ON BOYS Podcast

The Summer Slide

Summer slide (noun): The loss of academic skills and knowledge over the course of summer vacation Photo by bcrumpler via Flicker Parents (& educators) have long worried about the things kids "forget" over the summer. This year, on the tail of a pandemic-interrupted school year that launched valiant attempts at unplanned remote learning, parents (& educators) are more concerned than ever before. According to a recent New York Times article, 3/4 of parents of children under 12 and 64% of pare...

The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen)

Roughhousing can teach boys about healthy touch. Photo by SnarkleMotion via Flickr Society teaches boys that there are two kinds of "acceptable" touch for males: sex, and aggression. No wonder so many boys and men turn to sex and aggression to meet their very human need for touch! Physical play -- including play wrestling, "chase" games and roughhousing -- give boys multiple opportunities to experience healthy touch while learning about boundaries and consent. "Roughhousing is really more ...

Dads Speak on Father’s Day

Dads are so important! We can't talk about raising boys without also talking about the men who help create and parent them. Dad were boys long before they were fathers, and they understand boyhood and the path to manhood in a way we never will. So, this Father's Day, we turned the mic over to 5 dads: Doc, a Wisconsin-based father of 3 Doc & his 3 kids Doc's advice for moms of boys: "It's going to be OK. It takes boys a long time to fully develop." Luis, a NY-based dad of 2 boys.... Loui...

Differently Wired Boys & TiLT Parenting (w Debbie Reber)

At least 1 in 5 people are differently wired, says Debbie Reber, founder of TiLT Parenting. Differently wired kids are neurologically atypical. They perceive the world differently than their peers and express themselves differently as well. These differences can be subtle or glaring, and as a parent or teacher, it can be hard to know how to respond to these quirks. Debbie and her husband noticed their son Asher's differences early on. He was "more intense, more precocious, more challenging"...

Black Boys Matter

Black boys matter. Such a simple statement. And yet... George Floyd is dead. His name joins the long list of others (Trayvon Martin, Philando Castile, Tamir Rice, Michael Brown, etc., etc., etc...) whose lives have been cut short by racism, bias and brutality. Photo via Pixabay We here at ON BOYS are NOT OK with the status quo. We are committed to equity and opportunity, to listening and learning. We will not be silent.  This week -- and as often as possible -- we are amplifying black voi...

Sexual Abuse Affects Boys Too (w Lawrence Cohen)

Photo by Lee Carson via Flickr  1 in 5 boys experience sexual abuse before their 18th birthday.  More than one-quarter of male victims of a completed rape (27.8%) experienced their first rape when they were 10 years of age or younger. And 43% of men report experiencing some form of sexual harassment and/or assault in their lifetime.   Today's guest, psychologist Lawrence Cohen, founded one of the first therapy groups for male survivors of sexual abuse. As recently as the 1980s and '90s, t...

Why Boys Need Chores – with Victoria Prooday

Chores, Victoria Prooday says, are the most efficient way to build our boys' emotional muscle. Prooday, a psychotherapist, occupational therapist and speaker, is convinced that self-regulation is the key to success -- and science backs up her assertion. As early as 1998, psychologists were publishing papers and chapters stating that, "Self-regulation has major, important implications for success in life...People who are good at self-regulation show a multitude of advantages over other people...

Single Parenting w Wealthy Single Mommy Emma Johnson

There are 10 million single moms in the United States. Many are raising boys. And despite the naysayers, many are doing a great job! Is single parenting difficult, especially during a pandemic? Absolutely. But single moms have more power and potential than they realize, says Emma Johnson, aka Wealthy Single Mommy. Johnson, a single mom of two (a boy and a girl), is the author of The Kickass Single Mom: Be Financially Independent, Discover Your Sexiest Self and Raise Fabulous, Healthy Child...

Mom is in Control with Heather Chauvin

Is mom in control at your house?  We don't mean "in control" in the dictator sense, or in the mom-is-storming-around-the-house-yelling-at-everyone way. We don't even mean "in control" to mean "your house is neat and orderly and your children do exactly as you say." We mean in control of YOURSELF. After all, the only thing you can really control are your thoughts and actions. "The first thing I always say is, if you want to feel in control in your life, you have to give up control," says H...

