Hard Choices
44 episodes - English - Latest episode: 23 days ago - ★★★★★ - 18 ratingsFrom the creators of Smash Fiction, it's horniness meets science! We examine a fictional universe and rank the f*ckability of the characters to determine the true median on our collective boner scale. Who exactly is the middle of the pack in Lord of the Rings? Who is the middle ground of sexiness in the Marvel Cinematic Universe? Just where does the horniness middle fall in Game of Thrones? We bring together a diverse array of sexualities, rank the characters, crunch the numbers, and find out truly wild and surprising things about everyone's internal boner-meter along the way.
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Episodes
Hard Choices 34 - Our Flag Means Death
March 31, 2024 18:42 - 1 hour - 100 MBAvast, my hearties. It’s time to hoist the colors and set sail for an experience that Talk Like a Pirate day really didn’t prepare us for. This is Hard Choices, the podcast that ranks the fuckability of fictional characters looking for the zenith, median, and nadir in a given universe, but really, it’s about all the timbers we shivered along the way. This month, we’re plunging our swords into Our Flag Means Death! Join me, Captain MeganBob, and me hearties Aly Grauer, Mel D'Amato, and Jame...
Hard Choices 33 - Baldur's Gate
February 13, 2024 20:04 - 2 hours - 91.2 MBWe at Hard Choices like to think we have our fingers on the throbbing pulse of pop culture, so when Baldur's Gate 3 won just about every Game of the Year award purely out of how horny it made everyone, we knew we couldn't pass up the opportunity to explore the delicious nooks and sweaty crannies of the Sword Coast through the lens of this groundbreaking, bed-shaking trilogy. Join Dan, Maq, Miles, and Meganbob as we ask: which heroes and villains are we saving our highest-level spell slots fo...
Hard Choices 32 - BLEACH
January 23, 2024 20:07 - 2 hours - 96.6 MBNOTE: You want a calendar with shirtless Irish farmers on it? Naturally, you do. Throw $4.20 at Hard Choices and get entered to win one of these three perfect pieces of useful wall art. It was just another quiet day in the Soul Society until Hard Choices rolled up, ready to find out exactly how much reishi everyone has under those robes! Kurotsuchi probably already knows the answer to that question, but his methods for finding out just aren't personal enough for Neal Butler, Kit, MeganBob...
Hard Choices 31 - Parks and Recreation
December 30, 2023 04:22 - 2 hours - 145 MBBig government isn't sexy. But small government? Local government? That government where you can get right up close and see the process unfolding. That government where you can run into your city councilor at the gym? Or at the local liquor store? Or trying to bribe a raccoon for votes? That's the kinda government you can get down and dirty with. This month, Hard Choices visits the recent past with a trip to Pawnee, Indiana. Yes, the bright-eyed innocence and the can-do attitude that beli...
Hard Choices 30 - 80's Cartoon Icons [Live at Rose City Comic Con]
November 27, 2023 00:13 - 2 hours - 142 MBHard Choices swept through all of the 80's cartoons you know and love to select the cream of the crop (and Allo from Dinosaucers) to make sure that this episode is peak after peak. You can expect Big Feels aplenty from Hub, Annie Craton, Meganbob, and host, Kris Newton, as they get vocal about Cobra Commander, Master Splinter, Gadget, and Krang. Never has a group of characters cried out so powerfully for us to ask "how good is the sex and what is it like?" and we can promise that you'll get ...
Hard Choices 29 - Cryptids
October 31, 2023 21:34 - 1 hour - 97.1 MBOn September 3rd, 2023, four plucky perverts disappeared into the depths of the Internet while recording a podcast about their yearning to fuck cryptids. One month later, their audio was found. (Then, the editor spent three weeks making it listenable. Two of the hosts were sick and the other two were sharing a microphone, so there are probably some errant thumps and sniffles, but let's not speak ill of the mysteriously vanished.) This episode is dedicated to James D'Amato MeganBob ...
