Since You Asked: Uncommon Advice from Cary Tennis artwork

Since You Asked: Uncommon Advice from Cary Tennis

44 episodes - English - Latest episode: 4 months ago - ★★★★★ - 4 ratings

Millions read Cary's "Since You Asked" advice column on Salon.com from 2001 to 2013. Then he left Salon and moved to Italy, where he writes and podcasts the weekly. Hear his compassionate insight and offbeat humor in his own entertaining voice every Thursday, direct from the medieval Tuscan town of Castiglion Fiorentino!

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Episodes

Cary's Podcast-With-a-Song! December 1, 2023. Just getting back in the groove

December 01, 2023 10:00 - 14 minutes - 9.73 MB

It's been almost two years since I did a podcast here at the Since You Asked podcast station, and geez I've been paying Buzzsprout every month all this time, anyway, here in this rather casual talky-type podast there's a song, and I talk a little about my passion for music and songwriting and how it goes here in Castiglion Fiorentino. Not really a Since You Asked column, this is not that, it's more just a warmup. But once I get some Holiday Angst-type letters I'll do podcasts of my columns f...

Come to Italy May 12-22, 2022 and have a ball at our writing workshop

January 04, 2022 17:00 - 12 minutes - 8.85 MB

May 12 to 22, this year, 2022, I will be hosting another of our fabulous writing workshops here in beautiful Castiglion Fiorentino at lovely Le Santucce. The Amherst Writers and Artists method we use in the workshops has been a godsend to thousands around the world who want to have a richer, fuller experience writing. Whether you write to sharpen and enlarge your experience of life or you do it for a living, this is a great way to boost your strength as a writer, to go deeper, to feel greate...

Are you trying to make me sick?

August 13, 2021 13:00 - 18 minutes - 13 MB

The moment  has come to tell our unvaccinated friends and relatives the truth: Their refusal to be vaccinated is killing people. It is morally wrong. The moment has come to get in their faces, to reveal ourselves passionately, how deeply we care about this, to plead, to beg, to negotiate, to use whatever strength we have left to do our part to help mankind stop this pandemic.  Like it or not, each of us has a moral responsibility to speak out, to engage passionately with others, to try to tu...

Are you trying to make me sick?

August 13, 2021 13:00 - 18 minutes - 13 MB

The moment  has come to tell our unvaccinated friends and relatives the truth: Their refusal to be vaccinated is killing people. It is morally wrong. The moment has come to get in their faces, to reveal ourselves passionately, how deeply we care about this, to plead, to beg, to negotiate, to use whatever strength we have left to do our part to help mankind stop this pandemic.  Like it or not, each of us has a moral responsibility to speak out, to engage passionately with others, to try to tu...

Is sex a "disgusting, wicked drive"?

May 20, 2021 10:00 - 26 minutes - 18.6 MB

Today I respond to the below comment from someone who identifies himself as "Ugly hunchback," posted on last week's column, as though it were a question.  It expresses suffering for which I propose an antidote. The author of the comment was apparently alerted to this column by my 2006 Salon.com column on suicide which after 15 years still attracts fresh readers and comments as recent as April 2021. I don't quote the whole comment here, only mainly the part that concerned me. The commenter sa...

Is my boyfriend cheating on me?

May 12, 2021 10:00 - 12 minutes - 8.34 MB

Hi Cary, I have huge trust issues and it’s affecting my relationship with my partner of 3 years. My trust issues have stemmed from my childhood for many different reasons and to top it off, last year I found out my step dad had been abusing me. My partner has never given me a reason to not trust him. He says he has his morals and knows deep down he has never done anything wrong. His dad cheated on his mum and he has a suspicion his ex cheated on him. But there is something lingering over ...

Finishing School: The story behind the workshops … and the book

April 29, 2021 15:00 - 22 minutes - 15.6 MB

In 2004 I was finishing up an article for Salon.com about George W. Bush and the upcoming presidential election, when I thought I was having a heart attack. I hit “send” and then I dialed 911. I called my wife from the ambulance. I spent the night in the hospital. Tests showed I was not having a heart attack. I was having a panic attack. That whole episode got me thinking: Maybe I was a little too stressed out. I needed to find a more humane approach to creativity, that would stress commun...

It's been a heck of a week!

