my response may not have been all the therapeutic, helpful, responsive pieces it could/would/should have been…it may have sounded more like, “just go fuck right off”. Admittedly, perh...
Above & Beyond with Patrick Greenhill, Law Enforcement
October 31, 2023 13:55 - 45 minutes - 40.7 MBShow Notes: **Rate & Review Behind the Line on Apple Podcast – here ** Welcome to our final installment of "Above and Beyond", a series through October spotlighting the efforts of 3 amazing helping professionals who have taken their experiences and sought out ways to use their stories to support others in First Response and Front Line work. Today, I am joined by Patrick Greenhill. Among his accomplishments, Sgt. Greenhill was the Program Coordinator for Safe Passages, an initiativ...
Above & Beyond with Michael Sugrue, retired Law Enforcement
October 17, 2023 13:55 - 41 minutes - 44 MBShow Notes: **Rate & Review Behind the Line on Apple Podcast – here ** Welcome to our second installment of "Above and Beyond", a series through October spotlighting the efforts of 3 amazing helping professionals who have taken their experiences and sought out ways to use their stories to support others in First Response and Front Line work. Today, I am joined by Michael Sugrue, retired law enforcement and co-author of “Relentless Courage: Winning the Battle Against Front Line Tra...
Above & Beyond with Nathan Kapler, Retired RCMP
October 03, 2023 13:55 - 53 minutes - 122 MBShow Notes: **Rate & Review Behind the Line on Apple Podcast – here ** We're BACK!!! It has felt like a long but genuinely refreshing break and I am SO excited and grateful to be back in your inbox once again to share about a new season of the Behind the Line podcast, highlighting wellness strategies for hardworking helping professionals. I hope that you have been able to find pockets of calm, joy, silliness and connection over the course of your summertime, and that you and your...
Wholehearted Helping: Retaining Humanity in Hard Jobs with Dr. Hillary McBride
June 27, 2023 13:55 - 49 minutes - 113 MBShow Notes: **Rate & Review Behind the Line on Apple Podcast – here ** Have you ever felt like to do your job you are sacrificing parts of your soul? Like you have lost parts of your self and your belief in goodness? Front Line jobs demand a lot and expose you to some of the worst moments for people. Beyond the calls, the lack of support from the systems that “support” you can also undermine any sense of ok-ness. Retaining your sense of humanity and goodness and keeping your whole...
Wholehearted Helping: Retaining Humanity in Hard Jobs with Jake Khym
June 20, 2023 13:55 - 1 hour - 144 MBShow Notes: **Rate & Review Behind the Line on Apple Podcast – here ** Have you ever felt like to do your job you are sacrificing parts of your soul? Like you have lost parts of your self and your belief in goodness? Front Line jobs demand a lot and expose you to some of the worst moments for people. Beyond the calls, the lack of support from the systems that “support” you can also undermine any sense of ok-ness. Retaining your sense of humanity and goodness and keeping your whole...
Blast From The Past: Daring Leadership Part 8
June 13, 2023 13:55 - 29 minutes - 17.9 MBShow Notes: We are finishing re-sharing a "Blast from the Past" series that I did back in Season 1 of Behind the Line. It was one of my favourite series and I think really important content for those who may have missed it the first time. The series takes a look at Brené Brown's work in her book, Dare to Lead, and discusses applications to helping professions where it is absolutely IMPERATIVE that we improve leadership and systems, because they are hella broken. I hope you'll share...
Blast From The Past: Daring Leadership Part 7
June 06, 2023 13:55 - 58 minutes - 46.8 MBShow Notes: We are continuing to re-share a "Blast from the Past" series that I did back in Season 1 of Behind the Line. It was one of my favourite series and I think really important content for those who may have missed it the first time. The series takes a look at Brené Brown's work in her book, Dare to Lead, and discusses applications to helping professions where it is absolutely IMPERATIVE that we improve leadership and systems, because they are hella broken. I hope you'll sha...
