Thrive After Abuse
340 episodes - English - Latest episode: almost 3 years ago - ★★★★★ - 27 ratingsWelcome to Thrive After Abuse, I’m your host Dana Morningstar. This is a podcast where we discuss everything related to narcissistic abuse, self-love, and healthy relationships so that you can find the healing and clarity you are looking for.
We cover:
The most common words, definitions, concepts, and questions surrounding narcissism, and narcissistic abuse, such as:
• Flying monkeys
• Hoovering
• Narcissistic abuse
• Love bombing
• Trauma bonding
• C-PTSD
• Scapegoat
• Reactive abuse
• And dozens more
Frequently asked questions about narcissists, such as:
• What is the difference between a selfish jerk and a narcissist?
• How do I know for sure if they are a narcissist?
• Can a narcissist change?
• Why do I miss them?
• How can I stop attracting narcissists?
• How do I handle all this intense anger I have towards them?
And much, much more.
If you are looking for more information or support, please visit my YouTube channel, books, audiobooks, and other resources—all of which you can find over at www.thriveafterabuse.com.
Please know that you are not alone, you are not crazy, and you can move forward and heal from this.
Homepage Apple Podcasts Google Podcasts Overcast Castro Pocket Casts RSS feed
Episodes
Watch Out for Blame Shifting
February 16, 2017 07:41 - 8 minutes - 8.05 MBEveryone has a justification (aka excuse) for their actions--it still doesn't make it okay. Don't let them shift the blame for the actions and make their individual issue into a relationship issue. To get support: www.ThriveAfterAbuse.com/forum * This is an "open" group, meaning that anyone can see what you are posting, however, you can choose your own screen name and have total privacy that way. Support Group on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/HealingAfterNarcissisticAbuse ...
Episode 12: Is Forgiveness REALLY Necessary for Me to Heal
February 16, 2017 07:39 - 9 minutes - 8.64 MBForgiveness. The concept of forgiveness has been so misused, misapplied, and overall manipulated that it's important to understand what it really is so you (or someone you care about) isn't sucked back into a toxic relationship because they think forgiveness means forgetting or allowing a person to continue to be in their life. From the full livestream October 19th 2016 This video covers what forgiveness is and what forgiveness isn't--and whether or not it's really necessary for healing...
Episode 8: How (and Why) We Get Hooked In With Love Bombing
February 15, 2017 16:00 - 35 minutes - 32.7 MBLove Bombing is where one person "bombs" another with constant complements and communication. This is a technique that is most commonly assosciated with cults, but it can and does frequently happen with narcissists or emotional manipulators of anykind. To a person who is "starved out" emotionally, love bombing can feel intoxicating and be easily mistaken for love--when in reality it is a huge red flag of highly problematic behavior. ...Have a question you'd like answered in a future...
Episode 4: I Wish She Were More Abusive So I Knew For Sure That She Was a Narcissist
February 14, 2017 09:22 - 8 minutes - 7.78 MBSome types of abusive behavior is more overtly problematic than others. Many people in abusive relationships tend to stay in them thinking that they aren't abusive if they can still "handle" being in them. In addition, a person doesn't have to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder in order for their behavior to be a deal breaker. Some great people are still not right enough for you and that can be reason enough reason to breakup with someone. ...Have a question you'd like answered ...
Episode 50: How Do I Manage Envy I Have for the New Supply
February 14, 2017 09:19 - 3 minutes - 3.22 MBWe feel envy when someone else has something we don't have. If all you were getting was crumbs or abuse, then odds are it's not so much him that you miss--it's the crumbs of attention and affection that you miss. If you can get yourself into a place where you are getting affection and attention in a healthier way it can really help. This attention does not have to even be from a boyfriend (and ideally it wouldn't be--it would be through friends, hobbies, or new experiences). Meetup.com can...
Episode 3: Help! Is He a Narcissist or Am I the One With the Issues?
February 14, 2017 09:17 - 6 minutes - 6.04 MBDoes your relationship leave you feeling confused? Do they threaten to be dating others but then say they were joking and you are crazy for believing their "joke?" Does the person you are dating seem possessive but say they are protecting you? Do you find yourself feeling anxious, insecure, or googling their behavior in an attempt to get clarity about what's going on? None of this is normal behavior, and ALL of these signs are some major red flags that you are in a relationship with a pers...
