Love and Abuse
130 episodes - English - Latest episode: about 1 month ago - ★★★★★ - 762 ratingsHelping you identify toxic communication, emotional abuse, manipulation, and other forms of bad behavior in relationships. Love and Abuse gives you the perspective of both the victim and the perpetrator. Full of tips and advice for your friendships, family, love life, and marriage.
You'll learn about covert abusive communication that takes away your power. And you'll discover how to pinpoint the specific toxic behaviors, such as narcissistic abuse and verbal abuse, before you are dragged into a game so deep you come out a shell of your former self.
Love and Abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook, an assessment and healing guide to help you evaluate the emotionally abusive and manipulative patterns in your relationship. Get the guide that will tell you exactly what's happening in your relationship over at loveandabuse.com.
Transcripts available upon request: https://loveandabuse.com/contact/
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Episodes
Some people would rather hurt you than be vulnerable with you
June 29, 2021 21:12 - 24 minutes - 22.8 MBSome people become highly defensive or offensive when they want to hide something from you, or lie to you, or don't want to be vulnerable with you, because it's too scary for them. No matter the reason, their behavior has a purpose and it's usually to divert your attention so that they don't have to reveal something that might make them feel out of control.
Knowing the difference between emotional abuse and normal relationship difficulties
June 17, 2021 17:41 - 40 minutes - 37.4 MBThe two sides of emotional abuse are the perpetrator and the victim. Sometimes the victim can't tell if there's abusive behavior or just normal relationship difficulties. Sometimes the hurtful person needs to know what they're doing that's hurtful because they could have been doing it for so long, they don't realize how bad their behavior is. This is a packed episode that goes over the silent treatment, discerning between abuse and normal difficulties, and learning if there can be a rela...
How many times does someone have to hurt you before you decide enough is enough?
June 03, 2021 17:16 - 50 minutes - 46.1 MBThere's a point when there has been enough abusive behavior where you decide you're no longer going to stand for it and it's time to take the next right step for you. Don't accept bad behavior for so long that you convince yourself that it's never bad enough.
Letting hurtful words or threatening comments become the new normal
May 18, 2021 23:05 - 37 minutes - 34.7 MBWhen you're around those who constantly put you down with hurtful words or threats that they'll never talk to you again or leave you forever, it can become the new normal. Those who try to make you feel like something bad will happen if you don't change into what they want you to be are hoping you don't catch on to their deception to keep you in a fear-based state forever.
Six reasons you may feel guilty about leaving an emotionally abusive person
April 30, 2021 20:39 - 53 minutes - 49.7 MBIf you've considered leaving an emotionally abusive person and feel guilty having those thoughts, you need to make sure your guilt is justified and not implanted or based on a false premise. When guilt seeps in, it can stop you from making decisions that are right for you. Decisions based on guilt can sometimes backfire, and you may find yourself back in the same situation you were before. Try not to make relationship decisions based on guilt. When you do that, it can backfire on you, and ...
Don't let emotional abuse take your decisions away
April 15, 2021 01:43 - 41 minutes - 38.7 MBSometimes in an emotionally abusive relationship, you have a big decision to make. That decision may be to leave, or perhaps you want to stand up and honor yourself. There are a number of decisions to make when you're in any type of relationship. Some of them harder than others. In this episode, I help you visualize what that looks like and how to get there. For the healing and assessment guide for difficult relationships, check out The M.E.A.N. Workbook over at loveandabuse.com
What's acceptable behavior in the relationship?
April 02, 2021 22:09 - 31 minutes - 29.1 MBWhen a relationship is difficult, it's helpful to have an established baseline of acceptable behavior. If you don't know what is acceptable and what isn't, how can you possibly know if your relationship values are being violated?
Is it reactive abuse or a normal response to emotionally abusive behavior?
March 18, 2021 00:46 - 33 minutes - 30.9 MBAm I the abuser? It's a question I get a lot. In this episode, I want to make sure you're aware of reactive abuse and how you can be pushed to the limit and become what some may see as abusive. However, don't be fooled into thinking you are an abusive person if you were pushed to that limit by an abusive person. Everyone, even the most calm, passive people, has a limit. And almost everyone will break when pushed over the edge.
What is emotional abuse? How do I know when it's time to leave? And other important questions.
March 12, 2021 00:50 - 58 minutes - 54.2 MBSometimes it helps to know what to look for in your relationship and how a relationship is supposed to look when you just aren't happy or are dealing with a difficult partner. In this special episode, Grace with coachingbygrace.com interviews me on her podcast and asks several questions regarding emotional abuse, empowerment, and what a relationship is supposed to look like.
