My Partner’s Definition of “What is Porn” is Different from Mine—We are at an Impasse—Now What?!

In episode 186, Mark & Steve address a very difficult and sensitive topic sent in to PBSE by the partner of an addict in recovery—

"My husband and I have been in healthy recovery for an extended amount of time. He thinks someone can be objectified whether they have clothing or not, so if he wants to watch a movie where he knows there is a scene with nudity—that has nothing to do with the topic of a movie—as long as HE knows his intent and purpose for watching the movie, it doesn’t break his boundaries of 'relapse/acting out' and isn't even porn to him. I’m dying! He can see how the scenes would upset me, but he won’t call them what they are–PORNOGRAPHY. Is he just in denial? When we have a conversation and I tell him the honest truth, that I want him to choose me/my feelings over the movie, he states he feels like if he has to comply and that diminishes his sense of self and his individuality."

Exploration for the Addict in Recovery:

-  What is Authenticity? Who I am deep down—the values/attributes that I both possess, and am trying to cultivate and the person I am endeavoring to become?

-  This all involves a clear understanding of not just what I value and prioritize, but also how do I take and hold my priorities in a balance? In other words, how do these priorities stack up against one another? Which are “more authentic” and more important than others?

-  What are my "hills to die on"? What is authentic, not only for "me" but for "we" as a coupleship? What does "love" really mean to me? What does "giving up something for something better or more" really mean to me? What truly matters MOST to me?

Support For Partners Healing from Betrayal Trauma:

-  It comes back to your own boundaries, both with your addict partner, but also with yourself. 

-  In what ways are your spouse’s choices impacting you, and HOW are you holding boundaries? 

-  Do you have clear consequences in place to keep yourself and/or the relationship safe?

-  What does YOUR "optimal environment of healing" look like and HOW can you fight for that in healthy, authentic ways?


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services