Episode 82: Toxic Positivity: "Good Vibes Only” Isn’t Good

"Good vibes only!" 
"Keep a positive mindset."
"Try to focus on the good."

These can all be examples of a cultural phenomenon known as toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is the belief that we will feel better if we only allow space for good things and block out the bad. Sadly, this concept is extremely harmful. Tune in to learn about how toxic positivity shows up in our lives, why it is so harmful, and what we can do about it. 

 

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Transcript

Alyssa Scolari [00:23]:

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of the Light After Trauma podcast. I am your host, Alyssa Scolari. Happy to be here as always. And today is, well, technically, if you're listening to this episode on the date that it airs, it is February 15th. But as I'm recording this, today's actually Sunday, February 13th, and this weekend has been weird. I live in Pennsylvania, so I don't know anybody who's on the East Coast area and the Northeast part of the United States or anywhere else in the world. I don't know if you've had similar weather, but this weekend has been kind of strange, like polar opposites. Yesterday is Saturday, it was, I think, over 60 degrees in this area, and it felt like spring.

Alyssa Scolari [01:15]:

My husband and I woke up and my husband was all pumped up and energetic. And he was like, "Oh, let's go to Lowe's and get some stuff to plant grass in March and," I don't know, "fertilizer." And I think there's stuff you have to put down before you plant grass. I don't know. This is not a podcast on planting grass, but it was like, "Let's go to Lowe's and let's get out." It was gorgeous, and so we went out and we did not go to Lowe's because we drove by the Garden Center and it was absolutely empty. We were like, "Ah, it might be a little too soon to start thinking about planting stuff outside for the spring." But we actually went to this what we thought was just a coffee roastery, coffee roast. I don't know. They make coffee for you to... not like a coffee shop, but coffee for you to grab and take home and have regularly with your Keurig or whatever it may be.

Alyssa Scolari [02:20]:

So we went there to try to go see what kind of coffee they have, and I am telling you, it was something out of Harry Potter. For all my Harry Potter fans out there, it was this little tiny shack on the outside, and when we walked in, it was massive, and it was nothing we would've expected. It had mazes and twists and turns, and it actually had... the halls were so narrow because it had so much stuff that you at one point had to even turn to your side and walk sideways just to move down the hallway and make sure that you didn't knock anything over. And of course, with my hips, I was hitting shit and whatever, but it was so much fun. And it didn't just have coffee, they had everything, they had every kind of tea you can imagine.

Alyssa Scolari [03:19]:

They had, I think, fancy gourmet, nuts, or chocolate covered nuts, or things that, every kind of gourmet chocolate you can imagine. They had chocolate-covered graham crackers, chocolate-covered Oreos, chocolate-covered marshmallows. And they had all different kinds of spices and PEZ dispensers. Does anybody remember PEZ dispensers? So much fun. They had Lion King PEZ dispensers and all different types. But it really was a blast from the past. There was candy there that I had not seen in, honestly, probably 20 years. It was so much fun. It was nothing like we expected. We totally got lost in there. We did end up getting some coffee and some candy. Anybody of you remember those, and I think they're actually still pretty popular, the Peach Rings, the gummis? We got the rings but watermelon-flavored, which I had actually never had before.

Alyssa Scolari [04:25]:

They're amazing. Amazing. We did that yesterday, and then we had a good day. I think we were both really looking forward to springtime and the warm weather. And then I woke up today and it was snowing, which is fine for me. I love the snow. I'm actually staring out the window as we speak watching the snow fall, and it is absolutely magical, but it's just polar opposites. Spring is around the corner, but mother nature is here to remind me and you that it is still winter, at least, in this part of the world. It's been a pretty good weekend. I'm still just over two weeks post-operation. I'm still recovering. I think there's been a lot of emotional things that are coming up for me. On Friday, I had my post-op appointment, so it was my first appointment with the surgeon since the surgery. She checked out my incisions, and she said that they look good.