Hard Choices - 2023 Trailer
October 12, 2023 17:02 - 11 minutes - 8.58 MBCan something be simultaneously wholesome, horny, and hilarious? Only if you're the Hard Choices podcast. Hard Choices looks at the bedroom skill of fictional characters and asks "how good is the sex and what is it like?" What does that sound like as a podcast? Buddy, this trailer takes you through some highest highs and most unbelievable lows of ranking the f*ckability of fictional characters. If you've ever thought that Miss Piggy was a pillow princess or that Ra's al Ghul was a Daddy, ...
Hard Choices 28 - Shakespeare
September 13, 2023 20:07 - 2 hours - 111 MBIf Shakespeare were alive today, he would have a podcast. What kind, you ask? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it would feature iambic pentameter, stirring monologues, wall-to-wall dirty jokes, and flexible attitudes towards sex and gender. Holy shit, is MeganBob Shakespeare?! Maybe so, because all of those things appear in this Hard Choices episode about the works of the Bard! Lend us your ears as Dan Mulkerin, Cate Osborn (aka Catieosaurus), and Stella Cheeks join Bob not to praise 21 of ...
RCCC Live Show Update
August 31, 2023 22:37 - 3 minutes - 2.77 MBWe have a date and time for our Rose City Comic Con live show: Sunday, September 24th from 4-5 PM in room D135-136! Come see the show, hear us rank 80s cartoon characters, get your free gift baggie, and hang out with us!
Hard Choices 27 - Dragon Age
August 27, 2023 19:21 - 2 hours - 115 MBFrom a dank jail cell, where they are being interrogated by the Seekers of Truth (who may end up learning more truths than they bargained for), MeganBob hosts Hard Choices: Dragon Age Edition! Hornier than a whole platoon of Qunari warriors, MeganBob is joined by Elven Ranger Annie Craton, mononymous Human Bard Maquenzie, and the very best nug in Thedas, Kit, as they plumb the depths of the Deep Roads, scale the peaks of the Frostback Mountains, and stroll across the Elvish Dales in search...
Hard Choices 26 - Spider-Man
July 16, 2023 23:14 - 2 hours - 165 MBWe all know that with great power comes great responsibility. You know what else comes with great power? Us when we think about Spider-Man! It's not just Peter Parker who makes our web-shooters go thwip, either; he's got a huge cast of friends, foes, and supporting characters to suit every taste, from monsterfucks like Venom, to adorable loser fucks like The Shocker, to the jackpot herself, Mary Jane. This episode, your friendly neighborhood MeganBob pushes DEEP into the Spiderverse to fi...
Hard Choices LIVE at Rose City Comic Con!
July 16, 2023 04:42 - 7 minutes - 5.67 MBHard Choices is coming to Portland, Oregon for Rose City Comic Con, September 22-24th! We'll pass on the information about the day and time as soon as we find out when we'll be performing. I'll update again here and on the Hard Choices social media! It's brand new and I'm still figuring some of it out, but come say hi! Twitter Instagram TikTok
Hard Choices 25 - Gargoyles
June 17, 2023 19:06 - 2 hours - 134 MBIn 1994, Disney's Gargoyles glided into the preteen hearts of the afternoon cartoon crowd, appealing to us in ways we wouldn't fully comprehend for years to come: its borrowings from Shakespeare, for example, and the unfamiliar yearning that Demona's loincloth made us feel. Nearly thirty years later, we are no longer children, and we have put away childish things in favor of podcasts about childish things. At last, we're ready to engage the undeniable horniness of this 90's cartoon and imagi...
Bad Choices 1 - Looney Tunes (Public Edition)
June 15, 2023 22:59 - 2 hours - 97.1 MBChuck Jones and Mel Blanc couldn't have guessed what we'd do when we got our hands on their creations. To be honest, I'm not sure we could have guessed either. That's the power of alcohol! Join Annie Craton, Dan Mulkerin, Kris Newton, and MeganBob for a Chungus of an episode that's full of bad choices. The takes are more explosive than a warehouse full of Acme products and the descent into drunken chaos will leave you satisfied in ways that not even the Tazmanian Devil himself could match. F...
