What You Need to Know with Geoff Plitt
116 episodes - English - Latest episode: over 2 years ago -Geoff Plitt delivers the news with a twist. TikTok's #1 satirical news source is now available as a podcast! New jokes about the news almost every day.
Catch up on the news through humor, because comedy is always a current event.
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August 30, 2021 17:15 - 11 seconds - 470 KBFollow Geoff Plitt / What You Need to Know on TikTok, Twitter, and Instagram
Joe Rogan Spent 20 Minutes In an Ice Bath on Camera?! (And More ENTERTAINMENT News)
August 20, 2021 00:17 - 1 minute - 1.57 MBA viral video has emerged of Joe Rogan spending 20 minutes in an ice bath. You know, it's nice to see Rogan finally shriveling something else besides the minds of his listeners. In the UK, a Brad Pitt look-alike says he had to delete dating apps after being "stalked" by women. Apparently it got real bad when he wouldn't be left alone by a Jennifer Aniston look alike. And you know what? It's exactly the same for us "Sprint Guy" lookalikes. Exactly the same. Did you guys catch this? LeVar Bu...
Donald Trump Says LeBron James Should Get Sex Reassignment Surgery? (And More POLITICS News)
August 11, 2021 21:00 - 1 minute - 3.23 MBCheck this out. The latest Biden gaffe is, Joe claims he used to drive an 18-wheeler. Maybe he's thinking of an Amtrak train? They have at least 18 wheels. Oh, I'm getting an update: he now claims he remembers when there weren't any wheels. In White House news, Biden has ordered immigration judges to stop using the term "alien". Instead, they must now use the term "future democrat". Did you guys catch this? Donald Trump said LeBron James should get "sex reassignment surgery" and compete in...
FAA Says Bezos is NOT an Astronaut?! (And More CRAZY News Stories)
August 03, 2021 01:07 - 1 minute - 4.11 MBIn Insurrection news, the Capitol rioter known as the "QAnon Shaman" is negotiating a deal to plead guilty under reduced charges due to a mental health disorder. Woah, woah, woah. You're telling me this guy has a screw loose? I can't see it. Here's something gross. A video has emerged showing a woman's landlord sneaking into her room and sniffing her sheets. In his defense, he said he had Covid and this is the best way to get back his sense of smell. In Jeff Bezos news, America's least fav...
Conor McGregor's Bought a Lamborghini Yacht?! (And More ENTERTAINMENT News)
July 30, 2021 18:18 - 1 minute - 4.3 MBIn New Jersey, a girl was caught on video on an amusement park ride getting smacked in the face by a seagull. In a related story, the Seagull News Network, SNN, says there's an alarming up-tick in human girls getting in the way while you're trying to fly away from New Jersey. In the Netherlands, there's a new record for the world's most-expensive burger; at $7k a plate. Wow, inflation is getting out of control. Apparently it comes with King Crab, Dom Perignon-battered onion rings, Italian W...
A New Pregnant Man Emoji? (And More CRAZY News Stories)
July 27, 2021 01:48 - 1 minute - 3.59 MBGood news, emoji fans. There will be several new emojis later this year-- including a pregnant man. It's perfect for everyday scenarios like when your friend says "whatcha doing" and you don't have the energy to write back "I'm watching that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, JUNIOR." In nutrition news, food experts are reminding people that Pringles, Pop Tarts, Fruit by the Foot, Ritz Crackers, Bagels, and Swedish Fish, are all part of a Vegan diet. I guess that's true, but guess what? If you ea...
South Korea's Toilet Turns Poop Into Bitcoin!? (And More INTERNATIONAL News)
July 25, 2021 19:05 - 1 minute - 3.19 MBIn Malaysia, police destroyed 1,069 bitcoin mining computers with a huge steamroller. Asked how he felt when he heard about this, Elon Musk said "it's difficult"). In the UK, a pair of underwear once worn by Hitler's wife sold for $4k at auction. The sick part is, you just know whoever bought them is wearing them right now. In the UK, a man is lucky to be alive after using what he thought was an electric shaver but turned out to be a taser. Not so lucky: it was the one day a month that he ...