Alyssa Scolari [05:32]:

And then we talked about some other stuff. Again, I'm still going to do an episode about what happened in the surgery and how I'm doing in plans afterwards, but I'm just giving myself some more time to heal. Still in some pain. It's just been very, very emotional. I knew that having surgery on my lower abdomen was going to be emotional. I knew that going into it, but I don't think I knew just how emotional. As somebody who has had repressed trauma, I've been dealing with a lot of memories that have been coming to the surface, things that I had never remembered before. And, it has felt, I think, very overwhelming and very frustrating because I had the surgery and I want to be so happy and I want to move on with my life, but my brain is kind of like, "Oh, hey, I think that it's time to remember this about your past and this about your past," and it's been quite the roller coaster.

Alyssa Scolari [06:38]:

So, I'm still giving myself a little bit of time. I'm thinking maybe next week I'll be able to do a part two to the endometriosis, like the first episode that I did, where I kind of talked more in-depth about what I'm going through. But, today, I want to talk about toxic positivity, which is always I think a really interesting topic. It's something that I think gets a fair amount of attention. Now, I do want to preface this conversation with saying this, and really all podcast episodes can assume to be prefaced with this. I have seen, over the last several weeks, on social media platforms, especially TikTok, I actually yesterday deleted TikTok from my phone. I didn't delete my TikTok account, but I deleted it from my phone because I need a break from TikTok. It is really wearing on my mental health.

Alyssa Scolari [07:42]:

And, even though I don't go on the For You page... If you're on TikTok, there's two options, right? You can go on the For You page where you can see new creators and lots of people that you don't follow but potentially could follow, and then there's the following page where you're just looking at the people that you follow. I am never on the For You page because I never want to risk something triggering come up because I just don't need that, right? I don't need TikTok to tell me what it thinks is best for me, so I'm never on the For You page. I'm always on the Following page, and the people I follow are typically pretty, pretty safe. But, honestly, it's still been way too much for me lately, so I deleted it off my phone yesterday.

Alyssa Scolari [08:32]:

One of the things that has really been bothering me, again, whether it's TikTok or Instagram, or even Facebook, is the amount of misinformation that gets spread about mental health. I mean, there's so much misinformation that gets spread about everything, but obviously me being in this field, the mental health information really bothers me the most because our profession already isn't taken seriously. As therapists, we are not taken nearly as seriously as other healthcare providers. We are rarely even considered healthcare providers, and we don't make as much as other healthcare providers. Whatever. I could go on and on. But, with the increased usage in social media, especially since the pandemic and since we were all in quarantine, there are so many people out there who are calling themselves coaches.

Alyssa Scolari [09:34]:

Again, it's nothing I against coaches. I've had plenty of coaches on my show, and it's been absolutely fine. But, so many people are just calling themselves coaches, and really they're not, or they are coaches, but they still don't have the proper training in mental health. And, because of that, they do a lot of people a disservice because what they are sharing with people, they are getting incorrect, or they're only sharing part of the truth, or they're not considering all aspects to a concept that they're sharing, and it can be really, really damaging. I think that people have really turned to the internet for self-help and for support, especially when it comes to mental health, and people are not getting a lot of the correct information. Now, please don't get me wrong. There are tons of creators out there who share incredible information, and it's extremely useful.

Alyssa Scolari [10:41]:

If you are following those people, please continue to do so, but I just encourage you to really look at who you are following and who you are absorbing content from and if they have the qualifications that they should have to be able to talk about what they're talking about. Just do a little research because I have found, especially even some of my clients, some of my new clients that have come in, they're like, "Well, for the last several years, I've been following so and so on TikTok, and they say this." And it's like, "Okay. Well, what degree does so and so have to be able to share this information?" Again, I'm not putting myself or anyone else who has a degree on a pedestal. Honestly, I think that some people who don't have the highest qualifications can be better than people who do have the highest qualifications.

Alyssa Scolari [11:39]:

But, what's important is that you are knowing where this person is getting their information from, right? Are they pulling it out of their ass? Are they qualified? Okay. So they say that they're a life coach. Well, that's great. But, what does that actually mean? What kind of training have they had? I think it's really important to pay attention to that. Again, I am not bashing life coaches. I think there are great ones. For example, on TikTok, there's a woman, her name is called Anna Bobana, I believe. She has become a life coach, and she has so much experience, so much personal experience with mental health struggles and trauma and addiction and things like that, and she's phenomenal. So, please don't misunderstand this as me bashing life coaches because I am not. It's just that I want you to remember to always see, look into what you're seeing.

