372 Pages We'll Never Get Back
176 episodes - English - Latest episode: 10 days ago - ★★★★★ - 524 ratingsConor Lastowka and Michael J. Nelson are reading books they're pretty sure they're going to hate. Read along with us for a podcast book clubs of Ready Player One, Armada, The Eye of Argon, Dan Brown, and more!
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Episodes
Ep 72 – Bobby Digital in Stereo
April 13, 2020 13:23 - 2 hours - 62.9 MBMan, so much to talk about and so so much is talked about!!* Highlights: A withered naked old woman struggles with a bedpan. The smell of urine is in the air. Are the two things connected? You’ll have to listen to find out. All of our heroes (or are they heroes [SFX tension sting]?) chuckle … Continue reading "Ep 72 – Bobby Digital in Stereo"
Ep 71 – If “Bizarre Foods” Went Horny
April 06, 2020 14:50 - 2 hours - 52.7 MBA straightforward Dan Brown thriller, if by straightforward you mean vastly underpaid Georgetown professors sticking their heads into drinking fountains and forcing their strange dietary habits on unwitting squash partners. We also hear from some experts on language and cryptography (and general human behavior, for that matter) about the many many things Mr. Brown gets … Continue reading "Ep 71 – If “Bizarre Foods” Went Horny"
Episode 70 – Potato Pudding and Space Catalogs
March 10, 2020 14:20 - 2 hours - 62 MBAlas, today we finish Moon People by Dale M. Courtney. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve eaten cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster and then gotten busy as hell afterwards. But there’s only one way to bring this saga to a close: run the thing into a ditch and hitchhike away from it when it’s still … Continue reading "Episode 70 – Potato Pudding and Space Catalogs"
Episode 69 – I Seen All Good People
March 03, 2020 18:22 - 2 hours - 62.5 MBIn the middle third of Moon People our hero David Braymer… does NOT go to the moon, or meet people from the moon. But fittingly for this number episode, he does get busy as hell! Following what must have been the most erotic Red Lobster dinner in all of recorded history, Cheral is consumed with … Continue reading "Episode 69 – I Seen All Good People"
Episode 68 – Still Tippin’ on 222s
February 18, 2020 13:31 - 2 hours - 58.7 MBHey, there he is! The shadow has lifted from the moon, and from our souls, and MOON PEOPLE is the glorious result! There’s so much to discuss here, so pledge to yourselves and to God that you won’t tell anyone else about it and we’ll get started! There’s: -DMC’s never before seen method of writing … Continue reading "Episode 68 – Still Tippin’ on 222s"
Book 11 Announcement
February 10, 2020 14:09 - 8 minutes - 12.2 MBHere it is, the 11th bad book we’re going to read together. It’s going to be way more enjoyable than Shadow Moon. This short announcement was part of a longer Patreon exclusive mailbag, our supporters have been reading the book for a week already. Lucky them! You can join the fun here: patreon.com/372pages Book 11 … Continue reading "Book 11 Announcement"
Episode 67 – The Worst Book We’ve Ever Read
January 30, 2020 09:08 - 1 hour - 52.2 MB452 pages, 2 blood whips, and one StagLord later, we have finished SHADOW MOON by George Lucas and Chris Claremont. Much like Thorn/Willow, we are now very tired. Unlike our protagonist, we’ve been lying on the floor for three hours now (being tired) but it has not yet granted us permission to enter. There’s a … Continue reading "Episode 67 – The Worst Book We’ve Ever Read"
Episode 66 – We Come to Bury Burys
January 14, 2020 16:08 - 2 hours - 58.3 MBA shocking Very Special Episode! A first in the history of the podcast, possibly a first for any podcast! The smelly, repugnant, filth-caked, farm-animal-of-a-girl Elora is discussed at length which leads to not one BUT two shocking bathroom tales from Mike and Conor! (Can you get that from Conan’s podcast, I think not?!) All the … Continue reading "Episode 66 – We Come to Bury Burys"