Hard Choices 24 - Clue (C)
May 31, 2023 17:01 - 1 hour - 77.5 MBYou arrive at the opulent podcast of Mr. MeganBob to find yourself surrounded by three of their most dubious acquaintances: Dan Mulkerin, Lillian Carlisle, and Kris Newton. Apparently, they've all been summoned to rank the fuckability of characters from the classic mystery board game (and cult film) Clue. However, something seems... off. These hosts are keeping secrets, and when foul play disrupts the evening, the suspects' stories don't quite add up. It's as though one or all of these shady...
24 - Clue (C)
May 31, 2023 17:01 - 1 hour - 77.5 MBYou arrive at the opulent podcast of Mr. MeganBob to find yourself surrounded by three of their most dubious acquaintances: Dan Mulkerin, Lillian Carlisle, and Kris Newton. Apparently, they've all been summoned to rank the fuckability of characters from the classic mystery board game (and cult film) Clue. However, something seems... off. These hosts are keeping secrets, and when foul play disrupts the evening, the suspects' stories don't quite add up. It's as though one or all of these shady...
Hard Choices 23 - Magic The Gathering: Planeswalkers
April 30, 2023 22:02 - 2 hours - 97.7 MBIt's time to leave the battlefield and enter the bedroom, because this episode of Hard Choices sees our hosts visiting the wide and wild multiverse of Magic: the Gathering! We've got elves, gorgons, vampires, golems, dragons, and more--and all of them are DTF! We've drawn Claire, Dan, Kit, and Meganbob to ask: Which characters are we putting into the command zone of our boners? Which are we consigning to the graveyard of our disinterest? And, perhaps most importantly, which color of Magic ca...
Hard Choices 22 - The Tarot Major Arcana
March 31, 2023 19:27 - 2 hours - 121 MBThe Tarot! The mystery and magic of life's journey have never been so adeptly captured in any other collection of cards, except maybe Yu-Gi-Oh. In this episode, three spirits penetrate the Tarot's mystery and make some magic as they rank the fuckability of the Major Arcana. Dan Mulkerin weaves tales of infuriatingly excellent and crushingly mediocre fucks; Kris Newton, safely deceased and heedless of privacy, interprets the cards in light of his personal sexual history; and MeganBob sacrific...
Medians - Season One
February 26, 2023 05:30 - 2 hours - 97.3 MBWebster's dictionary defines 'median' as "a value in an ordered set of values below and above which there is an equal number of values." Webster's dictionary doesn't define 'fuckability' because Webster was a nerd. Do you know who isn't a nerd? The four guests who stepped up to tackle every single median that Hard Choices has fucked its way through. Dan Mulkerin, Kit, Zadkiel, and MeganBob round up every median from the past 21 episodes of Hard Choices and give them a second chance in the sa...
21 - Dragonlance
February 02, 2023 20:47 - 1 hour - 79.5 MBGather round, heroes, and hear tell of the largest swords, roundest orbs, and hottest dragons ever seen in the land of Krynn! Experienced adventurers Meganbob, Miles, and Dan are joined by level 1 neophyte Neal Butler--but worry not, Neal is a dirty min-maxer and has no trouble keeping up with the horny analysis all four hosts bring to this special episode. Which Hero of the Lance captures our hearts and boners, and which are we abandoning to the Abyss? What sorts of books does Astinus the C...
Hard Choices 21 - Dragonlance
February 02, 2023 20:47 - 1 hour - 79.5 MBGather round, heroes, and hear tell of the largest swords, roundest orbs, and hottest dragons ever seen in the land of Krynn! Experienced adventurers Meganbob, Miles, and Dan are joined by level 1 neophyte Neal Butler--but worry not, Neal is a dirty min-maxer and has no trouble keeping up with the horny analysis all four hosts bring to this special episode. Which Hero of the Lance captures our hearts and boners, and which are we abandoning to the Abyss? What sorts of books does Astinus the C...
20 - Hades
January 01, 2023 04:21 - 2 hours - 165 MBYou may escape the heart of the underworld, boy, but you will never escape the throbbing heart of horniness! In fact, this might be the horniest episode of Hard Choices ever, as Annie Craton, Claire Mulkerin, and Zadkiel join MeganBob in ranking the fuckability of the gods and legends from Hades, the roguelike from Supergiant Games. They start with the median and work their way down to the nadir, but then the drama aeschylates quickly as they work their way up to the zenith, where each host ...
