Josie: I’m Doing IVF Treatments, But Now I’m On The Fence About It

We explore the often overlooked and complex topic of longing for a baby. We discuss the struggles of couples who have been together for a long time and haven't been able to conceive, and identify the difficulties in expressing such a deep desire. We talk about the various options couples can explore to increase their chances of having a baby, as well as the importance of being honest with each other about your desires. Ultimately, this podcast serves to remind us that even when the odds don't seem to be in your favor, there is still hope.

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SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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Transcript

Transcript

[0:00:00] Josie: I don't know if I'm just protecting myself because we've been together for so long and it's never happened and I feel like it's not going to happen. So I don't want to say out loud how much I want to have a baby, if that makes sense.

[0:00:20] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret mine. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood sex and love Addict. A four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon. Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm brienne. Davis. Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others.

[0:01:12] Brianne Davis: You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really. The how, the what, the when, the where and the why of it all. Today. My guest is Josie. Now, Josie, I have a question for you. Dun, dun, dun... what is your secret?

[0:01:35] Josie: My secret is I have been going through IVF treatments and I'm kind of on the fence about if I actually want to do this or not.

[0:01:46] Brianne Davis: Really? How long have you been going through this?

[0:01:51] Josie: So my husband and I have been married for ten years and what's funny is when I first met him, like I was baby crazy. I wanted to have baby so bad. He's younger than I am, so he wasn't ready. And now in the last five years or so, things have kind of reversed and he's the one who's really baby crazy. I'm kind of over it. I don't know if I'm just protecting myself because we've been together for so long and it's never happened and I feel like it's not going to happen. So I don't want to say out loud how much I want to have a baby, if that makes sense. Or I don't know if it's just like now I'm in my feel like, who the hell wants to have a kid in their forty s? And I was thinking my kid is going to be six years older, maybe in my 50s. Like, oh my God, it sounds awful. Yeah.

[0:02:42] Brianne Davis: No, I get it. And I feel like the reason I wanted to have you on and I'm just saying it, we are friends and you haven't really disclosed this and I remember you talked about it a couple of times and I have a kid now and it's like I never wanted a kid. And you did when we were talking a long time ago. And how did that you've been going through this journey and how long have you been doing IVF and what's the process been like.

[0:03:14] Josie: So we started IBF and egg retrieval and all that about two and a half years ago.

[0:03:22] Brianne Davis: And it was like around the time we met.

[0:03:25] Josie: Yes. And I was kind of okay with doing it. My husband really wanted to have children, and I felt like, well, I think I'd be a good mom. I'm a great dog mom.

[0:03:40] Brianne Davis: Hey, that's important. Dogs prepare you for motherhood.

[0:03:45] Josie: It's so funny. I've heard that. And then when you tell that to people who have children, they're like, it's nothing like it.

[0:03:50] Brianne Davis: Well, it is nothing like it, but it prepares you to be responsible for another human being, but it's a whole other level, right?

[0:03:58] Josie: Yeah. And then you and I have talked about this when I first met you, and you weren't really crazy about having children, and look at you now. So I'm kind of wondering and I know I'm your guest, but I'm kind of wondering how's that with you having a child and you weren't baby crazy your whole life.

[0:04:15] Brianne Davis: Well, here's the thing, and that's why I wanted to talk to you about it. We both come from such different perspectives. I never wanted a child, and then finally when I decided to have a child, I'm older, too, and when he's ten, I'm going to be almost 50. And I'm exhausted. Girls. I'm exhausted. And we're old parents. So a part of me, when you're saying, I don't want to be 40 something or 50 when I have a six year old, I'm going ding, ding, ding. Yes, it's exhausting. But I also am really glad I did it because it's given me a bigger purpose in life. But then at the same time, girl, like, I brought a child into this crazy world that I have. It's just out of control. And I'm like, I can't believe I brought a child into this world.

