Grit and Grace with Akilah Marie

Who I Am and What I do:

Greetings. I'm super excited to start this journey of grit and grace with you. I want to thank you for choosing to walk with me. My name is Akilah Marie. In Arabic, my name means seeker of wisdom and I'm always on a quest to extract lessons from everything that I experience. I am a 36-year-old professional, born and raised and residing in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I like to say I'm a Midwestern girl with a southern heart. I love all things family, all things self-care, I love to cook, I love to entertain and giving to my community and world around me. I am a single mother to an amazing 10-year-old daughter, Abrielle Jacqueline, and I'm also a foster caregiver. I'm a singer, mentor, volunteer, and now I am a podcaster! I took the leap into the podcasting world during the 2020 COVID 19 pandemic and the reason why is because I've mentored many women and men over the past seven years to get them to their next level professionally, and also supported them during their transformations in their personal life. Many of them have found purpose in their current work, been promoted to the next level, started new careers or business ventures, been armed with the tools needed to power through some really tough times, and a lot of them have been inspired to pay it forward by sharing the knowledge that they've gained through our mentorship with someone else. I am a woman on this journey called Life who's learned many valuable lessons when on the peaks and in the pits of life. Life has pushed, hold, and sometimes it's even rolling me to my next level, and each time I've transformed into a better Akilah. 

Transitioning by Breaking Free From an Abusive Relationship: 

One of the most pivotal transformations was breaking free from an emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive marriage. A lot of people have never heard of or don't understand what financial abuse is. Quite honestly, y'all, I didn't know about it until I was right smack dab in the middle of it. Financial abuse is controlling a victim's ability to acquire, use, or maintain financial resources. Some victims are prevented from working, others may have their own money from working restricted or stolen by their abuser. They do not have access to money or other resources and when they are given money, they are often scolded and they have to account for every nickel and dime spent. Financial abuse varies from situation to situation. Sometimes it's overt, demanding, and intimidating and sometimes it's covert and you don't know it until you're in it. So I had no control or access over the money that I made. When I asked for access, it resulted in what I call blow-ups, which lasted for days. They did not de-escalate. Until about 72 hours after my initial request to have access to my money. I had to beg for forgiveness and find ways to make up for my desire to be an equal partner. I had no idea who I would wake up to each day because of this cycle of abuse. Would it be Dr. Jekyll, or would it be Mr. Hyde? Walking on eggshells daily was something that I never truly mastered, and I paid for it greatly. It was one Saturday afternoon, during a couples therapy session that I had begged us to go to, that therapist had noticed his trigger hair anger. In past sessions, I had hidden the verbal and emotional, and financial abuse, because I knew it would make things worse for me later. In this particular session, though, I opened up a little more to the therapist and tried to tiptoe around the fact that he was my abuser because I just didn't want to deal with the aftermath of it. But I still needed to get out a little bit of it to try to see if the therapist could give me some tools to navigate through that in to save what wasn't salvageable. So I posed my question as a specific incident and I didn't do the global issue of abuse that I was facing, again, in fear of retaliation against me. So I'm sitting on the opposite side of the couch of my partner, I'm staring directly at the therapist, and words are just vomiting out of my mouth. My eyes were swollen with tears and I remember gripping and holding on to my thumb, just to like ground myself at that moment. But the therapist, he stopped me from speaking after about two to three minutes, because I didn't realize but on the other side of that couch, my partner's fists were balled, his eyes were squinted, and his breathing was intense, to say the least. It was like the bomb was winding up, but I had become so numb to it, that I didn't even notice it. It was part of my everyday life to see that wind up so I didn't even turn to see that this was happening in public, and not just in our home. So time stood still, as I slowly turned and looked over to see what the therapist was observing when he said, "Hold on Akilah," and I slowly turned my head to see what was going on. The therapist kind of regurgitated what he was seeing my partner do and in that moment, it made it real because it wasn't just me and my experience in our home. It was a public display of the reaction to me wanting control or access the money that I had made. The therapist addressed directly with him, the physical display of rage towards me and my words, and of course, there was no accountability for it, it was because of me, was his reasoning why he was reacting that way. So in my mind, I knew that he would say that I forced the therapist to be on my side because there's a lot of score taking in abusive relationships. So my mind was racing on how I could spin it once we got home to see that I didn't get a point that maybe the therapist looked at me a certain way and I felt that he was scolding me, I had to somehow take some of the blame for his reaction. So my mind is racing and spinning on, what was I gonna say? How was I gonna say it? Because I know it's not going to end well. I remember the session ending with me speaking less and less, even when the therapist was trying to dig deeper, and asking me really pointed questions. My mind was hours ahead on how this would affect my night, my weekend, and my next week. I was thinking about how I would have to deny myself peace again for the next few weeks, in order to get to a couple of days of peace. But then I immediately snap back into the current moment on the couch, kind of frozen in pain and thoughts and everything else. The session was over and I had run to the bathroom, so I wouldn't have to be on the elevator with my partner alone to face that whole thing there. I was avoiding it, I wanted to wait as long as possible to have to account for my actions that led to his reaction. Once I was in the bathroom, I stared at myself in the mirror and I was started wondering how had I got to this point, how did I get here? I was so strong, so bold, so self-aware before he had ever walked into my life, but I gave that all away. I gave my power away, I dimmed my light, hoping to get love in return. I lost myself completely. When I left the bathroom, the therapist was in the hallway and he asked if I felt safe at home and if I needed help. Of course I lied, I wasn't ready at that point, to say those words that I was a victim. I told the therapist that I would be okay and that this never happened before and this was new to me. But inside of me, I felt and I prayed that the therapist did not believe me that he could see through it. 

