Resistance and Change

Why do we resist change? The simple answer is that it upsets the status quo, takes us out of our comfort zone, we don’t know what’s going to happen when we do change, and we’re scared. I think if we acknowledge the simple truth that we are scared of change because just don’t know if we can deal with it or what is going to happen to us, we would stop trying to pretend to be brave about it and look at change as a step by step process instead of a chaotic mess that we can avoid by being resistant to change.

You know the expression ‘what we resist persists’ and that is not necessarily true. What we resist doesn’t happen but that doesn’t mean that the spark of a new awakened potential doesn’t still beckon us to consider it as an option. We can have that light of an awakened potential blinding us with its brilliance but if we are scared we are going to close our eyes and ignore it as long as we can. 

What does it mean to resist? The word resist means to  ‘remain standing’ or to oppose an action. So when we resist we are in opposition and that is a good position to be in when we feel we do not have enough information to say yes to change and no to the status quo. We rather like the status quo, it’s what we know, where we can anticipate the future, and it is where we can feel that we are in control.

Sometimes we resist out of a desire to affirm our control even if that is not the best option.

Sometimes we resist because we don’t trust ourselves to handle the change.

We can resist because we are more afraid of success and of what it will do to our lives than we are of staying where we are or experiencing failure.

And we resist for a myriad of personal reasons, many of which have to do with being afraid. A few weeks ago my weekly article and podcast was on the subject of truth and consequences and I said that we allow ourselves to acknowledge a truth to the extent that we are willing to accept its consequences. 

If the consequences are too scary, big, life changing, or control impacting, we will resist that truth, even if we know it is true.

Take the example of one of my clients, I’ll call her Maria, who had come to me about a relationship that she was desperately trying to keep together. I told her the man was cheating on her, lying to her, and would eventually leave her for someone else. She told me I was wrong, I didn’t understand him, they were in love, etc. The truth was that Maria was afraid of being alone, had abandonment issues, and thought that she could change this man into a loving, committed partner. I heard from her occasionally over a 2 year period and my answer was always the same while she was still trying to keep the relationship together in spite of being treated with great disrespect and a huge lack of consideration. 

Eventually the man did leave and Maria was devastated. When she called me again she acknowledged that she had worked so hard, much too hard, to keep the relationship together and had resisted my advice, as well as that of everyone she knew, to let him go. But she resisted out of fear and a desire to turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse, as the saying goes. This man could have been anyone and the situation was the same. Her fear of facing her life alone was the reason she held on to the relationship for so long and resisted letting it go even though she had many reasons to. In fact, she was willing to overlook all of his bad behavior because she was so resistant to change.

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