[0:05:15] Josie: And that's the other thing. Like, would you really want to bring a child into this crazy world right now? Especially, it's not as if we would just accidentally get pregnant. It's kind of a plan thing. And I think when you start thinking, you just think too much about it. It's not the right time. What's it going to be like when you have to put so much thought into it? It's really scary because you're making that decision to, I just I'm going to do this, and you're putting a lot.

[0:05:43] Brianne Davis: Of money into it. I mean, how much is the IVF? Can you tell me that?

[0:05:47] Josie: So I'm in Canada, we're 20 grand in and they were able to get twelve eggs, and only a certain amount, like live, and then out of the seven that lived, only one is a good embryo for implantation. So it's also disappointing, right? I'm in my have twelve eggs. I'm like, holy crap, I'm amazing. I got twelve eggs as a woman.

[0:06:11] Brianne Davis: Because they tell you at what, 30, 35, that you're drying up pretty much yeah.

[0:06:18] Josie: You know what they said to me? They said to me, you would be a geriatric pregnancy. I almost died. I swear to God. I'm like, you guys need to come up with a better fucking name than geriatric pregnancy.

[0:06:31] Brianne Davis: That's just mean. That's actually abusive to a woman.

[0:06:35] Josie: I feel my gosh saying that in front of my younger husband. I was like, oh, my gosh, this is awful. So if there's a lot of emotions, there's a lot of disappointment. You get excited, you have all these eggs, and then a lot of them don't survive. And then when they do survive, when they put in the sperm, they don't actually survive. And so only one of them is good. So we have one shot. That's it.

[0:07:05] Brianne Davis: You're doing it again. Have you done?

[0:07:08] Josie: No, we're doing it in December, so it's coming up.

[0:07:12] Brianne Davis: So are you feeling right now, like, all this pressure?

[0:07:16] Josie: Yeah, honestly, like I was saying, I don't know if I'm just trying to talk myself out of getting excited because I only have this one shot. I'm like, I just kind of want to get it over with. I want to just know once and for all, I'm either going to have a kid or I'm not. This is it. This being in limbo is so exhausting, emotionally draining, because you don't know. And I think that if I was to know, I'll never be able to have kids, I could deal with it. But the not knowing if this is going to work or not is exhausting.

[0:07:46] Brianne Davis: Oh, it's completely exhausting. I feel you. And I kind of want to go back to when you were younger. And I know this is going to be a really weird question and you don't have to answer it, but were you always one of those females that was scared of getting pregnant or over? I remember when I first started having sex, I was like, I can't get pregnant. It was like doomsday.

[0:08:11] Josie: Not at all. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. I used to go on first dates with guys and I'd be like, I want to be a stay at home mom.

[0:08:23] Brianne Davis: When did you lose your virginity?

[0:08:27] Josie: I was 18, I think.

[0:08:29] Brianne Davis: Oh, girl, I started way earlier than you. I'm like, wow, I don't even want to say my age when I lost my virginity. Oh, my God.

[0:08:37] Josie: That'll be your secret that we have to get out of you.

[0:08:40] Brianne Davis: Well, it's all safe. It was 13, girl.

[0:08:43] Josie: Oh, my gosh.

[0:08:44] Brianne Davis: I know we are really young in the south. Sorry if you're Southern and you disagree with me, but I started very early, and when I finally decided to get pregnant and we got pregnant, I lost that child. The first child. I had a miscarriage when I was working on the show and I talked to you about it, and then this anger came up where I was like, this whole time I was trying to not get pregnant. And when I tried to finally get pregnant, it didn't really happen. So I was so angry at God. Do you feel that or no, I.

[0:09:23] Josie: Mean, I do feel that. When you're young, everyone is just like, don't have sex. You'll get pregnant, it's so easy. But in actuality, it's like there's two good days or something crazy like that.

[0:09:34] Brianne Davis: I think it's one, isn't it?

[0:09:36] Josie: Like one good day? Yeah, something like that. I'm just like, oh my God. I think it's good that they scare the hell out of you when you're a kid, but when you're actually trying and you find out there's only one or two good days, it's like, holy crap. It's really difficult. And as you get older, it's even more difficult. And then as you get older, you get used to the way that you lived your life. Not being selfish because I'm definitely not a selfish person.

