Addicted to Recovery: The Interactive Memoir
34 episodes - English - Latest episode: over 1 year ago - ★★★★★ - 12 ratingsWarning: This might be hard to hear. It was hard to LIVE. Having an honest dialogue about what active addiction was like isn’t pretty, but I’m hoping that even if you come for the train wreck you’ll stay for the recovery conversation. Settle in for notes from the thick of two decades of substance abuse, mental health struggles, romantic obsession, rehabs, hospitals, institutions and general despair, to the last few years of coming out the other side. I've had a lot of time to collect insight about recovery, and to stay sober I had to be as obsessed with getting better as I was with staying sick, and I hope to share some of that insight with you. Through writing a memoir about my recovery from alcoholism and mental illness, I realized, my recovery is an ongoing process, and also an interactive one, based on shared insight and dialogue. So why would a book about those things be any different? I want to share my story while engaging in a conversation about the nature of addiction and recovery, to share tools and crowdsource far more wisdom than I could export on my own. Join me as I read chapters from my memoir and join the discussion about recovery, addiction, mental health, spirituality and humanism. I invite you to e-mail any questions or comments to: [email protected]
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Episodes
Look Out World, I'm Cured!!!
July 28, 2022 09:00 - 32 minutes - 22.6 MBBack from rehab, I believed, due to a few months of sobriety, that all the problems in my life would solve themselves. Alcohol had been the problem. The thing that was holding me back was removed, so nothing could stop me!!! Stop me from... organizing my books and haircare products? Catching up on the TV I missed? I found myself more and more preoccupied with the things that NOT drinking was preventing me from doing, or would at least stop me from enjoying The problem was I hadn’t created ...
Resident of the Day!
June 30, 2022 09:00 - 34 minutes - 23.5 MBThe last month at Portage I was looking for an escape route. Now this wasn’t a literal, Shawshank redemption, crawl through the sewers kind of escape, it was escape through focus, which I was determined to be on anything but my role in the community, the therapeutic model, or even my alcoholism, it was, often, on everyone else and THEIR problems. And planning my marriage to a guy I'd spoken to once, puzzling over the logistics of whether it’s OK for addicts and alcoholics to get wasted on...
Monster
June 02, 2022 10:00 - 35 minutes - 24.7 MBIt seems the Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard trial made me have a whole lot of feelings. Particularly, where do ideas and 'victim' and 'perpetrator' fall apart when there is wrongdoing on both sides, or when an environment or relationship is in itself intrinsically chaotic. I have been in plenty of mutual destructive relationships, and substance abuse seems to change the rules of engagement. To what extent do we hold people to different ethical standards when they are intoxicated? Should we? ...
Not At All Like The Movies
May 03, 2022 10:00 - 35 minutes - 24.2 MBMy first rehab was awful. Often, when I externalized my misery in one way or another, I can look back and say, naw, well, that was really more of a me thing. Yet with this rehab, I look back and still think it was awful. Was I miserable the whole time? Absolutely. Was I also sober the whole time? Yup. For many of the residents there being in portage meant they weren’t on the streets, they were away from abusive relationships, they were out of prison, and many, probably, just not DEAD, and t...
Time To Say Goodbye
April 19, 2022 10:00 - 34 minutes - 23.8 MBMy grandfather passed away, and I was useless. I didn’t go to the hospital in his last few weeks. Hospitals really bummed me out. I mean I was fragile. God forbid I carry any extra emotional weight. I checked out. I did nothing but try to drink less, feeling terribly burdened by this sacrifice, and that was all I could summon. I couldn’t handle complex emotions, my own or others’, without alcohol. However, WITH alcohol I ran the risk of completely mishandling those emotions. I spent all my...
The After-After Party
March 29, 2022 13:00 - 34 minutes - 24 MBBack at Concordia University, I set some boundaries with myself and alcohol. Since I still wanted to drink all the time, I had to strategize how my ‘normal’ drinking was going to go down. Was there an event being hosted at a bar? Was there a poetry reading, an open mic, someone in the program’s birthday? Well, yes, as it turned out! Almost every night, yes!!! If not, I knew the haunts I could reliably find other students or teachers having a drink after class. There were book launches and w...
How To Disappear Completely
March 08, 2022 11:00 - 33 minutes - 22.8 MBWarning: This episode contains descriptions of sexual assault that may not be suitable for some listeners. Want to talk about it? Drop me a line at [email protected] The second after I accepted that Leo had really dumped me, I plunged into the project of ‘getting him out of my system’ by sleeping around. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, as they say, I was taking my power back, yessiree! This was all utter bullshit, and even drunk me was aware of it o...
