Amelia: I Kept My Abuse As A Child & As An Adult A Secret For Years

Have you ever wanted to share a secret but felt you couldn't? On the Secret Life Podcast, we explore the stories of people who have done just that and how their experience changed their lives. From hearing Brianne Davis talk about her journey in getting sober to listening to Amelia discuss her abusive relationship, we're here to make sure you know you're not alone. Tune in and start your journey to self-acceptance, connection, and freedom today.

*Trigger Warning: Please note that this episode contains the topic of suicide. Some people may find it disturbing. 

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If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction, depression, trauma, sexual abuse or feeling overwhelmed, we've compiled a list of resources at secretlifepodcast.com.

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To share your secret and be a guest on the show email [email protected]

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SECRET LIFE’S TOPICS INCLUDE:

addiction recovery, mental health, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, love addiction, OCD, ADHD, dyslexia, eating disorders, debt & money issues, anorexia, depression, shoplifting,  molestation, sexual assault, trauma, relationships, self-love, friendships, community, secrets, self-care, courage, freedom, and happiness.

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To find more about Amelia, head over to https://selflovestory.com

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Create and Host Your Podcast with the same host we use - RedCircle

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Get your copy of SECRET LIFE OF A HOLLYWOOD SEX & LOVE ADDICT -- Secret Life Novel or on Amazon

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Transcript

[0:00:00] Amelia: Like, I think of Secret as, like, these energetic rocks that you carry in your heart, and the more that you hold on to them, the heavier life gets.

[0:00:17] Brianne Davis: Welcome to the Secret Life Podcast. Tell me your secret, I'll tell you mine.

Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light. That's what I did. After twelve years of recovery in sex and love addiction, I finally found my soulmate myself. Please join me in my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, a four time bestseller on Amazon. It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time. Check it out now on Amazon.

Welcome to Secret Life Podcast. I'm Brianne Davis-Gantt. Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets. We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others. You know, those deep, dark secrets you probably want to take to your grave. Or those lighter, funnier secrets that are just plain embarrassing. Really, the how, what, when, where, and why of it all. Today, my guest is Amelia. Now, Amelia, I have a question for you. Dun dun dun. What is your secret?

[0:01:30] Amelia: I love the drum roll. Thanks. Actually, I'm really proud to say today that my secret is I have no secret. I know. No, it wasn't always that way, though. It's a big reason why I love what you're doing with this podcast, because I definitely was a woman of many, many secrets for a long, long time.

[0:01:58] Brianne Davis: Well, first of all, I have to give you a gold star for putting all your crap out there. But my question for you is, when did you decide to let go of all that package?

[0:02:12] Amelia: And Secret Life would have to say letting go. Like I said, I had many secrets for years.

[0:02:22] Brianne Davis: Can you tell us some of your old secret?

[0:02:25] Amelia: Yeah. One of them was that I was abused a lot when I was a little girl, and I didn't share that. It's not because I didn't want to necessarily. It's just because our culture had me believe that I was okay life, it didn't matter. And that, oh, well, it happened a long time ago, so I don't need to look at that and I don't need to talk about it. Clearly, that was wrong.

[0:02:56] Brianne Davis: Clearly that stays in your body. And when you experience any kind of abuse, if you don't go through it and figure it out, it stays with you. I mean, mine did, for sure, and.

[0:03:08] Amelia: I had no idea that that was the case at all. And other ones that are kind of like lighter and fun and squirmy is like when I start to have feelings for a friend and life, romantic feelings for a friend, and I just put that all out there too. Now I make it a point, really, to not hold on to any secrets. And the reason why I decided to do that and I started letting them go for the last ten years. Now it takes a while sometimes to start letting them all go because I really learned that holding onto secrets, it holds our power and it has me walk through life heavier and unable to really enjoy connections with people or even my success because there's always that thing weighing you down. I think of secrets as like these energetic rocks that you carry in your heart, and the more that you hold on to them, the heavier life gets. And so once I started letting them go and feeling the difference that life could be being lighter and having more joy and connection and intimacy, that's when I was like, you know what? No more secrets. I'm putting it all out there and I'm freeing myself. It's really about freeing myself and also in freeing other people too.

[0:04:33] Brianne Davis: What do you mean?

[0:04:34] Amelia: Well, because it's like when I share something that's personal to me and another person can relate to it, maybe they share it too, and it frees them. Or even just hearing that they're not alone. It frees 100%.