Hard Choices 20 - Hades
January 01, 2023 04:21 - 2 hours - 165 MBYou may escape the heart of the underworld, boy, but you will never escape the throbbing heart of horniness! In fact, this might be the horniest episode of Hard Choices ever, as Annie Craton, Claire Mulkerin, and Zadkiel join MeganBob in ranking the fuckability of the gods and legends from Hades, the roguelike from Supergiant Games. They start with the median and work their way down to the nadir, but then the drama aeschylates quickly as they work their way up to the zenith, where each host ...
Hard Choices 19 - Batman Villains
November 30, 2022 04:46 - 2 hours - 94.5 MBAttention, citizens of Gotham! We regret to inform you that the inhabitants of Arkham Asylum roam your streets tonight, and that your beloved hero Batman will not be coming to your rescue! But you know who WILL be coming? That's right, it's tonight's Hard Choices hosts! We may not have a lifetime of martial arts training and a belt full of strongly themed gadgets, but if being a hero means having to fuck our way to victory over every last one of these costumed weirdos, then Meganbob, James...
19 - Batman Villains
November 30, 2022 04:46 - 2 hours - 94.5 MBAttention, citizens of Gotham! We regret to inform you that the inhabitants of Arkham Asylum roam your streets tonight, and that your beloved hero Batman will not be coming to your rescue! But you know who WILL be coming? That's right, it's tonight's Hard Choices hosts! We may not have a lifetime of martial arts training and a belt full of strongly themed gadgets, but if being a hero means having to fuck our way to victory over every last one of these costumed weirdos, then Meganbob, James...
Hard Choices 18 - Movie Monsters
October 31, 2022 23:32 - 2 hours - 133 MBHalloween is just Valentine's Day for monsterfuckers, and a very horny Halloween it is too! To celebrate the bounty of the season, our hosts gathered up 21 of the most hair-raising horrors ever committed to screen and ranked their fuckability using the only hard science that really counts. MeganBob is joined by experienced monster-loving mavens Stella Cheeks and Lillian Carlisle, along with Kris Newton, who is only just beginning this journey towards being claimed by that which goes bump...
Hard Choices 17 - Mascots
October 13, 2022 02:35 - 1 hour - 85.2 MBIt is I, the Hamburglar! Where is MeganBob? Safe and content, I assure you. True, after they plumbed the depths of their desire for commercial mascots in this episode, I whisked them away to my personal playplace in a secluded corner of McDonaldland. But, for once, I have not played the villain -- even I cannot robble what is freely given. Still, they are indisposed, so there will be no episode description today, but rather a cautionary tale. In this episode, Meganbob, Hub, Kit, and Ja...
Hard Choices 16 - The Muppets
September 01, 2022 11:38 - 2 hours - 98.9 MBYou know, when MeganBob suggested this episode, a lot of the other hosts thought they were joking. Not one to be discouraged, they found three erotic galaxy brains willing to make a "Rainbow Connection" with The Muppets. What on earth is going to happen when you get three impassioned Muppet fans together to try and find the median of Muppet f*ckability? Well, it goes a lot like an episode of The Muppet Show. Join James D'Amato, Kris Newton, Crys, and MeganBob on a quest to get "felt" up ...
Hard Choices 15 - Nicolas Cage Characters
August 02, 2022 23:56 - 1 hour - 73.8 MBHappy Cagemas in...Well, let's call it July overtime, shall we? Sure, it's a cynical cash-grab to double up on Cagemas by doing Cagemas in July, but we never apologize for double-stuffing here on Hard Choices. Let's be honest, we all want to talk about boning Nic Cage characters. That's just the human condition. Five of the former hosts of the Smash Fiction podcast gathered together to live the dream. Stands are taken for wizards, spiders, truckers, writers, chefs, you name it. If you'...
