Ep 89 Listeners’ 2020 Grief and Gratitude

“I grieve and thank Time for all of these reasons”: In this special year-end episode, a compendium of listeners’ stories of the losses they’re grieving and something they're grateful for in 2020, and a tribute to the most wonderful mom in the world.

The post Ep 89 Listeners’ 2020 Grief and Gratitude appeared first on Midlife Mixtape .

“I grieve and thank Time for all of these reasons”: In this special year-end episode, a compendium of listeners’ stories of the losses they’re grieving and something they’re grateful for in 2020, and a tribute to the most wonderful mom in the world.

Midlife Mixtape End of Year Virtual Dance Party with DJ Damon – Dec 22 at 6 pm PT
Wendi Aarons’ humor writing on McSweeneys
Wendi Aarons’ humor writing on the New Yorker

Thanks as always to M. The Heir Apparent, who provides the music behind the podcast – check him out here! ***This is a rough transcription of Episode 89 of the Midlife Mixtape Podcast. It originally aired on December 22, 2020. Transcripts are created using a combination of speech recognition software and human transcribers, and there may be errors in this transcription, but we hope that it provides helpful insight into the conversation. If you have any questions or need clarification, please email [email protected] ***

Nancy Davis Kho 00:00

I have more memories of this year than most. I understand how life can change in an instant and I will always be thankful for 2020, for it has truly made me stop and smell the roses.

00:12

Welcome to Midlife Mixtape, The Podcast. I’m Nancy Davis Kho and we’re here to talk about the years between being hip and breaking one.

[THEME MUSIC – “Be Free” by M. The Heir Apparent]

Nancy 00:37

If you’re hearing this episode on the day it publishes – that is, Tuesday, December 22, 2020 – I’d like to invite you to a celebration of the final Midlife Mixtape Podcast episode of the longest year in the history of print calendars. I’ve asked my friend DJ Damon, who in normal times spins ‘80s alternative dance music at the Cat Club in San Francisco, to host Midlife Mixtape listeners on his Twitch channel tonight for two hours, starting at 6 pm Pacific, 7 Mountain, 8 Central, and  9 pm Eastern. All you have to do at the appointed time is go to https://www.twitch.tv/dj_damon – that’s https://www.twitch.tv/dj_damon – don’t worry, I’ll leave a link in the show notes – and you’ll be at the party along with Prince, Bronski Beat, Depeche Mode and more.

Obviously NOT like an in-person dance party but you can still turn your computer speakers all the way up to 11 and dance around your living room. There’s a chat function on Twitch and I’ll be hanging out there so I hope you’ll drop in and say hello.

As you’re going to hear at the end of the episode, I’m haven’t been able to put together my normal OCD playlist for this one, so I’m relying on you guys to add your requests to the chat tonight and Damon will get them spinning. No matter how you’re feeling today -sad, angry, disappointed, grateful, optimistic, lucky – dancing is always the right answer. I mean, we’ve all seen the solo Kevin Bacon anger dance scene in Footloose, right? Dance out those feelings. I hope you’ll join in for a single song or for a couple of hours tonight, Dec 22 at 6 pm PT at https://www.twitch.tv/dj_damon. I’ll buy the first round!

[MUSIC]

Nancy

Welcome to the final episode of the Midlife Mixtape Podcast of 2020. I’m the host and creator of the show, Nancy Davis Kho, and I’m so glad you’re joining us.

I hope if this show has brought you laughter, good memories, or food for thought this year that you’ll consider leaving a review wherever you listen, to help other folks decide whether there’s any there, there. (Shoutout to Gertrude Stein talking about Oakland where I live, though I have to follow up with a disclaimer that she wasn’t being dismissive, it was really written with a lens of nostalgia for her hometown, but it’s a long disclaimer best shared over coffee.) Anyway – here are a couple recent 5 star reviews that warmed the proverbial cockles of my heart:

“Midlife Mixtape Hallelujah” – Maleza says it’s the first time she’s heard something so relevant to her.

