S2E7 A Brunch to Acknowledge Heartbreak (Catherine Monahon)

Catherine Monahon (producer of the wonderful Material Feels Podcast) shares their journey from breakup to new home. At the start of the journey was heartbreak. At the end was a celebration of the love that had supported Catherine all along the way. 

Music by Terry Hughes

Links:

Material Feels Podcast

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CXM Designs

Other episodes about making it through a hard time:

The Un-Baby Shower

Inviting Grief to the Wedding

Full Transcript

Monahon: When I got there and people were helping me with all my stuff I looked at the bed and it's like a different size bed than I'm used to, you know, sharing a space with another person. I was used to a larger bed. And I just didn't even have sheets to put on it. And she was helping me move and she was just like, "Let me run down the street to my house. I have an extra set of sheets." And yes, I could have gone to Bed, Bath and Beyond or ordered some sheets online. But in that moment, it was so bleak. Looking at that mattress on the floor that was this... the wrong size for a single person, you know? Or the wrong size for what I was used to. And she went down the street with... like within 15 minutes... materialized with sheets that she... I still have them... they’re these dark, velvety purple sheets that I associate with that time. They're really soft and I will forever be grateful to her for that. So just people showing up in different ways, small ways that they probably don't even realize still.... I still think about it today.

How do we create ways for the people who care about us to show when we need it? When is it okay to ask for help? Does asking for help mean we are weak? Does it make us needy? We'll speak today with Catherine Monahon who asked for help when things were hard, and whose community showed up in a big way.

This is Shame Piñata. I’m Colleen Thomas. Welcome to Shame Piñata, where we talk about creating rites of passage for real-life transitions.

So today we have a great story to share with you. It’s a story of loss, of heartbreak, of healing, of hope and of gratitude. And not only gratitude but a brave showing of gratitude, a public sharing of love and appreciation. A ritual of love and appreciation. 

You know when you go through something really hard and you dare to be real about how hard it is with your friends? When you dare to ask for help? Today we’ll talk with Catherine Monahon who produces and hosts the Material Feels podcast. Catherine and I met through radiogines, listserv for women, femmes and gender non-conforming folks in San Francisco Bay Area who work in audio. 

When I asked Catherine if they might like to speak about a rite of passage they’d gone through on Shame Piñata, at first they couldn’t think of anything, but then they realized that the brunch they organized to thank the friends who helped them get through a breakup was a significant moment. We’ll get into why and it was significant in a bit. 

First, though, the journey. Catherine was 28 and had just been through their first major breakup. It was a time of uncertainty and pain. Not wanting to stay in the home they had shared with their partner, they struck out looking for a new place to live in the Bay Area, which was hard because housing is hard to find and because they were heartbroken. Catherine placed an ad for housing and that ad was seen by two good friends, Amos and Eirik, who hadn’t even heard about the breakup yet. 

Monahon: And it was actually an amazing moment because I was sitting with my two friends watching some live music outdoors and I remember I had looked up at the sky, and I was like, “I just... I can't imagine trying to find the right home for me right now. I just need something to fall into my lap.” And then I looked at my phone, and Amos was like, “Hey, I saw your ad. Like oh, my gosh, what happened between you guys? Do you need a place to land? You can live in our living room.” 

Thomas: Wow! That’s magical. 

Monahon: I responded within 30 seconds. I was like, “Yes, yes. And yes!” Yeah. So I... I had a handful of people help me move into that living room for the indefinite future, you know, a couple months. And then I had some people help me move from that living room to where I live now near Lake Merritt.

Thomas: Nice. So your community really showed up for you.

Monahon: Yeah. I also, like, emailed 15 people, and I was like, “I need support!” Maybe not 15, maybe like 11... but for the first couple weeks, while I was sort of in shock, I had, by just by chance, three of my very close friends checking on me everyday, in but they would... it was weird. It was like they were coordinating with each other but they weren't. The rhythm of those friendships sort of kept me going for the first month or two while I was looking... because I was looking for housing. I didn't hear from Amos and Eirik for the first month of that experience. I was like sleeping on couches and like, yeah, so… And then I did, I sent an email out once I realized I had a place to live temporarily and people helped me go through stuff. I mean, I couldn't even think about all the crap I had to look through, like. They and they took stuff. Like I had one friend who was really excited about all of these things that I had that I was like, “If I look at this, I'm gonna cry” like, “I don't want this anymore”. 

