113 – I Was Loved Everyday By People I Didn’t Know

Who Am I Really?

English - March 21, 2020 10:00 - 48 minutes - 66.3 MB - ★★★★★ - 211 ratings
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Previous Episode: 112 – My Whole Life Is a Success

Next Episode: 114 – My Two Moms

Carrie called me from Lynchburg, Virginia. In her journey you’ll hear her talk about the moment she realized she was found, and how she was in contact with her birth parents at the same time one the same day. Carrie talks about two amazing reunions: one where she got to see her birth mother in competition, the other where she got to meet her maternal and paternal siblings together. She also talks about herself as an adoptive mother to a special young man who came into her life at a time when he needed her most. This is Carrie’s journey…

Carrie (00:03):

One reason why it's all been so positive for me is that, you know, the minute I learned that they were looking for me, it was kind of like, Oh, well, they really did want me, you know, like they really did. You know, it wasn't like I was just discarded or somebody's secret or anything. No.

Damon (00:25):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and on today's show is Carrie. She called me from Lynchburg, Virginia, in her journey you'll hear her talk about the moment she realized she was found and how she was in contact with her birth parents at the same time. On the same day, Carrie talks about two amazing reunions. One where she got to see her birth mother in competition, the other, where she got to meet her maternal and paternal siblings together. She also talks about herself as an adoptive mother to a special young man who came into her life at a time when he needed her most. This is Carrie's journey.

Damon (01:29):

I had the good fortune to interview Carrie on January 2nd, 2020. I wished her a happy new year and added what a special anniversary this day was in her life. One year ago, that day was the first time Carrie had received an email from her biological mother over the holidays. Last year, she received a generic piece of mail that looked like a credit card offer or something. So she just stuffed it in her purse and dismissed it on new year's Eve. She was cleaning out her purse when she found the correspondence that said the sender's client was looking for someone that they thought might be Carrie, the woman who sent the letter was out for the holidays. So she didn't receive Carrie's reply until she returned to the office on January 2nd, 2019. Before we get to that though, let's go back to the beginning. I mean, you didn't think we were just going to jump right into the good part. Did you? I asked Carrie to tell me about adoption for her as a kid in her family and in her community. She said she was adopted at six weeks old from Catholic family services in Roanoke, Virginia. She grew up in a small town called Alta Vista, South of Lynchburg, Virginia.

Carrie (02:45):

I have had the most amazing parents. I mean, I have never wanted for anything. I've never known anything other than a house full of love, um, which has been super amazing. And, um, I think actually kind of this year has really highlighted that more for me...

Carrie (00:03):

Damon (00:25):

Damon (01:29):

Carrie (02:45):

Damon (03:08):

Carrie had one brother, six years older than her. So he had his own set of friends. She said she was alone a lot. So she played make-believe games, did art and entertained herself. In her small town she grew up through school with nearly all of the same friends until she went away to college. She said when she was a kid, people in the community would often say she looked like her adopted mother.

Carrie (03:34):

She would look at me and be like, should we tell him? And so we would always say, you know, well, I'm adopted. And so I've known, you know, since before I can remember that I was adopted, um, it's never been secret or anything, you know, I don't even really remember how I found out. Uh, I just know that I've always known

Damon (03:53):

Carrie said she always got support, love, hugs, and kisses. She can't even remember any tough discipline growing up. Carrie said she could go on and on about her parents and how she shares their taste in music. She's good at fixing things like her father and she enjoys having her mother edit her writing, even though as an English teacher, she can be pretty brutal. Carrie said that as adults, she and her brother have gotten closer these days, enjoying memories with their parents. Carrie went to show on university in North Carolina, graduating with a graphic design degree, then went on to old dominion university, achieving a master's in higher education. When she met her husband back in the Hampton roads area at ODU, they decided to move back to Lynchburg. So with what sounds like a wonderful life and no gaping holes to fill in her identity, I asked if she ever wanted to search for her biological relatives, access to the internet, sparked a nascent curiosity that had her going online, adding her name to adoption registries. But it was just a mild curiosity because it was the first time she had that level of access to information. Then a few years later,