April 22, 2021 12:00 - 6 minutes - 4.41 MB

Hi everybody this is Cary Tennis, it’s Thursday, April 22, 2021 and I’m exhausted. I gotta tell ya. What a week. What a few weeks. Living in Italy but I’m watching CNN and the news constantly and I gotta tell ya, I’m full of hope for the possibilities of police reform in the United States and I’m also just emotionally exhausted.  And I have to tell you it’s not just the political situation in the US, it’s also some sad news I received on Sunday when I was incidentally celebrating 32 years o...

Voting Rights, Democracy, Hope, Optimism, and the "Arc of the Moral Universe"

March 29, 2021 12:00 - 38 minutes - 26.4 MB

Sen. Raphael Warnock of Georgia said this Friday about the fight for voting rights: "Hope is a little different from optimism. Hope is the recognition that, yeah, we are in a serious fight for what is good, what is true, what is righteous, and evil is well financed and determined. I understand that. But you know, as bad as this bill is, and it's terrible, it would be worse if it were not for the fact that people stood up, and made noise about it. So I don't want people to underestimate the ...

My Mother the Narcissist

March 25, 2021 21:00 - 25 minutes - 17.5 MB

Dear Cary, I hate my family of origin.  I recently discovered that I grew up in a mostly narcissistic family, with a narc mother who subtly but persistently projected her own guilt and shame and anger about her situation onto us, her six children.  ... As children, we knew we were poor, were ashamed about it, and felt something was terribly messed up about this situation.  As a result, we - especially the youngest three kids (ages 8, 14 and 16 at that time) felt such a degree of responsibil...

The Psychedelic Madness of Covid-19: A Personal Journey

March 25, 2021 19:00 - 39 minutes - 27.5 MB

David Talbot, founder and former editor in chief of Salon.com, has a  new site called TheDavidTalbotShow.com,  and he asked me to write for him a piece about my stay in the hospital in Arezzo and my crazy adventures recovering from Covid-19. You can read that piece on his site, where you can find the full, unexpurgated tale of my incredibly strange delusions and hallucinations, the result of the drugs I was taking, the isolation, etc.  This podcast started out to be about that, and is a sort...

The Massage Parlor Murders: What can you do?

March 18, 2021 13:00 - 3 minutes - 2.71 MB

This is not an advice column. This is commentary. Robert Aaron Long, 21 years old, of  Woodstock, Georgia, was arrested Tuesday in the murders of eight people, six of whom were women of Asian descent working in massage parlors. Initial media reports indicated that he claimed he did it because he was a sex addict. Sex addiction is not a trivial matter. But right now his claim feels like a distraction. So in keeping with my practice in the Since You Asked advice column, I would like to offe...

In Love with a Memory

March 12, 2021 08:00 - 18 minutes - 12.7 MB

Dear Cary, I’ve loved the same boy since I was a teenager, knowing that for lots of reasons we would never end up together. Our love has endured and we’ve had decades of meaningful time together for its own sake, without the pressure of everyday partnership. The pandemic has brought us far closer to one another, but, in doing so, has led me to a painful realization: I never let go of my teenage hopes for him. Support the show

The Traveler: An Encounter with Taxidermists and their Antlers, on the Landing of the Stairs

March 08, 2021 17:00 - 8 minutes - 5.67 MB

Right before we left I had to stop on the stairs to tie my shoe, and I had a spell of dizziness, and couldn’t remember how to tie my shoe, and I felt panic wash over me, the kind of panic that I used to feel as a young recruit, those first few months, barely out of the blanket, barely out of that big black limousine that had carried me away from my home, down that snowy road in winter so long ago. My comrades noisily passed me going down the stairs, where I could see in the lobby the crowd o...

The Traveler: We went up high in the mountains, where it was quiet

March 08, 2021 10:00 - 4 minutes - 3.34 MB

Support the show (https://www.carytennis.com/donate/)

Learning from Delirium: The Madness of Covid-19 PTSD

March 04, 2021 16:00 - 31 minutes - 22 MB

Hi Folks! Wow, was I insane! This week's podcast dives deep into the fantastical delirium I experienced in the intensive care unit of San Donato hospital in Arezzo, Italy. I'll be publishing a longer prose version soon and will let you know when that is available. But for now, take a listen to this. It's pretty wild! I mean, I was living in a completely unreal world, and as I gradually pulled out of it, I felt a new and urgent compassion for people with schizophrenia and psychosis. Now I k...