Hard Choices 14 - Final Fantasy VI
July 02, 2022 01:08 - 1 hour - 71.8 MBIn our unending quest to understand fuckability, the Hard Choices crew plucked out a list of notable characters from the Nintendo masterpiece Final Fantasy VI and got down to some fantasizing of our own. Claire Mulkerin, Dan Mulkerin, Alex Roberts, and MeganBob explore an entire floating continent's worth of boners in our search for the median of fuckability in the FFVI universe. We found an indisputable median, but along the way we also delved into blunt himbos, the outfit Kefka makes yo...
Hard Choices 13 - Musicals
June 03, 2022 05:24 - 1 hour - 94.5 MBSome mediums are just too fuckable. Can you really walk past an orchestra pit, playbill in hand, and not feel a stirring in your loins? We didn't think so! That's why we gathered 21 notable characters from stage and screen musicals and sat down to rank their fuckability with a level of precision and rigor that would make a Sondheim song look like child's play. Hub, Claire, Miles, and MeganBob journey through a wide array of musical history and hit a lot of the highlights and lowlights ...
Hard Choices 12 - Doctor Who
April 30, 2022 22:58 - 1 hour - 97.4 MBWelcome to a very timey wimey episode where we take the entire long history of the Doctor Who franchise and do to it what Jack Harkness only wishes he could. We gathered up 21 characters from a wide spread of old and new Who and sat down in our best fezes and converse to rank the fuckability of all that time and space had to offer in our attempt to find the median of fuckability in the Doctor Who universe. Thankfully, our companions were up to the task. Jaime Smith, Sharon Schneiderman, Kr...
Hard Choices 11 - The Mummy Trilogy
March 31, 2022 20:06 - 1 hour - 94 MB1999 called and it says "hey babe, remember me?" and yes, yes we do. We remember the exact moment when The Mummy first crashed into our lives and touched us in ways we couldn't yet fully articulate. Rick, Evey, Ardeth, all of them, swept us off our feet and we've stayed swept ever since. This universe has some of the crème de la crème of fuckable characters but it also has some real bad eggs in there too. Annie Craton, Kit, Kam Servo, and MeganBob gathered up 21 characters from The Mummy ...
Hard Choices 10 - Disney Villains
February 28, 2022 21:59 - 1 hour - 71.7 MBIt may be too late in February for Valentine's Day, but it's never too late for Villaintine's Day. That's right, we brought together four "Poor Unfortunate Souls" and asked them to rank the fuckability of 21 villains from the Disney animated canon. All we can say is "Be Prepared" because we will not stop until we get to the median of fuckability. And what happens when you ask Kris Newton, Kit, Marissa, and MeganBob to brave the "Hellfire" in their deepest darkest hearts like this? Well, y...
Hard Choices 9 - Mortal Kombat
January 30, 2022 22:30 - 1 hour - 80.9 MBHold onto your sharply brimmed hats, it's MORTAL KOMBAT! Kam Servo, Miles Schneiderman, Dan Mulkerin, and MeganBob are one step ahead of Outworld in this episode, but the true destination for Hard Choices is always "The NetherRealm". Straight from the scantily klad arcade art of our youths, we rank 21 Mortal Kombat kharacters in an attempt to separate the kolor-swapped filler from the ones that make us say "Get over here!". We kover it all from animalities to Zaterrans and leave nothing unto...
Hard Choices 8 - Cats the Musical
December 25, 2021 17:13 - 1 hour - 84.8 MBIn this episode, we prowl the back alleys of London to get to the bottom of one of Andrew Lloyd Webber's defining musicals: Cats. We didn't leave Tom Hooper out of this though, because, for this episode, we're cats too. And you're a cat. We're all cats. No, no, don't look too closely at the CGI, just trust us, you're definitely a cat. Joining us to find the pick of the litter (and indulge in a surprising amount of musical numbers) are Claire Mulkerin, Miles Schneiderman, Annie Craton, and...
