Pastor Resources Podcast
384 episodes - English - Latest episode: almost 3 years ago - ★★★ - 2 ratingsFor 17 years, Pastor Resources has been serving those who serve the church. By presenting resources to pastors from like-minded organizations, as well as providing guidance from proven leaders in ministry, we connect pastors with the tools they need to succeed.
The JCA Company was founded on the principle that the revival and renewal of the church in America is vital. We hope to be used as an instrument to catalyze that movement.
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Episodes
It’s Your Turn to Re-envision God
June 29, 2021 05:00 - 4 minutes - 3.51 MBI think I used to see God working in my life very linearly. I kind of saw God as someone who coached me along my journey, and if I screwed up too badly, he would replace me with someone better. Then one day, while reading Lewis’s Mere Christianity, I realized God is timeless. God was not just going through life linearly with me, God also saw my life from above the timeline. God had chosen to walk with me, even though he knew I would mess it all up at various points along the way. I think I sa...
Filling The Pit
June 25, 2021 05:00 - 4 minutes - 6.72 MBSearch me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. - Psalm 139:23-24 (NLT) Have you ever stopped to think about WHY the Psalmist had to ask God to search his heart and thoughts; to point out anything that offends? I mean, they are his thoughts after all, so why would he – or any of us – need God search to our hearts and minds? Let me explain it with an example... Picture a ti...
5 Low - Cost, High - Impact Church Renovations For The Summer
June 25, 2021 02:54 - 4 minutes - 6.78 MBRegular church maintenance is important for keeping your facilities in working order. Beyond annual cleaning and repairs, it’s also nice to spruce up your building with occasional renovations. Maybe your budget is a little tight right now, but you’d still like to make some updates to your church. Here are five low-cost projects that will make a big impact for your members and visitors. 1. Update Paint Colors When was the last time you painted your church interior? Do the colors even fit i...
Leaning Toward Unity
June 25, 2021 02:51 - 4 minutes - 9.27 MBOutrage. Perhaps no other word better captures the spirit of our times, the wildfire in society that keeps roaring back with more and more fuel. It can deplete all our energy for quieter work, draw us away from the still small voice of God, and seem impossible to overcome. It spreads from social conflict to interpersonal relationships, disrupting community in the home, church, and workplace. How can pastors help their congregations reimagine a way forward, one that hammers their swords into p...
How You Can Read and Understand the Bible
June 25, 2021 02:47 - 4 minutes - 6.67 MBTHE BIBLE REMAINS the bestselling book of all time. You may well have one hidden away somewhere in your house yourself. But while the Bible continues to sell incredibly well, it is often not read. In many cases, this is not for lack of trying. Begin at the beginning— which sounds perfectly logical—and you may soon become bogged down in the laws of Exodus and Leviticus, the second and third books of the Bible, wondering what on earth they have to do with your life today. And so the Bible retu...
Lessons Of The Lockdown
June 25, 2021 02:42 - 5 minutes - 7.07 MBThe term "lockdown," is now associated with the attempt to slow or stop the spread of the COVID-19 virus. The virus is real, the risks are real, and the lessons learned from the lockdowns are real. Some of the lessons learned were intended, others were not. There is legitimate debate about the efficacy of the lockdown, the wearing of masks, and social distancing. One thing is not debatable, the lessons learned are real, but many of the unintended lessons may be the most real, and the mo...
Man Of The Millennium
June 25, 2021 02:35 - 5 minutes - 7.85 MBn the years leading up to the turn of the century (1996-1999), several publications ran “Man of the Millennium” features, presenting various candidates for the title. TIME Magazine featured extensive reports on various candidates, Einstein, Newton, etc. Theirs was perhaps the most closely watched process, and when the winner was revealed (as “Person of the Millennium”), the TIME Magazine laureate was Johannes Gutenberg (ca. 1400-1468), inventor of the moveable-type printing press. It was to b...
All In For America’s Kids – Part 2
June 25, 2021 02:32 - 5 minutes - 7.35 MBThe ALL IN for FOSTER ADOPTION Challenge: The Goal and Strategies for Serving Waiting Kids Today there are over 125,000 youth in the foster care system. Many have never known the security of a loving home and often must wait for over three years for permanency. While others are shuttled between a multitude of homes; the number of placements sometimes soaring into the double digits. One can only imagine what the lasting impact might be on a child who has never known the safety of a loving fa...