Blast From The Past: Daring Leadership Part 6
May 30, 2023 13:55 - 1 hour - 50.2 MBShow Notes: We are continuing to re-share a "Blast from the Past" series that I did back in Season 1 of Behind the Line. It was one of my favourite series and I think really important content for those who may have missed it the first time. The series takes a look at Brené Brown's work in her book, Dare to Lead, and discusses applications to helping professions where it is absolutely IMPERATIVE that we improve leadership and systems, because they are hella broken. I hope you'll sha...
Blast From The Past: Daring Leadership Part 5
May 23, 2023 13:55 - 28 minutes - 29.9 MBShow Notes: We are continuing to re-share a "Blast from the Past" series that I did back in Season 1 of Behind the Line. It was one of my favourite series and I think really important content for those who may have missed it the first time. The series takes a look at Brené Brown's work in her book, Dare to Lead, and discusses applications to helping professions where it is absolutely IMPERATIVE that we improve leadership and systems, because they are hella broken. I hope you'll sha...
Blast From The Past: Daring Leadership Part 4
May 16, 2023 13:55 - 28 minutes - 28 MBShow Notes: We are continuing to re-share a "Blast from the Past" series that I did back in Season 1 of Behind the Line. It was one of my favourite series and I think really important content for those who may have missed it the first time. The series takes a look at Brené Brown's work in her book, Dare to Lead, and discusses applications to helping professions where it is absolutely IMPERATIVE that we improve leadership and systems, because they are hella broken. I hope you'll sha...
Blast From The Past: Daring Leadership Part 3
May 09, 2023 13:55 - 24 minutes - 24.5 MBShow Notes: We are continuing to re-share a "Blast from the Past" series that I did back in Season 1 of Behind the Line. It was one of my favourite series and I think really important content for those who may have missed it the first time. The series takes a look at Brené Brown's work in her book, Dare to Lead, and discusses applications to helping professions where it is absolutely IMPERATIVE that we improve leadership and systems, because they are hella broken. I hope you'll sha...
Blast From The Past: Daring Leadership Part 2
May 02, 2023 13:55 - 25 minutes - 25.5 MBShow Notes: For the next several weeks I am re-sharing a "Blast from the Past" series that I did back in Season 1 of Behind the Line. It was one of my favourite series and I think really important content for those who may have missed it the first time. The series takes a look at Brené Brown's work in her book, Dare to Lead, and discusses applications to helping professions where it is absolutely IMPERATIVE that we improve leadership and systems, because they are hella broken. I ho...
Blast From The Past: Daring Leadership Part 1
April 25, 2023 13:55 - 19 minutes - 19.5 MBShow Notes: For the next several weeks I am re-sharing a "Blast from the Past" series that I did back in Season 1 of Behind the Line. It was one of my favourite series and I think really important content for those who may have missed it the first time. The series takes a look at Brené Brown's work in her book, Dare to Lead, and discusses applications to helping professions where it is absolutely IMPERATIVE that we improve leadership and systems, because they are hella broken. I ho...
Family of Front Line Heroes: Jackie & Kathy
April 18, 2023 13:55 - 1 hour - 57 MBShow Notes: Today we are continuing our new series called “Family of Front Line Heroes” where I get the chance to speak with spouses and adult children of front line helpers who will be sharing about their experiences, the challenges they have faced, the joys associated with supporting someone on the front lines, and the needs they see for both front line helpers and the families that love them. My hope is that all of you listening will also encourage your family members to listen ...
Family of Front Line Heroes: Heels & Holster, Kristen
April 11, 2023 13:55 - 1 hour - 56 MBShow Notes: Today we are continuing our new series called “Family of Front Line Heroes” where I get the chance to speak with spouses and adult children of front line helpers who will be sharing about their experiences, the challenges they have faced, the joys associated with supporting someone on the front lines, and the needs they see for both front line helpers and the families that love them. My hope is that all of you listening will also encourage your family members to listen ...