Episode 65 – Pig Girl Wrecks the Can
January 07, 2020 15:25 - 2 hours - 62.7 MBHappy new year everyone! A new decade has dawned and we are still reading Shadow Moon. In this segment, to the author’s credit, some stuff actually happens! Unfortunately what happens is that a nude otter-man crashes through the roof of a tavern and the sacred princess takes a dump. Fortunately, we’re able to gain more … Continue reading "Episode 65 – Pig Girl Wrecks the Can"
Episode 64 – Willow Loves Willow
December 26, 2019 15:22 - 1 hour - 51.6 MBMike and Conor have a pretty straightforward discussion about how Thorn née Willow formerly “the floor” kinda sorta transforms into The Demon / A Dragon / Some Stones / a Liquid Mass of His Own Melted Organs / Some Shards / A Mountain / a Swimmer / a Fish, etc., and in that state puffs … Continue reading "Episode 64 – Willow Loves Willow"
Episode 63 – Shadow Moon: Episoude the Fourth
December 16, 2019 16:40 - 2 hours - 57.4 MBA jam-packed episode made all the more thrilling because Mike’s computer crashed twice while making it. Was it ensorcelled by a HardDriveHeron with CrashCharms? We may never know. What else? Pretty straightforward, nothing really stands out — Oh, wait: Willow becomes a floor. I think that’s pretty self-explanatory. If you enjoy the podcast, please consider … Continue reading "Episode 63 – Shadow Moon: Episoude the Fourth"
Episode 62 – Llamacorn sez, “Well coat my meat in peanut sauce, it’s a new ep!”
December 10, 2019 14:50 - 1 hour - 46.9 MBGather round victuallers and chandlers, alike! Lacquer your fur down and join us as we dig further into the Thillow-verse. Can Mike get a soild D or D- in Real or Fanfic? How’s Thorn’s stand-up routine (the dark web knows)? Can Conor pronounce “magus” any better than “Ogden”? What’s the theoretical limit for a book’s … Continue reading "Episode 62 – Llamacorn sez, “Well coat my meat in peanut sauce, it’s a new ep!”"
Episode 61 – Don’t Put Ketchup on your Death Dog
December 02, 2019 13:43 - 2 hours - 51.8 MBAh, Shadow Moon… That’s a name we haven’t heard in a long time… Well, a week at least! Join us as we continue our deep dive into the Lucas/Claremont saga “Shadow Moon”. This section begins with a bunch of Death Dogs getting impaled, decapitated, and having various organs thrown into raging infernos. We’ll debate whether … Continue reading "Episode 61 – Don’t Put Ketchup on your Death Dog"
Episode 60 – This Podcast is now named Thorn Drumheller
November 22, 2019 14:55 - 2 hours - 54.4 MBStep into the WillowVerse for our first discussion of George Lucas & Chris Claremont’s “SHADOW MOON”! Things get sexy right off the bat, and never let up (if you consider descriptions of hair that is one color but has streaks of another color in it to be sexy. We do.) We’ll meet some of our … Continue reading "Episode 60 – This Podcast is now named Thorn Drumheller"
Episode 59 – Book 10
November 13, 2019 15:49 - 29 minutes - 12.6 MBCline Cline Theis Shatlart Thrash Pappy James Harris Stoker… Who’s next? Listen and find out! (Hey! Patreon supporters have known about this book for a week already and have been snatching up the cheapest used copies! Join them for early access to every episode, bonus eps, videos, contests, and more! patreon.com/372pages )
Episode 58 – China Worm Sunflower
October 23, 2019 13:38 - 2 hours - 58.7 MBThree hypnotizing attempts, two destroyed castles, and countless walnuts later, Lair of The White Worm comes to an end. Break out the medium-grade china and cream-jug, because this is one episode you won’t want to miss. The 372 Pages Improv Players will attempt to fill the void when the Dark Web comes up empty, and … Continue reading "Episode 58 – China Worm Sunflower"