[0:04:51] Brianne Davis: I mean, that's why I wanted to do this podcast. You know, I let go of this really big secret and I thought the world was going to end and nothing happened. I was like, Wait, nobody really cares? Not that they didn't care, but nobody was like, oh, shame on you, you're a horrible person. And it just made me realize how freeing that felt and it connected me to other people so much more. And that's why I want to do that.

[0:05:21] Amelia: Absolutely.

[0:05:22] Brianne Davis: But I want to ask, do you remember one of the first big secrets you let go of? Where you felt that weight kind of lift?

[0:05:31] Amelia: Oh, yeah. I want to say it was life ten years ago, and I was with some close friends and I don't remember what prompted me to share this, but I had actually I was in a very abusive relationship in college from life ages 19 to 21.

[0:05:52] Brianne Davis: Was it abusive emotionally or physically all?

[0:05:57] Amelia: It started off verbally and then mentally he would get in my head and then it eventually got really physical. And when it got physical, that's when I really, really felt trapped. And I didn't tell anybody. I was going to school, taking my test, hanging out with friends, acting like nothing was wrong.

[0:06:16] Brianne Davis: Why did you keep that a secret?

[0:06:21] Amelia: I don't even know. I was just so ashamed that people would know that I was so stupid enough to get into that situation. And I was also just so afraid of him that my life was consumed by my fear of him and by trying to not make him mad and trying to just make sure that he stays happy. And then when he was mad, it would be a big blow up. So my life was also just consumed by that as well, that I couldn't really I didn't have time to really tell anybody else. But then I didn't want my friends or my family or people to look at me a certain way or be disappointed in me or think like, oh, you're supposed to be smart and you're supposed to know what you're doing and how did you end up in this relationship? And he also would convince me to not tell people life, oh, are you really going to let people know that I'm a horrible person? You know that I'm not bad, you know that I love you and that's.

[0:07:29] Brianne Davis: How manipulative it's like mind game and I love you. I didn't mean but I do have a question about that and I'm curious. Do you think the mental and emotional abuse was worse than the physical or I know all of it is bad, I just want to know which was harder for you to move past.

[0:07:48] Amelia: Definitely the mental and the emotional because that gets deep in the soul and deep in all the cracks of my insecurities. And also I think that's what broke me down to even get to the point where it got physical. And one thing that I say to people about this because people don't understand like, oh, well if he hits you then you can just leave. It's not that simple. Life. Abusive relationships go on for as long as they do because it's like a little by little conditioning that happens that then just becomes a habit. And then it's like, this is just how the relationship is. And it's like all this pile of shame built on top and secret and lies and trying to hide. And then it becomes this really big convoluted web that feels really hard to get out of.

[0:08:41] Brianne Davis: Yeah, you're life isolated and alone because you're not sharing that with anybody. I also had a really good friend a long time ago. Her husband almost killed her and went to jail. And as soon as he got out, she went and went back to him and no one could understand. But when I talked to her, she said the exact same thing. It was like this complex situation that all this shame and isolation and all that.

[0:09:08] Amelia: Yeah, it really becomes a really strong attachment that it doesn't make logical sense, but if there's like a conditioning around it that's like, this is what I know, so this is what I'm going to go back to and oh gosh, I have such empathy for that, to go back to that person. But thankfully for me, I definitely broken away from him for good. But actually I did go back again.

[0:09:36] Brianne Davis: You did?

[0:09:38] Amelia: Briefly for a couple of night fling.

[0:09:43] Brianne Davis: Did anybody know about that or is that actually secret?

[0:09:46] Amelia: No, that's the secret we got. You.

[0:09:52] Brianne Davis: Not like that's a great thing. No, but I'm saying we all have these little things we just don't tell people. And you think you're life light and free and done with secrets, but really? We still hold secrets sometimes.

[0:10:05] Amelia: Yeah, no, I said I have no secret, knowing that I probably do, but yeah, so we can always uncover or something. But yeah, actually, as I was saying it to you, I was like, oh, my gosh, I actually never told anyone about that. So that's technically a secret. Well, now I told you, so now it's out there.

[0:10:26] Brianne Davis: Now you're free of it. But you were talking about the moment, that moment where you let that big one go. I think it was about this relationship.