5: Getting Past The Guilt and Embarrassment Of Having Fallen For a Narcissist
February 14, 2017 09:15 - 11 minutes - 10.8 MBOnce we get out of a relationship with a narcissist and look back it is very common to blame ourselves for having fallen for their manipulations and lies. This is because we have enough emotional distance to see the situation (and all the red flags) clearly. And once people start seeing things clearly, they wonder how they didn't see things clearly to begin with--and when this happens, it often leaves a person with tremendous amounts of guilt, shame, and embarrassment. It's normal to feel th...
Episode 2: 3 Tips on How to Go (and Stay) No Contact
February 14, 2017 09:02 - 8 minutes - 8.15 MBGoing "no contact" can be difficult. It helps to prepare yourself as much as possible. 1. Familiarize yourself with the seven different types of abuse and several examples of each, as well as the different terminology surrounding abuse such as "gaslighting," "projection," "future faking," "cognitive dissonance," "hoovering," "narcissism," "Stockholm Syndrome," "trauma bonds," and "love bombing" to name a few. 2. Create your "For When You Miss Him/Her" List to help cut through the cogniti...
Episode 1: Turning Your Pain into Your Power
February 10, 2017 06:28 - 5 minutes - 4.77 MBIt's very normal and healthy to feel angry after being used, abused, or exploited--especially by someone you cared about (or by someone that you thought cared about you). The challenge that many survivors of narcissistic abuse face is how to handle and work through what feels like overwhelming amounts of anger and rage. In this episode I talk about how to become an "emotional alchemist" and some alternate ways to understand and harness the power of anger so that it works for you. ... ...
Episode 45: Trauma Bonds, Stockholm Syndrome and How They Relate to Narcissistic Abuse
February 10, 2017 06:25 - 20 minutes - 18.8 MBTrauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person. Trauma bonds can prime a person to confuse intensity with sincerity. Bad times bond people as strongly as good times...perhaps even more so. People that are in abusive relationships tend to hang in there until they can't hang in there anymore (or they are discarded)--and in part this is thought to be due to trauma bonds. Stockholm syn...
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
February 10, 2017 06:24 - 3 minutes - 3.48 MBAre you having a hard time figuring out whether or not you should stay or go? Ask yourself the following: Are you are being treated with dignity and respect and honesty? Is the communication open, honest, sincere, and solutions oriented? Is there honesty and trust? If any ONE of these elements are missing, then you are not in a relationship--you are in a manipulationship. If you are wanting to see if things could change, then ask yourself what kind of changes you'd need to se...
6: Reverse Projection and Malignant Optimism
February 10, 2017 06:21 - 3 minutes - 3.28 MBProjection is where a person (subconsciously) takes their "uncomfortable" thoughts, feelings, and actions and "projects" them (like a movie projector) onto someone else in an effort to ease themselves of the cognitive dissonance that their thoughts, feelings, and actions cause them. When people are projecting their behavior they are often largly unaware that they are doing it. Targets of narcissistic abuse tend to do something that I refer to as "reverse projection" (not an "official" te...
11: How to Prevent Being Manipulated
February 10, 2017 06:19 - 13 minutes - 12.4 MBManipulation does not always look like we think it does. Most manipulation is very subtle and it starts gradually--and is a slow decent into big trouble. Here are a few things to look out for. Pay attention to how you feel. Manipulation goes hand-in-hand with feeling confused. It's like the saying goes, if things don't add up, it's because the truth is not in the equation. Think about how you feel when you are around people that have earned your trust. You feel calm, clear, relaxed. Yo...
16: How Do I Stop Attracting Narcissists?
February 10, 2017 06:18 - 9 minutes - 9.02 MBOnce your eyes are open to narcissistic abuse it can literally feel like you are attracting these people. In reality it is not so much about who you are attracting and more about who you are attracted too and how long you let them stay in your life. Narcissists feed off of "supply" and in order to get suppy they exploit the vulnerabilities of others. Figuring out what your vulnerabilities are and healing them will help you not be "supply" of a narcissist. Figuring out what your empty buckets...