Episode 57 – Well Hung Doors
October 15, 2019 17:31 - 2 hours - 54.9 MBIt’s our third episode discussing Bram Stoker’s “Lair of the White Worm”. If you like coherent horror stories, we apologize. But as a consolation, may we offer you dozens of sentences with upwards of seven commas in them? We get the best of what Bram has to offer here: conversations with old men in parlors, … Continue reading "Episode 57 – Well Hung Doors"
Episode 56 – For the Benefit of Evil Bird Kite
October 08, 2019 14:28 - 1 hour - 56 MBTo say that LOTWW took an unexpected turn in this section would be a slap in the face to unexpected turns. While it appeared to be inching (worm pun) its way toward an exploration of the enormous holes that TOTALLY PROVE the existence of giant worms, most of the second quarter of the book is … Continue reading "Episode 56 – For the Benefit of Evil Bird Kite"
Episode 55 – A Very Special Mongoose
October 01, 2019 13:23 - 2 hours - 62.2 MBBram, (or is it pronounced Bram) Stoker’s Dracula followup The Lair of the White Worm, is not very good. But there’s a lot to discuss! Adam Salton has willingly traveled halfway across the world to live with his elderly Grand-Uncle, which is frankly a clue that we’re not in for a relatable experience. But we … Continue reading "Episode 55 – A Very Special Mongoose"
Bonus Ep! The Live Show Recording Worked!
September 30, 2019 12:46 - 48 minutes - 22.1 MBRecorded live at Sisyphus Brewing in Minneapolis on 9/18/19, it’s a very special 372 Pages Live! Conor & Mike turn the tables on themselves, reading bad writing from Conor’s past. (Over two decades ago!) Mike either had no bad writing or it was somehow even worse than Conor’s, so he got Bridget to sub in … Continue reading "Bonus Ep! The Live Show Recording Worked!"
Bonus Ep – Interview with Famous Man John Hodgman
September 20, 2019 12:58 - 29 minutes - 16.7 MBA special 372 podcast with the author of forthcoming bestseller Medallion Status! Conor was essentially the inspiration for his new book and we’ve got the thrilling tale (it involves corgis.) We also put John on the spot as an editor, giving him elevator pitches for a few our past books. We’ll be back next week … Continue reading "Bonus Ep – Interview with Famous Man John Hodgman"
Episode 54 – Book 9
September 16, 2019 13:33 - 29 minutes - 18.1 MBWe’re on our ninth book! We now have enough bad books to field a baseball team or form our own personal Wu-Tang Clan of crappy literature. No reason to delay any further, hit play to find out what we’re reading next, and then come see us at our September 18th live show in Minneapolis! Oh, … Continue reading "Episode 54 – Book 9"
Episode 53 – Seven Days of Mystery, Drama, Excitement, Compassion, Horror, and Romance
September 03, 2019 12:23 - 2 hours - 106 MBWe finally finish Charles E. Harris aka The Horny Grandpa’s saga Trucking Through Time. Tension is high as we finally will get an answer to our big question: will the author handle things sloppily or hamfistedly?? There’s a big military standoff, sexy-time both across the river and in the breakdown lane of an interstate, and … Continue reading "Episode 53 – Seven Days of Mystery, Drama, Excitement, Compassion, Horror, and Romance"
Episode 52 – Hold Onto Your Buckskins
August 16, 2019 08:03 - 2 hours - 84.8 MBWe’ve got a jam-packed penultimate Trucking Through Time episode! Curvy wives! Horny grandpas! Easily accessible caches of cowboy hats! A surprising amount of discussion about James A. Garfield assassin Charles Guiteau. And a reminder to wash any pre-owned buckskins you buy at the thrift store! With only fifty pages left in Trucking Through Time, we … Continue reading "Episode 52 – Hold Onto Your Buckskins"
Episode 51 – Grandpa, No!