Understanding Gender with Dr. Alex Iantaffi

A generation ago, few people thought much about understanding gender. Then, gender seemed simple and straightforward: boy or girl, male or female. Things are different today. Merriam-Webster declared they the 2019 word of the year, and there's increasing recognition of the fact that gender is not strictly binary. What does this have to do with boys? Well, our boys are living in a time when it's okay to openly discuss and think about gender. Many of our boys have peers who self-identify as...

Parenting Your Adult Children

The phrase "adult children" is an oxymoron: the words adult and children clearly describe very different things, and it's impossible to be an adult and a child at the same time. Except it's not. Most of us are adult children; Jen is 47 and a bona fide adult, but she's also still the child of Al & Pat Wondra. She's also the parent of at least one adult child, a 22 year old who's been living independently for 4 years. Of course, the parent/child relationship changes as children grow into adul...

COVID-19 Listener Q and A

Photo by Nik Anderson via Flickr COVID-19 (the disease caused by the novel coronavirus) has changed everything. Our daily lives now look nothing like we imagined at the beginning of the year. We're hunkered down in our homes, and wondering how to get toilet paper and flour -- basics we once took for granted. Some of us are working from home and trying to figure out how the $*#( to juggle full-time work with with full-time family. Others have to go to work in spite of the virus, often fearin...

Decoding Boys with Dr. Cara Natterson

Wouldn't it be great if boys came with a magic decoder ring to help you decode their mysteries and moods?  Dr. Cara Natterson's book, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons, is the next best thing. If you have boys, you'll want to add this one to your bookshelf (or check it out from your library) right now -- and you'll definitely want to read it before your son hits puberty. Which may come a lot sooner than you expected. According to Dr. Natterson -- a pediatricia...

Managing Emotions

Managing emotions -- our boys, & our own -- is challenging in the best of times. This, most definitely is not the best of times. We're cooped up in our houses with kids who miss their friends and activities. With boys who no longer have soccer or baseball practice to help them burn off some energy. In the midst of a global pandemic that's upended all of our routines. While we ourselves are experiencing great emotional turmoil. We can't just simply brush our emotions to the side, or expect o...

Just Don’t be an Asshole (with Kara Kinney Cartwright)

Kara Kinney Cartwright has a message for teenage boys & young men: just don't be an asshole. The mom of two grown sons, Kara began writing Just Don't Be an Asshole: A Surprisingly Necessary Guide to Being a Good Guy as her sons were preparing to head out into the world. The project was inspired, in part, by her anxiety (have I taught them everything they need to know?) and, in part, by cultural changes. Thanks to the #MeToo movement and a slew of highly publicized stories of powerful men beh...

ON BOYS promo 60 seconds

Raising Boys in an Era of Girl Power (Listener Q & A)

Photo by Valerie Everett via Flickr Raising boys brings up all kinds of questions. No matter how long you've been parenting, educating or working with boys, you're bound to stumble into a situation that you don't quite know how to handle -- on a weekly basis. At least. In this listener Q & A, we tackle some evergreen questions. Jen also tells you about a time she lied to her parents. :) Matt asks: How do you help boys find their own, positive path in an increasingly girl-dominated environ...

Coping With Coronavirus

How are you coping with coronavirus?  Our lives have undergone some pretty massive disruptions over the past few weeks, and it looks like more changes may be on the horizon. We'll all learning new ways of connecting and communicating -- and we're all a bit scared and overwhelmed. That's why we recorded & released this special bonus episode. It's packed full of practical advice and inspiration. Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: ZOOM Video Conferencing - We use ZOOM to rec...

Happy SECOND Anniversary to ON BOYS

Two years. More than 100 episodes covering important topics such as boys & sex, masculinity, ADHD, mental health, honesty & so much more. But on our SECOND anniversary, we're most grateful for the relationships we've created. We're no longer simply co-hosts or colleagues; we're friends. We enjoy talking to one another as much as (we hope) you enjoy listening to us. We're also grateful for the professional connections we've made as a result of this podcast. This year alone, we spoke with S...

Twice Exceptional Boys (w Ramsey Hootman)

Do you know what the term "2e" means? Photo by Jesper Sehested Pluslexia via Flickr 2e is short for "twice exceptional," a term used to refer to people who are both highly gifted and learning disabled. As you might imagine, meeting the social, emotional and educational needs of a 2e child is quite a challenge. Ramsey Hootman is an author and mom of two, including a 10 year old boy who prefers to be called B-Bot, his gaming handle. B-Bot is twice exceptional -- super intellectually gifted y...