Hard Choices 7 - The Justice League of America
November 24, 2021 11:00 - 1 hour - 70.2 MBStraight from an edition of the Daily Planet that Lex Luthor definitely wouldn't want you to see comes the Hard Choices rankings of 21 of the most notable members of the Justice League of America. But we don't do rankings of how strong or heroic they are, this is a podcast that investigates their skills in the area of bedroom antics. Sure, these folks can save people from an alien invasion, but can they rock your world? Four noble souls gather together to figure out the definitive f*ckabilit...
Patreon is Here!
November 13, 2021 00:49 - 4 minutes - 3.1 MBWe've got a Patreon! It's aimed at keeping the show sustainable, covering hosting costs, and making weird new stuff possible! Patrons get some nice perks and help guide some of the show decisions! If you want in, go visit Patreon.com/hardchoices The show Patreon is not searchable because it's adult content, which is fair enough. So, if you want to support it and get early access to the Justice League of America episode (up now!) follow the link. Thanks for all of your support and see you s...
Hard Choices 6 - Vampires
October 30, 2021 21:13 - 1 hour - 85.7 MBThis episode of Hard Choices has to be invited into your feed because this time Kris Newton, Kit, Claire Mulkerin, and MeganBob are ranking 21 of media's most interesting vampires. No amount of holy water or garlic will spare you from the intensity of these boners. Sure, many of these vampires might kill you rather than let you make the walk of shame back to your coffin, but that's a risk we're willing to take. How dangerous is Viago? What smells would we put up with from Cassidy? Is Santani...
Hard Choices 5 - Mass Effect
September 29, 2021 12:00 - 1 hour - 80.2 MBI'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite episode on the Citadel. The Mass Effect universe is notoriously horny. This dating sim masquerading as a first person shooter offers all the juicy aliens you could ask for. The fuckability of these characters is undeniable, but we won't rest until we scientifically prove it. Who is the median of fuckability in this veritable buffet? We sit down and rank 21 of the most iconic Mass Effect characters to get an answer. Hop in the Mako as we crash hea...
Hard Choices 4 - Game of Thrones
September 06, 2021 21:22 - 1 hour - 91.6 MBWinter is coming in this dragon-sized episode of Hard Choices, Miles Schneiderman and MeganBob are joined by special guests from The Unspoiled Podcast network, Natasha Winters and Krista Contino-Saumby. Together, they travel the roads of Westeros ranking the fuckability of 21 representative characters from the world of A Song of Ice and Fire and Game of Thrones. How dangerous is getting into bed with Cersei Lannister? What exactly does Jon Snow know nothing about? Will Tormund Giantsbane roc...
Hard Choices 3 - Marvel Cinematic Universe
July 01, 2021 12:00 - 1 hour - 68.8 MBBoners assemble! It's time to rank the fuckability of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the team of Claire, Kit, and Dan Mulkerin, along with MeganBob, are ready to romance one of the most expansive franchises in modern history. In their quest to find the median of fuckability, you'll learn more about robot sex than you ever thought you'd need to know, more about our hosts than ever before, and perhaps an answer to the question of just how exactly does the Hulk smash. So, grab your best span...
Hard Choices 2 - 90's Star Trek
June 04, 2021 12:00 - 1 hour - 71.9 MBThe second installment of Hard Choices is on the viewscreen and it’s a doozy. Join Miles Schneiderman and Ensign MeganBob, along with special guests Sharon Schneiderman and Kris Newton, as they beam aboard the USS Horny to bone where no podcast has dared to bone before. The show sets a course to discover the median of fuckability in the 90s Star Trek universe and learns a lot about our crew members along the way. So, put on your best jumpsuit and head to the holodeck for some quality hot tak...
Hard Choices 1 - Lord of the Rings
April 01, 2021 12:00 - 1 hour - 114 MBWelcome to Hard Choices, a podcast appearing approximately whenever the mood strikes and guaranteed to explore new vistas of horniness! In this episode, Miles Schneiderman, Kit MeganBob, and special guest Katrina Ehrnman-Newton rank the fuckability of 21 notable Lord of the Rings characters in an attempt to uncover who is the median most fuckable character in the LOTR universe. Turn down the torchlight, stuff your pipe with the finest weed in the Southfarthing, and get ready for some big fee...