And Amber said, “Like being invited to the Cool Kids’ table, Nancy makes aging feel like a gratifying rite of passage – funny, inspiring, and heart-warming.”

Believe me I would have LOVED to have been invited to the cool kids’ table in high school so that one really landed for me. Thanks so much for the kind words.

My plan for today’s episode HAD been to re-air the most popular episode of the year – which was, by the way, the very first episode of the year, Episode 69 with Ada Calhoun, author of the book “Why We Can’t Sleep: Women’s New Midlife Crisis.” Boy if you thought we weren’t sleeping in January of 2020 – little did we know what was going to happen next.

But then I realized that what felt more appropriate to close out this cruel, grueling year was to hear from you. You have me in your ear all the time, or at least every other week. I wanted to hear how guys are doing. When I say that my favorite episodes of this show are the Listener-Contributed ones where you send in your stories, I’m not exaggerating. I feel like we’ve built some community here, together, of people in the years between being hip and breaking one. We’re a group of proverbial middle kids, generationally speaking, overlooked everywhere else, but celebrated on this podcast.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to invite you to my Mastermind group or make us go on a team-building retreat, but I do think there’s something cool about knowing that there’s a group of folks out there who also listen to the Midlife Mixtape Podcast and care about first concerts and recognize the greatness inherent in Generation X.

One of the things that I really do value about us as a generation is our clear-eyed take on the world. A little bit of cynicism on the part of the slackers isn’t necessarily a bad thing; it means we see problems for what they are, which is a critical first step to solving them. But we also believe in happy endings, Jake Ryan showing up in a red Porsche, Ethan Hawke figuring out his shit so he could end up with Winona in Seattle, Split Enz breaking up, but Crowded House arising from the ashes.

We know good things and bad things can and do exist side by side, never more than in 2020. As summarized so beautifully by my guest for Ep 84, Therapist Mazi Robinson:

Mazi Robinson 05:20

In reality, what is actually helpful thinking, and healthy thinking, and what actually does build resilience is learning to live in that duality. “I am grateful that I am healthy, I am grateful that I have a roof over my head and food in my pantry AND I miss going into my office and I don’t like homeschooling, virtual teaching my kids and I’m ready for my kids to come back to school and I’m ready to have my freedom of movement.” This is an opportunity for us to learn to live in both of those realities because they are both real.

Nancy 06:01

So to mark the end of 2020, I invited you to share a loss you’re grieving, and something for which you are grateful from this year.

I heard from you via Facebook, Instagram, emails, blog comments, and voicemails. Having previewed all of these reflections, I will let you know that as you listen to these stories, the grief is big. You may tear up – have some tissues ready. But then, I promise promise promise, that every single person who shared a deep grief followed it with the good things that came along to lessen the pain of those hardships. When I was making this episode, I looked like one of those freakin’ Greek double tragedy/comedy masks – Sad/happy! Sad/happy! And you may too. In the end I hope that this episode will help you think deeply about your own year-end summary of grief and gratitude.

So buckle up, buttercups, and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle. Here comes the last Midlife Mixtape Podcast Episode of 2020.

[MUSIC]

Nancy

Normally when I ask for reader stories, they sort themselves naturally into 5-6 categories. Not this time. There were only two major categories, and technically, they both concerned losses sustained by other people: our kids, and our older loved ones. I’ll have humor writer Wendi Aarons start us off the first category.

Wendi Aarons 07:21

Hi, this is Wendi Aarons and I am sharing my one grief for this year – while there were many, of varying degrees. But one was that my son graduated from high school and we had no graduation ceremony or parties or anything like that. And then he was headed off to college in California, but the pandemic put a stop to that too.

So, he’s been attending freshman year from his bedroom here in Texas and not too thrilled that the weird people in his dorm are his parents. So that’s been disappointing to say the least…and let’s hope he can finally get on campus somewhere next year.