Biblical Manhood
June 11, 2021 05:00 - 4 minutes - 6.8 MBIs there anything that has not been written about biblical manhood? Books, articles, and videos abound with calls for men to demonstrate character, integrity, authenticity, and especially “servant leadership.” In an attempt to not write what has already been written over and over again, I present the following ideas. First, the term servant leadership is an inaccurate and inadequate description of Paul’s instructions to men in the fifth chapter of Ephesians. A “servant leader” stoops to serve...
Church Budgets
June 10, 2021 05:00 - 5 minutes - 7.05 MBAddressing church budgets starts with understanding the broader context of a church’s mission and purpose. If a budget represents the financial blueprint for carrying out a church’s ministry plan for a particular period of time, then logic would dictate that such a blueprint and its related ministry plan should be a function—a derivative—of the church’s mission and purpose. Many times, however, churches engage in elaborate budget development processes without first evaluating whether their ac...
11 Ways To Ensure A God - Honoring Legacy
June 09, 2021 05:00 - 5 minutes - 7.45 MBIt’s no secret: Finishing this life with a God-honoring legacy isn’t automatic and certainly isn’t easy. So, in my twenties and thirties and again in my forties, I asked a number of older Christians to show me how it’s done. Thankfully, they agreed! A few months before his death, best-selling author and international consultant Dr. Ted W. Engstrom invited me to spend a day together, just the two of us. His eyesight was gone, but his mind was still sharp. For hours, he told me about the thing...
How Can God Be Good When The Church Is Bad
June 08, 2021 05:00 - 5 minutes - 7.14 MBPerhaps the biggest obstacle to belief in God in recent years has been a growing disillusionment with Christians and the church. No doubt the church has a historical closet full of skeletons. Even in our own lifetimes, horrendous evils have been exposed, with those who bear God’s name having done reprehensible things under the institutional cover of the church. So with the church’s moral currency bankrupted by religious hypocrisy, and when you consider that part of the Christian story suppose...
Bringing Change
June 04, 2021 05:01 - 5 minutes - 7.07 MBThrough my 18 years of church and non-profit experience, along with my time as a church consultant I have learned a lot about the right and wrong way to bring change. Today, I want to share what I have learned as necessities to bringing impactful and long-lasting change. If you are a leader, your survival may depend on how you bring change. Why is that? People do not like change and if you bring it about poorly you will lose the people. Here are six things you can do to be a positive chang...
Why Is Being “Relational” That Important?
June 03, 2021 19:07 - 5 minutes - 7.08 MBIt’s been thirty years now since the first personal computers and cellphones began infiltrating almost all aspects of our everyday life. We’ve been dealing with technology long enough now to begin understanding the risk factors that we didn’t recognize early on. No doubt, parents from the 1950s eventually learned that smoking in a car with the windows up was damaging (or smoking in general, much less around children). Parents today, in their heart of hearts, are beginning to understand the ne...
When Leaders Need a Leader: How to Be Led Well
June 02, 2021 21:44 - 4 minutes - 6.12 MB“Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:5-7, esv) I’ve always needed someone to help guide me. I needed this even when I was blind to it. I thought I could be a lone ranger with...
What Position Do Women Hold in Islam?
June 01, 2021 22:27 - 4 minutes - 6.5 MBUntil fifty years ago, hardly anyone in the West was interested in Muslims or their religion, Islam. It was largely because of the discovery of incredible oil reserves in Arabic countries and increased international terrorism that caused Islam to achieve certain fame. Today, Islam is no longer an exotic religion that is only thought about by scholars. With roughly three and a half million followers in the United States, it is the third-largest religion after Christianity and Judaism. _ Ad...
Treasures in Darkness
June 01, 2021 21:55 - 4 minutes - 6.82 MBA rock collector named Robert Cutshaw once found a rock he described as “big and pretty.” He tried to sell it, and when that failed, he kept the rock under his bed in the dark. Rob guessed the blue chunk of rock could bring as much as $500, but he would have taken less for it if an urgent bill needed paying. That's how close he came to selling for a few hundred dollars what turned out to be the largest, most valuable sapphire ever found. The Blue Rock that Rob had once abandoned to the darkne...