Carrie (05:08):

Maybe two or three years into our marriage, um, uh, we were talking about, you know, maybe having kids and seeing how that would go. Um, you know, that got me really curious as far as like my medical history and all that kind of stuff, which I think is pretty common. A big question people have when they're adopted is, you know, what the heck? And especially like going to the doctors throughout my whole life, they're like, what's your family history? And I had to go through the whole thing. I don't know. You know? So, um, finally I was like, well, if I'm gonna try to bring a child into the world and I probably should have some information,

Damon (05:48):

One of Carrie's friends who had done extensive adoption research, turned his skills towards her story. Then he gave her some information about herself on a whim, on a shopping trip in Roanoke, Virginia, about an hour from her home, Carrie proposed dropping into the courthouse. She gave the clerk, the information, her friend had dug up about her. The woman went away, but came back empty handed, saying her records were sealed and Carrie would have to petition the court to access them. She wasn't so interested in accessing her information that she wanted to pursue a court case. So she just kind of let it go. That was five years ago, a short while after that, Carrie is going to work on the final day of a job that she was miserable in on that very last day of work.

Carrie (06:39):

I got an email from a guy, um, who thought that he might be my brother and he thought I was his sister. I mean, he had just learned that his mom has had a baby and given her up for adoption, same day that I was born from the same hospital where I was born. And so he was trying to find his sister. And so he had found my information on whatever that site was that I had registered on years ago. And so he just reached out to me, hoping that I was his sister and I wasn't, but I know it's really weird is this guy actually lived in the town where I had worked for four years. And I got the email from him the last day that I worked there because I had quit my job. And so it was my final day driving to this place. And this kid had emailed me and we shared pictures and I was convinced that we were, we were related, even people near me. You know, my friends were like, Oh my gosh, he looks just like you, you know, that can really be your brother. That's a very strange, very strange.

Damon (07:37):

In December, 2018, Carrie got the nondescript letter that she thought looked like junk mail, but for whatever reason, she kept and put in her purse on Christmas Eve, Carrie cleaned out her purse and she opened the letter. She had stowed away. The author alluded to their client who was searching for a biological relative that the sender thought could possibly be Carrie and asked her to email or call.

Carrie (08:04):

Even when I finally opened it, I was like, Oh gosh, am I gonna, what am I going to do? Is this is Pam? I don't know. Do I want it? You nail them. I know it was crazy in my head for a little bit.

Damon (08:13):

I can only imagine the woman was out of the office for the holiday break. So she emailed Carrie back on January 2nd, 2019. Carrie works as the secretary for a church that afternoon. It was quiet at work. No one was around just Carrie. The woman returned Carrie's email early that afternoon, asking for confirming details about her biological family to determine if they had made a match. Carrie confirmed her date of birth, the hospital, where she was born and the organization through which she was adopted. She also highlighted that her birth mother had five siblings, a distinguishing factor from the young man who reached out to about possibly being her brother. His mother only had one brother, the woman emailed a reply to say she was going to touch base with her client. Then get back to Carrie.

Carrie (09:06):

And like 20 minutes later, she emailed me again. And she said that, um, her client said that all of those things matched, you know, she had those many sisters and the knee surgery and she wanted to be a writer and she played softball and all these little things. And, uh, and that she was very, very certain that Pam was my biological mother. And so she asked what I wanted to do if I wanted to call her or what. And I said, well, just give her an email address for now, because this is so new. And you know, I'm like freaking out in the office. I'm like hyperventilating and crying. And like, nobody's there to help me with this or witnessed this happening, which I'm kinda thankful for. Cause it was nice to have my own private moment, I guess it was just really cool. And then maybe 10 minutes later, Pam emailed me and she said, hi, I'm Pam. And a lady tells me that you're in my birth. You know, my biological daughter. And um, you know, it was a very introductory email, you know, she's like, I live with my husband, we had two children, you know, it was just very basic. Like I'm Pam. I would love to get to know you

