How to stop being insecure in your relationship! (I used to always be insecure in love. Not anymore.)

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The cycle that Dr. Nicole Lepera saw repeatedly in couples therapy:

1. Emotional needs have gone unmet in childhood. Grew up with a feeling of loneliness and lack of belonging.

- Morgan’s note: As a person who is insecure in relationships, if you close your eyes and picture a time in your childhood, you will almost certainly envision a situation in which someone else’s needs mattered more to you than your own. Most likely, you will realize that your needs didn’t feel like they mattered at all in that situation… and many other situations from your childhood.

- Morgan’s note part 2: you were probably obsessed with making someone else happy and as an adult, you haven’t realized that you can’t do that for someone else.

2. Fantasy begins (typically before age 7) where child develops a fantasy world. Usually around a family on tv, a desire to marry the perfect person, or a belief that someone will rescue them.

3. Culture reinforces fantasy through ideas there is "the one" or the "perfect person" or the "fairy tale"

4. Adult subconsciously believes there is one right person who will make everything fall into place.

5. Adult projects all of their unmet childhood needs onto partner. This is subconscious. They believe their partner should make them happy, cater to their wounds, and unconditionally love them in a way a parent could not.

- Morgan’s Note: NO ONE THINKS THAT THEY ARE DOING THIS! But we all are until we heal ourselves. All of us. I promise.

6. Ultimately the partner cannot meet these expectations. There's disillusionment, anger, and pain.

7. Person goes on search to again find the perfect person without properly grieving the romantic fantasy.

Dr. Lepera explains that “awakening means we have to grieve the fantasy. We have to recognize that people are human. And they will bother us, annoy is, and activate us.

And more importantly, love is a practice. It's not a feeling. It involves conscious choice and effort from BOTH people.

It involves waking up and saying: "we are in this together. I choose you. Through our relationship (even the difficult times) I learn more about myself. I develop more awareness and resilience. Together we build trust. Together we are not perfect, but I have matured enough to value the peace of security over the chase of the fairy tale.”’

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