My one bit of gratitude is all of the humor that’s come out of this year. I’m a big fan of dark and gallows humor and we’re having a heyday. Gallows humor is having a moment in 2020! But there’s so much shared experiences and humor and relatable jokes right now born out of the election and the craziness happening in the world. And I think that brings everybody together more in some respects. I appreciate that and I tried to share some myself, but I really like that. It keeps people’s spirits up and it’s brought out a lot of creativity. Not saying that I would rather have another pandemic so the humor is there…but you get my drift.

Nancy 09:03

Seriously, you guys, she’s not jinxing us and asking for another pandemic, just for the glory of the comedy that arises from the ashes. I will say that Wendi has done some of her most amazing humor writing this year, and that’s saying something. She’s had pieces in the New Yorker and McSweeney’s and I’ll leave a link to those in the show notes. For instance, her latest on McSweeney’s was Musk: The Mask for Men and here’s a snippet:

Our masks aren’t made out of SOFT FABRICS. None of that BREATHABLE DAINTY ASS COTTON for us, Jack. OUR masks are made from material that’s as TOUGH and unyielding and as uncomfortable as the comments you leave on Barstool Sports’ articles about how lady sports commentators SUCK.

Over on Instagram Alexander Rosas said that she too is grieving for missing two of her son’s graduations. But, she says, “I’m so grateful that we are physically well.” And that’s really what it comes down to, the simplest things.

This is what Karen wrote in to say:

“I’m grieving for and grateful for time. Time has marched headlong this year and left in its wake: a senior prom, high school graduation, gap year in Africa, Grand Canyon rafting trip, freshman quarter in college, 50th birthday celebration. Worst of all, time recklessly dealt the news of an estimated two years left on this planet with my mom.

Time also gave us many meals at home crafted with care, reading the entire Sunday New York Times in one sitting, never sitting in traffic, more exercise and more podcasts, watching some excellent shows and movies, more reading, space in closets, hiking the Tahoe Rim Trail with my teenager, long carefree summer days in Oregon. The end of the time of Trump. I grieve and thank Time for all of these reasons.”

There were a lot of home-grown graduation parties this year – we did one for our daughter in our garage, with drive-bys, and we all agreed it was a lot more memorable than sitting in a folding chair on a hot football field for four hours so that was some compensation.

But even if they’re not graduating – the parents among us are feeling their kids’ pain. Audrey wrote in to say, “I’m grieving my son not playing water polo with the team he loves,” and she’s celebrating so much time being present with her family this year.

Aaron Wright experienced the pain of his children’s loss as his own too. He says, “I’m grieving how much my children are missing because of COVID, particularly my son who is a senior in high school,” but he’s celebrating and is grateful for his family’s health and the re-launch of his book.

I really feel for all these athletes and performers who had to take such an unfair pause on their lives this year. Oh, have you guys seen that Amazon ad? Did I already talk about this? Maybe I did. That Amazon ad where the ballerina has to do her Nutcracker performance out on a rooftop? Oh my God, it kills me every time.

In a similar vein, Ann Imig wrote in and said, “A grief for this year is watching my teens lives become so small and they’re developing lives outside the home almost grind to a halt. No concerts, no sports, no sleepovers, no camping, no trips, no poker night. Man, I miss having my boys’ friend’s over here.”

Ann, side note, I’m going to replay this to you sometime in late 2021 when the detritus of a thousand frozen pizzas is on your kitchen counter and someone to whom you did not give birth has clogged your toilet.

But Ann goes on to say, “A gratitude for this year is mostly – ha!” We get it. It’s not always peaceful. She says “It’s mostly peaceful family time together, especially exploring beautiful parks around town and appreciating how my sons have risen to this occasion in so many ways. It’s not an original pandemic thought but I think it’s the most important. Instead of a non-stop life, we get a full stop life. And considering all the hardship, loss, and suffering, I feel beyond lucky and grateful. “

Elizabeth McGuire has been on the roller coaster for sure. She writes, “My oldest child is a high school senior and the past nine months have been a grief/gratitude roller coaster with her particularly when it comes to the college application process. We had to cancel several out of state college visits and instead tour campuses virtually from the sofa. We are having to make big decisions based on limited information and shifting sands.