Understanding Male Development: Baby Boys & Toddlers

Baby boys' testosterone levels are nearly the same as teenage boys'. But for the first few weeks after conception, well, there's no discernible difference between a male embryo and a female embryo. The testosterone surge that occurs in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters of pregnancy is responsible for the cascade of developmental changes that what differentiates a boy baby from a girl baby, and from then on, "testosterone drive the bus," Janet says. Photo by roxie_jc via Flickr Understanding male ...

Helping Boys Grow Into Healthy Men (w Ted Bunch)

How can we help our boys grow into healthy men? Ted Bunch, chief development officer of A Call to Men, says he thinks that the key is to support our boys as they become their authentic selves. Ted Bunch "I think the biggest challenge for us is really allowing our boys to show us, say to us and demonstrate to us who they really are," Bunch says, without us excessively trying to mold them. Our job isn't to make boys conform; our job is "to allow them to blossom, to really show who they are."...

Boys and Sex with Peggy Orenstein

Talking about boys and sex can be uncomfortable. But if want our boys (and girls and non-binary children) to have healthy, safe, fulfilling sexual relationships, it's essential. And there's the hitch, right? A lot of us don't even want to think about our children having sexual relationships -- and when we do talk to our kids about sex, it's typically because we don't want them to become pregnant, we don't want them to get a disease, and we don't them to be hurt or arrested. Rarely is our foc...

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ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude

Approximately 3-10% of children have ADHD (attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder). Many of them -- the majority, in fact -- are boys. Today's guest, Ryan Wexelblatt (aka ADHD Dude) describes ADHD as "an executive function developmental delay." What that means: In all humans, the brain's prefrontal cortex (or "frontal lobe") acts as the operating system for the brain. It controls impulses, understand time and helps us weigh the potential consequences of our actions. In kids who have ADHD, ...

Teaching Honesty in a World That Lies (w Judi Ketteler)

Is honesty the best policy?  Not necessarily, says Judi Ketteler, author of Would I Lie to You? The Amazing Power of Being Honest in a World That Lies. If Judi's name (and voice) sound familiar to you, it's because she's been on the podcast before: in Oct. 2018, she talked to us about parenting risk-taking boys. (Her son, Maxx, is into Gtramp, an extreme trampoline sport.) We all want our boys to be decent, honest human beings, but the truth is, honesty isn't a black-and-white issue. As Jud...

Supporting Black Boys’ Mental Health (w Chandra White-Cummings)

Suicide rates among black boys ages 13-19 rose 60% from 2001 to 2017. And for children ages 5-12, black males are committing suicide at higher rates than any other racial or ethnic group. Significant numbers of black boys are ending their lives before puberty. This is not OK. "There is a lot of discussion going on about suicide, mental health, emotional wellness and stigma, much of it centered around what's going on in the African-American and other communities of color," says today's gues...

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Dealing with Change, Anxiety & Energy (Listener Q & A)

Photo by Kevin Dooley via Flickr How do you help boys deal with change and anxiety? And how can parents deal with boys' incessant energy?  Those are just a few of the questions we tackle in our first listener Q & A of 2020! Jacquie asked: How do you help boys adjust to change and uncomfortable situations (new school, daycare, meeting new kids...)? Eden and Katie also wanted advice on helping boys (and themselves) cope with anxiety, albeit at different ends of the age spectrum. Eden asked: ...

Meagan Francis of The Mom Hour: Parenting in the Digital Age

Meagan Francis has been writing, blogging and podcasting about parenting for the better part of 20 years. You might not know her name, but odds are good you've seen a photo of her: That's Meagan, in the hot pink dress. And that's one of her (four) boys under her arm. (Meagan also has a daughter.) If you have kids -- and you probably do, if you're listening to this podcast -- you know that look on her face. You've felt that combination of frustration and determination. And that, likely, is ...

Which Apps are APPropriate? (w Jo Langford)

Jo LangfordSex educator & author How much do you know about the apps KIK, WeChat and My LOL? If you're like most parents, the answer is "not much" (if anything!). You know that cell phones and social media are an important part of tween and teen culture -- in fact, digital communication is the primary source of social connection for many kids today -- but you don't really understand what they do online. As an adult, you're well aware of the potential risks of digital communication, but are ...