Can you be in a toxic relationship for so long there's no turning back?
February 17, 2021 14:56 - 26 minutes - 24.7 MBMonths can seem like an eternity when you're in a toxic relationship, but what about years? Can you not only survive a relationship like that, but also thrive if you choose to leave it? Is it ever too late to leave an emotionally abusive situation?
Do they benefit from your response to their hurtful behavior?
February 03, 2021 22:05 - 39 minutes - 36.6 MBSome hurtful behavior can have a secondary benefit to the person hurting you. Some behaviors can cause you to react in such a way that brings the hurtful person benefit. Because of that, they know how to get their needs simply by acting badly. If you want to know why you can never please someone, this episode might help you answer that question.
The slow disintegration of the deepest part of who you are
January 10, 2021 03:31 - 27 minutes - 26.4 MBEmotional abuse has an insidious way of disintegrating the very core of who you are. It's a process that can turn you into a shell of your former self. You can rebuild, but to do so sooner than later will decrease the time it takes to recover a toxic relationship. Even if you are left empty inside, the moment the toxicity is out of your system is the same moment the healing starts.
The guilt from believing you could have done more
December 30, 2020 21:52 - 40 minutes - 37.2 MBA mom wrote to me and said that she is blaming herself for not doing the right job parenting her abusive son. Guilt is plaguing her and she wants to move forward. In this episode, I share what guilt and forgiveness are really about. Guilt is supposed to be a short term punishment and a prompt to take action, not a life sentence. https://vurbl.com/station/5KiVSz6NCQM/
You have to protect the most important person in your world from hurtful behavior
December 10, 2020 21:00 - 24 minutes - 22.7 MBThe very core of who you are is what can get compromised when you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. That's why many victims of emotional abuse say that they became a shell of their former self when they were exposed to it for too long. In order to stay as whole as you can, you need to remember who the most important person in your world is and protect that person at all costs.
If you've tried everything to stop the hurtful behavior, what's next?
November 21, 2020 04:07 - 51 minutes - 47.3 MBYou've tried talking with them, expressing your hurt or unhappiness, but they still don't seem to want to change their behavior. If you've done what you can, what is the next step? Emotionally abusive behavior is not something you should live with, but many do. It might be time to consider all your options.
Sometimes things need to be perfectly lined up to make the big decisions about the relationship
November 04, 2020 21:59 - 51 minutes - 47.8 MBThere's a point of either intoleration or breakdown that you sometimes have to reach in order to finally make a decision that you need to make about a toxic relationship. When that moment comes, it can be scary. There can be a lot on the line. In this episode, I talk about what needs to happen in order for you to be in the right state of mind to make the big, scary decisions you might need to make for yourself.
Understanding the addict in the manipulative relationship
October 19, 2020 23:01 - 34 minutes - 31.9 MBDealing with a manipulative and controlling relationship is bad enough, but what happens when the person doing the bad behavior is also dealing with addiction? What if the addiction is the reason for the emotionally abusive behavior? It's important to understand your role in an addict's life. Addiction exacerbates bad behavior. Some addicts don't do bad behavior when they're not participating in their addiction. Some do. Where you are in all this is what makes the difference between feel...
Should you try harder to please the emotionally abusive person?
September 30, 2020 22:47 - 26 minutes - 24.2 MBOne of the constants I've seen over and over again in emotionally abusive relationships is when the victim tries harder to please an unpleasable person. No matter what they do or how hard they try, the hurtful and unkind person will remind them in many ways that it's still not enough. For more episodes visit https://loveandabuse.com
How the emotional abuser takes your empowerment tools away from you
September 10, 2020 00:15 - 16 minutes - 15.4 MBWhat is one of the most effective forms of emotional abuse? When the abusive person takes everything that empowers you away from you. All your tools and resources become their tools to use you and hurt you. When that happens, you feel like there's nothing left for you to do. This is an important episode. I hope you get a chance to tune in. For more episodes, visit https://loveandabuse.com/
Glossing over the first detail in an argument will make it fall apart fast
September 04, 2020 21:40 - 47 minutes - 44.1 MBThe first important point in a growing argument might be the most important one that gets glossed over. When that happens, the person trying to express what they're feeling or experiencing might feel invalidated. From that moment on, the point is lost and the conversation can spiral into anger and upset with no closure in sight. If that's happening to you, this episode may help you stop the glossing over so that you don't get left behind in what could turn into a productive conversation. ...