But on the upside, we have spent more time with her this year than we normally would have. We regularly have lunch together and take impromptu walks. This is not the senior year any of us imagined for her, but in many ways it feels like a wonderful gift before she leaves the nest.

Nancy 13:20

And finally, Deanna Chrisman, I think, sums it up for all of us.

On the grief side of the balance, Deanna writes, “2020 was the year I didn’t get to watch my son graduate from high school with all the pomp and circumstance he deserved. I didn’t get to see one last spring performance with my two older kids. I didn’t get senior ball and junior formal photos for my two high school seniors. And finally, I didn’t get to watch my daughter begin her senior year with all the bells and whistles. My youngest, who is on the spectrum, had several setbacks this year.”

But on the gratitude side of the scale, Deanna says, “I did get a bonus here with my oldest. He’s taking his freshman classes with us at home. I got months and months of time with all three kids and my husband that I will never get back. I got hours of conversation, some deep and meaningful, some light and humorous. I have more memories of this year than most. I understand how life can change in an instant. And I will always be thankful for 2020, for it has truly made me stop and smell the roses.” That is just beautiful, Deanna.

Of course, it’s not just the impact on our children we’re worried about; we’re monitoring our family members wherever they are. And here’s Laura Ward Collins to share more on that.

Laura Ward Collins 14:30

My grief is that my oldest brother continues to decline in ways that, truly, the older brother I know is gone. He is just a shell of himself and it breaks my heart that much of his self-destruction has been self-chosen.

But my gratitude is that I took this pandemic and more time, including introspection, to take a huge risk in my life. I had a voice performance minor and undergrad and I’ve sung throughout the years on and off, for example in the Bay Area in a chamber group at Grace Cathedral. But my younger years of being onstage and letting my voice soar? Well, something in my middle age bones said, “uh, it’s not over yet.”

So in July, I reached out to a Broadway star. I still can’t believe I did this. Since then I had the opportunity to take a lesson and sing with him. He’s actually a pretty big name, who I have a lot of respect for and look up to for the quality of his voice and ability to convey some meaning. Lo and behold! Now, five months and 16 weekly lessons later via Zoom, we are getting me ready to sing a cabaret show once this pandemic is over. Now, it’s not exactly like Broadway is my next stop nor do I want it to be as I have a rewarding career in philanthropy and nonprofit management.

But as a side gig, sure. In fact, I’ve realized this is the type of singing I want to do – intimate personal stories and lessons from my life live now with much to share, including my overseas adventures.

Nancy 16:02

I am sending so much love to all of you who are listening as you try to support the important people in your lives through this year and I’m so inspired by the way you’ve managed to carve out some growth and goodness from all that heaviness.

And, you know, it occurred to me as I was compiling all these responses, how much proof this is that Gen X is really the glue trying to hold things together during a global pandemic. I mean, we experience the losses of the younger generation as our own. And if you’re like me, you’re spinning plates madly trying to compensate and make things okay anyway and it’s just hard.

Before I get to the second big category, I wanted to make it clear that many of us have absolutely suffered direct losses and we’re using it to spur some brave changes.

Like Anjanette, who says, “I’m grieving the loss of my daycare business due to COVID and our property due to fires here in California. But at the same time, I’m grateful they caused me to reevaluate things and change my focus. I’m committed to growing my side gig and serving our nonprofit.” You know, Anjanette, will you reach out to me on Instagram and let me know what your nonprofit is? I would love to follow along as you grow it – and kudos to you for following this new path.

Michelle Fishburne says, “I’m grieving the partial loss of my hearing and balance, but I am grateful I lost my job during COVID because I’ve now created my own job and I love it.” I’m gonna read that again. “I’m grateful I lost my job during COVID because now I’ve created my own job and I love it.” Sometimes that kick out the door is all you need and I am crossing my fingers for you, Michelle. Go get it, girl. Get it done. Get it done.

