Cassie: Sexual Anorexia & Infertility - I Stoped Telling My Partners I Couldn’t Have Kids

Cassie opens up about the difficult secret she kept from partners for years: her inability to have children due to abnormalities in her ovaries. Her story sheds light on the little-discussed issue of sexual anorexia and the impact it can have on individuals' emotional and sexual lives. Host, Brianne Davis encourages Cassie to seek help and put herself back out there. Through their honest and vulnerable conversation, the importance of honesty, connection, and seeking help is emphasized. This episode is a must-listen for anyone struggling with similar issues and seeking support and understanding.

_____

If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

______

To share your secret and be a guest on the show email [email protected]

_____

SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

_____

Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

_____

Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

______

HOW CAN I SUPPORT THE SHOW?

Tell Your Friends & Share Online!Follow, Rate & Review: Apple Podcasts | SpotifyFollow & Listen iHeart | Stitcher | Google Podcasts | Amazon | PandoraSpread the word via social mediaInstagramTwitterFacebook#SecretLifePodcastDonate - You can also support the show with a one-time or monthly donation via PayPal (make payment to [email protected]) or at our WEBSITE.

Connect with Brianne Davis-Gantt (@thebriannedavis)

Official WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitter

Connect with Mark Gantt (@markgantt)

Main WebsiteDirecting WebsiteInstagramFacebookTwitter

Transcript:

[0:00:00] Cassie: I took his hand and I said, okay, there's something I got to tell you. And I told him. I said, from an early age, I found out I couldn't have children, and I explained to him the details, and I want to spend a life with you. If you can't accept this, let's just go ahead and break up now. Shh.

[0:00:26] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine.

Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon.

Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today, I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secret. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know those deep, deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier, ha secrets you don't ever want to tell anybody. You know the how, what, when, where, and why of it all.

Today. My guest is Cassie. Now, Cassie, I have a question for you. What is your secret?

[0:01:43] Cassie: I stopped telling partners that I could not have children.

[0:01:48] Brianne Davis: Oh, so you stopped telling somebody you're with that you were unable to have kids?

[0:01:54] Cassie: Yes.

[0:01:55] Brianne Davis: Okay. Take me back, girl. Take me back.

[0:02:00] Cassie: This was 14 years ago. I was in a serious relationship. I was 24, and he was my first experience of everything. I was that goody two shoes girl, if you know what I mean.

[0:02:14] Brianne Davis: Goody two Southern girl.

[0:02:18] Cassie: That was me.

[0:02:19] Brianne Davis: Yeah.

[0:02:21] Cassie: Anyway, he took my virginity and I fell in love, and I thought for sure he was in love with me. So six months of us dating, I knew I had to tell him this because at an early age, I found out I could not have children. So I knew I had to tell him before he pulled out a ring and said and proposed because I thought it was going down into that. So six months into the relationship, we were driving home from visiting his parents, and I told him.

[0:02:56] Brianne Davis: What did you say? How did you say it? Do you remember?

[0:02:59] Cassie: This is how I said it. I took his hand and I said, okay, there's something I got to tell you. And I told him. I said, from an early age, I found out I couldn't have children. And I explained to him the details, and I said in the only way I said and the reason why I'm telling you this is I didn't want to take I knew this is where this was leading, and I want to spend a life with you. And if you can't accept this, let's just go ahead and break up now, because I want a partner that's going to be there, because this is going to be a fight. The only way I could have even fathom having a kid was IVF or adoption. I said, So if this is how you want to fight, if you want to be my partner and fight with me, we'll do this. And I'm trying to try not to cry.

[0:03:48] Brianne Davis: Talking about it. Don't cry. Cry, girl, cry, because I know the shoe is about to drop and I'm going to start crying.