You deserve to be treated with nothing less than respect and kindness
August 28, 2020 00:54 - 24 minutes - 23.3 MBWhen you've been mistreated for so long, you may begin to feel less worthy of love and affection. You may start to believe that you don't deserve to be treated better than you are. You might actually start to believe that you deserve bad behavior. You deserve nothing less than love, kindness and respect. Visit https://loveandabuse.com/ for more episodes and The M.E.A.N. Workbook on manipulation and emotional abuse
Should you share content that talks about emotional abuse with emotionally abusive people?
August 16, 2020 17:44 - 28 minutes - 26.9 MBThere are times when you want to share what you learn on this show and others with an abusive person, but is it the right thing to do? This show articulates the behavior in a way that almost anyone can understand, but if the abusive person doesn't want to change or doesn't think they need to change, is sharing this show and other helpful material with them a good idea? I tackle that question today. Visit https://loveandabuse.com/ for more episodes and The M.E.A.N. Workbook on manipulation ...
What do you do when they're gaslighting you?
August 06, 2020 02:33 - 1 hour - 62.4 MBThose that do and say things to make you feel crazy want you to be in an eternal state of confusion. When you are confused, you are open to toxic injections of control and manipulation. A confused state causes you to be more suggestible. You want to get out of confusion as soon as possible so that they can't cause you harm. Crazymaking, or gaslighting, is one of the more insidious forms of emotional abuse. Visit https://loveandabuse.com/ for more episodes and The M.E.A.N. Workbook on manip...
How incompatibility can lead to hurtful and emotionally abusive behavior
July 18, 2020 23:48 - 30 minutes - 28.3 MBSimple incompatibilities are common in relationships, but what happens when they lead to emotionally abusive behavior? In this episode, I talk about the potential for hurtful and controlling behavior from someone who may not be able to accept your incompatibilities. They don't want you to be you, they want you to be an extension of them. Love and Abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook at https://loveandabuse.com
Breaking the patterns of bad behavior that diminish your worth and well-being
July 01, 2020 23:10 - 28 minutes - 26.7 MBEvery now and then someone you care about makes a mistake and says or does something to make you feel bad. These one-offs are forgivable. They could be having a bad day or perhaps they just had a lot of pent up energy they needed to release and you were just an unlucky target. But what about when bad behaviors are repeated over and over again? You could be looking at an emotionally abusive relationship and it might be time to take a stand for your own worth and well-being. Visit https://lo...
Not everyone is going to agree with the decisions you make for yourself
June 25, 2020 22:35 - 42 minutes - 39.3 MBWhat happens when you create a show about abusive behavior? You hear from people that aren't happy that they are being called out on that behavior. On today's episode, I read a letter from someone that thinks I'm dangerous and should find other things to do with my time. This is a special episode for both the abuser and the victim. For more episodes, visit https://loveandabuse.com
Toxic relationships can disintegrate your strength and confidence, but you can get it back
June 16, 2020 02:32 - 24 minutes - 23.6 MBWhen the toxic relationship has worn you down and taken away your ability to even think clearly, let alone chiseled away at any confidence and mental strength you had left, it's time to pivot your trajectory to rebuild yourself and make healthy decisions. Visit loveandabuse.com for more episodes
I want you to change: The toxic elements of the difficult relationship
June 04, 2020 18:50 - 39 minutes - 36.3 MBWe can spend so much time hoping the other person will change so that our life will be better, but we end up missing out on a lot of time that could be spent doing what we need to do for ourselves. In this episode, I talk about the elements that make up the emotionally abusive relationship and how knowing both sides, the victim and the abuser, can be helpful to determine the path you need to take for yourself. Visit https://loveandabuse.com/ for more episodes and The M.E.A.N. Workbook on ...