[0:10:01] Brianne Davis: No, you're like the least selfish person I know.

[0:10:05] Josie: I mean, I put my dog first and I live for my dog and my family and so not in that way, but it's just you just get used to the way that you live and getting up and going to the gym if you want and just different. So it gets harder to give that up, I think.

[0:10:21] Brianne Davis: Yeah, because girl, you would be giving it all up. I'm telling you. Even going to the bathroom, you give up. I was like, oh my God, I finally have to go to the bathroom after 2 hours because I'm just dealing with feeding my son, getting his stuff ready. Because as a mom, we give up so much.

[0:10:41] Josie: And that's the thing. People say it's worth it, but is it really worth it? You can't say no because you have a child. And women will never say like, oh God, I wish I didn't have a kid.

[0:10:54] Brianne Davis: No, but I've had moments at night, especially during this period of time where I've been like, why did I have a child now? And why did I bring him into this crazy world and what was I thinking? But then when he turns and looks at you and smiles, it's like my heart is like melts. So it's this I hate and I love relationship all at the same time.

[0:11:19] Josie: Yeah, I get that.

[0:11:22] Brianne Davis: And lots of moms don't talk about that, but that's the truth.

[0:11:25] Josie: Lots of moms I think I see patients in a day and I see a lot of people and they're all women. And I've only one time had someone tell me that she wishes she wouldn't have had kids.

[0:11:38] Brianne Davis: And what did that feel for you, everything you've been going through?

[0:11:43] Josie: I mean, it was scary because I was thinking, what if I'm doing all of this and I'm going to feel like she does? Why did I go and screw up my life? That's just easy. My life is so easy, right? I get up when I want. Well, not really, because I go to work, but you don't have to get up, and you get up when your alarm goes off, not when a baby cries. You just kind of do your own thing. So I'm also scared, what if this works? And I'm like, oh shit, why did I do this?

[0:12:14] Brianne Davis: Because you might have that feeling, honestly. And you'll have days when you have that feeling and then days when you don't have that feeling.

[0:12:22] Josie: Right.

[0:12:23] Brianne Davis: Are you feeling all this pressure from society too? As a woman?

[0:12:27] Josie: Not so much, because I feel like a lot of women aren't having children or having children later in life. I do feel a lot of pressure from my husband who really wants to have kids, and I feel like I can't give him that and it's very difficult. I also think he's younger than I am. He could decide in ten years, well, you know what, I was okay with not having kids, but now I'm not anymore and just leave, which is that could happen, and who am I to take that away from him? If he really wants to have kids and I can't do that, then of course he should go out and get what he wants. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

[0:13:05] Brianne Davis: No, I understand.

[0:13:08] Josie: It's a lot of pressure, for sure.

[0:13:10] Brianne Davis: Have you guys discussed adopting? Maybe?

[0:13:16] Josie: I don't think it's something that I would want to do at this time anyway. Neither would he.

[0:13:23] Brianne Davis: Oh, so you have talked about it and it's just not something you're interested?

[0:13:28] Josie: Yeah, not right now. We decided if it's not going to work, we'll be dog parents for now. And he says I'm crazy if I think that in ten years from now is going to change his mind. But let's be honest, I mean, it can happen, right?

[0:13:43] Brianne Davis: Yeah, I mean, men can have children until they're 65 or something. At least like 75 on their deathbeds.

[0:13:50] Josie: Oh my gosh.

[0:13:51] Brianne Davis: I know. It seems so not fair they should be the one on birth control and stuff. They're the ones that can pregnant more people than us.

[0:14:01] Josie: So yeah, it's been a lot of pressure.

[0:14:04] Brianne Davis: So how long were you guys actually trying to have children until you hit the IVF journey?