Damon (10:18):

In reply. Carrie wrote back how crazy the whole thing was and that she was glad Pam had found her. Of course, in that brief period between Pam searcher, finding Carrie and Pam writing back, Carrie had Facebook investigated Pam. She saw Pam's photo a picture of her half sister and already recognized how much they looked alike during the email exchange. Pam asked if she could share Carrie's email address with her birth father and Carrie said, yes.

Carrie (10:51):

So then later in the evening he actually emailed me too. So I heard from both of them in the same day, it was nice. It was. Yeah. Yeah. So they're not together. Um, they were not together after my conception.

Damon (11:07):

I reiterated to Carrie what a massively heavy day. It must have been for her going from a letter. She nearly threw away before the holidays to emailing with both of her parents in the new year. She said the whole thing was just nuts in the best way possible. She described it like a lifetime movie playing out in front of her, except it was about her. Since Carrie was introduced to both of her birth parents on the same day, we decided to focus on her birth mother's piece of their story first. Pam sent Carrie a Facebook request to be in closer contact, but Carrie waited a while to accept the new connection. She wanted to make sure she spoke with her parents first. So they knew all that had happened so rapidly. And wouldn't surprised Carrie and Pam texted back and forth on Facebook messenger. First communicating with ease.

Carrie (12:01):

You just chatted. I mean like we had, you know, just known each other for a long time already. I mean, it was just, it was so easy. I mean she know questions, like why did you give me up for adoption? And you know what, my medical history and you know, all these, I mean, I asked all the questions and it was like one 24 hour period. Every question of my life has been answered. Um, so that was pretty amazing.

Damon (12:29):

And what was the story that she told you?

Carrie (12:32):

Um, well she says that her parents, she got pregnant when she was 17. Um, and her parents were not okay with it. Um, they were about their appearance and didn't like how that would look for their family. Um, and so they sent her away, um, when she was like four, four months pregnant, I think, um, to live with her sister in Roanoke, which is how I came to be in Virginia because the rest of the family is in Arizona. So that's actually something pretty crazy is, um, you know, I never in my whole entire life ever imagined that my biological family members would be anywhere other than Roanoke. And I know that's kind of small minded, I think, but looking back, I think it is, but it's, you know, I just never even thought, Oh, that could be somewhere else. And I can remember going to Roanoke, you know, we wouldn't go there often, but I mean, it's closer, bigger metropolis metropolis area from Lynchburg, we'd go there to shop or whatever.

Carrie (13:36):

And I can remember being hyper aware of the faces that I would see in Roanoke thinking, Oh my gosh, that person could be my mother or that person could be my brother or whatever. And we actually went to Roanoke not too long after the first email exchanges. And I remember thinking on the way there, you know, I don't, I don't have to do that anymore cause I know who the people are now and they're not in Roanoke. So her parents sent her away, um, and said, you know, go live with your sister and run off, have a baby. And if you want to come back and don't bring the baby back. And I think it was much worse than that. I mean, it's easier to talk about it for me because I mean, I was, you know, I was a baby I don't, I don't remember any of that, you know, but I know that it was very hurtful for Pam. I can't imagine being a 17 year old pregnant woman and going through that, I mean, it was 80, it was 1982 and they sent her away. I was born in 83. So, you know, unwed mothers was a big taboo thing. I mean,

Damon (14:34):

And even the way you described it, it may not have been verbatim what they said to her, but just the way you termed it, if you want to come back, don't bring the baby back. That in and of itself is harsh and like decisions

Damon (14:52):

It's yeah, it's up to you. Um, and you know, you can either come back and be part of this family or by, and that sounds horrible.

Carrie (15:01):

Yeah. I can imagine. I cannot imagine my parents trying to tell