Best of 2019

340%. The ON BOYS audience grew by 340% this year. We now have listeners in more than 110 countries, including the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, India, South Africa, Sri Lanka, Botswana and Bolivia -- which means that our message of support for boys is resonating and empowering parents worldwide. This year, we hosted 33 guests, ranging of Phyllis Fagell of Middle School Matters fame to Katy Rank Lev, an ON BOYS listener who shared with us the reality of parenting three young son...

Raising Boys Documentary

CBSN recently released a new documentary, Raising Boys. Among those featured in the documentary: our very own Jennifer L.W. Fink. The intent of the documentary, says producer Kayla Ruble, was to examine "what issues lead to the headlines" that so often announce stories of men behaving badly. The intent was to search for answers to the question that is on the mind of every parent of boys: How do we raise good men?  The documentary features 6  families -- David French, a dad who discusses ...

Personal Hygiene for Tween & Teen Boys

We initially ran this episode in July 2018. But we've gained a lot of followers since then and tween & teen boys have not suddenly gotten better at personal hygiene in the interim. If you're sick of fighting with your boy about hygiene, this episode is a must-listen. Photo by Kasey Eriksen via Flickr Have a boy who hates to shower? You are not alone! When a mom recently asked the Building Boys Facebook group, “Anyone else have a teenage boy who hates to shower?” she was quickly inundated ...

Middle School Matters with Phyllis Fagell

"Middle school," Phyillis Fagell says, "is a stew of simmering hormones, shifting relationships and increased expectations." It's also a time of massive confusion and overwhelm -- for middle school boys and their parents. Phyllis Fagell is a school counselor and the author of Middle School Matters: The 10 Key Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School & Beyond and How Parents Can Help. She's also a mom of three; her youngest son is currently in 6th grade. While many of us view the middle ...

How to Teach Boys Gratitude

Image by Kate Ware via Flickr How do you teach boys gratitude? So many parents today are frustrated by their boys' apparent lack of gratitude. All too often, our boys come off as ungrateful, entitled jerks -- and it bugs the bejeezus out of us! We're embarrassed, we're annoyed and we secretly feel like failures, because surely good parents would raise grateful, gracious children, right? Well, the truth is that all children are self-centered; that's part of being a child! As children grow, ...

Paul Tough on What Boys Need to Know About College

How important is college? That's a fraught question for many families, particularly in an age of rapid technological change and occupational insecurity. We've been told that education is the key to success, but post-secondary education is priced like a luxury item, at least here in the U.S. In his new book, The Years That Matter Most: How College Makes or Breaks Us, author Paul Tough writes, "for many young Americans, [the U.S. system of higher education] functions as...an obstacle to mobil...

Parenting on Purpose with Dr. Vanessa LaPointe

"You will be brought to your knees in the act of parenting." -- Dr. Vanessa Lapointe Parenting boys is not an easy gig! So often, we are confronted with situations that we simply don't know how to handle. What does one do when your two-year-old insists on pooping in the corner? How should you respond when your tween calls you a "bitch?" What's an appropriate consequence for a boy who's failing all his classes because he refuses to do any of the work? Vanessa Lapointe, a child psychologist a...

The Military Wife and Mom with Lauren Tamm

November is Military Family Month. We Americans pause on November 11 to recognize the sacrifices of our veterans. This month, let's also remember the sacrifices of their families. If you think it's hard to raise boys, try raising boys in a military environment. Frequent moves and deployments challenge the whole family! Lauren Tamm, creator of The Military Wife and Mom, is a mom of two (a boy and a girl); she's also married to an active-duty Marine. She's passionate about helping parents, te...

Charlie Capen on Fatherhood and Raising Boys

Charlie Capen Humor, says Charlie Capen, is one of the most important tools in parenting. But this actor/musician/writer/dad-of-two-boys isn't afraid to get serious either. Capen is one of the founders of HowToBeADad.com, which he freely admits uses humor as a way to get guys to talk and think about parenting. A generation ago, there were few -- if any -- spaces for dads to discuss the challenges of parenthood. Today's dads often grew up with career-focused fathers who spent little time on...