Monahon: That was a relief that they... she found joy in that stuff. So one person just basically helped me get rid of all my stuff.

I didn’t realize at first that Catherine was basically couch surfing for the first month after the breakup. It was only in the second month that they found a place to land in the living room with their two friends. Here is a quick description of what life was like those two months in Berkeley.

Monahon: My time with Amos and Eirik was very enriching. Even though I was sleeping in their living room, it was a very cozy space, there were plants everywhere. And they are both very into food. And I had a pretty bad relationship with food at that time. I hadn't been eating from grief, and just in general wasn't really eating fresh fruits or vegetables. And they are both vegans. And they sort of reintroduced like, fresh, delicious, seasonal food into my life just because it was all around me and they would share with me. They had plants that Eirik adored and cared for, and we always would talk about the plants and notice their growth. It was a very zen and peaceful place to be. And they're both super sensitive queers who are totally down to hold space or emotions, which was a major added bonus. So during that time, I was basically going to school doing homework, crying in the kitchen, eating fresh fruit, looking at plants and searching for housing.

That sounds like a pretty good place to be doing the liminal space dance in, doesn't it? I asked Catherine if receiving that support from Amos and Eirik helped them feel ready to put the word out to a wider crowd, if it helped them feel that support would be there if they reached out.

Monahon: Yeah, yeah. And I think also with moving, I don't know.. You've... there are literal things to do. You know, “Put this in a box. Move this up the stairs”. And I knew that people were probably worried about me. I mean, this was... I was in a relationship for six years and we... these were mutual friends that you know. So yeah, I knew people want... people  would check on me. And I'd be like, “I can't deal with you. I want... I want you to be able to help me…” So I was like, I was like, and also moving was gonna be I had a feeling it would be really upsetting. So I was like, well, at least I can try to turn it into some kind of like, party not even… maybe party’s the wrong word, but barbecue vibe.

Thomas: Right. Right. As opposed to just heartbreak and tears and Kleenex boxes lining the walls and...

Monahon: Yeah, and and most of these people who ended up at that, at the brunch that we'll talk about, they saw me in the... in those stages, you know. They... we had all been connected in some way, whether it was my heartbreak or something that they were going through. And I kept track of it too. Like I journaled about how each person showed up for me, and I really internalized those memories, like they were so that I they're so fresh. I kind of wanted to celebrate them, those people I mean, yeah.

Thomas: Yeah. So was the brunch a celebration?

Monahon: It was part... it was part celebration of, like how I felt each person had brought such special gifts to my experience and so different. And it was part... like, I've had that experience before I went to boarding school at a very young age so I've moved a lot. And I've always... I know what it feels like to move into a room, and then suddenly be like, “Well, I'm here,” like, “It's over,” you know? And that's awkward, that waking up. So I...I kind of anticipated that that would be even worse. So it was it was like part celebration part.... I didn't... I wanted that day to be a good day. And then it was also like a closing, I was like, “That time... Although I loved living with Amos and Eirik, That time is over now. The time of feeling ungrounded not knowing what's going to happen. Feeling like, I'm falling apart. Like, these people saw me through it and I want us all to, to like, kind of kiss that time goodbye.”

Thomas: That's awesome because it's really insightful of you because all these people have been, like watching you and supporting you and keeping an eye on you probably and all these things and, and it's so it's kind of like I can see it. Like if it's my story. It's like I'm getting to this place and I'm like, “Okay, I'm good. And thank you and you know, you can tone it down like 90% of how much you're worried about me now like I got this,” to kind of let them, like disengage.