Alyssa Scolari [12:39]:

Don't take what you're seeing on the internet at face value, especially when it comes to mental health, because it could be doing more harm than good. With that being said, we'll transition into toxic positivity. Now, I have seen a lot of things on the internet about toxic positivity, and I've seen a lot of things that directly counteract toxic positivity or contradict toxic positivity. There's this huge movement, and has been for several year now, about being positive and good vibes only. How many content creators and how many organizations have created shirts, hats, water bottles, stickers, this, that, and a third that say good vibes only, good vibes only, good vibes only. And that's great, right? You'll write that on a shirt in happy font, in a happy color, with a little sun sticking out.

Alyssa Scolari [13:45]:

Sounds great, right? No. Actually, that's extremely damaging, especially given the world that we are living in right now. Let me take a step back. What is toxic positivity? Well, toxic positivity is sort of this push or this assumption and this belief that despite whatever you're going through, despite whatever pain or discomfort you might be in, you should always keep the bright side in mind. You should always keep trying to maintain a positive mindset despite what may be happening. There's this meme that always comes to mind when I think of toxic positivity, and I'm sure so many of you have seen it where it's like, I think it's a dog who's sitting at the kitchen table with the newspaper open, and all around the dog there's like flames, like the whole house is on fire. The dog is just sitting there like, "This is fine. This is fine. Everything's fine," and everything around him or her or them is on fire.

Alyssa Scolari [14:59]:

I just think that that is like a perfect example of toxic positivity, right? Things around us could be on fire. In fact, the world is on fire right now and really has been for over two years. More than ever, especially in the pandemic, I have seen so many people pushing this idea of toxic positivity. "Keep a positive mindset. You have to stay positive. You have to stay strong." Let's talk about some more specific real-world examples of this. Again, let's go back to social media. One thing that I often see pop up, especially on TikTok, are these creators, whether they are makeup artists or just general content creators or stylist creators, they almost always have started either a series of videos on how to self-care, or how to achieve happiness, or how to get through something difficult, X, Y, Z, whatever it may be.

Alyssa Scolari [16:20]:

Well, I often see these people say things like, "You just have to have a positive outlook and be hopeful for what's going to come in your future," or, "You just have to change your way of thinking and believe that you are worthy of the best in life. You just have to focus on what you have instead of perseverating or ruminating on what you don't have," and that is really easy to say coming from somebody who makes hundreds of thousands of dollars or millions of dollars on a social media app. Not that their job isn't difficult because I believe at their job is actually one of the most difficult things. I think that they face more pressure having social media as their job than probably most other people, and I really believe it's one of the hardest jobs, so I am not by any means belittling or diminishing the work that they do.

Alyssa Scolari [17:34]:

But, so often, I just see them saying things like, "I make a gratitude list," and, "I focus on what I have," and, "I'm very thankful for this," and, "I'm very thankful for that," and, "That is how I pull myself out of a funk." That is so great, and I am so glad that that works, but I honestly think that so much of it is them omitting the truth. Yes, gratitude lists are phenomenal. They are great. They can really help shift your mindset. But, not many people on social media say, "I let myself sob it out. I let myself have days where I'm depressed. I acknowledge how painful this is. I acknowledge that I didn't want to get up and brush my teeth or shower today. I laid in bed for three days before I have the ability to get up and make a gratitude list."

Alyssa Scolari [18:32]:

The dark side of what happens before the positive vibes come get omitted because that's not cute to talk about. Positive vibes are what's cute. Good vibes only are what's cute and trendy. It's not trendy to say, "I really struggle to brush my teeth and eat meals today." Don't get me wrong. Again, there are some creators out there who do a really good job at this, but for the most part, the people that tend to really thrive on social media are the ones who push this positive vibes only movement. I don't hate those people. I just think that they are sort of a reflection of this larger push in society to ignore the bad and ignore the pain and focus only on the good. Now, we've also seen this a lot with this pandemic, right? People have died, people have lost their jobs, people have had loved ones that they have not been able to see in years, so much time has been lost, millions of people have been lost, people had to say goodbye to their loved ones through FaceTime, and this pandemic still isn't over.