Our Secret Lives with Brianne Davis
February 24, 2022 11:00 - 1 hour - 45.7 MBAddicted to Recovery's first conversation episode, where I talk to Brianne Davis about sex and love addiction, and our secret lives. Video format available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wJYuVLJJbY Talk to me about at [email protected] About my co-conspirator: With over 12 years of recovery as a Sex and Love Addict, Brianne hosts the popular personal journal podcast “Secret Life.” The podcast launched in August 2020 and features inspiring true confessions from an eclectic...
How the Hell Did I Get Here
February 09, 2022 11:00 - 33 minutes - 23 MBI wake up to my phone ringing through a lacerating headache. I ignore it. The person calls again. The guy sleeping next to me grumbles enough that I pick it up, mumbling hello, my breath acrid, my mouth chalky and sticky. There is a frantic woman on the line demanding “are you Tara?” I grunt affirmative. “I’d like to know what this magical evening you spent with my fiance is all about.” Shit. Which one was that? I’d been flinging my body around so carelessly, to whoever would take it, I wasn...
Edgy, Cool and Tortured
January 27, 2022 11:00 - 35 minutes - 24.2 MBMy classmates in Creative Writing would understand how edgy, cool and tortured I was, and how cool my drinking was. The first writing assignment I workshopped in my fiction writing class was from my *ahem* novel, a chapter in which the narrator, reeling from a devastating breakup, hurtles into alcoholic drinking and ends up in rehab. Funny how I was writing things, as ‘fiction,’ that hadn’t happened to me yet, but were going to. Was it prediction? Manifestation? But a story about rehab, t...
Functional Alcoholism
January 06, 2022 11:00 - 34 minutes - 23.8 MBOver the next year, I kept both a job and a boyfriend, and was thus performing normalcy to a dazzling degree that surprised even me. Since the incident and my outpatient therapy, every time I drank and nothing terrible happened I gave myself permission to drink more often and still, nothing catastrophic occurred. I’d broken the system. I’d graduated into what I believed was functional alcoholism, and was perfectly content to stay there indefinitely. People speak of addiction as progressive,...
Happy Holidays!
December 25, 2021 19:00 - 18 minutes - 12.7 MBA few thoughts on the holidays, and the challenges they have presented, as well as the legitimate joy they can bring. The holidays can be difficult for people in recovery So many holiday traditions involve alcohol, the office party, the Christmas cheer, and let’s not even get started on New Years Eve. There is this idea that the holidays should FEEL different than other days. Your relationships should feel closer. There should be a warm and cozy fireside feeling in our hearts. We should f...
I Think I May Have Just Murdered Myself
December 22, 2021 04:00 - 33 minutes - 23 MBAfter a disturbing alcohol related injury, it was off to my very first outpatient program for addiction. The outpatient group, at the time, was five days a week, and it was good in that it gave me something to do every day and bad in that it gave me something to do every day, in that it seemed to excuse my otherwise minimal participation in my own life, a crutch I would come to rely on to give my life structure and meaning. I did want to get better. I was suffering. But I also couldn’t imag...
She's AWFUL.
December 01, 2021 06:00 - 36 minutes - 25 MBWhy would I quit drinking when I still liked me better when I was drinking, and the confounding thing was that other people did too. Well, that's what I believed at least. I didn’t have much to offer in a relationship, but that was never so much my concern. What was important was what I could get out of it. What I needed was a sense of legitimacy, of identity, a role to play in the world, and since I wasn’t participating in my own life too much, a role in someone else’s life would do. In t...
My Friend's Cool Dad
November 12, 2021 05:00 - 34 minutes - 23.7 MBThat awkward moment when you walk into your first AA meeting and there's your friend's cool dad who used to give you booze as a teenager. And your first impulse is to go and tell your mom and friends about it.Oh wait... I think that's against the rules. Before I return to troubleshooting some issues surrounding 12-step, I can remember how I first came into the program, and I was hardly a paragon of virtue, honesty and good intentions, so I can be a bit more generous in my judgment of other...
Are You Buying The Stairway To Heaven?
October 29, 2021 04:00 - 40 minutes - 27.6 MBSo, time to get controversial and talk about 12 step recovery! People have very strong feelings about 12-step, what it is, what it isn’t, if it’s bad, if it’s good, if it’s a helpful community, if it’s a cult, whether you need to find God, whether it’s 2 well-to-do men from the 1930s and why should we listen to them, of whether there are wrong or right ways to do it, and the types of people it can help or not help, so many opinions. A lot of this noise gets in the way of what I believe is a...