The 5 Best Decisions to Make When Life is Hard and Doubt is Rising
June 01, 2021 21:47 - 4 minutes - 3.52 MBWhen we first moved to the Fixer Upper Farm, it was a bit of an eyesore. Weeds six feet tall. Broken windows. Snakes swimming in the broken-down pool. And so many bushes that needed to be trimmed way back. We have girls. And girls are great and can do anything; I’m a total believer in that. But my girls? They aren’t exactly the farm-help type. So I asked my friend Wendy if her son, Griffin, would be interested in being our farmhand for the summer. We promised a decent paycheck for a teenage...
Walking in God’s Known Will
June 01, 2021 21:37 - 4 minutes - 3.54 MBI remember having a conversation with a pastor from my home church a few years ago. We were discussing the idea of living with purpose. The phrase “living with purpose,” or “walking out your purpose,” is one that I hear often in women’s ministry. I was frustrated because church people, particularly women, were obsessed with “finding their purpose.” Women would constantly struggle with what God was calling them to do or be. They would spend hours scouring self-help books or listening to podc...
Why Is “Relational” Parenting That Important?
June 01, 2021 21:16 - 5 minutes - 7.08 MBIt’s been thirty years now since the first personal computers and cellphones began infiltrating almost all aspects of our everyday life. We’ve been dealing with technology long enough now to begin understanding the risk factors that we didn’t recognize early on. Parents today, in their heart of hearts, are beginning to understand the need to put down the screen and start relating more with their children in a way that builds personal, loving relationships. The great news is that you can hel...
Why So Serious
June 01, 2021 20:57 - 5 minutes - 7.32 MB“Why so serious? That was the line The Joker, played by Keith Ledger, in the iconic Batman series gave explaining why he had the scars on his face. It became a cult-like phrase. Make no mistake about it, the crisis we are facing in our country is so serious it’s at a tipping point. However, there are those on the left who are saying to those of us who love the United States of America and would be considered patriots, “Why so serious?” Well, there is a large, loud group in our great country w...
Hinge Moments
May 22, 2021 05:00 - 4 minutes - 6.26 MBBy the time they have turned eighteen, most Americans will have moved at least twice. Most thirty-year-olds will have moved six times. By the end of our lives, most of us will have pushed that number up to eleven. This highly mobile way of life is mirrored in our career habits as well. The average American worker holds ten different jobs before the age of forty, and this job transience is only expected to increase in the years ahead. Add to these the slew of major life changes such as college...
The Power of One Peacemaker
May 21, 2021 05:00 - 5 minutes - 7.45 MBI truly want to transform our internet dialogue, but it’s hopeless. We’re doomed. We’ll never make it! The internet is too powerful and social media is too corrupting for any of us to make a difference. Social media forms us into really divisive, dehumanizing, cantankerous people. Online technology changes the way we communicate, argue, organize society, and express empathy and compassion toward one another. The internet allows us almost unlimited access to information and networks of indivi...
Forgiveness is central to the Christian story
May 20, 2021 21:33 - 5 minutes - 7.22 MBAt the core of our faith is the knowledge that we are broken people, incapable of restoring our relationship with God, or with each other, through our own efforts alone. And that admission of our own brokenness is foundational to understanding and navigating our relationship with God and with those around us—including those in our workplaces. Our vertical relationship with God can only be restored when we repent of our sins and accept God’s forgiveness, made possible through Christ’s atoning...
Pastoring Is About People
May 14, 2021 05:00 - 5 minutes - 7.22 MBAfter months of sitting with the Enneagram and sharing in its insights, my mind turned to my work as the pastor of a church. What about the church? I remember thinking. Does the Enneagram have anything helpful to say about pastoring a congregation, working with a staff, or leading people? What about preaching, worship, or congregational care? At the time I became the thirteenth pastor of Calvary Memorial Church in Oak Park in the Autumn of 2008, I felt well prepared to take up this otherwi...
The Call to Radiance
May 13, 2021 05:00 - 3 minutes - 3.37 MBIn Matthew 5, Jesus steps on a mount and begins to teach. His prophetic words are drenched in love and wrapped in vision. It was a sermon unlike any other that has now found its home in what we call the Sermon on the Mount (Mt 5–7). In it, Jesus shares his dreams for the already-but-not-yet people of God in Christ. He paints a vivid vision of how the people of God are to live, love, act, and care for one another. His words are no doubt piercing, and they likely make us squirm at times, but wh...