Episode 47: How do I Handle my Guilt of Walking Away?
February 10, 2017 06:16 - 5 minutes - 5.2 MBThere are 3 types of guilt. There's appropriate guilt, inappropriate guilt, and survivor guilt. Guilt can also lead to shame. It can feel selfish to put ourselves first. If a person is causing you hurt, heartache or harm it would be appropriate to distance yourself. Survivor guilt is felt when you are trying to distance yourself from a situation and other people have to stay in it. Ex: a survivor going away to college but leaving younger siblings behind. First figure out which type of guilt ...
23: How Can I Tell the Difference Between Love Bombing and Love?
February 10, 2017 06:13 - 7 minutes - 6.41 MBAfter experiencing the highs of love bombing, and the whirlwind romance that they thought was their soul mate only to be dropped to the lowest lows, many people are terrified to date again. But there are major differences between love bombing and love. Love bombing starts off hot and heavy. It's constant communication and complements. It's rushing all forms of intimacy--sex, opening up about your life, moving in together (or talking about moving in together), talking about marriage--all wi...
Episode 63: Help! I think I'm a Narcissist, and I Don't Want to be One
February 10, 2017 06:12 - 7 minutes - 6.59 MBWe tend to mirror what we learn, and for many people who grow up in a dysfunctional (or troubled home) they've developed some healthy ways of "surviving" (or navigating) that environment--the slang term for this is "fleas." And while a person might have some "fleas" they can work towards getting rid of them (changing their behavior) if they are truly motivated to do so. So if you are seeing some problematic behavior in yourself that makes you think you might be a narcissist you do have the...
Episode 7: What are Normal Deal Breakers in a Relationship?
December 23, 2016 09:28 - 13 minutes - 12.6 MBIt's important that we all know ourselves well enough to know what are deal breakers for us--and what we consider workable behavior is, because treating deal breaker behavior like it's workable behavior is how (and one of the main reasons as to why) people stay in abusive relationships. There is a difference between commitment and codependency. It's okay (and healthy) to not be dragged through hell by another person's behavior, and to get yourself to both a physical and emotional place wher...
24: Some Thoughts on How (and Why) We Rush Intimacy
December 23, 2016 09:25 - 27 minutes - 25.2 MBThis episode covers some thoughts I have about why people are willing to jump into whirlwind romances or dynamics with a narcissist or other type of emotional manipulator. To find out more or to get support: http://www.ThriveAfterAbuse.com Instagram/ThriveAfterAbuse YouTube/ThriveAfterAbuse Facebook/ThriveAfterAbuse Twitter @teamthriver
Episode 46: What is Codependency?
December 23, 2016 09:19 - 12 minutes - 11.4 MBCodependency is one of those words and concepts that has continued to grow and change over time. This episode covers some common definitions of codependency as well as my own take on it. Have a question you'd like answered in a future podcast episode or YouTube video? If so, send me an email me at: [email protected] (make sure to use a name that you feel comfortable with me putting on the air). The live streams happen every Wednesday at 8:30pm EST over on my YouTube chann...
Episode 15: What is a Codependent Relationship?
December 23, 2016 09:17 - 18 minutes - 16.7 MBThe term (and concept) of "codependency" is one of those terms that either offers a lot of clarity to people or it makes them feel revictimized. My intentions are not to place blame, or to revictimize anyone, as what happened to you is not your fault. Narcissists are highly skilled emotional manipulators, and anyone can be a target. So please, hold onto what helps and let the rest go. Many people are in codependent relationships and don't realize it. One of the best ways I've heard a...
Episode 58: A Brief History of Codependency
December 23, 2016 09:07 - 7 minutes - 6.48 MBIn this episode, I give a brief history of the origin of the term codependency, and how the term has grown over time. ...Many people (myself included for a long time) really had issues with the label of "codependency." I felt like it was victim blaming. So if you feel this way too, please know that you aren't alone in that, and that you might find it more helpful to view the label of "codependency" as a pointer--because the label isn't as important as the behaviors that it's pointing to. ...
Episode 62: Why am I still trying to figure her out and find a solution?