Candace Owens Brother Says Slavery Was "Never a Race Thing"? (And More POLITICS News)
July 21, 2021 18:12 - 1 minute - 4.5 MBIn Fox News news, the network aired a bizarre segment where they had on Candace Owen's brother, Ty Smith, who claims that slavery was "never a race thing". Way to go Fox News, you finally found someone crazier than Candace Owens. Amazing to have all that dumb in one family. Check this out. In insurrection news, while raiding the home of a Jan 6 rioter, the FBI found a perfect built-to-scale model of the US Capitol, made out of LEGOs. The guy was charged with 10 counts of being a huge nerd. ...
UK Man is First to Break his Penis Vertically?! (And More CRAZY News Stories)
July 14, 2021 22:21 - 1 minute - 3.09 MBGet this. In New Zealand, a man set his house on fire after trying to cook steak in his toaster. Well done, sir. Well done. I hope there wasn't much damage... to the steak. In South America, a restaurant's chicken wings are so good, a guy refused to stop eating them while being robbed at gunpoint. It was the second time that day the customer had yelled out, "Just take my money!!" Here's something sad. Last week, a wedding chef died after falling into a vat of chicken soup he was preparing....
Bezos and Branson's Billionaire Space Race (And More ENTERTAINMENT News)
July 10, 2021 03:07 - 1 minute - 3.73 MBIn Olympics news, Sha’Carri Richardson has been disqualified from the 100m dash for a positive marijuana test. I don't see how getting *high would even help you in the 100m dash…. now pole vaulters, that's a different story. Weed enthusiasts have already named a new strain after her: Hundred-meter Hash. In a move many are saying is racist, the Tokyo Olympics has banned swim caps designed for afros, aka the "Soul Cap". Why are they so afraid of that? They should be focused on banning someth...
Mark Zuckerberg's Cringey American Flag Video (And More POLITICS News)
July 09, 2021 01:46 - 1 minute - 3.77 MBIn Facebook news, Mark Zuckerberg posted a cringey video of himself foil surfing while holding an American flag. Hey at least it's better than his old hobby: foiling democracy. Facebook is testing prompts that ask users if they're worried a friend is "becoming an extremist". The way it works is, if you select "yes", that friend will be all you ever see on your feed. And does extreme sports count as extremism? 'Cause I know a guy. In Donald Trump news, Junior may have accidentally ruined h...
Companies Advertising in Our Dreams? (And More CRAZY News Stories)
July 06, 2021 21:40 - 1 minute - 2.87 MBIn Florida, a woman named Booze crashed into a Taco Bell sign while driving drunk. She was sentenced to 30 days in jail and has to legally change her name to "Sobriety". Here's something scary. A group of researchers is calling for regulations on "dream advertising", warning that your Alexa device may soon be used to play ads while you sleep. Hey Alexa... why do I have a craving for Burger King's new hand-breaded chicken sandwich? -"Sweet dreams, Geoff". In space news, scientists have iden...
Marvel's Loki is Bisexual! (And More ENTERTAINMENT News)
July 02, 2021 18:29 - 1 minute - 3.6 MBIn Marvel's Avengers news, the director behind the new "Loki" series has confirmed that the god of mischief is bisexual. I guess that explains why I caught him checking out my Asgard! Asked how he feels after experimenting with the same sex, Loki said "thor". Did you guys catch this? Britney Spears is finally opening up in court about the awful details of her conservatorship, including that her father forced her to wear an IUD, wouldn't let her get married, and made her perform while runnin...
QAnon Spreading in Yoga Communities? (And More POLITICS News)
June 30, 2021 23:23 - 1 minute - 2.9 MBCheck this out. According to a new book, President Trump asked his DOJ to make Saturday Night Live stop teasing him. They ignored him of course, but you know, it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to know that on some level, Pete Davidson is more powerful than Bill Barr. In Kamala news, now that Vice President Harris has visited El Paso, right-wingers have predictably switched from "Why won't she visit the border" to "How dare she visit the border". Right on schedule. Meanwhile, Taco Bell fans a...
