Your Iconic Image : What Others Think of You Is None of Your Business

Success Development Solutions

Amber Fuhriman is an attorney, speaker, success architect, and podcaster.  She is the Owner and Attorney at Fuhriman Law, a Law Firm she operates in Las Vegas, Nevada.  Amber practices Criminal Defense and Immigration Law.  She graduated from Law School in Michigan and immediately moved to Vegas to being her career. 

Throughout her educational and professional career, Amber always thought there would be a moment where everything would fall into place, as she calls it, her “I’ll be happy when moment.”  When that moment never came, Amber started to realize her entire identity had been tied up in being an attorney and chasing accomplishments to fill a void that accomplishments could never fill.  Amber’s road to becoming a success architect began in 2016 when she dug into personal development.  Since 2016, Amber has pushed the boundaries of her self-imposed physical and mental limitations, living outside her comfort zone as much as possible and learning about how the mind works and how our limiting beliefs affect our success.  

In 2020, Amber became a Certified Trainer in Neuro-Linguistic Programming and a Certified Master Practitioner in Integrated Timeline Techniques.  Now, in addition to practicing law, Amber is a Success Architect and NLP Trainer.  She works with “serial accomplishers” like her former self to help them gain clarity what they actually want, define what their best life looks like and helps them get out of their comfort zone to achieve their dreams. 

Amber believes that pushing yourself out of your comfort zone physically helps challenge your mental limitations of what you can accomplish professionally.  She uses her experiences with loss, grief, academic and professional success, and physical challenges including a 24 hour endurance obstacle course race to help her clients get out of their own way and achieve their highest level of success.

www.successdevelopmentsolutions.com

www.linkedin.com/in/amberraefuhriman

https://www.facebook.com/groups/morethancorporate

www.marlanasemenza.com

Audio : Ariza Music Productions

Transcription : Vision In Word

Amber   

I'm So glad to be here. Thank you So much for having me. You know, I feel we're just talking about this. And I'm super excited, because I get to travel a lot. And So, I feel like this is one of the benefits of what we get to do is like, we can do this from anywhere. And it really creates like a really cool freedom. So, thanks for work on your schedule around me. 

Marlana   

Oh, absolutely. So, you know, when I was mentally preparing for all this, a thought came to mind that I had read it, in effect it was if you live by persons compliments, you will die by their criticism. And I thought that that was just such an appropriate thing for this conversation. Because how does that affect our success and our self-worth and our all those things going forward conversation and community?  

Amber 

A lot of times we look for that validation from the people around us. And that will that's what causes So many of the crashes that people have later on in their careers in their life is that they have chased that Person who thought this would be a good idea. So, let me do that. So, they'll like me, when really what we need is that internal validation and that internal compliment, which is the most uncomfortable to give. And So, I really think I love that quote. And I think it could be expanded on by saying that the moment that you start chasing internal compliments, is that moment that things kind of fall into place for you. 

Marlana   

And those seem to be the most elusive. So, how do we actually catch those fleeing critters. 

Amber   

So, I think that every Person is different. And this is where what I do with NLP comes into play So much, because for those who aren't familiar with NLP, or neurolinguistics programming, it's the science behind the way that we see the world based upon the experiences that we've had. So, there are Some things that are universally accepted. And one of them that I find is almost universally accepted is that we live in a society where we were told not to brag not to compliment ourselves to compliment others. Now, there are exceptions to every rule in parents who raised their children to be complimentary of themselves. And they found this amazing balance between being confident and being egotistical. And that's the other thing too is our society teaches us that confidence is egotistical until you get to a point where confidence is sexy and attractive. And let me just say interject 

Marlana   

one thing. It seems to be more So, for women than men. 

Amber   

Yeah, I agree with you. And I disagree with you. At the same time. I think that women express it more. I think that men feel it and then put up a mask that looks like strength. So, I believe in my experiences that it affects both equally. It's just easier and more Socially accepted for us to talk about it. And So, we think about it that way. 

Marlana   

See, and I would have thought exactly the opposite that for women to express their strength, for women to brag So to speak. It's more looked down upon than if a man does it because of a man Yeah.  

Amber   

Then that's showing me clarify because I see what I see what you're saying. And I agree with you. If a So, there's this area, right if we're looking at this as a scale or a graph, there's this middle area that is like true confidence and anybody who Seen it or been around it or felt that energy, like, it's totally infectious, attractive and happiness, right? Like, you just want to be around that person because they truly believe in themselves. By believing in themselves and being confident in themselves, they believe in others and be confident in others. But then there's these ends of the spectrum that are filled with fake confidence. And that's where I think the masks for men show up. And the other side of it of the ego. So, it either comes off on one end, as I don't like anybody, I got this mask up, don't talk to me. Or for women resting bitchface, right? Don't talk to me. Or it comes up on the other side, as I know everything. I don't need anybody to tell me to look at me. Look how amazing I am. Don't talk to me. Now, that side of the spectrum, I feel like is more accepting of women than men? I feel like if women are there, then they're unrealistic and bitchy. And who do they think they are? And if men are there, they're just being met. Right? So, I agree with you there. But that that middle area where we all want to be, I think is as equally evasive for men and women. It's just those spectrums that we accept differently. 