The Moment Where I Broke Free: 

So fast forward, a few more months of things escalating. It was a Saturday afternoon, and my partner was coming into the house with flowers. But the window was open and I was standing in the kitchen washing dishes and I heard his voice. He was talking on the phone with someone about me like he always did. He was calling me out of my name, derogatory phrases, he was cursing, saying how dumb I was, and how he was going to give me these flowers that he had, and I'd fall for it again. He was talking about how he put me out if I didn't get it right and I wouldn't have anything. So he ended the phone conversation and he walked in the house with this big smile on his face and flowers in hand. I stood there just staring. No smile on my face, I couldn't fake it anymore. There were no tears in my eyes, no emotion. With all the strength that I had, it was like I had an out of body experience, but I proclaimed I heard every word you said about me while on the phone outside and I'm not doing this anymore. So it seemed as though I was jolted out of the spell that he had me under, I finally found enough strength to stand up in front of my partner and I let him know that I was filing for divorce. I only had $30 of my monthly allowance that he would give me in my pocket. I had zero access to the paycheck that had just been deposited into his bank account the day before. But I knew I needed to get into the driver's seat of my life before he drove it off the cliff. I had to take my power back and the only way that I knew how was to separate myself and to leave. It wasn't easy, but just saying the words was my first step. So I immediately called the therapist and I told him my decision to leave, and amazingly, his first words to me were, "Thank God, Akilah, I'm proud of you. I knew it wouldn't last, but you had to come to the decision yourself." I was floored, because here I thought I was hiding everything so well from the world and most importantly, from my therapist who I did not see frequently, but he just burst my little bubble. 

Transitioning to Growth:

My therapist and I continued on with our conversation and he let me know, for ethical reasons, he could not see me as a solo patient, because he had already seen me and my partner together as a couple. But he did refer me to his wife, who also practiced at a second location of theirs. With her, I learned a lot more about the effects of my abuse, and how to overcome them. We also dug deep on the steps in my childhood, in my teenage years, in my 20 years of life that that led me to him. For everything, there's a reason and we've dug deep into that to find that reason on how not only I was led to him, but why I stayed. I was also diagnosed with PTSD and I learned how to manage that, and also gain the strength to reclaim my power. So during the strenuous legal process of my divorce, there were some amazing things that happened in my life. I was promoted at work, I purchased my first home by myself, and that was a huge, huge, token for me to put into my confidence bank because my partner dwindled our savings account. When I initially said that I was filing for divorce, he transferred my remaining money out of the account so I started from 0 dollars. I, of course, change my direct deposit after that, but I started from zero, literally from the bottom, and I did it! I provided stability for my daughter and for myself. Our divorce was final in June, and in early July, I closed on my first home. I remember walking into the house, the day I got the keys after closing and I just sat there and cried and I didn't know why. Because it was such an amazing moment, my daughter was not with me, I wanted to go through the house and pray and release light into each room in the area, and just to give thanks. But I remember hearing his words of saying that I would never have anything that he would put me out of our home and then realizing that I had $0 but worked a really good job and had a secure income. That was a huge moment for me and just providing stability for my daughter and comfort and a place of peace. At every twist and turn of each process of my healing.

Defining Grit: 

I credited God, my therapist, and grit. Grit is that thing deep down inside that pushes you even when you don't know where the strength is going to come from. So grit is defined as courage and resolve, strength of character, perseverance, and resilience. But don't get me wrong, that does not mean that you are not going to have your hard days, your hard weeks, your hard months. I allow myself to feel each feeling. Every high every low, I had to process it all. I had to grieve the death of my marriage. For me, I didn't need to grieve the loss of him or my feelings towards him because I had started that work prior to even saying that I wanted to file for divorce. I had to grieve the loss of a marriage. My therapist offered a one on one guided meditation in her office. So I scheduled that before my therapy session. So those two things were sort of a weekly detox and rebuilds for me.

What did I Learn: 

The first lesson I learned was to never dim my light for anyone or anything. My ancestors, God, and the universe gave me this light. Courage is ingrained in my DNA. It is my God-Given right to shine, it is my right to move about this world with confidence and strength. 

The second lesson I learned was to never neglect the voice and power within. I saw the signs of control and abuse and I ignored them for many reasons that weren't valid or significant. Love should not intimidate you to lay aside your voice, or anything, your universe, or your God-Given power. Once I tapped my power on the shoulder and told her to rise, my life took a turn for the better. 

Third, for many reasons that I'd like to continue on with this podcast with you is the power of therapy. As I stated before, I have been very vocal about the three things that pushed me into this transformation, God, therapy, and grit. I knew I couldn't do it alone. There are people who have invested countless dollars and time into caring for our mental health, and you do not have to be ashamed to tap into that resource. If you're employed, ask your HR department about any possible employee assistance programs, which will cover a handful of mental health visits per topic in full. Contact your health insurance for in-network providers. There's now a budget-friendly online network of therapists who can be seen on demand. They have tools that you can use to get you through hard times and to keep you trucking along when things may be on the up and up. I didn't stop seeing my therapist just because I felt better, I continued it on. Neo-Soul singer India Arie summed it up really well for me: Strength, courage, and wisdom, it's been inside of me all along. You may not feel it today or tomorrow, but know everything that you need to be your best self, to live your best life is already inside of you. You were born with it already in you.

If you are a victim of abuse, you are not alone, and there is a way out. Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE 

I want to hear from you!  Email me at [email protected] and follow me on Instagram @thegritandgracepodcast.