Family of Front Line Heroes: Proud Police Wife, Rebecca Lynn
April 04, 2023 13:55 - 1 hour - 61.1 MBShow Notes: Today we are digging in to a new series called “Family of Front Line Heroes” where I get the chance to speak with spouses and adult children of front line helpers who will be sharing about their experiences, the challenges they have faced, the joys associated with supporting someone on the front lines, and the needs they see for both front line helpers and the families that love them. My hope is that all of you listening will also encourage your family members to listen...
In The Thick of It: Small Steps for Quick Wins Part 4
March 28, 2023 13:55 - 19 minutes - 17.1 MBShow Notes: I am so glad to have you here and with me today as we wrap up our series on small steps for quick wins. Today I want to share some of the top ways you can use your body to help your brain and support your mental health, wellness and resilience. Your brain and body are an intertwined system. Your brain offers feedback to your body, and likewise, your body offers feedback to your brain. When we know how the brain and body connect with one another, we can use the body a...
In The Thick of It: Small Steps for Quick Wins Part 3
March 21, 2023 13:55 - 16 minutes - 14.6 MBShow Notes: Continuing our “In the Thick of It: Small Steps for Quick Wins” series, today we are talking about brain building exercises to support resilience. For the purpose of todays episode, I want you to think of your brain like a muscle. Really, like a group of muscles. Each region of your brain performs different jobs to serve your needs, and much like a muscle, the more one region is used, the stronger it gets. I’ve used this example before, but it’s been a long time and ...
In the Thick of It: Small Steps for Quick Wins Part 2
March 14, 2023 13:55 - 15 minutes - 14 MBShow Notes: We are coming back to our new series, “In the Thick of It: Small Steps for Quick Wins”. During this series I will be bringing you some of my favourite tools. These are things that are not rocket science, are totally able to be integrated into your life, no matter how crazy and chaotic it is, and that are guaranteed to make a difference if you apply them consistently. I teased this one a bit at the end of last week’s episode, so you might already know that this week we...
In the Thick of It: Small Steps for Quick Wins Part 1
March 07, 2023 14:55 - 17 minutes - 15.4 MBShow Notes: During the month of March, we are going to be launching our latest series called “In the Thick of It: Small Steps for Quick Wins”. During this series I will be bringing you some of my favourite tools – things that are not rocket science, are totally able to be integrated into your life, no matter how crazy and chaotic it is, and that are guaranteed to make a difference if you apply them consistently. Today I want to tell you about one of my all time favourite tools – ...
Normal People Problems: Crisis Response Clutter Management with Simply Organized for You
February 28, 2023 14:55 - 40 minutes - 35.7 MBShow Notes: As we continue in our “Normal People Problems” series we are diving in to the common challenges of managing a home and the unique and nuanced features of staying organized while working in first response or front line work. I am delighted to be joined by the pair behind Simply Organized For You, Christine & Naddine. These two professional home organizers know their stuff and are sharing their tips for staying on top of things. Check out Simply Organized For You on the...
Normal People Problems: First Response Finances with Sandy & Albert
February 21, 2023 14:55 - 1 hour - 56.1 MBShow Notes: As we continue in our “Normal People Problems” series we are diving in to the common challenges of mastering money and the unique and nuanced features of finances while working in first response or front line work. I am honoured to be joined by Sandy Yong, author of The Money Master: What They Don’t Teach You About Wealth & Investing, and her husband, Albert Ho, nurse and author of Checkmate: How to Win The Sales Game in Healthcare. Today we touch on the challenges of...
Normal People Problems: Front Line Parenting with Karen
February 14, 2023 14:55 - 1 hour - 59.3 MBShow Notes: As we continue in our “Normal People Problems” series we are diving in to the common challenges of parenting and the unique and nuanced features of parenting while working in first response or front line work. I am thrilled to be joined by one of my favourite people on earth, Karen Peters. Karen is a child and family therapist who specializes in parenting support, and she is bringing the goods! Today we touch on the challenges of shift work, the difficulty of being pre...