August 12, 2019 15:56 - 2 hours - 87.2 MBIn between the General reading reports, Trucking Through Time manages to fit in some genuinely insane moments. Our heroes literally get to meet God, and it’s the second craziest thing that happens. (The first is our favorite moment in all of literature.) We’ll listen in on some surreptitious recordings made by Harris’ family, examine the … Continue reading "Episode 51 – Grandpa, No!"
Episode 50 – Arthur “Three Socks” Jackson
July 31, 2019 23:41 - 2 hours - 76.4 MBIt’s our 50th episode! And to celebrate, Trucking Through Time gets a little…. sexy! If you thought groins were stirring and tightening in the mister, just wait til you see the effect Light Feather has on Chad! (He’s not going to need his last name, if you know what we mean…) Our occasional department of … Continue reading "Episode 50 – Arthur “Three Socks” Jackson"
Episode 49 – A Bad Day for the Home Team
July 23, 2019 13:37 - 2 hours - 74.9 MBHaving trucked through time, our heroes Chad Hand and Dale Rhea (seriously) must now deal with the perils of life in the late 17th or early 18th century. This mainly involves taping things to sticks and feeding a young boy pork and beans. We’ll also get to meet approximately three dozen members of the Sioux … Continue reading "Episode 49 – A Bad Day for the Home Team"
Episode 48 – Trucking Through Time
July 15, 2019 12:27 - 2 hours - 77.3 MBLoad your cooler up with knickknacks, good buddy, we’re in for a long haul! This is our first episode covering Charles E. Harris’ “Trucking Through Time” and if the first two chapters are any indication it’s going to be quite the journey! We’ll meet our heroes Chad and Dale, the comically mismatched duo who are … Continue reading "Episode 48 – Trucking Through Time"
Episode 47 – So do Albanian cars have seatbelts or what?
July 01, 2019 13:17 - 2 hours - 73.4 MBAs we wrap up our deep dive into EL James’ “The Mister”, we have a lot of questions. Well, one question really: What the hell? But also: Why was absolutely nothing resolved? Why do Maxim and Alessia treat her father like his opinion should matter at all? How much were they paying that translator? Is … Continue reading "Episode 47 – So do Albanian cars have seatbelts or what?"
Episode 46 – Bleriana’s Bucket
June 20, 2019 13:29 - 1 hour - 66.2 MBThis is now an all Bleriana, all the time podcast. Our favorite unseen character, who may or may not still be a sex slave when this book ends in fifty pages, makes another appearance, as Alessia finally recounts the story of her evil Betrothed and her journey to England. Despite her saying “I love you” … Continue reading "Episode 46 – Bleriana’s Bucket"
Episode 45 – Wherefore Art Thou, Bleriana?
June 13, 2019 14:20 - 2 hours - 76.3 MBOur second favorite trafficking victim does NOT show up in this section of The Mister, but other than that, it’s jam packed. Anesthesia, post-trauma boning, and approximately 3/4 of a page of honest to god drama and tension! Join us on Patreon! Get every episode early plus other fun stuff like cooking shows! patreon.com/372pages Mike … Continue reading "Episode 45 – Wherefore Art Thou, Bleriana?"
Episode 44 – Male Tasting Fingers
June 04, 2019 15:00 - 1 hour - 68.1 MBThis episode is nearly two hours long, despite the fact that if you cut out all the sex from these five chapters, all our characters did was buy shoes and play chess. Oh, and they saw a deer. Our patreon supporters have been listening to this episode all weekend! Join the fun and get every … Continue reading "Episode 44 – Male Tasting Fingers"
Episode 43 – Music for your what now?