An Application of the Prophetic Challenge with the Present
May 12, 2021 05:00 - 5 minutes - 6.99 MBProphecy fulfilled is history, and understanding it is a matter of study. Prophecy future is expectation, and understanding it is a matter of judgment. Prophecy unfolding is a matter of discernment. And that, is the prophetic challenge, and its likeness to history in general. We can discuss what has happened, and no one can say we are wrong because it has happened. We can discuss what may happen, and no one can prove us wrong because it has not yet happened. The challenge comes when ...
6 Church Trends For 2021
May 11, 2021 05:00 - 4 minutes - 6.2 MBNow that we are over a year into the COVID-19 pandemic, we have a better idea of what church looks like in the “new normal.” While we still long for a return to the way things used to be, we also need to adapt to changing times. Here are a few church trends we’ll likely see in 2021. Smaller Worship Groups Due to COVID, in-person worship groups will likely remain small and socially distanced. We may see churches downsizing their buildings in the near future if attendance remains lower than pr...
Training Wheels For The Great Commission
May 11, 2021 00:08 - 4 minutes - 6.68 MBIf there is a highway to the Great Commission most people need training wheels to get there. If you are like me, as a leader you have a Holy burden to see the bride of Christ get after her calling of making disciples of Jesus. You long for them to have the same Spirit-led hunger and thirst for righteousness that is inside of you, that compels them to action and obedience. But reality sets in when the appetites of our flock are quenched by good coffee, agreeable music, and a heart-warming serm...
How Churches Are Adapting to the Ever-Changing Dynamics of Hunger-Relief
May 07, 2021 05:00 - 3 minutes - 3.25 MBAs we approach the first anniversary of the original stay-at-home order, the emerging story is one that the church has known all along; that more profound than our human differences are God-given commonalities, like the need for food, water, shelter – and hope. COVID-19 has lingered long past what most imagined, and with the shutdown of local businesses devastating communities nationwide, the number of people seeking food assistance has increased by 55% in less than a year. CityServe’s partne...
The Power of Grief and Its Purpose
May 06, 2021 05:00 - 5 minutes - 4.29 MBI have perceived two pervasive responses in our culture that seem to influence and dominate how we react to grief. The first treats grief as an unwelcome, uninvited trespasser to be shunned or dismissed. The gospel of John tells a story with which many are familiar. Lazarus, a dear friend of Jesus, becomes sick. Jesus does not immediately travel to see His ailing friend, but instead arrives several days later. _ Adapted from Where I End: A Story of Tragedy, Truth, and Rebellious Hope by K...
The New Prosperity Theology
May 05, 2021 05:00 - 5 minutes - 4.28 MBI’m afraid a look into popular Christianity in America reveals teachings of a religion far from what the early church would have recognized. This Christianity worships a god who wants us to achieve worldly happiness, make our dreams prosper, and reach our fullest potential. We have largely set aside dated “prosperity gospel” preachers in fancy suits and gaudy television studio sets, yelling into a camera with a phone number to call at the bottom of the screen to receive a special blessing or ...
Pastor - Thou Shalt Not Kill Thyself
May 04, 2021 05:00 - 5 minutes - 7.36 MBMinistry is hard work, beset by temptation, difficulty, and weariness. Clergy are not immune to depression or suicidal thoughts. What follows is advice for pastors, designed to help prevent the depression that can lead to suicide. Fellowship It is all too common for pastors to report feeling isolated and lonely. A providential friendship is a thing worthy of getting on your knees and asking the Lord for. The Bible and close friends should be like sandpaper: constantly challenging and always ...
12 Powerful Ways Jesus Chooses To Not “Play Nice” (Part 2)
May 03, 2021 21:48 - 5 minutes - 7.33 MBWhat happens before the Bible’s most famous verse, John 3:16? To Jesus, the master conversationalist, it’s all fair game toward one overriding mission. Nicodemus is confused. Jesus comes right back at him. “Pay attention. That which is holy and true to God is like the wind….” Back and forth the two men go at it. At every turn, Jesus drives the discussion exactly where He wants to go, verbally batting Nicodemus back and forth—first this way, then that. How does Jesus get away with such ve...