Dippin' Dots CEO Sued Over Revenge Porn?! (And Other CRAZY News Stories)
June 28, 2021 22:42 - 1 minute - 2.93 MBIn ice cream news, the CEO of Dippin' Dots has been sued by his ex-girlfriend over alleged revenge porn. I'm shocked! The CEO of Dippin' Dots had a girlfriend? My sources say the most embarrassing part of the video is that she's eating Häagen-Dazs. Did you guys catch this? A petition with thousands of signatures is demanding that Jeff Bezos not be allowed to return back to earth from his trip to space. Oh, I'm getting an update: 100% of the signatures are from his ex-wife. In India, the ma...
AstraZeneca Vaccine Not Good Enough to See Bruce on Broadway? (And More ENTERTAINMENT News)
June 26, 2021 22:36 - 1 minute - 3.85 MBListen up, HBO Max customers: thousands of viewers, myself included, received a strange email with subject line "Integration Test #1", causing the company to issue an apology, saying "Yes, it was the intern". At first I thought "well they should fire that kid", but then I realized, I'm kind of looking forward to the Integration Test season finale. Oh I'm getting an update: they're about to punish the intern, let's cut to the live feed. In Supermodel news, Emily Ratajkowski is being "mom sha...
Congress Finally Approves Juneteenth as Federal Holiday (And More POLITICS News)
June 24, 2021 19:10 - 1 minute - 3.56 MBTrump has announced he's writing a memoir, which he says will be "the book of all books". Ah, the books of all books written by the crook of all crooks. It'll be the first presidential memoir where the administration's accomplishments fit in a single footnote. Perfect book to pass the time while you're in prison for insurrection. Quick QAnon update. The latest conspiracy theory is they think there's a secret meaning behind the death of President Biden's dog champ. I did some digging and fou...
Donald Trump to be Re-Inaugurated in August?! (And More POLITICS News)
June 11, 2021 04:41 - 1 minute - 2.94 MBIn Donald Trump news, the former president says he will be reinstated as president by August. That'll be an interesting inaugural address. Not the speech-- the physical address--which will either be Leavenworth or Folsom prison. In Oklahoma, a highway was just named after Trump. If you want to know the exact location, it's the only patch of highway where all the cars drive in the far right lane. Did you guys catch this? John Hinckley Jr, the man who shot and almost killed President Reagan,...
Is Tesla Spying on You While You Drive? (And More CRAZY News Stories)
June 06, 2021 19:31 - 1 minute - 3.37 MBIn space news, Japan is planning to send a "transforming robot" to the Moon in 2022. Apparently the robot's primary mission will be TO FIND THE ALL SPARK! This is cool. NASA's rover on Mars has successfully split CO2 to make breathable air using an instrument called "Moxie". Now there's a rover with verve... panache... chutzpah even. But moxie? That's a stretch. And I expected more from you, NASA. In case you missed it last week, a "super blood moon" lit up skies around the world. You coul...
Kim Kardashian Failed the Bar Exam? (And Other U.S. News)
June 04, 2021 21:07 - 1 minute - 4.26 MBIn Trump crime family news, the indictment is moving forward with a grand jury. When Trump heard that he said "That's right, it's the grandest, hugest, most beautiful jury in the history of juries." Quick QAnon update: the latest conspiracy theory is that UFO footage seen in the news lately is fake, and meant to distract us from voter fraud. So let me get this straight, they think UFOs are fake? They've gone so down the rabbit hole of conspiracies, they're back to... the truth? In old whit...
Alabama Lifts Ban on Yoga in Public Schools (And More CRAZY News Stories)
June 01, 2021 18:49 - 1 minute - 2.99 MBHere's something bizarre. The CDC made a statement warning people not to kiss or snuggle poultry right now, due to salmonella. Wait, no kissing *or* snuggling? Is the CDC run by my ex? In Alabama, lawmakers have lifted a ban on yoga in public schools. Still banned in Alabama schools... science! In New York, Governor Andrew Cuomo has announced a "Vax & Scratch" lottery incentive for New York vaccinations. To win, you must be vaccinated and not one of Cuomo's sexual harassment accusers. Qui...
Indiana Jones 5 Set in Space? (And More ENTERTAINMENT News)
May 28, 2021 19:50 - 1 minute - 3.1 MBReports say "Indiana Jones 5" will take place in space. Indiana Jones fans everywhere responded, "He chose...poorly." Apparently most of the budget is allocated to filling a spaceship with snakes. And I'm still waiting for an Indiana Jones that will take place in goddam Indiana like it's supposed to! In White House news, the president is teaming up with dating apps to add special badges for those who are vaccinated. It's all part of Biden's plan to *really* bring this country together! In ...