This one is a little bit harrowing from Erica Bachman. She says, “I’m grieving that my dad had a cardiac incident and laid on the floor of his home for two days before we figured out something was wrong. But I’m grateful that my sisters and I took him back to his home for rehab, rather than to a skilled nursing facility where we wouldn’t have been able to visit him, and that we take turns staying with him while he gets stronger and more motivated every day. What a gift to spend so much time with my father.”

Hard story. Happy ending. Thank you, Erica.

And finally, this story from Donna. She wrote in to say, “I’m grieving the loss of our lovely Irish setter mix. She was 12 years old and we adopted her at 11 months. Making the decision to put her down was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. And even though I know she isn’t suffering anymore, it broke my heart to watch her leave us. I miss her so much.”

Oh, puppers. Two dogs close to my heart died in the past six months and it’s such a sad thing to go through. But I know my late great dog Achilles shows every newcomer to dog Heaven where to find the rotisserie chicken on an unguarded kitchen counter. I am certain that was the first thing he figured out when he got there. I know he’s telling everybody else how to do it too.

Then Donna adds, “I’m grateful that after seven months out of work, I found a job. So many people are struggling more than I am during the pandemic so I’ve decided to do what I can to help others by donating to my local food pantry and adopting a child for Christmas gift giving. I’m so grateful to finally be in a position to help others.”

[MUSIC]

Nancy 19:08

And now we come to the second final and hardest category, the deaths of people we love. I want you to listen to these. I want you to try to hold on through these stories because I promise each one does end with gratitude. And if people who have suffered losses like these can still find something to be grateful for, I know you can too.

We’ll start with my college friend Shira who moved to Holland after graduation and never came home again. I miss her terribly and we stay connected via social media but it took the pandemic for Shira and I to actually schedule video calls to check in. And that is one of the things I am most grateful for this year, that I’m reconnected with my dear friend Shira. She’s going to take it from here.

Shira 19:47

Hey, Nance. I am mourning losing my mother-in-law Dien, or Dinie. She died of euthanasia. And she had the most dignified, beautiful and sad death this year. The death was sad, but just not having her in my life, you know how bad it is. It’s just really hard because she was someone I always had in the back of my mind. Like, “I’ll just write her an email or give her a call, she would just love this, she would laugh.” She’s very warm and always ready to laugh even though she was in tremendous pain for the past 10 years. I just miss having her in my life so I’m mourning her passing away.

And I’m grateful for the world slowing down this year. It’s one of those “be careful what you wish for” years because I always thought, I love my life, but it’s all going too fast. And I never have time to enjoy my surroundings or just be bored.

I’m grateful for being bored. Maybe that’s a good way of putting it.

It’s something I’ve been longing for so long, so I’m enjoying it. I have moments and hours at a time where I don’t know what to do with myself and it reminds me of when I was in my 20s, where I can lie on the couch and read or draw or do nothing, stare into space and think that I should be being creative and just accept that I’m not. It’s been really nice. So those are the things and of course, being in touch more and more with you is wonderful too.

But my two things are a mourning my mother-in-law who is just a sparkle of light in my life, and I’m grateful for boredom.

Nancy 21:44

Sara says, “After surgery and almost a year of cancer treatments, my little sister died. I’m grateful she is no longer in pain, but I will miss her smile, her laugh and her can do attitude forever. She was a mother who learned unconditional love in reaction to our own mother.”

And here is Sarah’s gratitude, “I’m so grateful for video calls we had for cards, letters, calls and emails from friends who have dug out old pictures and their own memories of my sister to share. Their own gratitude for knowing her has enlarged my understanding of who she was soothes my anger at her suffering and passing and directed me toward a gratitude outreach to others.”

Michelle Springer wrote in to say, “Of the several reasons I have to grieve, the biggest one is the sudden loss of my cousin last month who died while giving birth to her son who was an unexpected but very welcome surprise for her. My cousin’s loss has been a big one for my family.”