12 Powerful Ways Jesus Chooses To Not “Play Nice” (Part 1)
April 29, 2021 05:00 - 5 minutes - 7.14 MBWhat happens before the Bible’s most famous verse, John 3:16? To Jesus, the master conversationalist, relationship and meaning triumph over social norms…every time. He interrupts. He puzzles. He changes subject. He provokes. He monologues. It’s all fair game toward one overriding mission. Because of the intense hatred of the majority of the ancient Jewish religious elite, any true seeker among them had to talk with Jesus privately, in secret, for fear of swift and terrible retribution. So on...
Making the Most Of Biblical Higher Education
April 28, 2021 11:16 - 4 minutes - 6.48 MBIt has been said that “An education cannot make the most of a person, but a person can make the most of an education.” Some of the greatest men in the modern history of Christian ministry were without any formal theological training. Such a list is too long to include here, but names many will recognize are Charles G. Finney, Dwight L. Moody, Lewis S. Chafer, and A.W. Tozer. On the other hand, the names of countless persons who have served in ministry (following graduation from well known ...
The 7 Rules Of Rest
April 27, 2021 13:42 - 5 minutes - 7.12 MBPastor, you are called to preach. You are called to shepherd. You are called to lead. You are called to serve. You are called to sacrifice. You are also called to rest! This is especially important after this long season of stress we have all endured during the Covid-19 pandemic. Why rest? Because the Bible commands us to rest. The Old Testament principle of rest, enshrined in the teaching of the Bible in the book of Genesis and the creation account, is a call - Josh Moody (Ph.D., Univ...
Praying Through Your Church Directory
April 26, 2021 11:39 - 5 minutes - 7.07 MBPraying Through Your Church Directory By Timothy Merrill The apostle Paul says that we should “pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17). The apostle James tells us to “pray for one another” (James 5:16). Good ideas, but easier said than done. The sainted apostles didn’t have to work 8-10 hours a day, take care of family obligations, change baby’s diapers, mow the lawn and take out the trash. Yet, there it is: “Pray without ceasing.” Of course, the Bible has a lot to say about praying,...
A responsibility of the local church to care for abused and neglected children
April 23, 2021 05:00 - 5 minutes - 7.09 MBIn honor of Child Abuse Prevention Month, CityServe, along with churches around the nation will be observing a National Day of Prayer, referred to as Blue Sunday, this April 25th. This day reminds faith communities to intercede in prayer for abused and neglected children and to open their doors to provide good homes for those who need them. Giving children a safe place to lay their head every night is not only a beautiful expression of God’s love, it is the responsibility of the Church. We at...
The Stamp Collector
April 22, 2021 05:00 - 4 minutes - 6.77 MBMark and Jeff and I are sponsors of our sons’ soccer teams this year. After a bruising Saturday morning chasing the kids through an activity that was something like soccer, we loaded the rowdy bunch of 9-year-olds into the van and headed towards the local pizza parlor, which was a welcome sight, believe me. When we had the kids watered down, the dads relaxed with some refreshment of our own at a table next to them. Jeff was talking about his work when Mark chimed in with a remark about the f...
Life Lessons and Love Languages: How My Writing Career Started
April 21, 2021 05:00 - 5 minutes - 6.93 MBWhile I never thought of myself as an author, writing has become a major part of my ministry over the last three decades. Almost all of my books have grown out of my counseling ministry. Earlier in my career, I discovered the five love languages and how they greatly impacted my own marriage. Of course, I wrote the book hoping that other couples would experience the transformed marriage that so many of my clients had experienced when they discovered and started speaking each other’s love langu...
A Dangerous Inconsistency
April 20, 2021 20:41 - 4 minutes - 3.8 MBMinistry preparation is as old as the church itself. The apostle Paul had received formal Jewish instruction at the feet of Gamaliel before receiving personal instruction from Christ Himself. Bringing this concept full circle, Paul exhorted Timothy to “be diligent to present yourself approved to God as a worker who does not need to be ashamed, accurately handling the word of truth” (2 Tim. 2:15). Additionally, in 2 Timothy, Paul encouraged Timothy to “entrust these to faithful people who wil...