[0:03:56] Cassie: Then he squeezed my hand, and all he said was, I know I don't want to break up with you. So I was like, okay, so maybe we're leaning somewhere good. And that's really all he said. In about ten minutes down the road and this is where your book comes into play with me, because this is where I felt like Roxanne. And he ten minutes, we're driving 1520 minutes down the road, he says, So this means I don't have to pull out anymore.

[0:04:28] Brianne Davis: No, he did not.

[0:04:32] Cassie: He did too.

[0:04:33] Brianne Davis: Oh, my God, that makes me so angry on so many levels.

[0:04:39] Cassie: Oh, my that ain't all. About a month or two down the road, he would take snippets because we stayed together a year and a half, and he would take little sniff. Oh, and that night yeah, that night, I felt like rock stand because I gave in. Yeah, I gave in. And just looking at the ceiling blades, and I just spinning.

[0:05:11] Brianne Davis: Disconnected.

[0:05:16] Cassie: And a month or two down the road, he would always make little snippet comments about adoption, and he would always say, well, adopted kids, they just are my gosh, it could turn out so bad. And again, that rock sand feeling. But this is what I think hurt the most, too. It's about a month or two down the road. He looked at me one day, and I remember I was cooking in his apartment, and he said, you know, if you did get pregnant, if it worked or you did get pregnant, you would look like an uncle. But again, what did I do?

[0:06:04] Brianne Davis: You stayed.

[0:06:06] Cassie: Oh, my God.

[0:06:08] Brianne Davis: What is he like, trying to torture you? Like you've already shown your heart? As a woman, not being able to reproduce is already difficult. And then on top of it, he's like, it's just crazy. Sometimes, as humans do to each other, it is.

[0:06:27] Cassie: But yet when he finally broke it off with me, because he moved and transferred, and God did for you what.

[0:06:37] Brianne Davis: You couldn't do for yourself, girl.

[0:06:39] Cassie: Exactly. But I still could not let go. We still saw each other. I had an aunt that she's passed now, but she was like a little bit of an enabler, and she was like, Just go and scene. Go and sing. Because my deal with her was, as long as you told me you're driving somewhere to go see as long as you tell me where you're at and then when you get back. And so I remember calling her and saying, I'm going. And she said, well, just call me when you get back. Anyway, I'm telling you, I don't know why I did it. I guess because he was my first.

[0:07:30] Brianne Davis: For so many reasons. I always think it's something in us feels broken and we feel like someone else is going to fix it. And especially when that person that we love is unavailable, we want to convince them to become available for us. But I do want to take you back a little bit further. I did have a question I wanted to ask. When you were younger, what you found out why you couldn't have kids. Can you share that or you don't want to share that?

[0:08:00] Cassie: Yeah, I'll share that. So when I was born, as my family says about me, I'm the persevere, is what they say.

[0:08:14] Brianne Davis: Okay.

[0:08:16] Cassie: So when I was born, there was abnormalities in my ovaries, so they had to take them when I was a baby, okay? So it's kind of like straight from going from mom to this. So when I was 1110, 1112 years old, and this is my fault because I'm such a strong person, I'm there for everybody else. I'm the one that everybody leans on, or I feel that way. So when I was ten or eleven years old, my mom told me I just didn't want to talk about it. I didn't know what to do, what to say, so I never discussed it again.

[0:09:01] Brianne Davis: Right. And how can you comprehend that at such a young age? I wouldn't be able to comprehend that I had endometriosis or a huge fibroid at the age of eleven. You know what I mean? We don't understand. So I get it.

[0:09:14] Cassie: Right? My mom, too, love her to death. She's a rock for me. That was some things we just didn't discuss in our family. There's things you just don't discuss.

[0:09:31] Brianne Davis: No, I get it. Why can't we discuss female hormonal issues with our mothers, but that generation doesn't discuss that stuff. I get it.

[0:09:43] Cassie: No, that's where it started.

[0:09:50] Brianne Davis: Did she ever say anything that made it worse? I know parents do the best they can, but was there anything ever where it just reiterated.