Monahon: Yeah. And just kind of it's almost like a performance too because it was like, “Okay, you're doing it. You woke up and your new apartment. And... and you're gonna say thank you to all your buds and then you're gonna move on.” Whether or not that really happened, that it was still it... I think it... it worked a little bit. But then I feel likeI would remember the brunch, I'd remember those people and those moments like, it I felt like it was creating something that I could almost like a worry stone where I could like, go back to it.

Thomas: Nice. Do you have any mementos that you physically have from that brunch or that time?

Monahon: No, I think other than that page of my journal. Because I invited... I actually wrote their names down. I'm just gonna count them real quick. So I invited nine people two weeks beforehand. And three of them couldn't come. So the people who couldn't come, I texted them a picture of their part of the map that I had made. And I still, like thanked them and told them why... I even invited my friend Liz, who lives in Philadelphia. I knew that they couldn't come. But the invitation they got it. 

Thomas: So what was the map like? 

Monahon: So the brunch was kind of like: I had moved twice. It had been three months. And so the map that I made was essentially just a list of memories. Everybody had, like, you know, a bunch of green dots of like, highlighted dates. You know, August 22, we went camping. August 3, I had that meltdown in public and my brother gave me an omelette, or something. And so... if like my three friends who couldn't come, I took a picture of their part of that list I had made and was like, “Hey, you know, you really showed up for me in these ways and I really appreciate that about you.”

Thomas: Wow. That would be such a nice thing to receive, to have somebody like, remember some random thing that I did, or that happened between us like writing it down and putting a date on it and sending it to me as part of like a thank you, or acknowledgement. That's so thoughtful.

Monahon: You just don't know how big of a deal it is when you do something like that. Like for you, it might be a couple hours of your morning on a Saturday and your friend's cat has died. And for them, it's like, I'll never forget that Colleen showed up on this made up scenario. [LAUGHS] But like, yeah, I think, yeah, what? They got me through it.

Welcome to today's show! Whether this is your first or your 25th episode, it's always wonderful to have you along. If there is something changing in your world right now, some shift you're going through, know you're not alone. Shame Piñata will continue bringing you stories to inspire your own creative response to a changing self. Subscribe today in your favorite player!

Thomas: You said that you felt like something that was wrapped up nice and tight at the brunch.

Monahon: Yeah, it was a very emotional… it was a very emotional day. And I wasn't expecting it to be. Like when I had prepared to, like appreciate everybody in front of everybody. And I just wanted everyone to see everyone, like to know how amazing everybody at that brunch was and how much they impacted me. And so I like made a... I set a couple... I made it short, too, because I had one I have one friend who really doesn't like to be appreciated in public. So I really tried to do it like just short Cliff Notes/spark notes and it was wild to see people who like aren't necessarily tight. They are not close friends necessarily. But because we, it created this really sort of this like little bubble of like, trust and love. And my brother who, you know, doesn't really know my chosen family that well. He got really emotional and he sort of gave this speech at the end where he... he like cried. We’re both cryers and you know, he was just like, “It means the world to me that Catherine has this support network...” And then he said a bunch of nice stuff about me and I was like, “This is not why I’m throwing this brunch.” And everybody’s all, “Oh, we love you.” I was very mushy and gushy. gushy and it's not something I normally do. So, I guess, feeling held by like, it just felt very safe and I felt very present.

Thomas: Did you have a little bit of trouble taking that in at the time? Was it too much or was it okay?

Monahon: It was okay. Because nobody tried to... everybody was just kind of sitting with it, you know? It was because I think it was a brunch to acknowledge heartbreak and my empty new apartment room. So I don't think I think there was no, like... I didn't have to worry that anybody was going to be uncomfortable at the brunch.

Thomas: Yeah. Yeah. I love this story. Because I love how much you're obviously taking care of yourself in it, you know, it's... I can see that you're honoring the people who helped you. And also, it was so bold of you to ask for help and to accept it. And then you had this whole brunch, which you could have just written them all, like, notes or emails or said thanks for something that you call them together and you put, you know, energy into it is just inspiring. And it's another example of how we can take care of ourselves through little things that we could call ceremony or ritual, or we could just not. But they kind of serve a purpose of, you know, of intention. Everybody knew what the meaning was of that whole time for you.