May 28, 2019 14:16 - 1 hour - 69.3 MBWARNING: This section of The Mister may contain the dumbest sentence we’ve ever covered on this show. Join us in pastoral Cornwall, where Maxim and the entrancing Alessia, who’s beauty, we’re often reminded, is very beautiful, are hiding out from Albania sex traffickers. What do they do to pass the time? What any two attractive … Continue reading "Episode 43 – Music for your what now?"
Episode 42 – Not A Groin Was Stirring
May 21, 2019 12:47 - 1 hour - 69.9 MBIn part two of our deep dive into The Mister, author EL James gives her audience exactly what they came for: Sex! Nobody actually having it, of course, but people are being trafficked for it in a cheap attempt to lend gravitas to a tawdry romance novel! We were so disgusted our groins barely stirred … Continue reading "Episode 42 – Not A Groin Was Stirring"
Episode 41 – Handsome Buttocks
May 14, 2019 12:29 - 1 hour - 66.6 MBWho’s ready to get British and horny?? This is our first episode devoted to The Mister by EL James, and it’s obviously unlike anything we’ve read on here before. We’ll examine the author’s clever methods for padding out the book length, as well as some very surprising similarities to the works of Ernest Cline. We’ll … Continue reading "Episode 41 – Handsome Buttocks"
Episode 40 – Book Number Seven
May 06, 2019 13:21 - 30 minutes - 18.4 MBTime to start our seventh book together! This one promises to be quite the journey. Don’t want to ruin this surprise, so get listening! Oh and by the way, our Patreon supporters have been reading this book all weekend because they get every episode early! Lucky them…? If you want to join them, we really … Continue reading "Episode 40 – Book Number Seven"
Episode 39 – Broken Camera Blues
April 25, 2019 13:37 - 27 minutes - 17.3 MBWe are back after a week in Nashville! While we were there, we figured that we would take advantage of the opportunity to record face to face. So we recorded a dynamic, hilarious, touching video rattling off some potential Next Book candidates (it was well shot too.) Unfortunately, Mike had a checked bag mishap with … Continue reading "Episode 39 – Broken Camera Blues"
Episode 38 – 160 Pages We’ll Never Get Back
April 11, 2019 12:59 - 1 hour - 62.1 MBThank god this book was not 372 pages long. Neither of us could have handled that. Bob Honey was fortunately only 160, and even so, managed to have three different characters crap their pants, two of them in this final section. It’s a fitting metaphor for something, but we’ll be damned if we’re going to … Continue reading "Episode 38 – 160 Pages We’ll Never Get Back"
Episode 37 – I Laugh a lot When I Write
April 04, 2019 14:09 - 1 hour - 55.3 MBOur favorite unreliable narrator who is also a toilet salesman/mallet assassin is back to bring his book into the homestretch! We’ve got brand new onomatopoeias, lipstick smeared on teeth, and of course, boatloads of alliteration. There’s also a literal boat, which our hero uses to abandon Hurricane Katrina relief effort volunteers to their death. (this … Continue reading "Episode 37 – I Laugh a lot When I Write"
Episode 36 – We’re Baffled By The Cherry Water
March 27, 2019 13:04 - 1 hour - 66.8 MBThe enigma that is Bob Honey continues to baffle and frustrate us. From offering guests a drink that no human has ever consumed (and they accept??), to possessing a secret preternatural scuba diving activity, to being unable to comprehend basic figures of speech. Oh, and he’s a literal superhero we find out too! So that’s … Continue reading "Episode 36 – We’re Baffled By The Cherry Water"
Episode 35 – Uh… OK?
March 19, 2019 13:20 - 1 hour - 78.2 MBSean Penn certainly has written a collective of words arranged into sentences! There’s a lot to discuss in our first episode diving into Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff. There’s the mysterious backstory Penn created for the book, the maddening alliteration, and the book’s strange ability to make you dislike stuff you previously thought you … Continue reading "Episode 35 – Uh… OK?"