[0:14:12] Josie: Well, we've never used birth control. I've never used birth control. We've never really tried to get pregnant when we were first dating or together, but we also didn't take the precautions and we never got pregnant. So realistically trying, I'd say about five or six years. And then we've been doing the IVF thing for the last couple of years, which by the way, was a nightmare of those hormones. Oh my gosh, yes.

[0:14:42] Brianne Davis: Take me through that process. So our listeners and if anybody else is going through it, they don't feel like they're the only ones. What is that process like?

[0:14:51] Josie: So you're injecting yourself every single day. Your hormones are all over the place. You're crying, you're happy, or just you're super bloated. It almost looks like you're pregnant, which is kind of freaky. I was getting really bad headaches, which was really bad.

[0:15:09] Brianne Davis: I was getting those during when I was pregnant, my headaches were terrible.

[0:15:14] Josie: And that's the thing. There's nothing you can do. There's nothing you can take. Right. So you're just suffering. It's awful.

[0:15:22] Brianne Davis: Oh, yeah. The first trimester, I was pregnant, I was nauseous. Twenty four seven. And I had a headache and I was working. Right.

[0:15:34] Josie: You're probably not telling anyone you're pregnant.

[0:15:36] Brianne Davis: No.

[0:15:37] Josie: Right.

[0:15:38] Brianne Davis: Especially if you've lost a child, you don't tell anyone. You're like exactly. And I almost went through that thing where you said, december is coming up, and you're going to try, and there's a part of you that doesn't want to get excited or talk about it or anything because you don't want to put that pressure on yourself.

[0:15:56] Josie: Exactly.

[0:15:57] Brianne Davis: When I got pregnant, again, that pressure of like, oh, my God, if this works out, what if it doesn't work out?

[0:16:05] Josie: Did your husband feel that, too? I wonder if that's more just us women who put that pressure on us.

[0:16:12] Brianne Davis: I'm not sure that's a good question to ask him. I think he was more worried about how I was feeling, that he didn't really think about how he was feeling. He's kind of like you. He's the nicer one in the relationship.

[0:16:28] Josie: He is great. Yeah, he's a great guy. But I wonder if it's pressure that we women put on ourselves or if they feel the same thing. If they feel, like, as much of a loss as we do, if they feel as much pressure as we do. I wonder.

[0:16:45] Brianne Davis: Well, I know for me, I felt like something was broken inside of me. God wasn't going to allow me to have that. And so something must be broken inside of me. Does that ever come up for you?

[0:17:02] Josie: I mean, I feel like less than a woman for not being able to give my husband a child. You hear some women who are like, oh, we got pregnant the first try. It's just so frustrating. And then as a woman, like, you want to give your husband a child. Right. You want to have a child with your husband. And if you can't do that, it's hard because you feel like there's something wrong with you.

[0:17:27] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Like you aren't doing what your body is made to do.

[0:17:32] Josie: Exactly.

[0:17:33] Brianne Davis: And I think it's a biological thing where we put it on ourselves that my body is supposed to do this, and it's not, and something's wrong with me.

[0:17:45] Josie: So, yeah, it's a lot of pressure. It actually feels nice to talk about it because no one at my work or friends knew that I was going through IVF. Even my mom, who I talk to every single day, I didn't tell her until after the egg retrieval that we were doing it just because I don't want anyone feeling sorry for us. I don't want anyone like, how's it go? Asking, and it doesn't work. And then you have to go into this whole story about how you did IVF, and it didn't work. It's just like so it's something that I was just going through by myself, really, with my husband.

[0:18:21] Brianne Davis: That has to be so hard. That has to be so hard because I know what the hormones do. And you're injecting yourselves with more hormones to, like, every morning. How many times a day did you have to do it?

[0:18:36] Josie: I'm trying to think. I think it was morning and night. Oh, my gosh, my stomach was so bruised. And then you run out of places where you can inject, and it's bruised, and you have to inject, and that bruise, and it's just oh, my gosh. But I did one round of it, and I don't know how women do this more than once. Maybe some react differently, but to put your body through that, and it's like a roller coaster ride. I feel for people who do a few of them. Right.