Michelle says the biggest reason for gratitude is my job. “The library that I work at has been closed twice this year. We’re currently in a month-long closure, but we have all gotten paid during the closures and no one has lost their job. I know how extremely rare that is, especially during this crazy year and I’m extremely grateful for that.”

I want to share two more stories of beloved people whose loss was the darkness against which something brighter could be seen. And the first comes from Marci.

Marci Cohen 23:08

This is Marci Cohen. My grief of 2020 is that my father-in-law passed away in March of non-COVID causes, but he died out of town. Although my husband was by his side, the rest of the family could not gather to grieve. We could not hold a funeral. We still have not been able to hold a memorial service and I don’t know when that will happen.

On the plus side, my gratitude is that amount of time that I’ve spent with my husband this year. Normally, he travels very heavily for work. He’s been doing this for the last 15 years and it’s been really wonderful to wake up next to him every morning. And we’ve been biking on our tandem almost every weekend more than we have since our kids were born.

Nancy 23:53

If you have to work out your grief, there are worse places to do it than on a bicycle built for two.

And one final reader story. This one is from Charlene.

Charlene 24:02

Hey, Nancy. This is Charlene Ross from Southern California. I was born and raised here. And about nine years ago, my dad and stepmom moved to Austin, Texas to retire. My sister had married a Texan and had settled out there. So they followed because of the lower cost of living.

So my grief and my gratitude are this. My grief is that my family had never been able to make it out there for a vacation and we had finally planned a vacation to Austin this April. We were supposed to visit and of course, COVID happened and so we were unable to. My grief is actually twofold because in June my father passed away unexpectedly. So not only did we miss our vacation, but we missed visiting my dad before he died.

My gratitude, which is actually also twofold, is that my dad did not die of COVID. So my stepmother was in the hospital with him before he died, and my sister, and he actually called me that the night before he died. I feel like he kind of knew. So I was able to talk to him one last time, which I’m truly grateful for.

But also because of COVID, we’re stuck at home. My kids are in college. I’m working from home and so since we’re all stuck at home, we decided to head out to Austin in October where we could work and school from my dad and stepmom’s house. And we were able to spend some time with my stepmom and just kind of all go through the grieving process together.

Oooph. It’s been a rough year. Like many people, I’m really ready for 2020 to be over. Thank you for letting me share my story.

[MUSIC]

Nancy 25:41

So now, I guess it’s time for my own grief and gratitude.

This is pretty raw and I’m in the very earliest stages of processing it. But my wonderful, loving mom Laura passed away one week ago. She was at home in upstate New York with my sister and surrounded in so much love and she passed peacefully. My siblings cared for her in her final weeks and days in amazing ways, but I couldn’t be there due to COVID travel restrictions. It all went so quickly at the end that I couldn’t have gotten out of quarantine in time to be helpful so I opted to stay here in California. And I had to watch my mom be buried over a webcam broadcast for the same reason.

So even though Mom didn’t die of COVID, COVID made everything so much worse, and the pain of my sorrow over my mom feels pretty overwhelming right now.

But of course, there’s compensatory gratitude. And the first is that it was due to COVID concerns that my sister pulled my mom out of her assisted living place to live with her last March and gave my mom the most beautiful final months of her life. And it was also due to COVID that when I went to visit them in August, I stayed for three whole weeks. We all knew that something like this could happen and we figured we shouldn’t skimp on time. I haven’t had that much uninterrupted time with my mom since before I went to grad school in my 20s and it was wonderful. We drove around the Finger Lakes region for hours. We had ice cream, we watched Andy Griffith and M*A*S*H and, you know we sang John Denver songs. That time together with my mom was a gift.

But the biggest piece of gratitude of all is the luck that landed me as her third kid. I thought the best way I could share that gratitude with you was simply to read you the gratitude letter I wrote her four years ago that became the basis for my Thank-You Project and eventually, the basis for The Thank-You Project book. I didn’t include this letter in the book because at the time I was writing it, I was thinking so much about my dad who had recently died. But you can bet, in fact, this was the very first letter I wrote and I can’t think of a better way to share my wonderful mom Laura with you than this.