Normal People Problems: Shift Work Nutrition with Raina
February 07, 2023 14:55 - 54 minutes - 44.4 MBShow Notes: Today I am joined by Raina Beugelink, a registered dietitian who is luckily (and happily) married to a first responder. She’s worked in private practice for almost ten years in weight management and chronic disease management. She feels incredibly passionate about supporting shift workers and first responders increase their energy and improve their health, as she’s seen firsthand the toll it can take on them and their families. She’s worked with police officers, dispa...
What To Do When You've "Done" The Work: Reconnecting to the World
January 31, 2023 14:55 - 24 minutes - 20.9 MBShow Notes: We have been talking about how to know when you have “done” the work of healing from trauma and stress-related concerns. We have touched on what to look for to let you know that you are through the thick of it, as well as what comes next to maintain the gains you’ve worked so hard for. Today, we are focusing in on the last major piece of the puzzle that comes when you have done the hard work of healing. To tell you about it, I am going to quote from Judith Herman’s book...
What To Do When You've "Done" The Work: Retain Resilience
January 24, 2023 14:55 - 19 minutes - 15.6 MBShow Notes: Today, I want us to talk about resilience, and how we work at retaining the resilience we have cultivated so that we don’t find ourselves in over our heads again. This piggybacks on what we talked about last week – we can’t know what we need to do for resilience if we can’t see the forest for the trees and know what’s going on for us. Awareness is ALWAYS the first and most important step – everything else works from there. Now, resilience is a word that I find has som...
What To Do When You've "Done" The Work: Assess & Adjust
January 17, 2023 14:55 - 20 minutes - 18.5 MBShow Notes: The last couple of episodes we established some of the things to look for to help guide you in knowing where you are at in the process of healing. To get here you’ve put in a ton of work, and I’m sure that it has not been easy. But, now what?? The primary focus is to stay on top of things and to maintain all you’ve worked so hard to accomplish. How do you do that? Well, this may sound too simple, but the answer is this: assess and adjust. Let’s start with assess. One ...
What To Do When You've "Done" The Work: How To Know (Part Two)
January 10, 2023 14:55 - 25 minutes - 22.3 MBShow Notes: If you missed the intro to our latest series last week, here’s a quick recap: Based on listener feedback, we received a request to talk about how to know when you’re done the work of trauma processing, and what to do once you have “done” the work of therapy or healing. If you missed last week, you’ll want to be sure to go back and start there as it was part one of a two-part intro around how to know when you’re done the work – and today’s episode follows closely as p...
What To Do When You've "Done" The Work: How To Know (Part One)
January 03, 2023 14:55 - 20 minutes - 19.2 MBShow Notes: As we kick off this new year, we are also kicking off a new series here on Behind the Line and covering a topic we haven’t tackled before. Back in the fall I put out a question to my followers on social media, and I was so grateful for the thoughtful responses. The question was simply, what would you like to hear about on the podcast? And yes, for those of you who listen but aren’t following me on facebook and Instagram, I do connect there and engage with your questions...
Quiet in the Chaos: Connection Inward & With Others
December 27, 2022 14:55 - 8 minutes - 8.88 MBShow Notes: We have been look at simplifying and finding genuine meaning in the midst of the chaos of the holiday season. This week we are focusing in on how to connect with our own selves, and how this is a stepping stone to strengthen relationships with others. Don't miss this discussion on immersing ourselves in studying our own internal landscape - it may sound a bit cooky, but it is essential!! Episode Challenge: Sit with the questions outlined in the show: What does your in...