How Shame Harms Boys

Photo by Grey World via Flickr What do you do if a teacher shames your son in front of the class?  For many parents, this is not an abstract question. Teachers, coaches, bus drivers and yes, even parents still use shame to shape kids' behavior. Adults yell at children in front of their peers, berate them for a lack of effort, criticize their attempts...and children's spirits shrivel. Shame is a universal human experience. According to the Oxford dictionary, shame is "a painful feeling of h...

Helping Teens Cope with Anxiety, Depression & More

It's not easy to talk to boys about anxiety, depression and mental health. And yet, in a world in which 1 in 8 kids has an anxiety disorder and 2-3% of children ages 6-12 have serious depression and suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for young people ages 15-24, not talking about these topics is irresponsible. You wouldn't skip the sex talk, would you? (If so, click over to this episode right now!) As adults, it's our job to equip our children with the skills they need to deal with w...

Steve Biddulph on Raising Boys

Australian author and psychologist Steve Biddulph was one of the first to highlight the unique needs of boys. In the mid-1990s, "Steve went out on a limb to stand up for boys and men in a time when, culturally, the focus was really on girls and women," Janet says. His books, including The Secrets of Happy Children and Manhood, have been translated into more than 30 languages. The 1997 classic Raising Boys: Why Boys are So Different - and How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balance Men ch...

Parenting Tween & Teenage Boys

Are all teenage boys jerks? That's the question we tackle in this episode, albeit with some more colorful language. (Heads up: If you're opposed to the word "asshole," you might want to skip this episode. If you've ever thought to yourself, "When did my kid become such an asshole?!?" you're definitely going to want to listen!) Raising tween & teen boys is hard. That's why so many parents of teens are desperate for information, help & support. And that's why Sue Borison & Stephanie Silverman...

Parent From Love, Not Fear (w Bryan Post)

The secret to parenting success  -- & satisfaction -- is simple: Parent from love, not fear.  Bryan Post So says Bryan Post, founder of The Post Institute for Family Centered Therapy. Adopted as a child, Post experienced the difficulties that can arise when a child's needs conflict with a parent's experience. His adopted sister was born prematurely due to fetal alcohol syndrome and spent the first months of her life in an incubator, which stunted her emotional development. His well-meaning ...

Teaching Boys Respect

Photo by Martin Abegglen via Flickr What is respect? We tell our boys all the time to "show some respect!" and to "respect your teachers," and worry about whether or not our boys know how to respect girls and women. But what does that mean? Defining respect, we've learned, is trickier than it seems at first glance, and if you and your son (or you and your parenting partner) are working with different definitions of "respect," you're likely to find yourself frustrated. According to the dic...

Parenting Boys with Maggie Dent – Part 2

More Maggie Dent! (If you haven't yet listened to Part 1 of our conversation, go listen to that one first. Then come back for more Maggie!) In this episode, Maggie, Janet & Jen discuss: How to help elementary school boys handle their frustration when they get in trouble at school Boys’ inclination toward protecting others How to support boys’ interest in superhero boy & play fighting How to deconstruct the “man code” and help boys’ live authentically How to talk so boys will list...

Parenting Boys with Maggie Dent – Part 1

Maggie Dent Our friend Maggie Dent  will be in British Columbia later this month, so we thought this would be a great time to re-share her wisdom & encouragement! Maggie the mom of four now-grown boys, a parenting educator & author of numerous books, including Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Moms of Sons. This conversation was originally recorded in December 2018 but the advice here is timeless. Enjoy! Some gems: Moms, be careful not to shatter your boys’ dreams or fantastic plans with you...

Why Boy Moms Need Mentors Too

Google "boy mentors" and you'll get more than 20,000,000 results. Search for "mentors for boy moms" and you'll get just over 900,000 results -- and most are resources to help single moms find male mentors for their sons.You'll find next-to-nothing about how to find a mentor for yourself. But moms need mentors too. When Jen & Janet met recently (for the first time! at a podcast conference), they heard a talk about the importance of female mentors. The presenter, Robyn Sayles, pointed out the...

“My Boy Can” Parenting

At age 4, Sassy Harvey's son was told that if he dances, he must be a girl. Or gay.  Not surprisingly, he quit dance class soon after that. It's 2019. Girls, we know can become astronauts and scientists and ministers and presidents. But boys who dance are STILL routinely perceived as gay and effeminate. In fact, according to a recent study of male ballet dancers: 93% of boys involved in ballet report "teasing and name calling" 68% experience "verbal or physical harassment" 11% were v...