Trump Organization Probe Upgraded to "Criminal"! (And More POLITICS news)
May 27, 2021 21:14 - 1 minute - 4.58 MBHere's something dumb. Rand Paul says he's not getting vaccinated because he already had Covid, which goes against CDC recommendations. He later said "But I could be swayed if you told me the vaccine came with a free perm". Good news! New York's attorney general has upgraded its investigation into the Trump family business to a "criminal" probe. Which means very soon every member of the Trump family will be standing in front of a judge and saying "I may have committed some light... treason"...
Bill Gates Divorce: Kids Getting "Only" $10M Each?! (And More CRAZY News Stories)
May 24, 2021 19:09 - 1 minute - 4.49 MBIn the Ukraine, the government has seized alcohol made from radioactive Chernobyl apples. You do NOT want to see the worms that were in those apples. And I can see the sales pitch now. "If you're tired of booze that puts hair on your chest, try one that makes it fall out of your head!". In conspiracy theory news, those pesky anti-maskers are up to no good again, and you won't believe this. They're now ready to wear masks-- to protect themselves from vaccinated people. I think the solution i...
UK Mom Live-Streaming Childbirth on OnlyFans, Selling Breastmilk Too?! (And More Entertainment News)
May 20, 2021 17:59 - 1 minute - 3.45 MBDue to shortages, Chick-fil-A is now rationing out one dipping sauce per entrée. But don't worry-- homophobia is still unlimited. This made me smile. Gwyneth Paltrow has gone viral again, for admitting that she "broke down and ate bread" during lockdown. We've obtained exclusive footage of Gwyneth moments after she tasted it. "It is a new world!" In the UK, a 39-year-old mom says she'll be live-streaming her next birth for $15k on OnlyFans and will even be selling the breast milk. And she'...
Tiffany Trump and Don Jr's Wife Hooked Up with Secret Service Bodyguards?! (And More POLITICS News)
May 19, 2021 19:04 - 1 minute - 1.31 MBIn Trump news, a new report says Donald's daughter Tiffany, and Don Jr's ex-wife Vanessa, both hooked up with secret service bodyguards. I guess that's why they just changed the agency's name to the "Well-I-Guess-the-Cat's-Out-of-the-Bag Service". Get this. There's a porn star running for governor of California, who has been campaigning mostly at strip clubs. My sources say she 's the first candidate to receive donations strictly in singles. And she's trending very high on the poles! In Oh...
Bill and Melinda Gates Getting Divorced (And More CRAZY News Stories)
May 17, 2021 20:49 - 2 minutes - 5.08 MBIn Space news, many Americans were worried last week about an out-of-control Chinese rocket stage that eventually crashed into the Indian Ocean. When Elon Musk heard that, he said, "wait a second, you can *control* rockets??" Move over, Octomom. A woman in Mali has given birth to nine babies. Even stranger, the mom's name is Molly and she loves ecstasy. So the babies were born to Molly in Mali on molly. Good golly! In insect news, scientists have taught bees to identify coronavirus-positi...
Elon Crashes Dogecoin While Appearing on SNL?! (And More ENTERTAINMENT News)
May 14, 2021 20:58 - 1 minute - 3.74 MBIn Saturday Night Live news, Elon Musk hosted SNL recently, which gave a big boost to ratings, but his favorite cryptocurrency Dogecoin, which had been on an epic upswing, crashed miserably. And they say Saturday Night Live isn't funny anymore. To the moon! In horse racing news, the Kentucky Derby champion, Medina Spirit, is under investigation for failing its drug test, but the trainer says it ate hay urinated on by a staff member who took cough medicine. Ah, the old "I ate tainted hay, I'...