[0:19:08] Brianne Davis: Yeah, no, I have a friend that I think did it three times, and she said it was brutal. It was brutal to her body. It has to be.

[0:19:18] Josie: Did she finally have a baby?

[0:19:20] Brianne Davis: Yes, she's had two.

[0:19:22] Josie: Oh, wow. Yeah, that's good. Yes.

[0:19:26] Brianne Davis: And I have another friend that did it, and it worked. And it's just like it's such a crap shoot. It's not like you definitely do it and it works. It would be much easier if that was the case. Right.

[0:19:36] Josie: And it would be a lot easier to spend $20,000 if they were to say it's $20,000, but we will try as many times as it takes. But it's not it's $20,000, and it's a gamble, but it's something that he really wanted to do. I think if it would have been just up to me, I wouldn't have done the whole IVF thing. No, I think I would have just said, it's not in the cards, and that's that. But yeah. When did you even know if he knows this? I don't even know if he knows that. I wouldn't have done it because I.

[0:20:12] Brianne Davis: Didn'T even know that. Because you didn't even share that with me. So what made you decide, other than him? Like, you just stepped into the position.

[0:20:23] Josie: Or it was just for him. Wow. If it would have been just up to me, I never would have done it. I would have just said, it's not in the cards, and it is what it is, and let's move on. But for him, he wanted to try everything to try and get pregnant, and if that didn't work, then he would be okay with not having kids, but he's not okay with not trying everything to have a baby, if that makes sense.

[0:20:50] Brianne Davis: Yeah, that makes sense. But I want to ask you, because we talked about earlier. You would go on dates after you lost your virginity, 18, and you would say, I want to be a stay at home mom. When was that decision made that you are okay not having kids? Do you remember? Was there a moment?

[0:21:11] Josie: I don't think there was a specific moment. I think it just didn't happen. I didn't get pregnant. So now I started focusing more on work and other things and started I don't know if it's convincing myself that I don't want it. I don't know if it's just when you know that something is not going to work, you're just like, I didn't want it anyway. So I don't know if I'm just protecting myself by saying that, which is part of me thinks that's what it is. Because I'm telling you, all I ever wanted was to be a mom when I was growing up.

[0:21:47] Brianne Davis: That actually makes me very angry as a woman for you. I almost feel guilty, I have to say, because I never wanted to be a mom, right? I have a child and you've always wanted to be a mom, and you don't have a child. And I'm only saying this because I want to start crying, because it's like, why is that okay?

[0:22:18] Josie: Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe it's just not in the cards. Who knows? God has a plan, right? Who knows? Maybe it's just not meant to be. And I'm not going to be one of those women who's going to say, like, I'm going to do this IVF thing, like ten times, as many times as it takes to get what I want. I mean, if it's just not going to work, it's not going to work. I'm not going to put myself through it. Right? And then you move on. You got to focus on something else.

[0:22:45] Brianne Davis: Wow, you are so much more evolved than me. I would be angry at God because that's my thing, or I would be like, envious of the other women or friends that have children, only I'm just.

[0:23:00] Josie: Full of shit and pretending that I don't want it and that I don't care because I know that it's not going to happen. So I'm just like, fuck it, I didn't want it anyway.

[0:23:10] Brianne Davis: You're self protecting. You're like rejecting it before it rejects you. Exactly.

[0:23:15] Josie: I'm going to dump you first.

[0:23:17] Brianne Davis: Exactly. And you're at home, like, throwing darts at my face like you caught me.

[0:23:26] Josie: The secrets out.

[0:23:29] Brianne Davis: No, but I'm just saying I feel like that's so brave that you just said what you said. Maybe there is a small part inside of you that is self protecting and trying to reject it before you get rejected.