Monahon: Yeah, and I didn't really think about it like that until I listened to your show. Like, listening to the way that you talk about ritual and ceremony. And I started thinking like, What does that apply to my life? You know, as someone who doesn't… I... other than my art practice and creative endeavors, I don't feel particularly connected to it. And then I realized that the brunch kind of kind of tapped on that, or edged up against that, and overlapped with a lot of what you've talked about on the show. I was like, “Oh, that's what that was.” [LAUGHS] 

Catherine is the producer and host of Material Feels, a podcast that explores the intimate relationship between artists and their materials. This means that Catherine speaks with artists about watercolor and clay, glass and wax. Recently they have been musing on and speaking about ritual as an art form.

Thomas: I know, you've been exploring ritual a little bit yourself on Material Feels and I'm curious, what has been moving for you about that? Or what have you noticed? Or has it... has anything shifted for you as you played around with it a little?

Monahon: I think one thing that I have noticed about myself and the way, like, my sort of ritual personality is that I really like... I like tradition and I like anniversaries. So you know, the day I dropped my first episode was like Valentine's Day and that's like a big deal to me. Valentine's Day is now always going to be a big deal about the podcast, about my creative love for the world and myself. 

Thomas: Nice. 

Monahon: But then, like, also, what I've learned as I'm exploring ritual and ceremony is witnessing and including other people. So, I've made art my whole life, but I've never I never included anyone else in it. It's always been very personal and private. But now with the show... there's this, like, sacredness to the audience for me. Like, whenever I start, whenever I start thinking about the next episode, like, organically thinking about it, I'm... I'm talking to my listeners in my head. So I think the ceremony of producing a show where I… I really want my listeners to be like intimately with me. And I think learning more about... like creating the container, as you say, sonically... I mean, that's been really cool to think about and try to try to move forward with.

Thomas: Yeah and Material Feels has so much sound richness and playfulness and it's... it's got such a unique container. It's kind of like, I just thought this... it’s kind of like a... like a stained glass prism that turns different ways that... it's like, yellow here, and then blue here, and then opaque here and translucent here. And it's just... it's always changing as I listen to it, like the episode. And it's... but it's not like discongruent or whatever the word would be, you know? It's not like, “All these things… What? What’s going on?” But it's kind of like no, no, it's it's art. And it just keeps changing. And it's such a unique format and it's so you.

Monahon: Oh, thank you. Thank you for saying that about the prism. That is really cool. I like that. 

Catherine's story illustrates how taking a risk and getting vulnerable can not only open opportunities to receive support ourselves, but can provide our friends and loved ones with a chance to show up for us. And that's what we really want to do, right, show up and love each other? Because it feels good, because the struggles of the folks we love touch our hearts, and because we're all human and we all have something to offer, from carrying away some heartbreak-soaked stuff to bringing a friend a set of sheets.

I am super grateful to Catherine for sharing the ups and downs of their breakup journey and giving us a look into the brunch itself. I am also thrilled to have had a lot of time lately to talk ritual with Catherine. If you'd like to hear more of this conversation, told through the Material Feels lens, check out the latest episode of the Material Feels podcast, called Emotion (Ritual and Ceremony). It explores the elements, storytelling, and finding what needs to be moved.

Catherine is an audio storyteller with a background in art. They facilitate workshops and create podcasts with a focus on creative practices and art materials. Their writing about art, illness and disability has been published in The New York Times, WIRED Magazine and the Leonardo Journal. Learn more about Catherine's work at www.cxmdesigns.com.

Our music is by Terry Hughes. Please follow us on IG at shamepinata. You can also follow us on Twitter at shamepinata. Reach out directly through the contact page at our website, shamepinata.com. And subscribe to the podcast on Radio Public, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite player. I’m Colleen Thomas. Thanks for listening.