Rudy Giuliani Firing his Entourage! (And More POLITICS News)
May 12, 2021 19:56 - 1 minute - 4.52 MBIn Giuliani news, Rudy is in big legal trouble, and is apparently so desperate for money, he's shrinking his "entourage". Oh no! That makes me sad. His entourage was my favorite TV show. This is great. John Cox, a Republican running to replace Gavin Newsom in the California recall, is complaining that his publicity stunt of using a live 1000-lb bear is only getting media coverage "for the bear". Mr. Cox later said in a statement "I'm asking people to stop focusing on the furry bear and sta...
Sales of Crocs are Soaring! (And More CRAZY News Stories)
May 10, 2021 21:37 - 2 minutes - 5.13 MBGood news for the West Coast: according to the COVID Data Tracker, California has the lowest rate of new Coronavirus cases in America. Good job guys! And to celebrate, we'll honor one of our state's oldest traditions: recalling the Governor. In tobacco news, the FDA says they're banning all menthol cigarettes and flavored cigars. Flavored cigars? What are the flavors? The only one I know is "old boomer asshole". In Torrance, a family came home to find an entire flock of birds had taken roo...
Snoop Dogg Smoked Weed with Obama in the White House?! (And More LAW and CRIME News)
May 07, 2021 20:33 - 1 minute - 3.68 MBHere's something fun. A lyric in a new Snoop Dogg song is getting attention for implying that he smoked weed with Barack Obama in the White House. Asked to comment, Michelle said "I told you guys greens are important." But the Obamas are concerned this could alter Barack's legacy and make him viewed as... even cooler than he already is. In Washington DC, two cop cars were totaled after officers did an illegal drag race. So *that's* why they always pull people over and ask "how fast do you t...
Joe Rogan Spreads Misinformation about the Vaccine (And Other ENTERTAINMENT News)
May 06, 2021 20:05 - 1 minute - 4.1 MBThis is amazing. Jim Acosta has finally had it with Fox News, and you've got to see this clip. ("Bullshit factory") Hey that's not a fair comparison. At least at a bullshit factory, you can take home some fertilizer. Score! In theme park news, Disneyland is finally open again, and photos have emerged of guests crying as they enter the park. Not because of the reopening, but because they quickly realized Galaxy's Edge is so underwhelming. Check this out. A video went viral that showed an IH...
The White House is Getting a Cat! (And More POLITICS News)
May 05, 2021 18:31 - 2 minutes - 5.76 MBBiden gave a speech in Congress, which was historic mainly because it was the first time the president's 2nd and 3rd in line of succession were two women, which Vice President Harris and Speaker Pelosi celebrated with a cool little elbow-bump. It was a scene that had every woman in America wondering, how high is Biden's cholesterol exactly? Republican Liz Cheney responded to critics who slammed her for giving President Biden a fist-bump before his address to Congress by saying "We're not sw...
Ted Nugent Gets Coronavirus "I Thought I Was Going to Die" (And More CRAZY News Stories)
May 04, 2021 18:40 - 1 minute - 3.85 MBIn pandemic news, Coronavirus is reaching new heights, literally, as new cases are popping up on Mount Everest. Climbing enthusiasts say climbing Mount Everest with COVID is the new Mount Everest. Here's something helpful. Neighborhood community app "Nextdoor" says they'll now alert a user if what they’re about to post is racist. That story one more time: there hasn't been a single post on NextDoor for weeks. In case you missed it, the Mormon Church has excommunicated a sex therapist who t...
Employee Says Panda Express is a Sex Cult?! (And More CRIME News)
May 03, 2021 21:12 - 1 minute - 3.28 MBIn China, a new app by the government asks citizens to report anyone who has "mistaken opinions". Apparently, the most jail time goes to people who say the Star Wars prequel movies are the best ones in the franchise. In California, a burglar was arrested for a break-in after his bodily fluids, one in particular, was found on a laptop with porn in the browser history. Now there's a guy who can take away but also give something back. The dumbest part of this whole story... he forgot to steal ...
Apple's New "AirTags" Help You Never Lose Anything Again (And More TECH News)
April 30, 2021 19:33 - 1 minute - 4.01 MBQuick update from Cupertino. Apple's hot new product is something called AirTags, which helps you find lost items. Apple says the AirTags will ensure you'll never lose anything again... except all your money on frivolous Apple purchases. Check this out. According to experts, American honey is radioactive from decades of nuclear bomb testing. So if your honey says "Grade A", now you know the "A" stands for "Atomic". And that's why just like radioactive waste, your honey lasts forever! This ...