Alyssa Scolari [19:48]:

But, what we see is people saying things like, "Oh, I'm really sorry you lost your job, but at least nobody in your family died from COVID. At least you have your health, right? I'm really, really sorry that you've been out of work for so long, but, hey, at least you've been able to spend more time at home," Or, "I'm so sorry that..." Or, a lot of times people don't even say, "I'm so sorry," right? It's like a mom who has three kids and had to work full time, now all of a sudden has three kids at home and has to do virtual schooling with them. "Oh, well, at least you get to spend time with your kids that... Yeah, virtual schooling must be hard, but at least they're home, at least you get to spend time with them, right?" It's that like, "At least this," or, "At least that," and it's so incredibly invalidating.

Alyssa Scolari [20:49]:

We often see this a lot too with parents. Even before the pandemic, toxic positivity has been a thing for ages, right? We haven't necessarily had a name for it, but it's been a thing for ages, and we see it as even when growing up. "Oh, I'll give you something to cry about. You don't have anything you need to cry about." Oh, I got told all the time, "There's no reason for you to be crying right now. There's absolutely no reason. You should be so grateful. Look at the life that you have. Look at all the great things that you have," and this is toxic positivity, right? "Stop crying. Stop focusing on what's bad. You are being selfish." And some people are even told that they're being selfish, "People have it so much worse than you do, so much worse than you do."

Alyssa Scolari [21:36]:

Now, again, I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, but I want to be really, really sensitive about this because I know that a lot of folks who are listening to me are parents themselves. And, as parents, it's likely, it's highly likely that you found yourself saying this to your children at one point, possibly. I don't really know. And if you did, please don't beat yourself up. Please don't because toxic positivity has really been a part of parenting styles for ages. Ages, right? It's how I grew up. It's how so many people who are my age grew up. All the people who come into my office, I mean 98% of them, that's how they grew up.

Alyssa Scolari [22:22]:

They would get upset about something and their parent or guardian would be like, "You have absolutely nothing to cry about. Look at all these other things. Look at all these other things you should be happy about?" Especially when it comes to relationships, like teenagers and relationships, if there's a breakup or something like that, or you get into a fight. You're a teenager and you get into a fight with your boyfriend, girlfriend, and all of a sudden you're sobbing and you're upset because when you're a teenager, when things happen it is truly the end of the world, right? That's just how our brains are wired when we're teenagers. That's just the way that it is. And so many parents often say to teenagers, "Oh, my God, you're going to have so many more relationships. You are going to find the right person." And that's great. Those are really, really kind words to say, right?

Alyssa Scolari [23:15]:

Toxic positivity, it's not all toxic. It becomes toxic, and I think this is important, toxic positivity becomes toxic when we do not validate the emotions first. When somebody comes to you in a dysregulated state, meaning they are upset, they are sad, they are depressed, they are anxious, jumping right into, "Oh, but look at all the opportunities you have, and look at all the great things that happened to you," is not helpful because you are invalidating their emotional state. You are basically sending the message that it's like, "Please don't feel the way you feel. You don't deserve to feel the way you feel," because of all of these good things that have happened, and that is invalidating.

Alyssa Scolari [24:14]:

And that kind of chronic... especially if you're a child and you've grown up that, that constant invalidation, depending on the severity and how long it has lasted for, can also lead to PTSD. It leads to anxiety, it leads to depression, but then we also internalize toxic positivity. Because when we get upset about things, that voice that other people have said to us about, "Why can't you just be happy? Why can't you just be grateful?" we start to say that to ourselves. I even struggled with this post-surgery because I was feeling so many emotions, and I have been crying, and then I've been happy, and then I've been relieved, and then I've been frightened again, and I've been anxious, and this, that, and a third. And I often find myself in this narrative of like, "Alyssa, why can't you just be happy? You wanted this surgery, you got the surgery. The endometriosis has been taken out of your body. Just be grateful." And that is toxic positivity, right?

Alyssa Scolari [25:26]:

It can be a form of gaslighting, right? I'm essentially gaslighting myself. So, it can be very dangerous. It can have long-term effects. Again, this is when it's kind of chronic and done over a long period of time and typically by an adult or caregiver. It can certainly lead to trauma and PTSD, right? Sometimes trauma is about what we didn't get. It's not necessarily about something happening to us. Sometimes trauma can look like an absence of things, an absence of validation of our emotions. And when we have this consistent invalidation of our emotions, I mean, first of all, it only makes us perseverate on the problem more, right?