[0:10:03] Cassie: The only thing? Because when I was contemplating finally telling him, I went to her and this is what I said, because I had discussed it with two of my best friends, okay? And they were like, you need to and my mom is the type of, no, you wait till you have a ring. And I'm like, no, because that would be in my mind, that was accepting it on false pretenses, right? Because he didn't know the whole story. So she was like, she was like, I see what you're saying. If this is what's leading in your heart to do it. I said, because I didn't want to lie to him. You know what I mean?

[0:10:40] Brianne Davis: Yeah.

[0:10:41] Cassie: And so I let out my most vulnerable. And that's what scares me to get close to another guy is because I let out my most vulnerable.

[0:10:54] Brianne Davis: Yeah. And your biggest fear that telling this, then you would be rejected. And it seems like he dragged it on and also at the same time was rejecting you little by little, it sounds like.

[0:11:07] Cassie: Right.

[0:11:08] Brianne Davis: So then you moved on and you didn't tell another soul.

[0:11:13] Cassie: I moved on, didn't tell another guy ever dated. I went on a wild streak.

[0:11:23] Brianne Davis: Oh, so you rock sand it.

[0:11:29] Cassie: I went on a wild streak. I met a friend, like Roxanne Hat, and we met at a gym and had the same trainer and so I rock sanded.

[0:11:44] Brianne Davis: Okay.

[0:11:45] Cassie: It was a bar every weekend. And I was just like, well, I'm not going to be a wife. This moping ain't going to work out.

[0:11:55] Brianne Davis: Yeah.

[0:11:56] Cassie: So I'm going to just break it open. And so that's what I did. And I met another guy who was my other experience.

[0:12:08] Brianne Davis: Okay.

[0:12:12] Cassie: He was like, to explain him was like a cover off of romance novel. Okay. He looked that good. And so I was like, oh, my gosh. I felt like I had power. You get what I'm saying?

[0:12:30] Brianne Davis: Please. Do I get what you're saying? Please. We know. I got what we were saying.

[0:12:36] Cassie: I felt like I had taught two. I would walk into a bar and I would look at my friends and I'm like, I'm kissing that guy by the end of the night, let's play bed sound. And I would be kissing that guy at the end of the night. But this guy, I'll never forget it. And I don't know, it was just like that how you wrote in your book. When you feel that much strong social connection, run away. Not me. Okay. And we talked a little while and then my grandmother was really sick and she was on her deathbed and I was out of town working, and he came and saw me, and I just wanted comfort. And he came that night and it all went down and he got up and left. I felt like the walk of shame the next morning when people at work and one of my friends was doing brown chicken, brown cow, I was like, hate you right now. But anyway, I ended up getting ghosted after that from him. That was it?

[0:13:51] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Can I ask if you allowed him to? Did you have a condom on? Is that an inappropriate question, Brianne? Probably.

[0:14:04] Cassie: No. Either time. No with my first and no with my second, which was stupid.

[0:14:10] Brianne Davis: Okay. Yes. We are not smart sometimes in our decision making. We get that. Okay, so you then get ghosted, which is horrible. People should never ghost anybody. And then you kept just not telling people that you got involved.

[0:14:25] Cassie: Just not told that I dated another guy for six months. Not too long after that, broke it off with him, never told him. And then finally after the dating, just quit. What do you mean it quit?

[0:14:38] Brianne Davis: You just life said I'm done.

[0:14:41] Cassie: I didn't want to date. I would go out here and there and I just could not get close.

[0:14:47] Brianne Davis: You turn sexual anorexic, then you just shut it down.

[0:14:51] Cassie: I shut it down?

[0:14:52] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Nobody talks about that. Your emotions and your body just shuts down because of all the damage or trauma and stuff and rejection and abandonment. You just shut that part of you off and it's called sexual anorexia. And nobody talks about it.