Are You Buying The Stairway To Heaven?
October 29, 2021 04:00 - 40 minutes - 27.6 MBSo, time to get controversial and talk about 12 step recovery! People have very strong feelings about 12-step, what it is, what it isn’t, if it’s bad, if it’s good, if it’s a helpful community, if it’s a cult, whether you need to find God, whether it’s 2 well-to-do men from the 1930s and why should we listen to them, of whether there are wrong or right ways to do it, and the types of people it can help or not help, so many opinions. A lot of this noise gets in the way of what I believe is a...
Drug of Choice... I Didn't Know There Was a CHOICE!!!
October 13, 2021 18:00 - 37 minutes - 25.7 MBI'd heard somewhere no one understands an addict like another addict, so as my alcoholism, progressed I gravitated towards a booze-fueled affair with a deliciously tortured soul who was legit damaged: He'd actually been to rehab. How exciting! He drank a lot, but it was OK, because alcohol wasn't his drug of choice... Holy Moly, I didn't know there was a CHOICE!!! This episode also begins to tackle alcohol as a means of addressing a deeper inability to connect with people and our environmen...
The Melting Pot of the Hopelessly Average
September 15, 2021 02:00 - 34 minutes - 24 MBAt 20 years old I'm already washed up, so might as well just give up on doing anything meaningful and go into a school program I have no intention of taking seriously. While I'm at it, might as well give up on love as well and lose my virginity to a stranger. Winning at life! This episode also talks about addiction as a fundamental refusal to accept reality. Being rather pissed off that the world was not bending to my every whim, and not seeing that my participation, or lack thereof, might ...
I Am An Abusive Person.
August 25, 2021 11:00 - 36 minutes - 25.3 MBI’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I am an abuser. There is someone in my life that for years I’ve been abusing mentally, emotionally, and physically. I also neglected her, endangered her and left her vulnerable to the abuse of other people. Beyond that, I was so convinced for much of this time that she deserved it, or even that it was for her own good, that I was teaching her a lesson, that I didn’t recognize I was doing anything wrong. The only reason I'm not in jail is because...
I Am An Abusive Person... You Probably Are Too.
August 25, 2021 11:00 - 36 minutes - 25.3 MBI’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I am an abuser. There is someone in my life that for years I’ve been abusing mentally, emotionally, and physically. I also neglected her, endangered her and left her vulnerable to the abuse of other people. Beyond that, I was so convinced for much of this time that she deserved it, or even that it was for her own good, that I was teaching her a lesson, that I didn’t recognize I was doing anything wrong. The only reason I'm not in jail is because...
The First Time
August 11, 2021 14:00 - 32 minutes - 22.3 MBThe first time I drank I may not have catapulted into full-blown alcoholism, but it was clear, even from the get go, that alcohol only amplified my personality deficits. But what about other first times in recovery, in life? What about the positive milestones? The first time you resisted buying drugs or alcohol. The first time you reached out for help. The first time you helped someone else. The first time that proved to yourself 'I can do this!' These moments are just as important, or more...
The Bottle and The Borderline
August 03, 2021 11:00 - 33 minutes - 23.2 MBStumbling upon a book about Borderline Personality Disorder. It seemed to explain everything! Impulsivity, unstable relationships, mood swings, feelings of emptiness, self destructive behavior, troubles navigating identity... Well maybe BPD could be my identity! But you know what else leads to impulsivity, unstable relationships, feelings of emptiness, mood swings, problems with identity, outbursts of anger, self-destructive behaviours, and the very real likelihood that people might end up...
When It Was All Supposed To Happen
July 28, 2021 11:00 - 31 minutes - 21.7 MBSo the 'S' word... no, not the one referring to bodily functions, but SPIRITUALITY. There. I said it. This episode breaks down my still rather dubious relationship with the word itself, but the ways in which embracing the principles behind it, as I understand them, (and even the ways I DON'T understand them) has aided in my recovery and life in general, if I stop being so hung up on having to have all the answers, because really, no one does. In the memoir, time to hoot and holler at one of...
But Everybody's Doing It!
July 21, 2021 11:00 - 33 minutes - 23.1 MBIt’s easy to obscure a drinking problem when everyone else drinks. It was all happening in plain sight. It wasn’t a PROBLEM! I was nineteen! I liked to PARTY! And so did EVERYONE ELSE! In this chapter I drift further into denial when drinking is normalized by friends, family and a culture that thinks drinking is just the obvious way to have a good time. It also delves into the awkwardness and anxiety of trying to convince myself I was having a good time when I was really just desperate to be...