December 09, 2016 08:05 - 13 minutes - 12.7 MBIn this episode, I cover the questions of, "Why is it that these types are so hard to let go of?" "Why can't I just move on?" "Why am I still trying to figure her out and find a solution?" If you have a question for the show, please email me at [email protected] and I will do my best to answer it. To find out more or to get support: http://www.ThriveAfterAbuse.com
Episode 51: How should I talk to the other woman who is asking about me?
December 09, 2016 07:52 - 7 minutes - 6.8 MBI have known this covert narcissist for the past six years. He love bombed me endlessly, made me feel like the most wonderful person on this earth, and I fell head over heels for him. I loved his good bits and I still do because they are really good. I moved an hour away from my home to be near him. Our secret relationship has been on and off a lot since then. He described his wife as a cold housewife living a cloistered life with no interest or hobbies. He has one official Facebook profil...
Episode 53: How can we handle victim blaming and revictimization?
December 09, 2016 07:18 - 10 minutes - 9.98 MBIn this episode, I'm asked about abuse, feeling revictimized, and what to do about it. Have a question you'd like answered in a future podcast episode or YouTube video? If so, send me an email me at: [email protected] (make sure to use a name that you feel comfortable with me putting on the air). The live streams happen every Wednesday at 8:30pm EST over on my YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/thriveafterabuse and they run for about 2.5 hours. If you are looking for...
Episode 56: How Do Narcissists Manipulate People?
December 02, 2016 08:27 - 15 minutes - 14.1 MBNarcissists target people based on supply and in order to get that supply, they manipulate their vulnerabilities. They do this is in a wide variety of ways, most of which fall within the realm of what I call "I CHIVE" which stands for: Isolation, Charm, Hope, Intimidation, Violence, and Emotion. In order for us to prevent being manipulated, it's really helpful if we know what manipulative behavior looks like in motion so we don't keep getting sucked in by it. ...Towards the tail end of thi...
Dear Dana #33: Isn't it uncompassionate to abandon someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
December 02, 2016 08:18 - 5 minutes - 5.25 MBI know about Narcissistic Personality Disorder but I have trouble with the idea that they should be completely abandoned. What about compassion, understanding, and love without expecting anything in return? To find out more or to get support: http://www.ThriveAfterAbuse.com
Episode 66: How long is it going to take for me to get over my ex and move on?
December 02, 2016 08:11 - 11 minutes - 10.9 MBHow long is it going to take for me to get over him and move on? You just got emotional about what you've been through with Jack and it's been six years! To find out more or to get support: http://www.ThriveAfterAbuse.com
Episode 61: How can I trust myself to pick out people I can trust?
December 02, 2016 08:07 - 15 minutes - 14.3 MBI have a question regarding healing from a relationship with a narcissist. I'm fairly certain that my ex is a covert narc or at least an extremely passive-aggressive and manipulative person. This is not only because of how his behavior fits into the description but also how my emotional situation coming out of the relationship has been. One of the main struggles that I'm having in the moment is feeling like I can't be trusted in picking out worthwhile relationships and nontoxic people. I've ...
Episode 65: Am I seeing red flags or am I just being hypervigilant?
December 02, 2016 07:55 - 7 minutes - 6.71 MBHow can I tell if I'm seeing a red flag or I'm just being hypervigilant? To find out more or to get support: http://www.ThriveAfterAbuse.com
Episode 71: How do I divorce my narcissistic wife?
December 02, 2016 07:51 - 6 minutes - 6.31 MBDear Dana, How do I divorce my narcissistic wife? I am married to an evil and hateful woman. She didn't start off this way. When we were dating she was so good to me. She always made time for me and made me my favorite meals. And she encouraged me to spend time with my friends. Once we got married everything changed. She's made the last 20 years of my life a living hell. Only our children see how awful she is. She is active in our church and volunteers all the time. She hasn't worked a day...
Episode 52: How can we learn to listen to our gut instinct if we already doubt our judgment?
November 25, 2016 08:52 - 10 minutes - 9.6 MBHow can we learn to listen to our gut instinct if we already doubt our judgment? Sometimes my feelings about a situation don't make sense. Things don't add up logically. To find out more or to get support: http://www.ThriveAfterAbuse.com
Episode 67: Do you have any tips for how to get my narcissist friend out of my life?