3 Reasons Pastors Need Rest
April 16, 2021 05:00 - 4 minutes - 3.87 MBAs pastors, we’re on the move! We’re movers and shakers of influence by nature. That’s how we became leaders. We have big dreams and dynamic plans. Yet, following Jesus requires that we rest. After an intense season of ministry, Jesus offered this invitation to His disciples, “Come with me by yourselves, to a quiet place and get some rest” (Mark 6:31). His invitation still stands today. Rest and relaxing is to be a vital prat of our spiritual journey’s yet often pastors are reluctant. Why? ...
Ministry to the Vulnerable
April 15, 2021 05:00 - 6 minutes - 5.08 MBI remember when I first heard the word “vulnerable” a couple of years ago. My wife, Julie, and I had been invited to be the CityServe National Directors for the Vulnerable Initiative, but to be honest, I wasn’t sure I knew who “the vulnerable” were. I soon learned that at CityServe, we consider the vulnerable to be special needs families, those with mental health issues, at-risk youth, pregnant mothers and the unborn. CityServe is committed to helping the local church reach the vulnerable in ...
Building Endurance In Ministry & Life
April 14, 2021 05:00 - 4 minutes - 3.84 MBThe coffee bean is a tiny thing that drives many people through the day. Maybe we don’t “need” it to survive, per se, but, for some, it plays a critical role in our ability to function effectively and apparently helps us live longer. Prayer similarly has this effervescent power to move us forward through the circumstances we face and grant longevity. Unlike a caffeinated drink, though, it’s far more potent in terms of how it changes our abilities to react well to our world. Prayer is vital be...
Loving God And Loving Our Neighbors In The Digital Age
April 13, 2021 05:00 - 5 minutes - 7.21 MBIn response to the lawyer’s question, “Who is my neighbor?” (Luke 10:29), Jesus tells the parable of the good Samaritan. The lawyer’s motivation in asking this question, the Bible tells us, was to evade moral responsibility, but Jesus patiently unpacked the question and the lawyer’s motivation, delivering one of His best remembered teachings in response. The question we are still asking today is: “Who is my neighbor?” Do Christians have a moral obligation to love those with whom we come in co...
Discipline Or Desperation
April 06, 2021 01:38 - 5 minutes - 7.92 MBOne evening, after decades of a Christianity driven by rules and performance, I came impulsively close to ending my life. Until that moment, my relationship with God had been primarily about Bible content and the discipline to obey. But that night, everything changed. Driving along a freeway in Detroit, I came face-to-face with my deep longing for intimacy with him—an overwhelming need to live surrounded by his love. There was no going back. Either God was more than distant holiness and a lis...
Five Biggest Tax Mistakes Made By Pastors
April 06, 2021 01:16 - 5 minutes - 7.2 MBIt’s tax season again, and pastors across the U.S. are gathering the financial documents necessary to carry out their civic duty. With inherent complications of ministerial tax treatment, albeit with some benefits, how can ministers make sure their income tax filings are accurate and above reproach? In more than 40 years of work with churches and non-profits, ECFA has observed five common tax mistakes made by pastors: - About Michael Martin Michael Martin is president of the Evangelical ...
Hope When Your Heart Is Breaking
April 06, 2021 01:00 - 4 minutes - 6.4 MBTruck drivers see it all the time. I’ve seen it a few times when we’ve needed to drive through the night. It comes about the time you’ve opened the window on a frigid night. And you’ve turned to the most annoying radio station you can find. Because the night is getting long, and your eyelids are staying a little too long in the down position. To top it off, it seems like the dark has gotten darker as morning approaches. _ Taken from: Leadership Success in 10 Minutes a Day, Copyright © 2020...
The Healing Power Of God
April 02, 2021 05:00 - 5 minutes - 7.04 MBWhen Curt was diagnosed with brain cancer, all of us were heartbroken. All except Curt, who stood tall and resolute. He told us God was in control. On the eve of the day the doctors would operate, our group of seven held a healing service in Curt’s home. I had never been part of something like this on such an intimate level, and from the outset I was tentative—not doubtful, just unsure. I am somewhat embarrassed to admit that to you now, but I need to continue being transparent with you. _ ...