[0:23:44] Josie: I think that probably is it. Especially since all I ever wanted was to be a mom. What's changed? I don't know what's changed other than the fact that it didn't happen. So I'm probably just protecting myself. But I feel like the heartbreak will be not as severe if I'm saying this right, as opposed to, like, I really want it so bad and then it doesn't happen, then what?

[0:24:10] Brianne Davis: Do you think you can honestly protect yourself from that?

[0:24:14] Josie: I don't know. Probably not. I mean, we have one embryo, so it's like that's it one shot. It hardly ever happens in the first try. I don't think I know of any women that have gotten pregnant with the first five DF try, but I just honestly just want to get it over with, do it and move on.

[0:24:40] Brianne Davis: Okay.

[0:24:41] Josie: Because I feel like it's been looming.

[0:24:44] Brianne Davis: Yeah, no, it has. And it's like the whole process, like you said, you've been planning this process, and it's dragged out, and it's like, can we just do it already so I know what my future holds?

[0:24:55] Josie: Exactly.

[0:24:58] Brianne Davis: And I guess the thing we can do or you can do, I feel, is like, turn it over as best as you can, which it sounds like you are as best as you can.

[0:25:07] Josie: I mean, it's whatever meant to be is going to happen, so I don't think I have much control over it.

[0:25:13] Brianne Davis: Well, here's my question for you. How has it felt keeping this journey to yourself? And who do you think that has benefited? And who do you think it's harmed?

[0:25:27] Josie: It's probably benefited me because I don't have to talk about it and have people feel sorry for me. Who has it harmed? Maybe other women who are going through this. I think it's important to share stories because then we can help each other. But I also don't want the pity, and if it's not going to work, I don't want the questions of, oh, have you tried it? Did you do it? Did it not take? I just don't want to deal with it. So I think it's protecting myself, for sure.

[0:26:04] Brianne Davis: And if someone is listening right now and they're going through the same situation you are, what would be your advice for them?

[0:26:12] Josie: Probably have one person that you can talk to and turn to who can give you advice, whoever that person may be, other than your spouse. Because I don't feel like they really get it. They don't get the hormones. They're not women. Right. So they don't get the house.

[0:26:26] Brianne Davis: They don't get any of it.

[0:26:28] Josie: I have no clue. They have it so easy.

[0:26:32] Brianne Davis: I know. I told my husband that literally, I'm like, you didn't have to do anything.

[0:26:38] Josie: Nothing, really? They do nothing. It's brutal. It's so unfair. But I think I would just find one person who's your shoulder to cry on. Yeah.

[0:26:48] Brianne Davis: Because I have to tell you, being alone in any hardship makes it so isolating.

[0:26:54] Josie: I feel that's true. I've always been like that, though. Something's bothering me. I keep to myself, and I just kind of shut down. So that's probably not the best thing to do.

[0:27:09] Brianne Davis: But yeah, because when we hung out, I had no idea you were going through all that.

[0:27:17] Josie: I know.

[0:27:18] Brianne Davis: And you had a smile on your face. It's not like you were like, a little down and I was like, what's going on? Are you having a bad day? No clue. And I feel like as women, we should be able to, like, rip that mask off and say, this is what's happening. Don't ask me about it, or, I don't want your pity, but this shit sucks, right?

[0:27:43] Josie: Yeah. I mean, that could have been a better way to deal with it, for sure.

[0:27:48] Brianne Davis: Well, I am so grateful for your friendship. I'm so grateful you shared this story. I know how hard it was and the secret with me, and I'm just beyond grateful.

[0:27:59] Josie: Well, thank you. Thank you for having me. I'm going to go throw darts at your face now. No, but I think I actually never feel angry or hurt or anything like that when other women have children because I just think that's great and that was in the cards for them. Yeah. So I think you're a great mom and I'm so happy for you guys. Thank you.

[0:28:26] Brianne Davis: And you're a much better person. He is. He is really cute, but you are a much better person than me, girl.

[0:28:34] Josie: Well, I will take that. Thank you so much.

[0:28:37] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at [email protected]. Until next time. Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share or send me a note at [email protected] And if you'd like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.

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