Big Cigarette

The Bimbofication of Megan Fox

July 29, 2022 03:53 - 1 hour - 86 MB

Hey. We're coming at you this week from way atop our high horse. We may or may not have predicted/manifested some stories in the news lately. Ezra is escalating. Elon continues to spawn and Nick Cannon noticed. Megan Fox is glamorizing the infantilization of men and must be stopped. (april's okay with woody allen if it's just soon-yi) Machine Gun Kelly is a part of this whole thing somewhere and WE HAVE GOOD THINGS TO SAY OKAY?? PUT THE GUN DOWN COLSON WE LIKE THE ALBUM!! hard.

Ezra Miller Bought Us a Horse

July 09, 2022 04:15 - 1 hour - 93.6 MB

Greetings, enemies. We've been busy fighting dark NRG, tf you up to? There will come a time when you realize you no longer have power over us - a time when you will know us only by the trail of chaos in our wake. Endowed with the energy of The Flash (the ring is very important), we dart from topic to topic: Elon Musk keeps making children because his old ones hate him; Lizzo invented a new slur; Ezra Miller is giving #cultleader and if someone dies - we called it. Remember Rob Schneider? ...

Child'n Out

June 13, 2022 01:03 - 1 hour - 177 MB

Well Cigs, the Hearpp trial is over. Non-horny ladies around the globe are grieving the end of women's rights (to defame). After an immersive two months, we're just grateful to change our shit-stained sheets and imbibe some lighter fare. Per usual, we need to talk about Kevin and his alleged LSD/non-binary grooming of Standing Rock Reservation child activist, Tokata Iron Eyes. Then we need to talk about Nick Cannon and his godly poly journey to populate the Earth with Z-named children. Why d...

The Case Against Amber Turd: Part 3

June 01, 2022 07:22 - 2 hours - 248 MB

Greetings to all our right wing extremists, "Men's Rights Activists", and ladies that discovered clit to Edward Scissorhands. Unfortunately for everyone, here's another bloated episode dedicated to AH's performance of a lifetime. Keen eyes saw no tears, officers saw no injuries, and Elaine can't see her mic. Now listen, I know it seems like we have some sort of implicit bias against Ms. Heard, but we implore you - ignore everything you've heard over the course of six weeks because we have li...

The Case Against Amber Turd: Part 2

May 16, 2022 19:29 - 2 hours - 249 MB

Hello #truthers, VapeGods™, and dookie detectives - Welcome to Part 2 of our series detailing the Hearpp pandemic. In this episode, we're covering highlights from the first half of the trial. We're talking Milani, Starbucks, the lazy LAPD, metadata - and that's just the opening statements. We'll be reviewing key witness testimony, the court of law vs the court of public opinion, and the media's disparate analysis of the viral #teamJohnny "movement" online. Who saw Johnny's penis? Who bought ...

The Case Against Amber Turd: Part 1

April 21, 2022 03:24 - 1 hour - 77.6 MB

Hellllllooo poppet. Could you be a doll and pass the Adderall? We're gonna need it to get through this *literal* shit show. Man, we were really overdue for another lawsuit between Johnny Depp and Amber Heard, and Johnny - the Southern gentleman, he is - much obliged. In preparation for the next few weeks of Defamation 2: Virginia Edition, allow us to present a thoroughly researched, feverishly assembled, YouTube-radicalized examination of how often that BITCH BE LYYYYYYING DUDE. Find out wha...

Bad Marriage 4 Lyfe

April 05, 2022 05:19 - 1 hour - 75.3 MB

Ladies, Gentlemen, Ukrainian Refugees™ - Welcome to Big Cigarette. We will be your vessels of love this evening. Leah has returned from Australia and literally didn't see a single fucking continental creature besides something called a "bin chicken." In her absence, our tarot reading unleashed a series of chaotic events - Hilaria convinced Alec to deposit more cash into her vending machine of joy. Ezra Miller disrespected Lady Gaga and the couple he was unicorning in Hawaii. The slaaaaap. We...