[0:15:10] Cassie: Nobody talks about it. And here I am 1213 years later and I'm like, wow, are you still.

[0:15:17] Brianne Davis: Shut down right now?

[0:15:18] Cassie: Oh, yeah.

[0:15:20] Brianne Davis: I didn't know that. You have not dated for twelve years.

[0:15:25] Cassie: I have not dated anybody serious or had a serious relationship. Yes.

[0:15:31] Brianne Davis: Right.

[0:15:31] Cassie: I have not been intimate with a guy for twelve to 13 years and I have not told him that. And it's probably saddened me to say this, I am talking to someone, but it's like I feel like I'm a damaged good.

[0:15:45] Brianne Davis: I know, I get it. I felt like that when I turned sexual anorexic and shut down like that. I felt like I was damaged and something was wrong with me. I totally know that feeling.

[0:15:58] Cassie: And so part of me is always going to feel inadequate because I can't do the one thing that the main thing a woman was created for.

[0:16:09] Brianne Davis: Right.

[0:16:09] Cassie: And you're just like.

[0:16:12] Brianne Davis: But here's the thing. So many women are going through that now. You're not alone. I know. So many women that have had to do IVF five times and still haven't. So you are not alone. But when we're going through it or we feel life, we're not doing what women are supposed to do that we're broken. And that's not true. Just so you know, you are not alone.

[0:16:35] Cassie: Right. And trust me, there have been nights, especially when he broke up with me. I mean, I would just cry myself to sleep. And finally I have a piece. I feel like I'm getting a piece, but I know that I still have work.

[0:16:53] Brianne Davis: Well yeah, I mean you definitely have work if you're still stuck in that sexual anorexia. That's the hardest part. To get out of the acting out over sexual and doing all that. It's easy, easier. But to get out of the cycle of sexual anorexia is brutal. It's brutal. So how are you going to put yourself out there? Because you deserve love, girl. You deserve it.

[0:17:25] Cassie: Well, thank you, I guess. I don't know, other than like you told me before the meetings. Go to a meeting.

[0:17:40] Brianne Davis: Yeah, there's a great sexual anorexia meeting on Tuesdays, just so you know, in Los Angeles at 07:30 p.m.. Really? Yeah. It's an amazing meeting. If you're out there and you find yourself shut down. There's an amazing meeting. You can reach out to me. I will give you the information. But this is something that is so difficult to get out of, to put yourself back out there, to step into that unknown.

[0:18:07] Cassie: It is an unknown. And you kind of almost feel like you're in a rut. And I throw my life into work and family and friends, and I'm that's what I do. And I'm that friend. I worry about everybody else but me.

[0:18:25] Brianne Davis: Yeah. Normally that is what happens.

[0:18:31] Cassie: And I'm that friend that will run over right away. And sometimes you got to take care of yourself to take care of others, and I don't do it.

[0:18:46] Brianne Davis: Well, here's an idea. Is there anybody in your life right now that you could call and say, I need help getting back out there, and they can sit with you and talk to you and maybe enter on one of those dating apps or go with you out and start putting yourself back out there? Because, yes, rejection and abandonment is going to happen. But when we shut down emotionally and sexually, we're denying ourselves a part of life.

[0:19:15] Cassie: Right. And there might be sometimes you just.

[0:19:21] Brianne Davis: Got to mention it to one person in your life. Like, I'm struggling.

[0:19:24] Cassie: Yeah. And I think there is that. Most of my friends are married with kids and they do their own life. You're like, I don't want to bug them about it, but I think I have a friend.

[0:19:38] Brianne Davis: Yeah, but here's the thing. Those married people probably are struggling just as much as you are with sexual anorexia. I know a lot of married couples that get stagnant, so maybe you mentioning it to somebody that you think wouldn't have that problem, probably is going through something similar.

[0:19:57] Cassie: Yeah. In the small town I life in, there are things you just don't talk about. Gossip will start.