What is service? Being a senator should be less attractive and more humbling

February 25, 2021 16:00 - 3 minutes - 2.38 MB

I was still thinking about the reasons senators would find it impossible to act on their conscience when it comes to decisions that might threaten their chances of reelection, and I just thought, well, the job should have less perks, be less of an ego trip, more of a sacrifice, like the armed services. The operative word being service. Support the show

And finally, because you've waited so long ... a little song for you.

February 25, 2021 16:00 - 2 minutes - 2.03 MB

I wrote this song a few weeks ago and sang it to my wife on Valentines Day.  Support the show

Right Now, this is what's going on: Maybe I will continue the Advice column! I just need people to send me letters!

February 25, 2021 15:00 - 5 minutes - 4.03 MB

It's been a crazy couple of weeks but it just occurred to me that all I need to do to get more questions for the column is invite people on social media to send me questions! And also, I almost forgot, also starting up an online Finishing School session! Support the show

Don't get Covid-19 no matter what you do, Castiglion Fiorentino is now the *Oakland* of Florence, I spent the morning pruning the roses and other oddball notions, confessions, etc.

February 24, 2021 17:00 - 12 minutes - 8.57 MB

This podcast is an exhortation to keep your guard up during the next few weeks as conditions improve  and the temptation will arise to relax on the coronavirus protocols, and also just a kind of rambling commentary on Italy, on myself, and on the future of the column, that is, an advice column without letters is not an advice column, it's just commentary. And though today is gorgeous and I'm happy as a kitten in the sun, it's been a kind of sucky two weeks.  As explained in the podcast, I w...

Finding the Faith to Act on Conscience

February 11, 2021 12:00 - 28 minutes - 19.5 MB

I am watching the second impeachment trial of Donald Trump and so my podcast asks, "How do you reach a point where your conscience is overwhelming and you must make the leap? How do you get to that point? How do you get to that point? How could these senators get to that point, where the conscience ... blooms, where all the fear subsides, and the conscience floods the spirit, floods the mind, floods the brain, and gives one the courage to just do the right thing. Just do the right thing!" S...

I cry for my country

February 04, 2021 19:00 - 12 minutes - 8.37 MB

In Castiglion Fiorentino, in the beautiful Tuscan hills, I’m looking out across the continent, I’m looking out at the country that I love, that I was born in, the country that my father fought for and my uncles fought for, my grandparents fought for, I’m looking out, and I cry for my country. I cry for the people suffering, I cry for the people who suffered for four years under this fool of a maniac named Donald Trump, I cry for those who’ve died of COVID-19 who didn’t have to die … I cry fo...

The Post-Covid Acute Renal Failure Happy Kidneys Diet

February 04, 2021 19:00 - 19 minutes - 13.1 MB

On a lighter note, my friends, let’s talk about Foods That Are Good for the Kidneys!  Having been out of the hospital for six weeks now, having spent five weeks in the hospital with Covid-19 and another disorder which was life-threatening—I was critical, I was near death for a while—I’m back and it’s just dawning on me now, as I read the medical reports, that  I had acute renal failure, and so I have to change my frame of reference now, to integrate the fact that I am now a post-renal-failu...

Are you at the end of your rope?

January 14, 2021 10:00 - 25 minutes - 17.9 MB

Do you feel like life will never return to normal? Does the future seem like a dim, unending nightmare of isolation? Do you fear that the habits we have acquired will forever dampen the bright spontaneous spirit of social life? Does despair feel like the only realistic response to world conditions? Today's podcast is a 25-minute one-take piece in which I range fairly widely, and in a very personal way, on how to maintain sanity through the pandemic. I decided to record it all of a piece, no...