Marlana   

So, how do we get to the middle? 

Amber   

Oh, all right. So, we were talking a few minutes ago about that universal or almost universal belief that it's not okay to compliment yourself. It's really interesting, because we don't talk about our successes, we talked about other people's successes, but then we can't talk about our failures either, because then we're just asking for pity. So, you're only supposed to talk about the things that go right. But then you're being fake, right? So, there's all of these rules that go on, that we in our minds have created based upon what societal expectations we were raised with. And the short and simple but not easy answer is to get rid of all of that. And to be willing to talk about your successes as much as you talk about your failures, and to be willing to compliment yourself as much as you compliment other people. And to be willing to sit in a space of love, peace and acceptance with yourself the same way that you would sit in a space of love, peace and acceptance with somebody else. I said it was simple, not easy, it's incredibly difficult to do. Because we have to quiet that voice in our head. That tells us that what we're doing is wrong or unacceptable, or we're going to be rejected because of it. And in the end, when you choose to do that, you're actually more accepted because of it. 

Marlana   

And I know yet another thing that I read at one point, little quote was that you would stop worrying about what other people think of you when you realize how little they do. Yeah! No, we're not on everybody's radar. It's So, 

Amber   

Yeah! No, we're not on everybody's radar. It's So true. So, without going scientifical, I try So hard to stay out of like the NLP science side of it, because it's So deep. The reality is our unconscious minds which run 90% of everything we do stop developing at the ages of about eight. So, we have an eight year old running our life. What happens when you walk into a room or when you're in a room talking and an eight year old walks in, and you stop talking? The first thing, whether it's things were you talking about me? Our unconscious mind takes everything, personally, everything. And this is why whenever you're giving advice to somebody, many times you're actually giving advice to yourself. Or whenever you're looking at somebody and saying God, I can't believe that she did, that she's such a jerk. Like she's So full of herself. And I don't know why she thinks she can dress like that. What you're actually saying is, I could never dress like that. I can't believe that she would do that because I would feel uncomfortable in that situation. Or you're saying I could don't dress like that. If you ever dress like that, then this is what people are going to think about you. We don't realize that this is where that fine line between self-deprecating humor becomes So, dangerous, is our brains don't understand the difference between truth and fiction. This is why visualization works. This is why we like TV and movies and books So, much is because our brain takes it as real. This is why we can have a human connection and cry when somebody in a movie dies knowing that the actor that played that Person is doing an interview 10 minutes later and they're fine. It's because our brain takes everything as fat. So, when you say oh my gosh, that I did that again. I guess you can't trust me. What you're saying is you really can't trust what your brain doesn't understand. So, when I hear somebody who needs to deflect by self-deprecating humor, it's So, dangerous. So, with that being said, I found this because I needed it right. And I was suffering panic house, I was suffering from anxiety attacks, I needed Something to help me grow my business. And I found NLP. And I went through all the trainings, and I did the work. And I learned about myself, and I learned about the way that the mind works. And about a year and a half into my training. I was at the end of one of our sessions, and I stood up in front of the group that we've been working with our class for that training. And I was giving a debrief of what my experiences had been like. And all of a sudden, they started crying. And my coach and mentor says, are you okay? And I said, it's quiet. And she says, in the room, and I said, No, in my head, I said, the voices that I've constantly had to talk over, that tell me that I'm not wearing the right thing, or I didn't do my hair the right way. Or nobody wants to hear what I'm saying, or they just want me to sit down or they're laughing at me because of my weight, or am I too skinny? Or what am I too, we all have that, right? And for the first time in my life, they weren't there, and they have never come back. There's doubt, and there's fear, and there's human emotions. But that, as we call it, itty bitty shitty committee that sits in your head and constantly tells you that nobody wants to hear what you have to say, or you're doing the wrong thing is gone. So, the best answer I can give people is to trust the process and uncomfortably do the work until those voices go away. 

Marlana   

What do you think was the real catalyst for you or the tipping point for you in all of it? And throughout the NLP process are the decision to go to it? 

Amber   

Okay, Alright! So, the decision to go to it, I feel like is where I'll start, because it's one that affects So, many people. I lost, you know, my story, but I've had a long history with loss in my life. I, my first experience with suicide was when I was eight years old, and my cousin committed suicide, lost my uncle to suicide when I was 16, lost my dad in an accident at 18. And I shut down. And when my dad passed away, and I went to a doctor's appointment, within like a week for Something unrelated, they tried to medicate me with depression medication, because I must be sad. So, I need depression medication. And in my head, I just told you that the brain learns from experience. And So, to me, if I talk to anybody about what happened with my dad, they weren't gonna medicate me. So, I couldn't talk about it.  