But Everybody's Doing It!
July 21, 2021 11:00 - 33 minutes - 23.1 MBIt’s easy to obscure a drinking problem when everyone else drinks. It was all happening in plain sight. It wasn’t a PROBLEM! I was nineteen! I liked to PARTY! And so did EVERYONE ELSE! In this chapter I drift further into denial when drinking is normalized by friends, family and a culture that thinks drinking is just the obvious way to have a good time. It also delves into the awkwardness and anxiety of trying to convince myself I was having a good time when I was really just desperate to be...
Addicted to Love... Or whatever THAT was...
July 14, 2021 11:00 - 36 minutes - 25 MBIt turns out the best antidote to rapidly declining mental health is becoming completely obsessed with someone who just isn't that into you, and putting the power of your salvation in their indifferent hands. I never did learn the rules of intimacy and sexuality, so I just figured I'd make up my own, and enacted relationships in my own head that served as powerful stimulants, sedatives and sometimes full on hallucinogenics. This episode also talks about concurrent mental health concerns, ...
Oops, I Did It Again!
July 07, 2021 11:00 - 30 minutes - 20.8 MBRelapse. The most confounding process in addiction. Why do we keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? How do we rationalize this process when we KNOW BETTER? What kind of lies do we tell ourselves and others? More importantly, how can we interrupt this devastating pattern, by cutting it in the early stages of relapse planning to outsourcing out better judgment to the resources we have at hand, putting the odds more in our favor. This episode also explores ...
Oops, I Did It Again!
July 07, 2021 11:00 - 30 minutes - 20.8 MBRelapse. The most confounding process in addiction. Why do we keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? How do we rationalize this process when we KNOW BETTER? What kind of lies do we tell ourselves and others? More importantly, how can we interrupt this devastating pattern, by cutting it in the early stages of relapse planning to outsourcing out better judgment to the resources we have at hand, putting the odds more in our favor. This episode also explores ...
Disgraced Drama Queen
June 30, 2021 14:00 - 30 minutes - 20.8 MBAddicted To Recovery : The Interactive Memoir Episode 4: What does it really mean to drink alone as opposed to with other people? Drinking with others was still, essentially, how I was trying to manage my own mind, not other people's. For me, it was an indication that the relationship I had with my mind had become more strained than the most forced social situations. I figured alcohol could force us to get along the same way it had with various frenemies over the years. It had the opposite...
Things Fall Apart
June 23, 2021 14:00 - 31 minutes - 21.4 MBAddicted To Recovery : The Interactive Memoir Episode 3: When did I know I had a problem? What are the red flags? In my case it was muddled by a personality that enjoyed the chaos, and thought drinking was just an extension of being a bit more dramatic than everyone else. In chapter three, we flash forward again to the onset of alcoholic drinking, as I struggled to process a loss while trying to cut it at a challenging performing arts school. Unable to manage my emotions I took to day d...
The Perils of Perfectionism
June 16, 2021 19:00 - 31 minutes - 21.7 MBI certainly had a lot of the 'isms' of alcoholism before I even touched a drink. My personality was fertile ground for disorders to develop even as a child. Reflections on how perfectionism limits living a full life, the beliefs behind it, and a few strategies I use to talk myself out of it. Audiobook Chapter 2: The Thoughts, goes through childhood anxieties and developing cognitive distortions. Please send questions, comments or just say ‘hi’ at [email protected] or https:...
Introduction and Chapter 1
June 09, 2021 18:00 - 26 minutes - 17.9 MBA harrowing journey of decades of mental illness and alcoholism, and the eventual redemption. I learned the hard way, so maybe you don't have to! This episode includes an introduction to the format, some recovery talk and chapter one of the addiction memoir. Please send questions, comments or just say ‘hi’ at [email protected] or https://twitter.com/ToMemoir or https://www.facebook.com/groups/156764336366378 If you like what I’m doing and find it useful or entertaining, rec...
Introduction and Chapter 1
June 09, 2021 18:00 - 26 minutes - 17.9 MBA harrowing journey of decades of mental illness and alcoholism, and the eventual redemption. I learned the hard way, so maybe you don't have to! This episode includes an introduction to the format, some recovery talk and chapter one of the addiction memoir. Please send questions, comments or just say ‘hi’ at [email protected] or https://twitter.com/ToMemoir or https://www.facebook.com/groups/156764336366378 If you like what I’m doing and find it useful or entertaining, rec...