Quiet in the Chaos: Reflect, Refine, Recharge
December 20, 2022 14:55 - 13 minutes - 11 MBShow Notes: We have been diving into simplifying and finding genuine meaning in the midst of the chaos of the holiday season. Today we are digging into what we value and looking at how this can evolve and change over time. We are talking about how to reflect on what serves us, as well as what doesn't serve us well; how to refine what we choose to better reflect what serves us meaningfully; and ways to recharge in the midst of it - both passively as well as actively. Episode Chall...
Quiet in the Chaos: Values & What Matters Most
December 13, 2022 14:55 - 10 minutes - 10 MBShow Notes: Last week we opened the conversation of finding quiet in the chaos of the holiday season and working to shape the expectations we allow to have placed on us to be more reflective of who we want to be, what feels important to us and what we choose for ourselves during this season. I shared that our family loves a lot of really meaningful traditions and rituals and I already feel like we are well into them. We have our tree up and decorated, the lights on the house, and t...
Quiet in the Chaos: Expectations & Simplifying
December 06, 2022 14:55 - 11 minutes - 12 MBShow Notes: December has arrived and we are into that time of year that many people experience as a love/hate relationship. The holiday season can come with a lot for us. There can be a lot of joy and excitement and connection, but there can also be a lot of overwhelm, stress, and grieving. For many who work in First Response and Front Line Work, there are added factors, like being on call or working over the holidays while the rest of the world seems to be allowed to hibernate an...
Impacts of Trauma: When the Body Says "No"
November 29, 2022 14:55 - 22 minutes - 22.4 MBShow Notes: We have been on a journey this whole month, talking about early indicators to be watchful for and aware of as people who work in higher risk jobs. If you’ve been listening, you’ll know that we’ve been talking about the things that let us know that we are changing, being changed, and that we need to know what to look for so that we can intervene early and catch it before we’ve gone too far down the rabbit hole. We have touched on the heavy hitters – hypervigilance, dis...
Impacts of Trauma: Numbing
November 22, 2022 14:55 - 24 minutes - 21.8 MBShow Notes: Today we are continuing in our series on the impacts of trauma, and we are really trying to focus on the early indicators that alert us that trauma is starting to take a toll. The goal we are working toward is to be able to notice these earlier so we can catch them and intervene earlier and prevent ourselves and others from landing in my office…or worse. Your job as a First Responder or Front Line Worker comes with risks – we know that. It isn’t new information. And no ...
Impacts of Trauma: Nightmares & Flashbacks
November 15, 2022 14:55 - 24 minutes - 24.4 MBShow Notes: You guys, we are back and talking some more about early indicators for trauma and stress-related injuries that are common to front line workers. We’ve been talking about how important it is to be familiar with what to look for in yourself and those around you, so you can catch things early and ensure your wellness. For your sake, for the sake of the job you love, and for the sake of those who love you. This is crucially important stuff you guys, believe me, I know – bec...
Impacts of Trauma: Dissociation
November 08, 2022 14:55 - 21 minutes - 19.3 MBShow Notes: We are continuing in a new series around what to look for and be aware of as professionals more exposed and more likely to suffer from things like PTSD and related occupational stress injuries. This comes after so much feedback that I hear about first responders and front line workers getting a lot of lip service advising to be on the lookout and conscientious about the risks for stress-related impacts of the job – but then aren’t given any information or tools to help ...
Impacts of Trauma: Hypervigilance
November 01, 2022 13:55 - 23 minutes - 23 MBShow Notes: Since starting this podcast, one of the most frustrating things I hear all too often is that as front line workers you are told to be aware of trauma. To be looking out for PTSD. To be on alert that you are at higher risk for stress-related mental health concerns. …But then never being told WHAT to look for. Not knowing what exactly PTSD looks like, feels like. How to know when there’s a problem, before it’s so bad that you can’t convince yourself to get out of bed and ...