January 7, 2016

Dear Mom,

As you probably know better than anyone since you were there, 2016 is the year I turn 50. I have had such a lucky, blessed life that I decided the best way to commemorate this milestone year is to write thank you notes to the people who have enriched my life along the way, and this week it’s your turn. The minute I thought of this project, in fact, I knew you would be the first person I’d write to.

Thank you, Mom. Thank you for being such a warm, affectionate, supportive, funny mother, someone who pulled off the deceptively simple trick of creating a home that served as both a sanctuary and a launch pad for Sally, Larry, and me. I joke about it with my writer friends – “my damn parents were so nice, they didn’t give me any material to write a memoir about!” – but they know, I know, and you know that our family life was the best gift you could ever give me.

And also, I’m sorry, Mom. While I tend to romanticize the ease of our relationship (“I was the third kid who rode around on her hip all day! I was her little buddy!”) my guess is that I was actually as big a pain in your ass as the other two, if not bigger. I say this with confidence because I am a mother myself, and I now understand how much of ourselves we subjugate to our children’s needs, how sturdy we have to be in the face of their drama and emotion, how much we are treated as background noise when in fact, it’s us all along keeping the whole enterprise afloat. I think of an essay I read a couple of years ago about a woman who feels herself becoming invisible to her family, and realizing that she’s like air – who thinks about air? But then again, what would you do without it?

I’m saying now what I was too young and dumb to understand then: you are the root source of the happiness and stability of my life.

I have so many sharp memories of you that it would take a whole book to write them down: our “naps” together when I was a toddler, where I would carefully study your face to make sure you were asleep before climbing off the bed and exploring the otherwise-empty house, free at last, free at last, thank god almighty I was free at last! The school mornings when I sat on the cedar chest in your bedroom so you could do my hair, from a menu with two hairstyles: ponytail, or ponytail and a braid, and always finished off with a ribbon to match my outfit. Your visits to me wherever I was living, and your sense of enthusiasm about each new place. You leaving the delivery room when I got the epidural when I was in labor with Maddy, saying, “I can’t watch them do this to her.” The art projects you always had ready for the girls when they visited. I don’t know how to end this paragraph, because – lucky for me – the list of stories is infinite.

But there is one memory that I will never, ever cease to astound me about you: when I called you from Penn to tell you I got a job in Germany after college. You said, “That’s great! I’m going to call you back.” And you hung up on me, something you’d never done before. Even at 22 I realized what you were doing: gathering yourself so you could really rejoice at my news. A few minutes later you called me back and did just that. Here I am at 50, already a little freaked out about Maddy moving to the East Coast for college, and I. Do. Not. Know. How. You. Handled. That. So. Gracefully.

You have always taught me so much – from the flash cards that made me an early reader, to that moment when I called you about Germany, to last week when you and Dad took Noonie to the doctor and showed me, once again, what familial love and devotion should look like.

I love you, Mom. I’m just so incredibly lucky to be your daughter.

Okay, everyone. That’s today’s show and that’s this year’s season and that’s me signing off for a little while, or at least I’ll be doing that after tonight’s Twitch dance party. Now you know why I’m going to rely on you to make the song requests to Damon and why I’m really glad it’s a virtual not in person event. Music heals and I’m counting on it tonight.

As for the show, I’ll be back when I can think straight again. In the meantime, I’m going to try to show myself some compassion and I really hope you’ll all do the same for yourselves after this hard year.

Keep looking for good things to be grateful for, keep telling the people you love that you’re thankful they are in your lives and we’ll get through.

Wishing you and all the people you love brighter days ahead.

[THEME MUSIC – “Be Free” by M. The Heir Apparent]

The post Ep 89 Listeners’ 2020 Grief and Gratitude appeared first on Midlife Mixtape .