[0:10:34] Amelia: Yeah. And the other big part of that secret was that when I was in such a desperate moment to get away from him, when he was really like, berating me and emailing me and texting me and calling me and I was trying to get away, like, I really was. And he was saying things like, you're worthless and you should just kill yourself, and you're so selfish, and all these life terrible bad names that start with B's and C's and FS and all of that. And I was so desperate, I didn't know what to do. I just went to the store and I bought all this ad bill and pills and nightclub and I drank a bunch of it and I just wanted to get away. I didn't want to take my life. It was an interesting thing to explain to the doctors because as soon as I did that, I immediately went to a friend and I was like, I need you to take me to the hospital. This is what I just did.

[0:11:35] Brianne Davis: Right.

[0:11:37] Amelia: And so that was the other big part of the secret that I let go in that moment. And I think that's probably what sparked me to say that, because I think it was a group of close friends and we were just like, naturally revealing stuff to each other. And someone mentioned something about thoughts of suicide and things like that. And I mentioned I attempted it once and so then I told them the whole story and why, but it was really like a cry for help for me because I did not want to take my life. I just wanted to do something to be like, leave me alone. Kind of like a scream for help.

[0:12:15] Brianne Davis: I mean, I remember my first year when I was getting sober in my program. I didn't want to be on this earth. I didn't want to commit suicide, but I definitely wanted to crawl out of my skin, not be on this earth because the pain and everything I was experiencing was too much. And it sounds like similar thing. You were in this painful situation with this person that was abusing you and you could not get out of it, and you just didn't want to be here anymore for that.

[0:12:44] Amelia: Yeah, I love that. Thank you for describing it that way because it just sounded weird to me to be like, okay, so you went to the store, you bought all this stuff, but you didn't want to commit suicide. And it was like, no, I just didn't want to feel the pain anymore. I just wanted him to stop. And he wouldn't stop. If I was crying, if I was screaming, if I was hitting at him, throwing things, life, stop, stop. He would not stop. And so, yeah, I just didn't want to feel that anymore. Yeah. So hard. Dark times.

[0:13:16] Brianne Davis: Dark times. And listen, I'm sure the listeners, we all have them, we've all been through our own journeys, but I think that's beautiful that you cried for help and then you shared it. And that moment of letting go, was it euphoric or was there, like, a crash afterwards?

[0:13:39] Amelia: I definitely think one of my favorite terms is vulnerability hangover, where after you share something really deep and real and the next day you're like, oh, my gosh, did that just happen? I believe I probably had a little bit of that the next day. But in the moment, to be with those close friends and to be received with love, and they didn't try to fix anything or change anything or even say anything. It was just to be heard and witnessed and loved. I mean, that yeah, it felt as euphoric as like as if there was a big boulder on my chest and someone finally lifted it off. I felt like I could load for a second because it was like, oh, my gosh, I let that go. Yeah. Even just describing it, I feel it again, and I'm just like, that's so good. It feels so good.

[0:14:31] Brianne Davis: It's the best feeling. And when I was even asking people to be on this, they're life. I'm not comfortable sharing it. And I'm saying this to you, I'm not saying who these people were, but I was like, you will feel so much better, life. No one will know it's you. I promise. It will be so much lighter. And they're like, I'm not ready. And I was like, okay. To each his own.

[0:14:51] Amelia: Yeah, absolutely. I think when we're carrying so much, like I said, I used to have a lot of secret, and I was just so used to it. But I think when that first big boulder got removed, it was like, oh, I can do this. And I think, too, the thing to remember is you don't want to tell the world everything. I think it's also knowing who is safe and who will be there to witness their secret. Or even on a podcast like this, where you can be anonymous. I think that's also very healing, where it's like hundreds of people can hear it and they don't even have to know it's you. But even just saying it out loud is so freeing. Yeah, absolutely.

[0:15:39] Brianne Davis: So you said you've gone through this process and you've let go of all these secrets, and it's been years, life. My journey has been like, eleven years. And so each time you did it, what came about? Is there something specific? Like, each time you let go, you felt, like, a little different?

[0:16:00] Amelia: Yeah. Each time I let go, even if it was like little ones or big ones, I would feel a little bit freer, a little bit lighter, a little bit life, more possibility, a little bit more loved. Especially if I was letting it go to someone, another human being, and then having them just witness it and hear it. It just was like, there's just that moment where I'm like, I can really let that go now. I really don't have to carry that and have that in the back of my mind, because the energy that it takes to hide these things, we don't think it takes a lot of energy until we do let it go, and we're like, whoa, that would take a lot of energy.

[0:16:47] Brianne Davis: It takes so much energy, and it also keeps you so disconnected from other people. That's what I felt like I felt every time I had a secret. Even if it was like a teeny thing you would never thought would keep you separate from someone, but it does.