Support & Anchoring (Reclaiming Self Series)
October 25, 2022 13:55 - 22 minutes - 22.7 MBShow Notes: We have been talking about alignment for the last few weeks – the way we intentionally align ourselves with the kind of people we want to be. We’ve been talking about how to be the authors of our own stories, rather than bystanders while life writes our story for us. We’ve talked about how to be a scientist and use curiosity, experimentation and learning to craft alignment and tweak it to serve us and our goals for our own lives. Today we are wrapping up our series on...
Learning & Adjusting (Reclaiming Self Series)
October 18, 2022 13:55 - 21 minutes - 21.4 MBShow Notes: The process of considering alignment and experimentation involves asking questions about what might fill my bank account back up. What feeds my spirit? What brings energy? What replenishes? Or, at minimum, what limits the rate at which I get depleted? Last episode I shared some examples from my own life and what felt noteworthy to me as I shared them was just how small and simple most of them were. Taking a multivitamin, experimenting with when I exercise and what kin...
Experimentation & Self-Discovering (Reclaiming Self Series)
October 11, 2022 13:55 - 26 minutes - 25.6 MBShow Notes: The really cool but often uncomfortable thing about life changes is that they open up an opportunity, a potential, for learning and growth. They tend to push us into a place of HAVING to do something differently, and by extension, learning about ourselves, what fits for us and what doesn’t, and sorting our way through how we either contort ourselves or how we make things contort to fit us. Like I said, it tends to be uncomfortable – because as people we crave routine,...
Alignment (Reclaiming Self Series)
October 04, 2022 13:55 - 22 minutes - 22.2 MBShow Notes: I’m not sure where you are at in your world right now – maybe you feel like you are totally killing it…maybe you feel like you’re drowning. Maybe you are somewhere in the in-between. As for me – I am in this weird and uncertain and beautiful stage of change and transition. I know that change can be scary for a lot of people, myself included, for sure. But this stage, I’m finding myself embracing it – reveling in it, actually. And as I have been working through this in m...
Alternative Approaches to Healing: Neurotherapy
September 27, 2022 13:55 - 1 hour - 74.2 MBShow Notes: Today I am so excited to be joined by Michael Mariano, neurotherapy expert, and we are diving into the benefits of neurotherapy including neurofeedback, biofeedback and related tools. I am so grateful for this conversation including Michael’s show and tell with some of his equipment so you can get an idea of what it all looks like. You can listen to this episode, or watch and see the show and tell time on YouTube! Check out the links in the “Additional Resources” sectio...
Alternative Approaches to Healing: OEI & EMDR
September 20, 2022 13:55 - 22 minutes - 24.6 MBShow Notes: As we continue in our series on alternative approached to healing, today I am sharing about my background in using Observed Experiential Integration (OEI) as well as a related therapeutic approach called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). Both of these therapies integrate neurological understandings of trauma/high stress experiences and the ways these experiences map themselves out into the brain and body. Both approaches rely very little on talking a...
Alternative Approaches to Healing: Psychedelic Assisted Psychotherapy
September 13, 2022 13:55 - 1 hour - 58.9 MBShow Notes: Today I am joined by Registered Clinical Counsellor, Claire Weiss, who is sharing about her work is psychedelic assisted psychotherapy. Hear her story to brought her to this alternative treatment method as a client and a clinician, and learn about a non-traditional treatment intervention that has been shown to be helpful for many “treatment resistant” individuals. As a follow up to our interview, Claire provided a long list of resources (thanks Claire!!): Videos Talks...
When Talking Doesn't Work (Alternative Approaches to Helping Series)
September 06, 2022 13:00 - 18 minutes - 19.1 MBShow Notes: I’ve been trying to lean in to the openness to the not knowing more generally in life these last many months. It’s not my knee-jerk – I’m pretty hardwired toward planning, perseverating, anxiety and hyper-controlling. Settling in to the unknown and trusting that I’ll have what I need whenever I end up needing it – trusting that I have done what I can and allowing the rest to fall where it may – is not usually in my comfort zone. Yet, I’m finding it to be my saving grace...