EP008: Pandemic Dating, Masculinity and Changing Expectations — A Fireside Chat With Andrea, Jenna, Kanani and Tony

The trend of looking for real meaningful experiences has been around for a while now, but COVID changed the game: the immediate starkness of lockdown made us miss the simple things in life, real human connection.

 

This awkward moment in history is just the one Tony picked to start online dating!

 

In order to make a bit of sense of his own experiences and women more broadly, Tony interviews three beautiful (we’re not kidding), successful, smart L.A. women, in search of some answers on what makes a man attractive, what smart women are looking for and what they haven’t yet been able to find.

 

Join Tony, Andrea, Jenna and Kanani to figure out what it is people can’t seem to find.

 

Key Takeaways

 

[:09] Tony opens up the show by setting the stage: he started online dating four weeks ago and the results got him thinking: what do women want?

 

Simple yet complicated [3:07] Smart, attractive, and successful women who do self-work gain stability and clarity on who they are.

 

Women note: they look for men who are mentally stable and emotionally intelligent.

 

L.A. is weird [7:30] It appears L.A. may be a unique beast in this respect, but women have often found the end of a relationship at the very first sign of trouble: “It’s too much work and there are too many other women to put in any effort in a relationship.”

 

A dating case study [10:50] She has over 100 messages in her Hinge inbox, but she only met one person in person and it went poorly… What didn’t she find?

 

He was very successful, very hard working, had clarity and purpose but he was negative and controlling (as far as asking for a change in appearance after only a few dates!)

 

At a failed 1% rate, clearly, it shouldn’t be played as a numbers game.

 

They see more than we think [17:54] Tony is surprised to find how much details these women can infer from a few profile pictures!

 

Women note: go for raw authentic and genuine photos, don’t stage and pose so much.

 

What is a turn-off in a profile?

Too many: babies, kids, cats, dogs (don’t try to thirst trap)

Too staged: leaning against a car, wistfully looking out into the distance

Too much: shirtless, surfing, group, sunglasses

 

Don’t hide the truth [24:17] Social media is the new white picket fence: only the best pics and happiest moments make the cut and it’s very misleading.

 

Women note: you aren’t perfect AND you don’t have to be.

 

From wide and shallow to narrow and deep [25:30] Women are looking for deeper connections with fewer people, the ‘casting a wide net’ approach has not been fruitful.

 

Women note: are you so caught up in what you think you’re supposed to do to be a man, that you don’t pay attention to what you do need to do?

 

Do. The. Work. [28:36] Just like telling someone to relax, it’s not that simple, but it is worthwhile...

 

Women note: be authentic, be vulnerable. How? Get to know yourself, to be yourself.

 

Women don’t want what you think they do [30:10] The societal pressure for men to be successful has ramped up to the point of being altogether one-sided.

 

Women note: it’s not all material success: you’re golden if you can have a hard conversation.

 

Masculinity [31:32] There is now a rebalancing of what it means to be masculine and having emotional intelligence is part of masculinity.

 

Women note: aside from EQ they look for honesty, confidence, strength in the face of emotion, mental presence, and integrity.

 

Physicality [36:00] Inner qualities don’t negate the outside ones — they are still important.

 

Women note: you have more leeway if the beauty inside is there and the physical doesn’t quite match than the other way around.

 

Are women looking for a unicorn? [47:42] The world is super competitive and all of our energy needs to be poured into your work in order to be financially successful as per society’s standards; this leaves little room for self-work and introspection.

 

Maybe social pressure also makes it that being vulnerable and open as a man is tough.

 

Showcasing you [49:18] In order to showcase who you are and attract the person you want, you first have to know what both those things are! Be more aware of what you’re going for and be authentic in that space.

 

Women note: your pics say more than you think, and so do your answers!

 

How to be a better person [55:30] Tony shares the story of how his mentor found success by changing the name of his book to fit the audience, from ‘how to be a better man’ to ‘W dating.’

 

Tony’s take [1:00:00] If you’re looking for something that is going to grow you and fulfill you, it’s not going to feel familiar.

 

Tony shares an exercise to identify your physical reactions to a person and analyze what they mean.

 

Women (and Tony) note: men and women need to do the work, don’t settle: if she isn’t right, she isn’t right.

 

The Woke Fit Guy [1:07:45] An app opportunity?! All our guests are in.

 

Thanks for tuning in.

 

More about your hosts

Podcast: tonywongpodcast.com

Agile Coaching: Agiletony.com

Executive Coaching: Agiletony.com/mental-and-emotional-agility

Twitter: Twitter.com/agile_tony

LinkedIn: Linkedin.com/in/tonywongdigitalonion

Youtube: Youtube.com/channel/UCJyT0C_nrzAZ9GhmOXaSRRw

 

Co-host Ron Williams on LinkedIn: Linkedin.com/in/ronwilliams

 

More about our guests

Andrea Hollenbeck on Instagram @andreajileen and on LinkedIn

Jenna Borden on Instagram @jenjenborden

Kanani  Lynn Kroll on Instagram @Bfearlessfitness, on her website, on Facebook and on LinkedIn