Skeetphoria

March 17, 2022 05:52 - 1 hour - 94.6 MB

Hey. Leah abandoned us to go get an eyebrow piercing in Australia so I've been softly weeping and hiding behind a shower curtain and spending hours a day doing Gua Sha and YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ITS LIKE AND I KNOW YOU'RE JUDGING ME WHEN I DID NOTHING WRONG AND IM THE HAPPIEST AND MOST LYMPHATICALLY DRAINED THAN I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY LIFE. Anywaaaay..... since Leah's gonna be Down Under (ew) for however long it takes an eyebrow piercing to heal, what do you say we have an extra-long (ew...

Victoria's Secret (chromosome)

February 26, 2022 03:38 - 1 hour - 72.9 MB

Well cigs, we're grieving. Art is dead. Love is dead. But our vision is Krystal Klear. We bid farewell to some of our favorite couples this week so please be compassionate while we heal. As the Lord shuts the door on Ye-lia, he opens a window... it's a conference room... a group of marketing executives are huddled *silently* at the head of a white lucite table. Their faces bear varying degrees of desperation and concern, discomfort and wild-eyed resolve, as they regard a neat selection of ph...

The Whoopi Goldberg Experience

February 14, 2022 18:03 - 1 hour - 71.4 MB

What's up freak bitches, welcome to The Big Cigarette Experience. We took a shit ton of testosterone replacement hormones and high potency edibles and we're ready to spit some hot takes. We start the ep with some fun stuff - Ye told everyone in New York that Pete has AIDS, Pim Kardavidson went on a date with Bezos, RiRi made a bb and we already love it, and, obviously, Nick Cannon. Then we obey God's will and step into the spin zone to discuss Whoopi's "dangerous" rhetoric on The View, and t...

Our Date With Juliye

February 03, 2022 19:32 - 1 hour - 79.9 MB

Hi, it's ciggy. You've probably seen the news, and yes! It's true, we're still high on the, like, pheromone oils exchanged while like literally forming the most organic relationship of our lives. We're totally just getting to know each otherrr and like talking so fast and nooo we're not putting any labels on it except like the truly essential ones like artist, muse, creative collaborator...anyway if you're so interested in us, maybe you should like listen to our podcast, like come to our art...

The Kurse of Khloé

January 19, 2022 21:56 - 1 hour - 70.5 MB

Well, hi. We were busy attending the Omarion Variant Tour and lost all sense of time, space, smell, taste, etc. Fortunately, our sense of duty prevailed, our intensive holistic immunization procedures concluded, and our paternity tests have determined ... YOU ARE THE FATHER. Khloé has egg on her face again since news broke that Tristan Thompson preferred the eggs of some other slim/thick/insta/heaux. How many NBA players does it take to fix a Kardashian? In other #girlboss news, we discuss t...

12 Angry Cigs

December 15, 2021 18:05 - 1 hour - 67.3 MB

ALL RISE FOR THE HONORABLE JUDGE CIGARETTE. *gavel gavel* Court is now in session. There's a lot of celebs on the naughty list this year: Jussie, TSwift, Holmes, Duggar, Baldwin, and MORE. But we're two very good girls with incredible judgement. We've been chain smoking cigarettes in a tiny office with a dim lamp, we've considered all the mens rea, and we've been found in contempt of court; so allow us to present an extrajudicial Christmas treat - 12 Angry Cigs: The Justice Episode. Cozy up ...

Father, Son, and House of Carter

December 10, 2021 02:12 - 1 hour - 77.2 MB

Ciao ciggies, benvenuti. We've been preparing for months to enjoy House of Gucci and yet... the only thing worth remark was the value of Jared Leto's method acting. After a tepid review, we decided to show Ridley Scott a thing or two about *character development* and tackled a house even greater than Gucci - The House of Carters. Light a cig, huff something potent, and go live on Instagram because that's the only way you guys are gonna understand this. with love & light, BC <3 Pleeeazuuhh, ...