[0:17:02] Amelia: It's kind of like where you have the pebble in your shoe and no one else can see it, and you could easily pretend to walk and be like, whatever else, I don't feel like taking my shoe off right now, so I'll just keep walking. But little by little, it'll start to get at your foot and eventually probably cut it up or just be really uncomfortable. And it's not impossible to walk with that, and no one else will know unless you're like, there's a pebble in my shoe. So it's kind of like that, but it's really annoying. And the more you walk with it, the worse it'll feel over time, until you're finally like, oh, my gosh, I lost a toe. I guess I should have removed that pebble a long time ago.

[0:17:44] Brianne Davis: Or you get, like, a callus, and then it starts life building up that hard skin as I was like, you're building up that hard shell on your outside. People are like, please don't talk about feet right now. But that's what I keep thinking of.

[0:17:58] Amelia: Life.

[0:17:58] Brianne Davis: Every little secret, every little lie just builds a shell around yourself.

[0:18:04] Amelia: Yes. And yeah, you might be, quote, unquote, protected. However, it's also keeping you from life. The love and the joy and connection you can feel. And even with the closest people in your life, that actually adds to the pain. So now you're carrying this weight of all these rocks for, like, mixing metaphors here, but you're carrying the weight of all these rocks, but now you're wearing all these layers, and you're just underneath all these layers, and you can't actually feel people anymore to the extent that you're but then you get used to it. And then you wonder, why am I so unhappy? Life there could be alone.

[0:18:42] Brianne Davis: Why am I so alone? Why do I feel uncomfortable?

[0:18:47] Amelia: And it's like, well, years and years of conditioning yourself to build those layers and carry those rocks and that weight. That's why it's myself. Just let it go.

[0:18:57] Brianne Davis: But here's my question for you, because I know you're starting to work with this, like, self love and helping people find their authentic, true selves. But my question for you and I always and I already kind of know the answer when I answer it myself, but from your perspective, when people are struggling, why do they have so much trouble asking for help when they have these secrets that they know they need help with? Why can't people ask for help?

[0:19:26] Amelia: Well, I think one of the big things is we're conditioned not to. I mean, from the time at least here in the United States, because this is where I went to school from the time you're in first grade, you're conditioned not to cheat, quote, unquote, which means you're conditioned not to ask other people for help. Like from the time we're six years old, we're taught, oh, if you ask someone else for help, that means you weren't good enough to do it on your own. And I think our schooling system, a lot of our schooling systems condition us that way and our culture, too. It's like there's this sense of pride and life completing something on your own and doing it all yourself, and this belief that asking for help is a sign of weakness and also just the vulnerability of sharing your true, authentic emotions. Life it's interesting how when we talk about if I'm crying, that means I'm falling apart or crying is weakness. So there's all these associations that we have with things that are actually really natural, but then we attach like a negative meaning to it. And actually, one of my friends, we were talking about something random today because the time that we're recording this, it's raining here in New York City, which is where I am right now. And we were talking about how, oh, it's so ugly outside. And then we were like, isn't that interesting how rain and thunderstorms are so natural, yet we call it ugly.

[0:20:49] Brianne Davis: Oh, I don't I love when it rains. I love weather storms. But that is interesting because people are like, oh, it's gross outside. And I'm like, the earth is cleaning itself. I think it's beautiful, right?

[0:21:02] Amelia: And I think thunderstorms are with the darkness and then the lightning and the sound, it's beautiful. But it's interesting. Life, when we notice as something as simple as the weather, that we attach a negative meaning to something that's natural. So crying, feeling sad, feeling angry, feeling jealous, feeling greedy, life, all of those things are natural things. And then it's like, oh, if you're crying, you're falling apart, you're weak if you're sad. And that's showing your weakness. And that means that they win life, there's just this win, lose, good, bad.

[0:21:36] Brianne Davis: Instead of it just being neutral, just is what it is. You're sad today. You're feeling your feelings today. And the beautiful thing and I'm trying to teach my son, too, that we're talking about life, feeling your emotions and crying that I allow him to cry. I'm like, I know you're upset. It's okay, because I don't want those feelings to get trapped in him. Like, it happened to me, it's happened to other especially young boys.

[0:22:03] Amelia: Yeah, absolutely. Especially. That's so beautiful. I love that.

[0:22:09] Brianne Davis: But here's the next question. I only have a couple more, but what do you think the benefit is that people keep secrets? And what do you think the harm it causes them, from your perspective?

