082: What to Say to Grief

Grief is a part of all life, we cannot escape it.  Communicating to people we love in their grief is challenging. We want our words to bring comfort, we need to get comfortable being uncomfortable and show up with love and words that connect or maybe silence is the answer.  Listen for ideas of what to say and what not to in these uncomfortable moments.  

Episode Quotes and Links: 

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"Grief is not a medical disorder to be cured. Grief is not spiritual crisis to be resolved. Grief is not a social woe to be addressed. Grief is, simply, a matter of the heart — to be felt.” 

“When we love deeply, we mourn deeply; extraordinary grief is an expression of extraordinary love. Grief and love mirror each other; one is not possible without the other.” 

“Others may tell us that it’s time to “move on” or that this is “part of some bigger plan” — because our shattering makes them feel uneasy, vulnerable, at risk. Some may avoid us, others pity us. But this grief is ours. We have earned this grief, paying for it with love and steadfast devotion. We own this pain, even on days when we wish it weren’t so. We needn’t give it away or allow anything, or anyone, to pilfer it.” 

Joanne Cacciatore, Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief

“We need to talk about the hierarchy of grief. You hear it all the time—no grief is worse than any other. I don’t think that’s one bit true. There is a hierarchy of grief. Divorce is not the same as the death of a partner. Death of a grandparent is not the same as the death of a child. Losing your job is not the same as losing a limb.

Here’s the thing: every loss is valid. And every loss is not the same. You can’t flatten the landscape of grief and say that everything is equal. It isn’t.”

“There are losses that rearrange the world. Deaths that change the way you see everything, grief that tears everything down. Pain that transports you to an entirely different universe, even while everyone else thinks nothing has really changed.” 

“The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can't be cheered out of. You don't need solutions. You don't need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life. Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.” 

“There is not a reason for everything. Not every loss can be transformed into something useful. Things happen that do not have a silver lining.” 

Megan Devine, It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand 

“Grief is a heart-wrenchingly painful problem for the brain to solve, and grieving necessitates learning to live in the world with the absence of someone you love deeply, who is ingrained in your understanding of the world. This means that for the brain, your loved one is simultaneously gone and also everlasting, and you are walking through two worlds at the same time. You are navigating your life despite the fact that they have been stolen from you, a premise that makes no sense, and that is both confusing and upsetting.”

Mary-Frances O'Connor, The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss