Should I Marry My Porn-Addicted Fiancé or Move On?

We KNOW this is a VERY intense episode title! We decided to tackle this topic because it was submitted by a PBSE listener who is engaged to a porn addict and wants to know if she should proceed or end the relationship. Here's how she describes her situation—

"Hi, I really appreciate this podcast and what it offers—as a partner of a porn addict, it gives me valuable insight on what we are both going through. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. About 3 years ago, I found out about his addiction and it’s been an uphill battle ever since. All of this has been heartbreaking to say the least and I have been trying to make sense of the deep betrayal and hurt. About three months ago, I finally asked him to put accountability software on his device and regularly talk to an accountability partner. He also has content and website restrictions on his phone. Since then, there have been 3-4 times I’ve found that he has looked up pornography on his device or worked a way around the accountability software. Despite this, I see real progress from him—he was almost 3.5 weeks sober just recently. I believe it happens much less often and genuinely believe he is trying. However, I am defeated because he told me he slipped up again. I have given him so much grace and understanding despite my deep hurt and pain. I am becoming increasingly more frustrated and heartbroken every time this happens. Being with someone for 6 years, I have been ready to get serious and start a life with him. But, every time this happens I feel like we are taking more and more steps backward. How do we end this toxic cycle, reclaim our relationship and finally move forward? Or—do I need to be more realistic and end this relationship, as he is too deep in his addiction? Thank you for any insight."

In this episode, Steve shares his own personal relationship story to illustrate that many years ago he and his partner were in a very similar situation!

 -  Why is it crucial to understand the differences between "reactive/pain-avoiding recovery" and "proactive, leading-out, all-in recovery"? 

-  What are the "3 Critical Rules" for couples contemplating entering into a life-long committed relationship where one of them is a porn/sex addict?

-  Why is it NOT in the best interest and happiness of either individual to enter into a long-term commitment UNLESS certain very specific conditions are willingly agreed to and worked on long BEFORE the final joining takes place?

-  Why is it imperative that the partner of a porn/sex addict tell him what he "needs to hear" as opposed to what he "wants to hear"? 

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services