The Revenge of the American Id

January 07, 2021 17:00 - 30 minutes - 21 MB

Right-wing violence, insurrection, irrational fury: President Trump stirred the flames. But he didn't create the pain and disillusionment underneath it all.  Why are so many Americans in pain? Why are so many Americans angry? What is underneath it all? Support the show

Serene in the noise of catastrophe

December 31, 2020 15:00 - 15 minutes - 10.5 MB

How to balance our grief about the pandemic with the desire for happiness and normalcy? How to remain whole and vital and strong when the world seems to be falling apart? Where is the line between staying informed and obsessive news-watching?  I ponder these things and offer some tips in this third episode in a series of podcast-only "Since You Asked" posts. Support the show

Gratitude in a time of nightmare

December 24, 2020 15:00 - 7 minutes - 5.26 MB

I continue to heal from my hospitalization, and realize what there is in this moment to be thankful for  ... regardless of how  crazy the world has gone ... Support the show

Recovering from Covid-19: A personal note from Cary

December 17, 2020 10:00 - 6 minutes - 4.41 MB

Hello Friends, This is a short podcast-only edition just to let you know that I am now home after five weeks in the Italian hospital, that I am recovering slowly, expecting to be good as new eventually, but also thinking it's time to make some changes. --CT Support the show

I’m apathetic! I never get around to anything!

October 29, 2020 17:00 - 26 minutes - 18.5 MB

Dear Cary, I have a question about apathy. For years it has been my most loyal companion. I have dreams, visions, I have talents – all of which fall short because I simply do not get around to anything. Most days are spent wandering in a haze. For a long while I thought I was simply lazy and beat myself up terribly, but I don’t think that is the issue. I think fear is the thing on which my apathy feeds, fear of both failure and success. For a few years I struggled with depression, but I no l...

Be a Poll Worker! Save democracy! Make a tiny amount of money!

October 22, 2020 16:00 - 16 minutes - 11.2 MB

Dear Reader, In 1997, Norma and I were standing in the garage of the house we’d recently bought, out on 48th Avenue and Ortega in San Francisco, a foggy, flat, sea-washed landscape of mid-20th century row houses, bland, bleak, ordinary, but safe, inexpensive, and near the beach.  So we’re standing there in our garage and this guy walked in. He just walked in and started looking around like he was interested in the merchandise—of which of course there was none. He looked around and said, “Th...

Bonus Audio for Since You Asked #18: I'm a Poll Worker, Baby!

October 22, 2020 16:00 - 4 minutes - 3.25 MB

This is the audio track I published on Salon.com in November, 2000, about hosting the election in our San Francisco garage.--CT Support the show

No Matter What! (You just gotta do it)

October 15, 2020 10:00 - 17 minutes - 12.3 MB

Dear Listener, Usually I write an advice column and then I make a podcast from it. But this week, what I needed to say was better just spoken. I could get into it better. I could feel it in my chest and put it out there, and it wasn't complicated. It was just this: If you care about your life and the lives of those around you, if you want history to judge you kindly, if you want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem, there are certain things you have to do no matter what.  S...

Is fascism coming? Should I leave the country?

October 08, 2020 16:00 - 22 minutes - 15.4 MB

Dear Cary, I'm wondering if I should leave America as soon as possible to avoid whatever may happen during and after the election in November. It feels like Fascism. I would love to know what you think. A fan  Dear Fan, I spent a lot of time thinking about fascism. But finally I remembered who I am. I am not a political person. I cannot predict the future. I love 538.com but odds are not my bag. What I do is try to help people cope with the situation they are in by taking steps that can...

And now for something completely different

September 24, 2020 13:00 - 12 minutes - 8.46 MB

Dear reader, This week I have received no letters asking for advice. So instead of a column, here is a scene from the novel Famous Actress Disappears. Which I started writing on the N-Judah streetcar in San Francisco in 1995. And which I seem to be still working on. It starts 6 minutes into the podcast if you want to skip my always amusing prelude. Support the show

Why has success brought me only frustration?

September 17, 2020 16:00 - 30 minutes - 20.9 MB

Dear Cary, I'm writing about a frustration that no one I know--including my spouse, family, and friends--seems to understand. I have my dream job. My current work might be the thing I was put on this Earth to do. It's emotionally fulfilling, it satisfies my interests, it has social gravitas, and it pays well. It's in a field of work where positions are notoriously difficult to get. I've been lucky. The problem: It took so long to get here that something in me feels broken.  Support the show

Crippled by critique--I'm paralyzed by a critic! How can I start painting again?