Emotional abuse drains you and makes you believe terrible things about yourself
May 22, 2020 20:08 - 31 minutes - 29.2 MBThere is a direct cause and effect when you are exposed to manipulative and controlling behavior. It can take a physical toll on you and cause you to believe things about yourself that simply aren't true. In this episode, I read a message from someone who got out of a twenty-year emotionally abusive marriage to discover his health and well-being suddenly increase. Visit https://loveandabuse.com/ for more episodes and The M.E.A.N. Workbook on manipulation and emotional abuse
You don't have to forgive the person that hurt you
May 07, 2020 22:33 - 22 minutes - 20.5 MBIf someone hurt you, abused you, or wronged you in some way and you're still holding on to upset or anger toward them, how can you let it go and heal? There are some people in the world that we don't want to forgive, but we also don't want to hold on to anger or pain because of what they did. That is the topic of today's episode. Visit https://loveandabuse.com/ for more episodes and The M.E.A.N. Workbook on manipulation and emotional abuse
Both sides of emotional abuse: The offensive abuser and the defensive abuser
April 15, 2020 01:33 - 44 minutes - 41.9 MBSometimes emotional abuse in adult relationships is the result of childhood trauma, neglect or abuse. Sometimes it's the result of the other person being abusive toward you so in order to get your needs met, you might have to become controlling and manipulative yourself. No matter how it happens, this episodes is about how to learn about and stop the behavior. Love and Abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook on manipulation and emotional abuse at loveandabuse.com.
When boundaries don't work and how to pick the right therapist
April 03, 2020 01:26 - 54 minutes - 51.3 MBDo boundaries work with emotional abusers? I received this question from someone who has tried almost everything to work with her emotionally abusive partner but is running out of options. In this episodes, I analyze the behavior she points out in the email she sent me, and also discuss why therapy sometimes doesn't work with manipulative people (and how to do therapy that does work). Love and abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook at loveandabuse.com
Connecting all the dots of emotionally abusive and manipulative behavior
March 24, 2020 22:21 - 53 minutes - 50.4 MBSometimes you just can't figure out if perhaps what you're experiencing is abusive or manipulative behavior. You may even think perhaps you're overreacting or seeing things wrong. In this episode, I analyze an email I received and pick out the specific behaviors that I would call emotional abuse. Love and abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook at loveandabuse.com
The Turn-Around game: How emotionally abusive people keep you busy explaining and defending yourself
February 29, 2020 19:12 - 42 minutes - 39 MBWhy does it always seem like you have to constantly explain or defend yourself with certain people? Are you just not coming through clearly? Do they have trouble understanding? Or is there really something a deceptive going on to keep you under control? Learn the Turn-Around game and how it keeps you from ever gaining ground with controlling and manipulative people.
When the emotional abuse stops, can the relationship continue?
February 12, 2020 02:25 - 34 minutes - 33.1 MBWhen the trust breaks and there is no love left in the relationship, but the emotional abuse stops, is there a chance for it to heal and can the trust be re-earned? I read an email from someone who has healed from being the abusive one and wants my thoughts if the marriage will survive or if it's too late. Love and abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook at loveandabuse.com
When you are triggered by your Facebook friends: Staying out of abusive interactions on social media
February 06, 2020 23:25 - 18 minutes - 18.4 MBIf you've never gotten triggered by someone's post on social media, you may be one of the lucky few. It's those times you can't help but give your opinion to someone you know is wrong or completely ignorant. What can happen nowadays, especially in a heated political climate, is friends are lost, hearts are broken, and stress and upset reign supreme. In this episode, I compare the Facebook conversation to an abusive relationship and highlight how you are actually inserting yourself into a...
Yes, the emotional abuser can change, but...
January 30, 2020 21:39 - 25 minutes - 24.9 MBWhy don't hurtful people stop hurting? Can the emotional abuser or controlling / manipulative person change? Can your relationship with them be saved? It's an important question I get all too often. Love and Abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook on manipulation and emotional abuse.
Understanding the thought process behind manipulative behavior
January 14, 2020 03:58 - 23 minutes - 22.4 MBManipulation originates with the desire to have something and doing anything you can to get it. I explore that topic in today's episode. Love and Abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook on emotional abuse at loveandabuse.com
Dealing with adversity and toxic behavior in all your relationships
December 31, 2019 01:43 - 39 minutes - 37.5 MBThere's something that family, coworkers, friends, and even romantic partners can all have a common: They can sometimes be difficult to talk to. Some have opposing beliefs and values. Others simply want to control you and be right no matter what. Whatever the case is for you, this episode talks about some ins and outs of dealing with challenging people.