Alyssa Scolari [26:12]:

When we sit with somebody through the pain and we validate their pain and what they feel, they are more likely to move through those emotions and get back to a state of regulation. Like their nervous system being regulated much more quickly than when we try to use toxic positivity and you're going just say, "Well, you have to look on the bright side," right? And this also, when it comes to grief, is a huge thing. I find it a lot with grief or with sexual abuse, even specifically childhood sexual abuse. And people will say things, I guess we'll take grief for an example, like a parent who's lost a child, "Well, at least you have those few years with your kid," right? That is a terrible thing to say. And, again, if you've said this, I'm not judging you, I don't think you're a bad person, this is merely a learning opportunity, but it is a bad thing to say because it is so invalidating to their pain. So invalidating.

Alyssa Scolari [27:26]:

No judgment here. No judgment, no shame. We are learning, right? At one point in my life, I thought that that was the right thing to say. I did not know any better, so I am certainly not above anyone else. I have had my fair share of using toxic positivity and not even knowing I was doing it because it is so deeply ingrained in our society. I think it's worth noting that part of why it's so deeply ingrained in our society is because it gives us an out to have to process the negative feelings, especially when it comes to things like more stigmatized tragedies or issues like sexual abuse or suicide or the death of a child. These are much more stigmatized topics because the emotions that come with them can be so unbearable for people that people often will say these things to give themselves more of a sense of control. Because, truly, there are absolutely no words in the whole wide world that can accurately express sorrow or grief for somebody who has lost a child or been sexually abused or had childhood sexual abuse. There aren't words.

Alyssa Scolari [29:03]:

And when people acknowledge the pain that comes with those traumas, then they also have to acknowledge that this kind of stuff happens. And that acknowledgement in itself makes us as a society anxious because we are admitting that there are real monsters in this world, and that this world is full of so much pain, and that we don't have nearly as much control over the bad things that happen as we think we do. I hope that that makes sense. It's like people are really quick to jump into toxic positivity as almost as a defense mechanism. Because if I were to sit with you and acknowledge the pain that you feel over the loss of your child, then I would have to feel pain too, and I would have to acknowledge that this world can be a ice cold place, and that's too painful for me to do.

Alyssa Scolari [30:02]:

Again, it's not an excuse, right? It's something that we as a society have to work on, absolutely. And speaking of working on it, we all can work on it, right? I've had to work on it. Members and my family have worked on it. I've had clients who have to work on it. If you are somebody who gets a lot of toxic positivity from loved ones in your life, if you have this person in your life who you try to go to for a problem, and every time you go to them for a problem, they're like, "We have to just look on the bright side. You have to stop being so negative all the time. All right. Yeah, you lost your job. At least you have your health. At least you're married. At least this..." Whatever it may be, it can be really helpful to have a conversation with that person.

Alyssa Scolari [30:57]:

Not necessarily in the moment because I find that when people say things like that to me when I'm upset or in a dysregulated state, I tend to get very angry, and whatever's going to come out of my mouth from that moment would not be productive in the slightest. But what I find to be really helpful is trying to get your own nervous system regulated first. If that person's not able to give you what they need and they throw some kind of toxic positivity crap your way, be done, end that conversation and go to someone else or something else that can help you regulate your nervous system and feel better. Take some time. Whether that's hours, days, or months, you need to take some time. But then what I recommend is coming back to that person and saying... And sometimes it can be really hard to speak directly or face to face. So, if you want to write a letter or write down what you want to say beforehand, I've always found those things to be really helpful as well.

Alyssa Scolari [32:06]:

But go back to this person and say, "Can you understand how in this moment when I was upset and you told me to at least be thankful that I have my health, can you understand how that felt a little bit invalidating for me?" And, if they don't understand, then it's like, "Okay, but this is me telling you that that was really invalidating. And here's what I am looking for in the future from you. What I am looking for is for you to acknowledge the pain that I'm in. I don't necessarily need you to fix it. I don't need you to remind me of the good things in my life that I have. I already know of the good things in my life that I have. That being said, what's really important to me when I come to you when I'm upset is that you validate what I am feeling and just sit with me in those bad feelings."