Elon Musk is Hosting Saturday Night Live?! (And More ENTERTAINMENT News)
April 29, 2021 19:29 - 1 minute - 3.88 MBThis is nuts. LeBron James tweeted-and-then-deleted a reaction to the knife-wielding black woman who was shot by a white policeman, but O.J. Simpson of all people tweeted that LeBron should "Wait for the facts!" And if that doesn't work, run away from the facts in your Ford Bronco. Here's a headline that would have been bonkers a year ago: Armie Hammer’s disturbing sex slave instagram DMs are being sold as NFT art. That sounds like a bad idea, but as far as disturbing Armie Hammer art goes,...
Tucker Carlson's Meltdown About the Derek Chauvin Guilty Verdict (And More POLITICS News)
April 28, 2021 21:04 - 3 minutes - 6.98 MBWell, the Senate passed the COVID-19 Hate Crimes Act to combat hate crimes against Asian Americans by a vote of 94-1. The lone "no" vote was Josh Hawley, surprise surprise. My team found a fortune cookie Josh got at a Chinese restaurant the next day, and it said "You have no lucky numbers. Also you just ate poison." Tucker Carlson had a complete meltdown when his guest agreed with the Derek Chauvin guilty verdict. I'll bet when Tucker watches The Dark Knight he thinks Batman is the bad guy....
Christian Group Claims Doing Yoga Makes You Hindu?! (And More CRAZY News Stories)
April 27, 2021 19:13 - 1 minute - 4.15 MBQuick vaccine update. Johnson & Johnson's shot is on hold after a small number of people had blood clots. One thing's for sure: Johnson and Johnson is now anything but tear free. Good news, sunbathers. Researchers at Harvard have developed a new vaccine for skin cancer. "This is absolutely terrible news!" said the CEO of Banana Boat. In Pennsylvania, police have charged a man for burglarizing a woman's home and stealing her sex toys. He was sentenced to ten years of being his cellmate's se...
Dogecoin Surges 300% After Elon Musk's Tweets (And Other TECH News)
April 23, 2021 19:44 - 1 minute - 3.74 MBThis is so cool. NASA's "Ingenuity" helicopter made history on Mars by performing the first powered, controlled flight on another planet. My sources say it even spotted Matt Damon! We're coming for you soon, buddy! No we're not. More space news. Elon Musk's landed a $3B NASA contract for SpaceX to land the first woman on the Moon. Elon, if you're listening, I'd like to nominate Marjorie Taylor Greene, as long as we can use one of those SpaceX rockets that explodes every time it tries to lan...
Uber Doing Weed Delivery?! (And More ENTERTAINMENT News)
April 22, 2021 19:33 - 1 minute - 3.47 MBHere's something nuts. Jackass star Steve-O poured hot sauce directly into his eye during an episode of the "Hot Ones" challenge. It hurt so bad, he promised to only do it 20 more times. I hear Steve-O's optometrist is really enjoying that new yacht. Good news, potheads. Uber's CEO says the ride-hailing company may soon get into cannabis delivery. Investors were skeptical until he showed them it would double the profits of Uber Eats. Unfortunately there's no word yet about surge pricing on...
Democrats Want to Pack the Supreme Court? (And Other POLITICS News)
April 21, 2021 18:22 - 1 minute - 4.43 MBIn White House dog news, Biden’s German Shepherd Major will be sent away for training after biting several people. It's a special obedience course that has calmed down many bad dogs called "Mailmen Lives Matter". After the training, Major hopes to return as an Admiral. In case you missed it, Mike Pence has undergone surgery to have a pacemaker implanted. Apparently his heartbeat has been irregular ever since he watched WAP. Hearing about Pence's new pacemaker has inspired capitol rioters to...
Man Dies After Doing 300 Squats As Punishment?! (And More CRAZY News Stories)
April 20, 2021 21:40 - 1 minute - 3.52 MBHere's something bizarre. In Thailand, a video has gone viral showing a giant lizard climbing the walls of a 7-11. In response, Warner Bros' marketing team has sent a giant monkey to I'm sure completely improve the situation there. In China, five hitmen were jailed after each one hired the next to carry out a murder that was never committed. Turns out, they weren't charged for attempted murder, but rather, for outsourcing. "We don't do that here," said China. Good news, Irish gay people! I...