Emotionally abusive behavior breaks apart what could be a good relationship
December 12, 2019 00:00 - 55 minutes - 51.6 MBEmotional abuse and controlling, manipulative behavior have no place in a relationship. Whether it's romantic or with a family member or friend, the toxicity of hurtful behavior simply destroys what could be good relationships. There's much insecurity in the emotional abuser, and in this episode I talk about that a lot of other components of emotional abuse. Love and abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook at loveandabuse.com
You will never, ever be good enough for a manipulative and controlling person
November 27, 2019 02:41 - 36 minutes - 34.9 MBShould you love more, do more, be more for another person that never seems to be happy? One method of control is to make sure you're always trying harder to please but never pleasing. When someone keeps you in that state of mind, you start to lose your mind and your power. Love and abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook at loveandabuse.com
Kind words carefully crafted to plant the seed of guilt and shame
November 21, 2019 02:46 - 31 minutes - 30.1 MBSome people have a clever way of making you feel bad about yourself by complimenting you and using positive, supportive words that make it seem like they really care. However, the dark underbelly of their comments may contain the seed of guilt and shame. If you want to know more about this unique phenomenon, listen to this episode. Love and abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook at loveandabuse.com
Why you get conned into the psychologically abusive relationship
November 16, 2019 02:20 - 27 minutes - 26.1 MBIf you've ever wondered why you felt a connection with someone that turned out to be controlling and manipulative, you were probably manipulated from day one. And it's possible that person didn't even know they were doing it. In this special episode, I talk about how Robert Cialdini's six principles of influence can apply to the emotionally abusive relationship. Love and abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook at loveandabuse.com
How to stop being hurtful and controlling with the people you love
November 05, 2019 03:04 - 38 minutes - 36.5 MBWhen you hurt someone you love, you let them know that they are not that important in your life. If you believe you are the emotionally abusive one and you want to heal and evolve from that behavior, this episode is a good start. In a relationship, control is the opposite of love. The more you control, the more love you lose. Love and abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook at loveandabuse.com
An analysis of emotional abuse: Breaking down the bad behavior
October 25, 2019 01:25 - 40 minutes - 38.6 MBWhen someone shows you every single red flag you need to determine there is lying, control, and manipulation going on, at what point do you tell yourself you're not going to take it anymore? In today's episode, I read an email from someone who went through an emotionally abusive relationship. As I read it, I break down each and every bad behavior so that you know how to identify it in your life. Love and abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook at loveandabuse.com
Is your response to their bad behavior emotional abuse?
October 15, 2019 23:23 - 27 minutes - 26.6 MBAfter months or years of being emotionally abused, you may find yourself doing behavior that resembles the same type of behavior you're a victim to. If that's the case, you can end up thinking you are also abusive, and may start believing that you perhaps you are just as bad as them, or worse. Love and abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook at loveandabuse.com
When someone tarnishes your good name and reputation - The Smear Campaign
October 09, 2019 00:56 - 45 minutes - 43 MBThe smear campaign is a card often played by narcissists, sociopaths, and other emotional abusers to make you look like the bad guy. If you're hurt and miserable, they are happy. When you're defensive and upset, they use that against you by telling everyone just how irrational you are. Handle this the wrong way, and you'll walk away defeated and unsupported by almost everyone that believes the lies. That's why it's important to learn the right way to handle this very abusive behavior. ...
If you leave me, I'll kill myself - The ultimate abuse of your empathy and compassion
September 25, 2019 22:17 - 37 minutes - 35.5 MBA suicide threat is the ultimate way to control an empathetic, caring person. When you're in a relationship with someone that threatens to kill themselves if you leave, you need to follow very specific steps so that 1. You aren't stuck in that relationship forever, and 2. If they're truly serious about taking their own life, you figure out a way to help them not follow through with it.
Being Loved Shouldn't Hurt - Coach and survivor Stephanie McPhail tells you how to take care of yourself in and out of the abusive relationship
September 17, 2019 00:25 - 1 hour - 57.1 MBStrangled on her wedding night, Stephanie McPhail endured years of a physically and emotionally abusive marraige. After getting the courage to stand up for herself, leave the relationship, and go on a healing journey that would change her life and help her meet the man of her dreams, she shared her story and what you can do to reach levels of fulfillment that perhaps you didn't think were possible. Love and Abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook on emotional abuse over at l...
When you love the emotional abuser so much you won't leave
September 04, 2019 22:57 - 35 minutes - 33.6 MBWhen you are in love with the person mistreating you, is there a way to improve the relationship? Can you make them understand how much they're hurting you? And if you did, would it change the situation? In this episode, I read an email from someone whose emotional abuse turned into physical abuse, but she doesn't want to leave him because she loves him so much. Love and Abuse is the official podcast of The M.E.A.N. Workbook on manipulation and emotional abuse at loveandabuse.com. #lovea...