Episode 34 – A 160 Page Self-Own
March 11, 2019 13:21 - 37 minutes - 17.6 MBWell, here is the new book we all get to read together! We apologize for nothing!! And hey, a bunch of listeners requested this one, so if you want someone to blame we will name names! But in all seriousness, this should be very fun, and will be a welcome change of pace from the … Continue reading "Episode 34 – A 160 Page Self-Own"
Episode 33 – Checkmate
February 27, 2019 13:25 - 2 hours - 62.5 MBAll good things must come to an end. On a completely unrelated note, this book also must come to an end. And what an ending it is! After pages and pages of repeated text and detailed descriptions of the families of characters who are never mentioned again, we get some actual, honest to god plot … Continue reading "Episode 33 – Checkmate"
Episode 32 – Ctrl-V, Repeat
February 19, 2019 22:41 - 2 hours - 59.4 MBWho is the Sheriff of 372 Pages? Sorry, just trying out our new catchphrase. Nobody better be laughing!! We have an absolutely jam packed episode this week, because despite maybe 40% of this week’s assigned reading being the same block of typo-ridden copy/paste text, there was a lot to talk about. Potential suspects! Power couples … Continue reading "Episode 32 – Ctrl-V, Repeat"
Episode 31 – I, Titus Uno
February 12, 2019 16:28 - 1 hour - 139 MBAssemble your various financial certification acronyms and have Veronica Jackson clear your schedule, because we’ve got a doozy of an episode! So much to unpack here in our first discussion of The Forensic Certified Public Accountant and the Cremated 64-SQUARES Financial Statements. We’ve got kidnapped mascots, hi-tech spy gear, and world record fast marriage proposals. … Continue reading "Episode 31 – I, Titus Uno"
Episode 30 – Manifesto in Book Form
February 04, 2019 04:34 - 37 minutes - 25.9 MBWell, we’ve found a new book to read together, and it certainly appears to be something special. More in the vein of “Eye of Argon”, this is one that was never going to hit the best seller list. But based on early scans it seems like it will be a lot of fun to dive … Continue reading "Episode 30 – Manifesto in Book Form"
Episode 29 – What The Hell Was That?
January 16, 2019 18:38 - 2 hours - 106 MBWell, the pace sure as hell was unrelenting, folks. We’ve reached the end of TekWar, and there both is and isn’t a lot to talk about. Chest-high walls, disdainful robot pimps, the brief and wondrous life of Sonny Hokori are all just the tip of the iceberg. Thanks to all who hitched their wagons to … Continue reading "Episode 29 – What The Hell Was That?"
Episode 28 – Al’s House of Lucite
January 08, 2019 16:05 - 1 hour - 71.3 MBIf you’d told us way back in Episode 25 – Meetings About Sonny Hokori, if we’d still be having meetings about Sonny Hokori 150 pages later, we would have thrown the book across the room. And yet, here we are. We’re back after the holiday break (feeling kind of glum, guess we just miss Ogden … Continue reading "Episode 28 – Al’s House of Lucite"
Episode 27 – A Heavy Airquotes Simple Plan
December 21, 2018 13:41 - 1 hour - 62.3 MBChapter 22 of Tekwar may be the second stupidest chapter we’ve read on this podcast. The first, of course, being the one in Armada where The Emissary just, you know, cures cancer and every other disease. But this one is close. We will explain why in great detail. We’ll also FINALLY meet one of the … Continue reading "Episode 27 – A Heavy Airquotes Simple Plan"
Episode 26 – Located in the Exact Center of your Podcast App
December 11, 2018 21:32 - 1 hour - 59.7 MBRoll your cartoon wolf tongues back into your mouths, we’ve got a new episode! This week we finally get to meet the lusted after Beth Kittridge… Well, kind of… Mike also coins a new, revolting portmanteau for our favorite author duo: Shatlart, while Conor does his best to try to pronounce the name Ogden, which … Continue reading "Episode 26 – Located in the Exact Center of your Podcast App"