[0:22:27] Amelia: The benefit of keeping secrets is you avoid the negative reaction or the backlash that you will get. That's kind of why a little bit earlier I mentioned about there is such a thing as, like, revealing too much and also revealing to the wrong people. And so I think we keep them because we don't know how the other person is going to react. And I'm reminded of a wonderful Brene Brown quote about vulnerability, where it's like vulnerability is about showing up authentically exactly as you are. I'm paraphrasing, even though we don't know what the outcome is going to be. And so the benefit, though, life, for example, life, me not telling a friend that I've fallen in love with him, the benefit is that I don't have to face potential rejection if he doesn't feel the same way.

[0:23:16] Brianne Davis: Right, right.

[0:23:18] Amelia: But the harm it does is that's another rock that I'm holding on to. And also he doesn't know that someone loves him in that way. So I think any secret you could probably find life a benefit and a harm.

[0:23:35] Brianne Davis: Right.

[0:23:35] Amelia: And so with my big secret, the benefit I guess I got was I didn't know what would happen if everybody knew that I was in this abusive relationship life. What were they going to be? Cops coming to my house and people asking me all kinds of questions and being like, why did you get together with him? Why didn't you tell us sooner? I think we just make up this we think of the worst case scenario of what could happen when we reveal the secret. And so we want to avoid that worst case scenario, and that's why we don't reveal. And so we think that's a benefit, but really it's the harm. Yeah, and then the harm, there's harm to yourself because you're holding on to it. That pebble that's going to eventually cut you up or create calluses and stuff. And also, there's so many ways that it could harm other people in your life as well.

[0:24:29] Brianne Davis: And my last question for you is if someone else was going through the situation that you went through, or what would be the advice, like, letting go of your secrets for people.

[0:24:40] Amelia: Yeah, I really love this question and the first tiniest step you can do is admitting the secret to yourself. Even if you say it out loud to yourself. Or maybe it's even too hard to say it out loud, although that's what I would recommend because hearing your own voice and feeling it released from your body physically will also release it. You don't necessarily have to tell someone else, but even if you just life write it down at first. For me, when I'm feeling sad, sometimes it's really melancholy because I have life a tendency towards melancholy and sometimes I just have to say out loud, like to myself in my room, like I'm sad, I'm really sad or I'm heartbroken. And even just saying it out loud to myself relieves a lot of that weight. And so I would say don't feel pressured to life, tell the world or hop on a podcast or scream from the come on, but also definitely come onto the podcast. But I'll say a tiny step, right, would be to first admit it to yourself. And then I think from there a natural next step would be who's a trusted friend or trusted advisor or mentor that you can reveal it to. Because I will say too, revealing it to another human being is so freeing. So more than admitting it to yourself and you can say to them, I just need you to listen and love me, I don't need a solution, I don't need a fix or whatever, right? But just please, while you sit, I'm about to reveal something that's really big and just have them witness and love you through it. But first step to yourself if it feels like too much and then get on brief show.

[0:26:37] Brianne Davis: Yes. Then come on and reveal it to me because I have no judgment.

[0:26:42] Amelia: Exactly.

[0:26:43] Brianne Davis: Well, if people wanted to find you, find out what you're doing now to build the self love to letting go of past trauma, where would they find you?

[0:26:52] Amelia: Yeah, absolutely. So my website is selflovestory.com. So just all one word, selflovestory.com. And when you go there, there's a ton of free resources. I actually just revamped my website where you can look at three different categories dating and relationships, career and business or money and abundance. And when you click whichever category you want, there's like free videos, podcasts, blogs, all kinds of just free resources there for you to devour. And I'm really happy because this is a recent new revamp of my website. I know sometimes it takes a lot to reach out to someone. There's always a possibility to reach out to me through my website, but I know that that's a big step sometimes. So I like to just give the resources that you can read and listen to and there's a lot, a lot there for you.

[0:27:45] Brianne Davis: Well, thank you so much for coming on and sharing your past secret and also revealing a new secret that you didn't even know you were carrying.

[0:27:54] Amelia: I know you're really good at this. Definitely get on the show, guys. Well, thank you.

[0:28:00] Brianne Davis: I appreciate it so much.

[0:28:02] Amelia: You're welcome. Thank you for having me on.

[0:28:05] Brianne Davis: And if you want to be on the show, please email me at SecretLife [email protected]. Until next time.

Thanks again for listening to the show. Please subscribe rate, share or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com. And if you would like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love. Thanks again. See you soon.

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