Look What You Made Us Do (sell sex toys)

December 01, 2021 06:36 - 1 hour - 74.2 MB

Hey, Cigs. We took a little holiday break for some uninterrupted gratitude. Now we're back, and feeling *sexually well* -- so well, in fact, we're excited to announce we've teamed up with @bellesaboutique to create a revolutionary pleasure device: The InCIGerator™. Crafted with gender neutral silicone, this non-toxic vibe is perfect for literally anyone. I mean, we're retarded and this is our vibrator. Invigorate yourself with a true-to-scale replica of a Gauloises cigarette that we can lega...

The Faults in Our Stars

November 18, 2021 00:41 - 1 hour - 74.2 MB

Hi Cigs, thanks for having us. We need to set the record straight about a few blatant LIES being spread before the woke mob puts the final nail in our cancel culture casket (cute). First of all, Aaron Rodgers does NOT want to talk about the 500 pages of research he compiled on homeopathic immunization processes. Second of all, Shailene Woodley doesn't know much, but she does know her fiancé when she sees him. And lastly, we think its cute that you guys keep listening to this podcast when you...

Hit Yolanda One More Time

November 09, 2021 19:26 - 1 hour - 62.6 MB

Hallo sigarets, it's your Dutch sluts. Zayn pushed us into a dresser real good and now we must be in Hell because Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian held hands and are probably doing performative Stanton Island sex RIGHT NOW. Anyway - while we're here roasting in eternal damnation: we provide an update on the Baldwins from a very private location in Vermont, shrug off the Hadids, and do a close reading of Britney's stream-of-consciousness instagram prose. Late stage humanity is a blast. xoxo k...

Bandito Baldwinito

November 02, 2021 15:59 - 1 hour - 70.8 MB

¡Hola cigarillos! We've been ~ muy mal ~ and took a week off to attend a yoga retreat in our native España. However, when news broke that our dear friend Alec Baldwin was involved in a tragic on-set shooting, we stopped shavasana and jetted straight to Vermont to get the scoop. And Dios mío, scoop we did! In this episode, we allow special investigator Leah to present evidence against the true villain of the story - Hilary Hayward Thomas aka HILARIA BALDWIN. The lies, the tan, the... how do y...

Machine Gun Megan Kelly

October 21, 2021 22:31 - 1 hour - 64.7 MB

We're back, but this time our skin is like silk and our bodies have curves in all the right places and we own the largest collection of Vermeer paintings and we STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, BRITTANY MURPHY? However, we did get several answers to questions we did not ask, thanks to this week's expertly coordinated mega dump of Kourtney/Travis/Megan/COLSON(?) emo love foursome content. Travis asked Kourtney to prom. Machine Gun and Megan got a spread in the yearbook. Senior year rocks. Then...

Dave Chappelle Went Online

October 13, 2021 02:15 - 1 hour - 75.9 MB

Big Ciggie missed you. Your beloved terrible-looking white bitches have finally been released from the trunk of Dave Chappelle's car...and we have some thoughts. But first, we review a lil investigative journalism we conducted last week in our quest to expose all liars. Then, we share confusion over the Facebook "whistleblower," and thoroughly review Kim Kardashian(West)'s SNL appearance. In closing, The Closer. Who let Dave get on the forums? He googled! He said he was "Team TERF." Dad, ple...