November 25, 2016 08:47 - 9 minutes - 8.36 MBHow do you get a narcissist out of your life? I am a female with a female friend who lives about an hour away. I don't see her often but she calls me on her way home from work. I've tried for a long time to have a normal friendship with her but I've given up. I've started researching narcissism and now I'm convinced that she is a narcissist. I've discovered that there have been a lot of them in my life and now I know what to look for. I just need to know how to get this one out of my life wi...
10: Should I Warn His New Girlfriend That He's a Narcissist?
November 25, 2016 08:42 - 6 minutes - 5.94 MBIn this episode I discuss the pros and cons of trying to warn a new person their their "Prince (or Princess) Charming" is really narcissistic and abusive. ...Have a question you'd like answered in a future podcast episode or YouTube video? If so, you can send me an email me at: [email protected] (make sure to use a name that you feel comfortable with me putting on the air), and I'll see what I can do! Looking for daily motivation, inspiration, or more information ab...
Episode 68: My boyfriend doesn't care about my feelings. Is he a narcissist?
November 25, 2016 08:31 - 12 minutes - 11.2 MBIs it me or is it him? Am I being unreasonable? I am so confused. I dated this wonderful guy for six months. We've been on and off. Every time we have a disagreement he gives me the silent treatment. He's a christian and he goes to church. But he's always telling me about how the women in his church like him but he isn't interested in them. We recently got back together and everything was going fine until this woman called his phone and he put it on speakerphone so I could hear the conversat...
Episode 60: Are narcissists attracted to a specific type of person?
November 18, 2016 07:48 - 7 minutes - 7.2 MBIn this episode, I talk about the types of people narcissists are attracted to and why. This is an older episode, and I use the term "codependent" to describe the types of people overt narcissists are attracted to, but I feel that needs some more explaining. I was using the term "codependent" to refer to the kind of person who is an "over-giver." Someone who continually gives a person second and twenty-second chances, doesn't have any deal breakers or solid boundaries, and who is quick ...
Episode 48: What's different about her and why is my ex treating her better?
November 18, 2016 07:07 - 7 minutes - 6.55 MBMy narcissist up and left me recently for somebody else. I'm in a tremendous amount of pain and I can't seem to wrap my mind around why her and not me? What's different about her and why is he treating her better? YouTube video series that I mention at the end of the podcast: https://youtu.be/SoMYqD52Rxo?list=PLcjFWuvIFFzJoo_mlUTWBGHhz9DXc7t5J (The main video in this series that I think will be helpful is the one called, "Want to Know WHY you Are Dating a Narcissist?) Have a question y...
Episode 9: What does a normal relationship look like?
November 18, 2016 06:54 - 9 minutes - 8.64 MBIn this episode, the question of what a normal relationship is discussed. It's very common for a person to come out of a relationship with a narcissist, and to be so confused as to what's normal (because they've been told the whole time that all this abusive or problematic behavior they've been experiencing is normal). I discuss the difference between normal and healthy, as well as why aiming for "normal" can be problematic in it's own way. ...Have a question you'd like answered in ...
Episode 69: What are healthy boundaries?
November 17, 2016 03:44 - 10 minutes - 9.32 MBCan you talk more about boundaries? What are healthy boundaries? Are there unhealthy boundaries? I've been told in my past that I've been violating boundaries. But once my eyes were opened I realized that it was just another way for the narcissist to lie to me and blame me for being wrong. Have a question you'd like answered in a future podcast episode or YouTube video? If so, send me an email me at: [email protected] (make sure to use a name that you feel comfortable with...
Dear Dana #2: How do I get over the fantasy love bombing?
November 04, 2016 03:49 - 12 minutes - 11.2 MBHow do I get over the fantasy love bombing? I keep coming across information that says I'll never find that charm again. My therapist says I need a boring guy. But I don't want a boring guy. I'm having difficulty letting go of all that magical stuff regardless of all the crap my ex narcissist has done. To find out more or to get support: http://www.ThriveAfterAbuse.com