Alyssa Scolari [33:10]:

Listen, sometimes you might have to ask this of somebody and they might not be able to give it. Some people are so uncomfortable with negative feelings that they just can't give you what you need, and that's going to be a really difficult thing to process, but we don't know what our loved ones are capable of if we don't ask them. So, if this is somebody in your life that you want to continue a relationship with, I recommend you talking to them and maybe putting it just as I had phrased it. You're not accusing them of anything. You're not coming at them. You're not going for the jugular. You're just simply saying, "This is how it felt," and then you're also letting them know what you expect. I think that that last thing is key, letting them know what you expect in the future. Because for so many people, this toxic positivity is so ingrained in them that they don't know how to empathize or sit with the bad feelings, so it is crucial to tell people what it is that you expect.

Alyssa Scolari [34:18]:

A lot of times, I think I know, especially for myself, I just want people to be mind readers. I don't feel I should have to tell somebody how to empathize, but the fact of the matter is we do, and it's not fair. It's not fair. So I do want to say that we all, honestly in school, should be taught empathy and mental health and interpersonal relationships and boundary setting should have always been a core part of the curriculum in school, a thousand percent, but that is a whole separate podcast episode. So, yes, unfortunately, we do have to tell people what it is that we are searching for. So, that is the best way to do it, tell people. The other thing is, be mindful of how you are feeling about the content that you are consuming, whether it's on podcasts, whether it is on social media, whether it's the radio, whether it's in a book you're reading.

Alyssa Scolari [35:28]:

If you are picking up on toxic positivity and you notice yourself starting to feel bad, "Oh, this person's always so happy all the time. Why can't I be happy like that person?" please take some time away. Because so many people market themselves on social media and podcasts, they market their highlight reels, the best part of their lives, they're not likely, many of them, not all, not likely to come onto the internet and talk about how they haven't showered in a week because the depression is so bad. So please try to keep that in mind. Notice how you are feeling. And if you need to take a break from following some people, just tap that unfollow button. It's not personal, right? It is not personal against them. This is about your own self-preservation. You come first. And if it doesn't feel good for you, then it isn't good for you. That doesn't mean it can't be good. Again, it can, you could find yourself in a better head space in six months from now and then go back and follow that person on social media and really enjoy all their good vibes posts.

Alyssa Scolari [36:49]:

But if it is too triggering or too upsetting for you, give yourself permission to tap that unfollow button, give yourself permission to talk to people and set those boundaries because this world loves toxic positivity, especially in this pandemic, right? "Oh, people don't have money. Oh, right. Inflation. Everything is so expensive. People don't have jobs. People are really suffering. People are still dying, but let's focus on the good," and it drives me bonkers. So, with that being said, I will close this out, hoping that this was helpful. As always, this is always a really interesting one to talk about. And I try to tread very lightly because I do want to be respectful of people, and I don't want to accuse anybody of making content or saying things with the intention of harming people with their toxic positivity. I really don't think that people are aware of it.

Alyssa Scolari [37:53]:

No blame here. No shame here. We're just talking about it. We're educating each other. We're growing, we're learning. We're making things happen. We're healing, baby. We're healing. That being said, I'm going to hop off. I'm going to go start cooking some amazing food. I'm going to sip some tea. I just bought this tea called blueberry crumb cake. Woo, it is chef's kiss. I'm going to sip some. I'm going to watch the snow. I'm going to be snuggling with my puppies and making the most out of this Sunday. I am holding you all in the light. I love you all so much.

Alyssa Scolari [38:31]:

If you have not left a review for the podcast yet, please do so. It would mean the whole world. If you are looking to support this podcast, that would be amazing as well, support the podcast financially. Anything you're able to give would be great. Please head on over to the show notes where there is a link to the Patreon where you can give as little or as much as you would to the podcast. It would be a huge help. Thank you very much. I love you all. If you can't give, that's fine too. I love you either way. Take great care, everybody. I'll be back again next week. Bye-bye.

Alyssa Scolari [39:11]:

Thanks for listening everyone. For more information, please head over to lightaftertrauma.com, or you can also follow us on social media. On Instagram, we are @lightaftertrauma, and on Twitter, it is @lightafterpod. Lastly, please head over to patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. To support our show, we are asking for $5 a month, which is the equivalent to a cup of coffee at Starbucks, so please head on over. Again, that's patreon.com/lightaftertrauma. Thank you, and we appreciate your support.