Sorry, Not Sorry

October 06, 2021 20:11 - 1 hour - 76.6 MB

Hi. We're Big Cigarette: singer, activist, and Demi Lovato experiencer. Sorry we're late, but it's your fault. This week, we start the episode on a high note with some of Leah's favorite headlines. But don't get too comfy, because April went full method by getting drunk for a deep dive on our favorite fruit fly, Demetria Devonne. The tweets, the overdose, the...aliens? It's a miracle we survived. You can have a lil brain damage, just as a treat. xoxo FEED THE ALGORITHM. SUBMIT TO TECH LORDS...

can cook, not slut

September 27, 2021 06:14 - 1 hour - 72.2 MB

Hello friend - Big Cigarette™ is working overtime in the emotional labor department and is currently at capacity. Is there someone else you can talk to? Text Joe30330 to receive affirmations. This week, we're afraid of the internet. We chat about some *buzz words* - the evolution of #tradwife - parasocial relationships - if (April) leaves a suicide note, it will be a hyperlink to the new Fox singing competition, Alter Ego. We're simply unlike other women. xo Follow us on instagram http...

The Video Met Gala Music Awards

September 20, 2021 00:56 - 1 hour - 78.4 MB

Look, we had to do it. As professional cultural commentators and white women in athleisure...we had to cover the MTV Video Music Awards. Does Justin Bieber have lupus or Lyme's disease? Is Doja Cat a computer generated PSYOP funded by Pepsi? HOW MANY MARRIAGES WILL OLIVIA MUNN DESTROY? We're literally asking, we do not know. And just in case we didn't say "trash," "garbage," and "shit" enough in the first half, we review the Met Gala 2021: An American Horror Story. The event so underwhelming...

Speaking of Liars...

September 15, 2021 19:30 - 1 hour - 79.3 MB

Big Cigarette™ has a fear of needles, but we're not afraid to talk about some pricks. First up, we cover John Mulaney's terrible horrible no good very bad year, and the *highly suspicious* timeline he constructed to announce he came inside Japanese potato evangelist, Olivia Munn. Then we shift gears to a more consequential scammer - Elizabeth Holmes. As her federal trial commences, we review her uncanny origin, the insane fraudulence of Theranos, and her Hail Mary #MeToo defense strategy. Wh...

Building a Bitch in Paradise

September 10, 2021 01:05 - 1 hour - 68 MB

Hiiiii *giggle* uwu. We're just two shy, sexy babies trying to figure out who the hell Bella Poarch is and how the fuck she got 500+ million views on Tiktok for a 10 second face dance. Do we figure it out? No. But we do know enough about Zoe Kravitz and Channing Tatum to understand their budding relationship is an unholy union and we are here for support. And while we're on the topic of unholy unions...a Bachelor in Paradise recap occurs. It was a slow news week. Kisses! Follow us on Ins...

The Proximity Effect

September 08, 2021 06:10 - 1 hour - 79.9 MB

Aloha, tramps! We've donned our finest Tommy Bahama shirts and evil eye amulets to discuss the latest video, "Envy," from Youtube darling and philosophy MILF, Natalie Wynn. Then we take a bunch of ketamine, check into the Pineapple Suite, and recap HBO's The White Lotus. Fuck this place! xoxo Follow us on Instagram @bigcigarette_pod All interstitial music credit to Cristobal Tapia de Veer.

Greg Grippo '99

August 22, 2021 00:25 - 1 hour - 61.7 MB

Somehow we did this again. This week, we had a long chat on HBO's Woodstock '99: the looks, the boobs, the original f(y)re fest. Nu-metal did nothing wrong. You know who did something wrong? GREG GRIPPO. Sorry cuties, we're talking about The Bachelorette. DMX Woodstock '99 Full Set https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXQZw9WM84k&t=938s

I'm With Joe (Baena)

August 16, 2021 07:00 - 54 minutes - 49.6 MB

On this ~*inaugural episode*~ we share our love for Joseph Baena; our displeasure with (human void and friend of Megan McCain) Katherine Schwarzenegger; and some chaotic thoughts on Netflix's Sexy Beasts. Then we wrap it up with our weekly segment, The Last Drag, where we riff on what's giving us mental illness that week. xoxo

Episodes