For 15 years, I never went to grief counseling. I never talked about my dad in an emotional way. In a public forum, I talked about intellectually, it's one of the reasons that I chose to go to law school, not to honor him, but to run from the emotions that I didn't want to feel about his loss. Because I tell people all the time, that it's really ironic. And then when I learned about it not So ironic, that I chose one of the least emotional professions to go into, after all of the trauma that I had, and how emotional that profession really is. We just refuse to feel it, which is where we're at right now. Right? So, for 15 years, I compartmentalized. I ran from my emotions, I refuse to feel I wonder why all my relationships failed. Because I didn't understand that you can't hide certain emotions and feel others. And in 2016, I was living the life that was supposed to take it all the way. You talked about it in the beginning, my I'll be happy when moment. And I wasn't frickin happy. And all of a sudden, instead of all the rainbows and sunshine and happiness this was supposed to bring. I was insane when I was still numb, and I was exhausted. And that's where the panic attacks and anxiety attacks came from. So, I started going to therapy. And in therapy, I was talking to my therapist, maybe two months in and they said, You know, I just feel like such a failure. And she says, Amber, you have a six figure income. You have a law degree, you're the first person in your family, go to college, you live by yourself, you support yourself, you don't rely on anybody. You're respected in your profession. I could go on and on. What does success mean to you? I don't know, nobody's ever asked me that.  

So, that was kind of the first step of realizing that I didn't know what success meant to me and realizing that it didn't have to be the prestige and the respect and the money that came along with being an attorney. So, when I opened my business, I realized that I knew absolutely nothing about running a business. So, I started to try to find business seminars. And one of the seminars that I walked into was NLP based talking about you get to achieve the success that you want to have, will combine the fact that I didn't know what success meant for me with the fact that Somebody here was telling me how I could have it. Those two things seemed contradictory to me. And I wanted to explore that more, which is why I went down that path. I feel like this is important to go into because what I did is So common, and I was So manipulative, and So emotionally controlling to the people around me, and I had no idea, no idea whatsoever. It showed up as calling the people that I was dating constantly, it showed up as a complete lack of trust. But what that looked like was wanting to be with them all the time and being clingy and attached at the hip. It showed up as expressing whatever emotions I needed to express to get Somebody to do what I wanted them to do. And I didn't even know that I was doing it. What led to my panic attacks and anxiety attacks was I was away from Las Vegas at Some court appearances in Reno. And I got into an argument with the person I was dating at the time. And all of the emotionally manipulative things that I would do in the past don't work when Somebody won't pick up their phone. And for the first time in my life, I was left to me. I was left to sit with myself and deal with my own emotions and talk myself off, why am I feeling like this. And I didn't have the tools and resources to do that. So, I hyperventilated in a corner for four days. So, I call her therapist while I'm up. And this is the most important part of my journey. I called a therapist while I was in Reno, booked an appointment filled out the intake packet because you're in that pain point, right? It sucks, you feel it. And then I get home, and my axe picks me up at the airport. And life is normal again. And I'm fine. And I don't really need to go talk to anybody because I'm okay. Right. And So, this is really 15 years of my cycle is I'm really sad. I'm really sad. Let me manipulate my situation to control what I can, now I feel better because I'm in control.  

So, I don't really need to talk to anybody. And God bless him. He edits my podcasts. Now he's my best friend, we never dated after that moment, but he's my best friend. He looked at me and said, What do you have to lose? You've paid the first console, you filled out all the forms, like all you have to do is show up. If you go and you don't need it, you haven't lost anything that you haven't already done. I was like, Well, I guess I'll go just So, I can prove to you that I don't need therapy, and then 90 minutes of bawling later because I didn't need therapy. I worked with her for another year. So, I go this deep into this story. Because So many people are living that cycle, I want to talk to Somebody, I want help, I need help. I want to learn this, I want to get out of my career I want to whatever that is for you. But then Something happens to normalize the way that you feel and it's never healthy. It's never a healthy response. And then all of a sudden, you're fine until you're not. And then when you're not fine. The only thing you can think about is how do I get fine again, but then as soon as you're fine, you don't need it. And I continued living the cycle until my mind, my body, my soul, everything said you can't do this anymore. And it showed up as panic and anxiety.  

So, that's the first thing I want people to understand is that it's okay to not be okay. And it's okay to go talk to Somebody and it's okay to acknowledge that you need Something and don't know what that Something is and bring Somebody into your life that can help you find that where the turning point came in my actual transformation is throughout the NLP process throughout the training,