Elon Musk's Neuralink Trains Monkey to Play Pong With its Mind! (And More SCIENCE and TECH News)
April 19, 2021 19:37 - 1 minute - 4.43 MBListen to this. According to a new study, redheads experience less pain because they have pigment cells that influence hormones related to opioid receptors. Whew! Now I don't have to feel so guilty about all the ones I beat up in middle school. In Elon Musk news, his Neuralink company has released a video where they've trained a monkey to play Pong with its mind. They've also trained him to constantly remind you that he beat you that one time. Oh, I'm getting an update: the monkey is now st...
Rapper DMX Died (And More ENTERTAINMENT News)
April 15, 2021 19:58 - 1 minute - 4.55 MBSad News for the rap world-- Rapper DMX died last week. Most people don't know this, but DMX had a ton of kids-- 15 little DMX's by 15 different DM exes. He's the modern-day Genghis Khan. 1000 years from now, everyone will have DMX DNA. Did you guys catch this? Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter went viral for posting TikToks that roast her mom's "Goop" branded vagina products. As punishment, Gwyneth gave her a 20-minute time-out in the chamber of spores and kombucha she was birthed in. In Saturda...
North Korea Has Zero Coronavirus?! (And more POLITICS News)
April 14, 2021 20:34 - 1 minute - 2.91 MBIn dictatorship news, North Korea says they have a perfect record with Coronavirus and have zero cases in the country. Riiiight. Same as the excellent job they did there stopping starvation, torture and bad haircuts. I believe it! Here's something for your nightmares. Rudy Giuliani's son Andrew says he's heavily considering a 2022 run for Governor of New York. It looks like he's serious about following in his dad's footsteps, because he just booked a sex shop parking lot for his announcemen...
Another SpaceX Rocket Explodes (And Other CRAZY News Stories)
April 13, 2021 20:52 - 2 minutes - 4.91 MBHere's something cool. Scientists have found that humans have the genetic foundation to create venom in our bodies, which could give new meaning to being a "toxic person". We've obtained exclusive footage of the doctor who made the discovery. In space exploration news, NASA has a helicopter on Mars which is preparing to land in an evaporated lake to search for signs of life. Oh I'm getting some breaking news: they've found not one, not two, but three forms of life! SpaceX is getting closer...
Andrew Cuomo Signs Bill Legalizing Marijuana in New York! (And More US News)
April 12, 2021 19:45 - 1 minute - 4.55 MBGreat news, New Yorkers! Governor Andrew Cuomo has signed a law legalizing Marijuana. Now if Cuomo thinks this will get everyone to chill out and forget his corruption... he's probably right! Asked to comment on pot being legal, New York City said "This is great! I can finally sleep". In White House dog news, Joe's German Shepherd is up to no good again-- he pooped in the White House hallway. Asked for a statement, the dog said "I don't see what the big deal is. Everyone says the White Hous...
A "Game of Thrones" Musical is Coming to Broadway! (And more ENTERTAINMENT News)
April 09, 2021 21:57 - 1 minute - 4.13 MBAs you may have heard, Major League Baseball has moved the All-Star game out of Georgia in retaliation for the new voter suppression law. "This is an absolute travesty!" said everyone on Twitter who literally can't name one current baseball player. In Kardashian news, authorities have arrested a man who went swimming naked in Kendall Jenner's pool. The nerve of this guy. He found the one way to wreck a story about Kendall Jenner and skinny dipping. Get this. According to industry experts, ...
Marjorie Taylor Greene Posts Gym Video (And More RIGHT WING News)
April 08, 2021 21:55 - 2 minutes - 5.41 MBIn Fox News news, Laura Ingraham has launched a threatening tirade at companies speaking out against voter suppression, saying "We're going to punish you". Apparently Marvel is already talking to Laura about being in the next Punisher movie. I think it's clear what must be done. We need to cancel Laura Ingraham for cancelling corporations that are cancelling Georgia for cancelling democracy. Quick QAnon update: Marjorie Taylor Greene posted a bizarre video of herself in the gym saying "This...