The White House is Getting a Cat! (And More POLITICS News)

Biden gave a speech in Congress, which was historic mainly because it was the first time the president's 2nd and 3rd in line of succession were two women, which Vice President Harris and Speaker Pelosi celebrated with a cool little elbow-bump. It was a scene that had every woman in America wondering, how high is Biden's cholesterol exactly?

Republican Liz Cheney responded to critics who slammed her for giving President Biden a fist-bump before his address to Congress by saying "We're not sworn enemies. We're Americans". You gotta understand, in the Cheney family, a fist bump is the highest form of respect. The second highest is a shotgun blast to the face.

Did you guys catch this? Ted Cruz was caught napping during Biden’s speech, which he later called "boring but radical". Well Sleepy Ted, maybe if you hadn't been dozing off, you would have noticed your father assassinating JFK!

In conspiracy theory news, the latest lie conservatives are spreading is that Joe Biden is banning red meat, which of course is not even slightly true. In fact, Joe loves beef so much, he just invited Kanye and Taylor Swift to the White House on the same day.

Another lie Fox News is pushing is that Kamala Harris' book was being given out to all migrant children, which was such a fake story, the "journalist'' who wrote it quit the New York Post for forcing her to write it. Look, if anyone does plan to give a book to every migrant child, might I suggest Derek Taylor Kent's bilingual classic, El Perro con Sombrero. My friend Derek assures you that I will receive no kickbacks for the ensuing bulk sales.

In White House pet news, the Bidens will be getting a cat as the newest four-legged member of the first family, and their German Shepherd "Major" is currently being trained to accept him. The real breakthrough was when they realized the way to get Major to respect the cat is by naming him "General". It goes against the previous administration's tradition of naming pussies lurking around the White House "Jared Kushner".

Finally, big news for the wax world: Kamala Harris will be Madame Tussaud's first ever vice president wax statue. Here's the clay model of Kamala they're using. Something's off, it doesn't seem creepy enough. There we go.