[0:20:07] Brianne Davis: But there's something about you telling your truth that then helps other people tell their truth.

[0:20:14] Cassie: Right. It brings it out. Yeah.

[0:20:16] Brianne Davis: It brings that darkness out because you're drowning in darkness.

[0:20:20] Cassie: Right. And I have been really talking to a friend that is single. She's a little bit older than me, and she has been through everything with me with this. All these years ago, I confided in her. She was the phone call I made to say, hey, this is what I'm telling him. And so if there was anyone, it would probably be her.

[0:20:48] Brianne Davis: You got to get back out there. Promise me you'll come to one of the anorexia meetings. I'll be in the room with you. I will be in the room with you. I will give you the information because it is not a place to live. I know people that have gone 20 years without having a partnership and living alone, and I just don't think that's good for anybody's psyche.

[0:21:11] Cassie: No. Because we were built for relationship yeah.

[0:21:14] Brianne Davis: And connection.

[0:21:16] Cassie: We were definitely built for it. And that's a huge reason why I'm talking today. Yeah.

[0:21:24] Brianne Davis: I'm so grateful you reached out to me and you're willing to come forward. And I had no idea, though, that you've gone that way. I thought you got on the other side, but you being still in it, I would be honored to help you get out of it.

[0:21:41] Cassie: Thank you. It would be great to have that. It would be great to have somebody like that. Definitely.

[0:21:47] Brianne Davis: Well, let me ask you this question before we go. If anybody out there is going through the same thing you're going through, heartbreak, disappointment, even fertility issues, what would be your advice for them? Even though you're still in it? Is there anything you can help someone else with?

[0:22:05] Cassie: My advice would be don't do what I did.

[0:22:08] Brianne Davis: Don't shut down.

[0:22:09] Cassie: Don't shut down. Don't shut down. Don't act a fool like I did and do stupid things. Find the right people to be around. Don't make a mistake and get that crazy friend that throws you into it.

[0:22:29] Brianne Davis: Right.

[0:22:29] Cassie: And get a friend who's going to help you and lift you up. And that's the main thing. If I would have to say the takeaway and yes, and don't shut down.

[0:22:41] Brianne Davis: Don't shut down because it's so hard to dig your way out of it. I still struggle with intimacy. I still do. After almost twelve years of recovery, it's still difficult for me to attach my feelings and my sexuality and intimacy. So I get it. And once you go down that hole and you shut down, it's so hard to put yourself back out there again. So that would be my advice. Don't shut down. Like lean into not shutting down as much as you can fight through it. If you can fight through it, fight like you're like fighting a dragon. Because that's what it is. It's literally like a dragon.

[0:23:18] Cassie: It is. And you don't realize it before you know it because I think age, the older I got too, it just was like it just crept up because age too. Yeah.

[0:23:34] Brianne Davis: The year goes by and you're like, whoa. A year just went by? The time you're like five years. And then you're like, oh well. And then you're like seven years and eight years. I get it. So we are going to dig you out of this anorexia once and for all so that you can connect and be a whole person and give yourself to somebody else and feel loved. Because that's what it's about, right?

[0:24:01] Cassie: It is. It's about that. Like I said, I'm never comfortable I'm hardly the comfortable one sharing things because I'm always the one that I'm the shoulder you cry on. I don't cry on your shoulder.

[0:24:16] Brianne Davis: Well, now you do. Now you're going to wear that mask. Well, thank you so much for coming on and sharing this. I feel like it's going to help so many people because this is something definitely nobody talks about. So I'm beyond grateful that you told me all of this.

[0:24:35] Cassie: Well, thank you. And thank you for letting me talk.

[0:24:40] Brianne Davis: Well, if you want to be on the show, please email me at [email protected]. Until next time.

[0:24:51] Cassie: Bye.

[0:24:52] Brianne Davis: Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. If you'd like to check out my book, head over to SecretLifelifeNovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.

Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy