What Healthy Couples Know That You Don't
122 episodes - English - Latest episode: 10 days ago - ★★★★★ - 251 ratingsRelationships matter. Do you want to know the nitty gritty of what makes a relationship work? Get your answers to relationship questions. Learn how to keep respect alive & well, because lack of respect is why people get divorced. Learn what builds trust & how to recover from infidelity, drama or codependency. Advice from psychotherapist Rhoda Sommer based on over 35 years of working with couples. www.therapyideas.net
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Episodes
Communication Breakdown: Overcoming Challenges in High-Conflict Relationships
April 16, 2024 09:00 - 49 minutes - 45.1 MBEverybody can get stuck in repeating patterns of ugly disagreement. Frustrations run high & solutions seem impossible. Communication can so easily break down for so many reasons. The intensity of the unhappiness that never gets resolved leads to a familiar stickiness that neither feels able to dig out of... The good news is it is possible!
Feelings Unleashed: Understanding & Harnessing Emotions
March 26, 2024 09:00 - 27 minutes - 25.4 MBEmotions are messy and confusing - they can so easily take us for a ride. Loneliness can carry us into bad relationships. Our fears can keep us isolated. Our shame can ruthlessly feed self-doubt & self-torture. Our resentments & anger can keep us stuck. We are unable to communicate decently if we don’t have emotional balance. Listen & learn what to do about this difficult business of emotions.
Shame’s Stranglehold On You & Your Relationships
March 05, 2024 10:00 - 50 minutes - 46.8 MBShame strikes at the core of an individual's self-worth. When individuals feel ashamed, they believe that they, themselves, are bad, rather than simply acknowledging that they have done something wrong, which is why shame can be a massive roadblock to healing for so many people.
DENIAL & SELF-DECEPTION DAMAGE RELATIONSHIPS
February 08, 2024 00:15 - 54 minutes - 49.7 MBAccepting reality and acknowledging one's strengths and weaknesses is essential for personal development. By denying or distorting reality, individuals may miss opportunities for growth, self-improvement, and reaching their full potential. So lying to ourselves definitely stunts our growth.
How Couples Can Win with Finances
January 16, 2024 10:00 - 47 minutes - 43.9 MBMoney & how to manage this difficult subject as a team instead of ignoring the problems or constantly fighting. Money is a powerful force that touches every aspect of our lives, and when it comes to romantic partnerships, it can be a source of unity or division.
In Pursuit of Wellness: Finding Your Best Therapist Match
January 02, 2024 10:00 - 18 minutes - 16.8 MBTherapy is a process that has to be honest…it is both an art & a science in my mind. It is impossible to grow if both of your feet are in comfort & support. You need to straddle the line between support, safety & being challenged or uncomfortable. Therapy requires that you be uncomfortable to learn new ways to look at yourself.
From Clashes to Connection: Using Disagreement to Deepen Relationships
December 05, 2023 10:30 - 49 minutes - 45.9 MBAgreement and harmony are too often celebrated as the cornerstones of strong relationships, it is only in the presence of healthy disagreement that truly adds depth, resilience, and growth to these bonds. Disagreement, when approached constructively and respectfully, can foster better understanding, promote critical thinking, and lead to enhanced empathy and connection. When people stop avoiding hard conversations and plunge in to the risk of disagreement there is a deep richness to the more...
Sleep: Separating Fact from Fiction for Better Sleep and Stronger Relationships
November 16, 2023 14:08 - 41 minutes - 37.8 MBSleep is a universal experience that affects everyone. Sleep is particularly relevant to relationships, as poor sleep habits can impact both partners and cause relationship stress. Sleep disorders can also affect sexual intimacy, emotional regulation, and communication within relationships.
Building Trust: The Foundation of Strong Relationships
October 23, 2023 09:30 - 43 minutes - 39.9 MBTrust is one of the most important elements in a relationship. It gives it its foundation, making sure everything else can fall into place and stay there. Without trust, relationships don't stand much chance for success - infidelity or poor communication can lead to disputes which often cause hurt feelings on both sides involved. So if you're looking for advice on building trustworthy bonds with those around you then come join us as we explore all aspects related to creating such an environm...
Unlocking The Secret To No More Arguing
October 02, 2023 09:30 - 48 minutes - 44.9 MBCouples need guidance for navigating conflict wisely and skillfully. Hearing what someone has to say is integral in communication, particularly when working through a conflict. Being able to really listen and take in another person's perspective can be the difference between resolving an argument or making it worse. Good listening means hearing them out without judgment, being curious instead of critical. Curiosity keeps the door open. Criticalness slams the door shut.
Relationships with Yourself & Others While In Recovery
September 12, 2023 09:00 - 20 minutes - 19.1 MBRecovery can be very difficult because of shame. Shame is an obstacle to healing for everybody. How do you face hard truths about your own dark side without drowning in the shame? Learn how to balance the footprint of shame that stomps on your soul. The only way to continue to respect that your partner’s generosity is used up is to recognize that actions speak louder than words. The work of recovery is totally worth it!
IMPROVE PARENTING TEENS & REDUCE STRESS ON COUPLES
August 21, 2023 09:00 - 43 minutes - 39.8 MBParenting teens can be a struggle and an additional stress on relationships. Your sweet easy to maneuver children turn into road blocks & obstacles. Parents wonder what happened & where did they go wrong. It’s really not about what went wrong it’s about understanding you’ve entered a new world and you have to find the flexibility to do things differently. Teens are hungry for respect & the power to decide things.
Relationship Goals: Prioritizing Personal Fulfillment for Lasting Love
July 31, 2023 09:00 - 46 minutes - 42.4 MBWe'll explore how prioritizing our own personal growth and self-care can translate into stronger and more fulfilling relationships with our partners. We'll also be sharing tips and strategies for cultivating a sense of inner fulfillment and well-being, and how to apply these principles to our relationships.
Unpacking The Benefits Of A Healthy Sex Life
July 11, 2023 09:30 - 55 minutes - 51.1 MBInsights from a Sex Therapist Expert. Why not prioritize your sex life and wellness? Listen if you are curious about how your sex life stacks up against the rest of America. Did you know that men feel greater distress when they're not content with their sex life? Communication is key if you are looking to improve satisfaction in your sexual relationship.
Creating A More Satisfying Relationship
June 21, 2023 09:00 - 32 minutes - 30.2 MBRelationships can be very confusing. We are taught reading, science, history & if we are lucky sex ed but not anything about what creates trust, why repair is important or how to communicate especially when we are vulnerable. Learning about connections, how to build them & keep them is sorely missing. This episode will fill that knowledge gap!
How To Make Conflict Work For Real Intimacy
May 30, 2023 09:30 - 32 minutes - 30.2 MBWe all believe it is ideal not to fight, this is complete fantasy. The only way to have real intimacy is to be authentic about our differences instead of swallowing our secret truths. We all want to avoid the messiness of conflict and being uncomfortable which is short term thinking. We all make excuses easily "I didn't want to hurt you" which is really about avoiding hard conversations which leads to a mountain of resentments long term.
Embracing Conflict To Improve Your Relationships
May 08, 2023 09:30 - 23 seconds - 605 KBPeople love to avoid conflict because it is messy. Conflict makes people uncomfortable and they don’t like not knowing what will happen. Conflict is really important to growing up. My definition of growing up is honestly facing painful situations. Conflict offers an opportunity to grow up, and it’s certainly not easy. Learn in this episode how to step into conflict in a respectful way.
CULTURE AS A CONNECTION COUPLES CAN SHARE
April 19, 2023 09:30 - 1 hour - 61.1 MBThere are different ways for couples to be connected; mutual religion as a shared values system, all the many physical activities of tennis, rock climbing, dancing or kayaking. Having shared connections of the ways you enjoy life together really matters. Culture offers so much to anyone as an individual or as a couple. David Brooks describes a piece of art…"as a portal to a deeper realm of the mind…art has the potential to humanize the beholder.”
Ingredients for Relationship Longevity; Imagination, Attention & Gumption
March 27, 2023 09:30 - 22 minutes - 21 MBLongevity in relationships slips so easily through our fingers, it’s not a simple or small achievement, unless one partner is almost always submissive & not resentful about their wants being ignored. Two adults who are equal in sharing power over priorities, values & decision making have to be involved in constant work together over the decades. This requires partners have imagination, attention & gumption.
Empowering Men To Understand Problems In Relationships
March 01, 2023 10:30 - 35 minutes - 32.7 MBThis episode is for men who want to do better but don’t begin or to know how & their partners who love them. Women often feel misunderstood & men feel like “What more can I do?” and giving up becomes the path with the least pain attached. This episode is to give men guidance on how to grow into even better versions of themselves…which I believe is the great purpose of relationships.
EXHAUSTED WOMEN & WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
February 01, 2023 10:30 - 37 minutes - 34.2 MBTiredness is often a triangle of trouble that includes guilt & fears. Wading through those feelings is no small task. They stick to your soul like gum on the bottom of your shoe & contaminate your belief in yourself. It helps to remember that your feelings are not facts. Thoughtfully consider what is the evidence for your feelings & don’t put so much weight on them as accurate.
MOTIVATION FOR THE WORK OF LOVE
January 02, 2023 10:30 - 23 minutes - 21.4 MBWhat motivates you to have a better relationship or even a better life? Because it will take work. Do you do the work of loving someone? It’s work to accept the parts you find annoying or tedious - it’s work to make yourself understood - it’s work to listen to disagreement - it’s work to respect the differences. It’s work to to survive important values collisions. It’s work in a frantic/busy life to find one-on-one time to deepen your relationship instead of avoiding difficult conversations.
Let's Talk About Online Dating & The Data
December 01, 2022 10:30 - 36 minutes - 33.5 MBDating is really hard work because there is so much uncertainty. Dating is a dance of two people not knowing each other & trying to figure out is it worth spending more of your precious time with this person. It takes time to really know someone. Dating can be both exhausting & discouraging if your interest is not reciprocated. Today's interview is with the Head of Global Communications for OKCUPID.
Male Depression & Emotional Inexpressiveness
November 01, 2022 09:30 - 47 minutes - 43.9 MBOften men keep from being vulnerable by being vague, especially about feelings. Feelings are avoided because they are confusing or hard to identify. Men often aren't encouraged to talk about their feelings. In fact, they're sometimes discouraged from doing so. Additionally, men often tend to shy away from vulnerable conversations. This cultural expectation can easily make things more difficult for men in relationships.
Understanding The Relationships Between Top Dogs & People-pleasers
October 03, 2022 09:30 - 18 minutes - 17.5 MBThis is an ordinary relationship pattern and it offers a real opportunity for both people to grow & improve who they are. People-pleasers of course go along to get along, they are helpful & kind & often neglect their own needs. A Top Dog goes after their own wants with clarity & drive, and they can neglect others before they will neglect themselves. Opposites attract is exactly why this is a pattern that can be observed in so many relationships.
People-pleasing In Relationships & What To Do About It
September 01, 2022 18:53 - 49 minutes - 45.4 MBPeople-pleasing is all about being heavily lopsided in pleasing others as a way of gaining their approval & maintaining relationships. People-pleasing is of course on a continuum, at work in a subordinate role & to fit in socially it is very useful. Less useful are those people-pleasers who end up erasing their authentic self in relationships. People-pleasers have to learn to make conflict & disagreement bearable because this is normal. Stop & consider that conflict increases intimacy & your...
Sex & Sexual Desire in Long Term Relationships
August 01, 2022 23:36 - 51 minutes - 47.6 MBSexuality is a complex, crucial activity. Only on television where couples reach maximum orgasm easily. Our interest in sex naturally ebbs and flows over the course of a long- term relationship as we age or deal with life changes— It’s important to keep in mind that researchers have reliably found that individuals who accept these fluctuations as normal and natural are more sexually satisfied when they hit a bump.
MANIPULATION IN ALL IT'S COMPLEXITY
July 05, 2022 09:30 - 52 minutes - 47.8 MBEverybody manipulates to get what they want, even 3 year olds. Manipulation is part of our defense system. Manipulation are ways to win, to have power & control. There are caring & acceptable ways in trying to win games or a politician trying to win votes. Negative manipulations are all about avoiding vulnerablity & having power over others to win. There is always a choice to manipulate with caring or fighting dirty.
Individualism Hurts The US in Relationships
June 06, 2022 09:30 - 44 minutes - 40.6 MBGreat relationships start with your relationship to yourself. You will be harsh with others if you are harsh with yourself. There are three parts to every relationship. There is you, your partner & the US. Learning to sacrifice in order to take care of the US is something that is not talked about enough in relationships. Individualism needs to be balanced by recognizing what's good for the US.
IN-LAW PROBLEMS & WHAT TO DO ABOUT THEM
May 09, 2022 09:30 - 25 minutes - 23.4 MBThree out of four couples experience significant conflict with their in-laws. In-laws can help young couples or derail them on the path to relationship success. The biggest reasons for tension include in-laws giving unwanted opinions, partners taking their parents' side, and disagreements over how to discipline grandchildren.
Dating Advice To Find Success In Love
April 18, 2022 09:30 - 31 minutes - 29.3 MBDating is a lot of work! It is all too easy to end up discouraged & want to give up because someone else has once again not followed through & just disappeared. Family & friends often don’t appreciate how painful & difficult the process of dating can be. There is so much pressure to find the right relationship that it can be hard to look for signs the relationship is a healthy one.
ANGRY MEN & WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
March 22, 2022 09:30 - 28 minutes - 26 MBWhat we want to focus on is, do I have too much anger? Do I get angry too easily? When I get angry, do I stay angry too long? Do I do destructive things when I get angry? So, rather than the anger itself, what we tend to focus on, is my anger making me unhappy? Is it making other people unhappy? Am I doing destructive or hurtful things when I get angry?
The Art & Work of Relationships
February 03, 2022 10:00 - 19 minutes - 17.7 MBA collection of wisdom on making relationships work over the decades. You’ve heard me say often “Love is wanting to be a better person for your partner.” So partnerships grow us into better versions of ourselves. There is purpose to being in relationships & it’s not about having an audience to applaud you. It’s about having faith that you need to listen to hard truths about yourself from someone you love. It’s not about taking the easy way out to stay comfortable. To be uncomfortable is the ...
INSECURE ATTACHMENT & WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT
January 03, 2022 10:30 - 28 minutes - 26.7 MBEverybody deals with insecurity & it has a huge negative impact on relationships. The focus for those who are insecure is what’s wrong with my partner? Secure attachment, is not about playing games, you’re not trying to win or have power over the other person. It’s not a perfect situation. Secure attachment means you’re able to navigate emotionally. It can’t be about relying on the other person to do this for you.
INTERCULTURAL RELATIONSHIPS: UNDERSTANDING THE COMPLEXITY
December 01, 2021 10:30 - 20 minutes - 29 MBIn intercultural & in interracial relationships as well, you don't always know what you're getting yourself into. Often, it takes several years, several challenges, a lot of conflict within couples to really figure out what it is that seems to be the issue or why it even is an issue... Both individuals can maintain their cultural identities through negotiation, & also own their awareness of what their own cultural identities mean to them.
DIVORCE: THE FINAL OPTION
November 01, 2021 09:30 - 24 minutes - 22.4 MBDivorce often happens in year 6 to 10. research finds year 8 to be ordinary. In the 50s, it was called “The Seven Year Itch’. If your relationship is struggling in these years, it is an ordinary development. The essence of real love is wanting to be a better person. When someone turns their back on doing the work of change and growth, that's what repair of a relationship requires, then they are unwilling to do the work of real love.
Choices & Their Impact On Relationships Part 2
October 04, 2021 09:30 - 20 minutes - 18.7 MBLife is chock full of choices. There are choices that are self defeating or even self destructive. Then there are choices that are life generating. It’s our choices that make up our life. It’s our choices that make the difference in having success in our relationships. Some choices don’t feel like choices because they are entrenched bad habits that usually comfort us in some way. Even when we feel we don’t have a choice, we do.
Healthy Self-Esteem Is Critical For Healthy Relationships
September 01, 2021 09:30 - 17 minutes - 16.6 MBMany relationships begin because one person is grabbing onto someone else to feel ok. Everybody wants to be loved, but the solution to this, is the age old wisdom that you have to love yourself first. Taking responsibility for our own choices & learning to accept both the good & the bad within all of us is key to self-esteem.
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP BETTER?
August 04, 2021 09:30 - 49 minutes - 45.6 MBSo often in relationships we are quick to focus our unhappiness on our partner. It’s their fault things don’t get better, right? It’s way too easy to blame others & not look at ourselves. This episode takes a look at what YOU can do, whether or not your partner is interested in improvements.
Silent Resentments & Unasked Questions Are Engines of Unhappiness
July 05, 2021 09:30 - 21 minutes - 19.9 MBDig down underneath the resentments to communicate or begin the dead-end path to bitterness. Everybody has a choice about which direction to go in. We avoid the “risk” of asking real questions, so we can stay in the safe zone of not dealing with someone else. We have our imaginary conversations, we decide we know how it will turn out & we bail. Authentic conversation requires real effort in real life.
Trauma Affects Relationships
June 02, 2021 09:30 - 40 minutes - 32.4 MBTrauma deeply challenges our sense of safety and security in the world, which often has an impact on relationships. It’s natural for those who have suffered trauma to feel that building close relationships is frightening because they don’t want to experience more hurt. Someone who is coping with trauma may feel disconnected from themselves as well as their partner.
Responding Instead of Reacting When Communicating
May 03, 2021 09:30 - 19 minutes - 18 MBResponding is harder to do because it is more complicated than just defensively reacting. Respecting your partner is all about responding & reacting is only all about you. This episode will help you think about how to improve responding to your partner.
Erectile Dysfunction & Male Sexual Avoidance
April 01, 2021 09:30 - 39 minutes - 36.1 MBErectile Dysfunction impacts relationships & couples don’t know how to talk about it & don’t have enough information about it, so this episode is all about correcting this problem. The Cleveland Clinic reports 1 in 10 men will experience ED in their lifetime & only 25% of men with ED receive treatment.
Money Harmony In Relationships
March 03, 2021 10:00 - 28 minutes - 25.9 MBMoney & sex are the two things couples argue most about. Most couples don't want to talk about it because they fight. Budgets are like diets, they don't work. Learn here how to think about a spending plan. Instead of beating yourselves up for your past attempts at trying to talk about money, try acknowledging where each of you come from in terms of your family histories without judgment.
Poison Messages From Your Brain That Damage Your Relationships
February 02, 2021 11:00 - 32 minutes - 29.9 MBEverybody buries themselves in piles of doubt & insecurities that clutter up our lives & our relationships. Some of us cover things up better than others, but no one escapes obsessing about their fears & doubts. Facing your anxieties & insecurities by decontaminating your brain is achievable. Listen & learn how to do it!
Relationship Wisdom
January 04, 2021 11:00 - 20 minutes - 19.2 MBRelationships thrive when the 4 pillars of successful relationships are nurtured. The 4 pillars are Honesty, Respect, Generosity & Negotiating. Relationships are one of the most important parts of life & there are no classes in high school to help you learn how. Make no mistake about it, relationships are a lot of work because everybody is wired differently.
Relationship Wisdom
January 03, 2021 17:28Relationships thrive when the 4 pillars of successful relationships are nurtured. The 4 pillars are Honesty, Respect, Generosity & Negotiating. Relationships are one of the most important parts of life & there are no classes in high school to help you learn how. Make no mistake about it, relationships are a lot of work because everybody is wired differently.
AVOIDING THE SELF-SACRIFICE TRAP IN RELATIONSHIPS
December 02, 2020 10:30 - 27 minutes - 22.1 MBSelf-sacrifice has been misinterpreted by too many, as the way to be the "best" partner you can be. For this episode I have Alicia Munoz joining me to discuss how you can use your own experience of pleasure and joy as a compass to guide you to being more fulfilled as a person, and therefore, a "better" partner. When I heard this topic, I immediately thought of the stewardess on the plane advising parents to put their own mask on first in the event of a plane crash.
Emotionally Unavailable Men/People In Relationships
November 02, 2020 10:00 - 39 minutes - 31.7 MBEmotionally unavailable men are something many partners experience. I think the greatest pain about this problem is that it leaves both people in a relationship feeling even lonelier. Today’s episode is to help us understand this dynamic & move towards solutions instead of giving up. Relationships can survive difficulties when there is a more balanced understanding instead of blame. Certainly women can also be emotionally unavailable.
Self Confrontation Will Improve ALL Your Relationships
October 05, 2020 10:00 - 17 minutes - 14.1 MBSelf-confrontation is a rare commodity in human beings. It’s really hard to look honestly at yourself. Digesting hard truths about yourself is no easy task. We are all so good at telling ourselves it’s ok when it’s not. We justify why we did something, we make it ok, we make excuses for ourselves. Facing a harsh truth about yourself, makes you feel bad & that’s the point, the discomfort helps you to decide “I’m not doing that again."