September 09, 2020 15:00 - 14 minutes - 10.3 MB

Dear Cary, I have spent the past several-plus years drawing and painting and finally acquiring enough discipline and self-regard to give myself time to make art. I have been pleased with my progress. I’ve been posting my work on Instagram, getting good feedback and building followers.  I live in a small town in the South, so social media is my link to the larger world. I look at a lot of art online (maybe too much) and follow the feeds of artists, galleries and museums that I admire. I fol...

The Kind but Stern Voice Inside My Head (is Being Mean to Me) ...

September 03, 2020 17:00 - 29 minutes - 20.4 MB

Dear Cary, You get a lot of unusual letters so perhaps you will not be shocked to receive one from me. I know you quite well, well enough to know there are many things that you conceal from me. But rather than talk about my problem, as most of your letter writers do, I would rather like to talk about your problem. Or problems. I know you have them. And I am in a privileged position to know about them, and perhaps be of some service to you. For I am, as it were, in your head. Not figurativel...

I miss playing the ukulele! I miss my creative moments!

August 27, 2020 17:00 - 15 minutes - 11 MB

“Dear Cary, When I was divorced and single, I took weekly writing and music classes and I learned how to be completely independent. Eventually I found my true soulmate, we married and we are very happy. But there is not enough time in the day to do all of the things I used to enjoy doing. I miss writing and the ukulele. How can I fit it all in? Am I silly to miss the things I enjoy doing? …” Support the show

Does Covid-19 Change Everything? i.e. OMG We're All Gonna Die!!!

August 20, 2020 10:00 - 23 minutes - 16.1 MB

Dear Cary, What do you think about Covid and Black Lives Matter in terms of historical perspective? I think that the Black Death in the Middle Ages paved the way for the Renaissance.  Is what we are going through (radical changes to social protocol) likely to result in a similar revolutionary change, and if so would future historians regard this change as a good or bad thing? Just Wondering Dear Just Wondering, Pardon me while I hyperventilate into a paper bag. Seriously, you overestima...

How do I find the father within?

August 13, 2020 14:00 - 16 minutes - 11.5 MB

Dear Cary, I didn't know who my father was until I was 44. The “father” I had was a man who married my mother when I was 2, and adopted me when I was 6. I found out at 14 that he wasn't my father, but my mom still didn't tell me about the real one. She made up yet another story, and that was all I had until age 44. So I'm 55 and I still want a father. I joke that my mother-needs are filled by my therapist, and that I just need a male therapist to take care of my father longing, but my quest...

Help! I have a 17-year-old daughter!

August 06, 2020 13:00 - 13 minutes - 9.51 MB

Dear Cary,  I am a twice-divorced 54-year-old woman entrepreneur who supports herself through the practice of her craft.  I have a 17-year-old daughter. She is bright, creative, articulate, sleeps a lot and talks to her friends and boyfriend on the phone, is an artist, cartoonist, and enjoys studying underwater hydrothermal vents. Senior year is around the corner and the world has gone mad ... Time seems to be collapsing and she appears to be clueless about what to do with her life. ... I n...

I’m so comfortable I feel guilty!

July 30, 2020 11:00 - 36 minutes - 25.3 MB

Dear Cary, I’m feeling guilty these days about how comfortable my pandemic experience is. I mean, I feel the weight of the chaos going on, for sure. But my family is healthy, our home is comfortable, we can get groceries delivered, our income is steady, etc.  I see other people struggling financially, and especially those fighting the good fight for justice, and I wonder why I lucked out while others are suffering? Like another recent letter-writer you responded to, I’m dealing with my own ...

How do I tell people to put on a mask?

July 23, 2020 14:00 - 19 minutes - 13.6 MB

Dear Cary, Why is it that when I tell people they need to wear a face mask, I’m the one who ends up feeling terrible? ... Support the show

Covid-19 Pandemic Virus Disaster Anxiety Disorder: I’ve got it bad!

July 15, 2020 09:00 - 9 minutes - 6.86 MB

Dear Cary, I’ve been coping with an anxiety disorder for most of my life. I know and use many of the available tools: the meds, meditation, therapy, exercise, talks with good friends, chocolate chip cookies. Engagement in living in this minute, now. Random acts of kindness and shopping. For years I’ve managed, more or less.  But This Minute Now is outstripping all my coping skills ... Support the show