The hidden impact childhood trauma has on adult relationships (ft. Dr. Nicole LaPera)

Even before she came online as The Holistic Psychologist and amassed almost 5 million followers on Instagram in just over three years, Dr. Nicole Lapera was a “human fascinated with other humans.”

While working with her clients as a clinical psychologist, she began to see the limitations within the traditional mental health system. A system that she noticed tended to label symptoms as disorders. Her extensive research into trauma, epigenetics and the importance of conscious awareness contradicted much of what she’d learned in school. She began to see and believe that our diagnoses and symptoms don’t have to be with us for life.

Nicole’s book, “How to Do the Work,” spent 5 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list, and she’s got two more on the way. Her next book is all about how to cultivate what she calls “heart-based (or 'heart-coherent') authentically connected relationships.” In this episode, I sat down with Nicole to discuss all things love, intimacy, and connection.

Questions answered and topics discussed in this episode:

■ Why we keep repeating the same dysfunctional relationship patterns over and over

■ How a fear of silence can prevent us from holding space for our intimate partners

■ How am unresolved fear of death and change can prevent us from truly and intimately connecting with the people we love

■ Why you may feel stuck in an endless cycle of seeking treatment for your mental health (the importance of digging into the underlying cause and not just treating symptoms)   

■ How the behaviors that sabotage our attempts at love and connection in adulthood are the same behaviors that kept us safe in childhood

■ Understanding the concept of “love” as a core universal human need as it relates to our early childhood survival and development

■ How feelings of unworthiness manifest in parent/child relationships (and is perpetuated and repeated throughout our adult romantic relationships)

■ How to prepare with your partner BEFORE arguments happen (to minimize the fallout, shame and regret later)

■ Struggles with control and micromanaging: how giving our partners unsolicited (and even well meaning) advice can damage connection and intimacy

■ The importance of grieving the end of relationships (and the harm that can come from forcing ourselves to move on too quickly)

■ How a lack of understanding our own needs and desires stops us from connecting with our partners

■ The role boundaries and space play in the strengthening of relationships

■ Triad Polyamory: Nicole’s experience being in a “throuple” and what she’s learned about intimacy and connection living and growing with two romantic partners 

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Disclaimer: information contained in this podcast episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment or consultation with a licensed mental health professional.

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